What Kind of Witchery Is This?

I literally didn’t want anything this Christmas. I still have Google Music (under the family plan so everyone in the fam gets it as well as commercial-free YouTube) and I purchased ESPN/Sports package so I could watch my fall sports (which I canceled last week.) I’m drowning in stuff so I didn’t want anything. Besides, I have my obsessions that I indulged for many years and I’m now trying to use/purge. My wife and kids still have other ideas, and if nothing else, I have to chuckle at what they did get me.

“What kind of witchery is this?” was my response when I stumbled upon something on YouTube. I had to ask Tracy what it was. “That’s a Bath Bomb.” I had to watch it a couple of times just to understand what I was seeing. It seems most of the female gender knows more about it than I do practically, but I am interested in the chemical makeup, the feeling as it dissolves in one’s hand. Madsen gifted me a couple of those.

“Here Dad.” Was Bennet’s comment when he placed a heavy box on my lap. He just handed me a gift-wrapped case of Diet Dr. Pepper. “We know how important that is to you.” was Tracy’s remark when I unwrapped it.

“I hope you like them, Dad.” Ellie smiled. I had just unwrapped 4 LED bulbs. I’m honestly not sure where that obsession came from or if it even qualifies. I like going to the bulb section of Home Depot. I rarely buy anything though. I have a collection of bulbs, I must admit. I have a lot of 100W incandescents that I bought before you couldn’t buy them as the 100W fluorescents sucked at the time. The LEDs are much nicer so I miscalculated that need. (We only have one fixture that uses them, the garage.) I have a lot of other CFLs because I found some screaming deals on them and we were going through them pretty quickly. I still am not sure if they last longer than incandescents. Anyway, Ellie picked up on that and now I have 4 more LEDs.

Tracy gave me a board game that I’ve been looking at for many months, Tiny Epic Galaxies. They’ve come down in price too so it was a very good choice. And she also fed into my writing implement obsession buying me a box of Pilot pens. I loved that brand back in college. My favorite pencil is also a Pilot but I know they don’t have that particular kind any longer. Still, the old box of 12 that must have been moldering away on a shelf for the last 30 years or so is appreciated. (I carry 2 that I picked up in college in my backpack.)

Not a super haul, but at least I’m understood by my family. I guess that is more important than things anyway.

My Gift Anxiety

I have gift anxiety. It really didn’t come to the forefront until I started dating. The realization that I could never find a gift to represent my feelings, or the feeling of inadequacy because I wasn’t inventive enough to find the perfect gift is a special kind of hell. It wasn’t until after I married Tracy that it came to the forefront and there were lessons involved for both of us. I needed to be more verbal in my feelings of anxiety, to quash the fears that I had. Tracy was more than understanding. It wasn’t that I was trying to get out of a relationship requirement, but I have misread people in the past and I was just then becoming aware of how badly I had misread my own issues. I am a very emotional person, and a gift, a thing that I could hold in my hand, was never going to be enough.

I mentioned this to Tracy last night. Our daughter was out with friends and after many hours at the mall, just got around to asking her Mother, “Mom, what do you want for Christmas?” It is kind of frustrating to have a daughter that waits always for the last minute, but I’m not one to complain too much either. I waited until the last week myself.

After smiling and sighing in frustration, I told Tracy, “I want to tell you how much I appreciate you letting me know what you want. It does make it all so much easier.”

“Not a problem.” She replied, “You let me know all year long how much you love me. I don’t need something one time a year.”

I think that is what makes this time of year tolerable for me. Otherwise, if I thought my life was only appreciated because of my ability to find the perfect present, it would crush me. And yes, while it is an irrational fear, it has that significance for me. Instead, Tracy and I have learned to work around our anxieties. If she wants something, she gets it herself. I rarely complain. Well, almost rarely. I have other anxieties that I have to quash too. I get stuff too, but I also deny a lot of impulses of mine also. I can be selfish. And I have to realize that sometimes that’s allowed.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have my moments. Tracy did want me to mention about a waffle iron I once bought her for Christmas. I don’t like waffles but it was a big part of her growing up. She claims it was the most romantic thing I ever got her. I am not sure what to do with that information.  

I also found a few pieces of jewelry that she liked. It wasn’t diamonds or precious stones, but it did say that I paid attention to what she was into. I don’t know if they lasted all that long. Considering that we have the understanding that we can get what we want ourselves, it is usually the small things that are left over. I just wish that realization, that it doesn’t matter, could burrow through the anxiety I have that it is never enough.

My kids are better at it than I am too. At least, being adopted, they didn’t pick up that gene from me. While going through a store, Madsen looked down, picked up something and said, “Mom will like this.” I had to chuckle because yes, she would like it. I’m glad he was able to find a trinket like that and know that this would be enough to make his mother happy. (We are trying to make Christmas a much more quiet, subdued affair.) 

South Elgin Winter Wonderland Concert - Wind Ensemble

An American Fanfare - Rick Kerby

Let Freedom Sing (soloist David Larsen) - arr. John Moss

A Festival Prelude - Alfred Reed

Prelude, Sicilano and Rondo - Malcolm Arnold

Christmas Music for Winds - arr. John Cacavas

Sleigh Ride

Tapping the Can

I came across a YouTube video this morning that sparked a memory. It was an experiment to determine if tapping the top of a soda can reduce the bubbles and foam when you open a shaken can. It was something my girlfriend at BYU used to do and was something that I picked up later. Did I think it reduced bubbles? No, not really. It became more of an homage to a time in my life, as a lot of my quirks and obsessions started around the same time. In any case, it brought a particular incident to mind.

I’ve already written about my depression on my mission. I didn’t even know it was depression until about 7 years ago. In any case, my depression and desperation for acceptance led me to my being a first-class tool. It led to the person I trusted and cared for the most to tell me to never contact her again. I promised if only to myself, to respect that request. I can’t say I kept that promise, but at the time I did. This led to a self-loathing and realization that I had become someone I despised. After establishing that, I had to ditch the personality that I had fostered the past year and that the culture of the mission and the church, in general, had to get out of my sphere of personal influence, not easy to do on a mission. I purged. I mean, I decided to only focus on my upcoming return to school and rebuild my personality into something that I could be happy with. I never wanted to be such an ass ever again.

So where does that tapping of a can of soda come into this story? It will. Patience.

When you wipe out a lot of your own self and ignore aspects of what is going on around you, you have to fill it with something else. I had a companion that would listen to me. I don’t think he particularly liked me, but he at least would listen. I feel sorry for the guy now, as I was sad almost all the time. Even then, it was an emotion that I didn’t want to have. Anyway, I remember driving once with him and my arm was out the window playing with the airstream. He abruptly stopped the car, pointed at me and said forcefully, “Stop it! You’ve been copying all my mannerisms for the past couple of weeks and it is driving me crazy. You want to be you. You have no right to be me!” I remember being shocked, looking down at my hands with the realization that I was doing that. OK. So I was now aware that I had something else to watch for. I apologized. I pledged that I would do better. 

I’m not sure how much longer that companion was with me. I know he allowed me a wide berth as I tried to find out who I should be again. I know the self-imposed isolation that a mission puts on missionaries was driving me crazy. I was an introvert, true, but I couldn’t deal with such isolation and I did the first thing that got me a reputation to being a rebel; I subscribed to a newspaper. I only kept it a few months, but it did remind me of something about myself. When I was in Boston, I would listen to NPR occasionally, just because I needed a connection to the world. In New York, I joined a scientific book club because I needed intellectual stimulation. In CT, there was a large group of nannies that worked there and it did me so much good to talk to people, girls even, my age. By the time I left to go back to school, I had re-organized myself so I could be normal again, a person that I wanted to be. I was still weird  (and Tracy can verify), but at least I overcame the worst time in my life.

And I decided to tap the top of my soda cans as a reminder that I can choose to be who I want to be, down to the mannerisms I carry with me, even if I borrowed them.

Note: I want to state that I don't post these for anything other than my own cathartic processes. I have not talked about this most of my life and I want to be a fairly open person. I don't do this to embarrass anyone or for any other reason other than to give some things words. What I wanted to share with this post was my interaction with my companion, and how my actions at the time upset him, and what I took away from it.

The bad part of being the most influential time of your life doesn't necessarily mean it was pleasurable. It goes against the accepted narrative. It isn't something that you might choose for yourself.

Respect

I have been watching with some dispassionate interest all the outing of the sexual harassers in Hollywood. Mind you, the only reason we are seeing this is due to the renown of these people. Who knows all the things that go on in areas where there is less visibility.

Look, I don't know what goes on in these men's minds to make them think this is all okay. To say that I can't even put myself in that place that they inhabit is an understatement. I'm not perfect, not by any stretch. I have a sordid imagination. In reality though, I have enough trouble making friends with the opposite sex, let alone any of that nonsense. I generally don't care who does what with whom. But I do know that those things have to be negotiated. It can't be assumed, especially any kind of sexual activity. I've mentioned that I tend towards more of a radical consent model. Don't do anything unless that other person or persons know exactly what you want to do. Simple. Awkward probably, but it is something that shows you respect the other person. Even if surprise is to be an element of the relationship, that needs to be discussed.

Seriously. Louis CK getting naked and masturbating. That's all fine and good if that was agreed to, but to do that without any, um, foreplay. I can't imagine how horrible of a position that puts the other person in. Plus, while I can only take so much of the guy, I thought he at least understood some of the boundaries between men and women. Evidently not.

And the stories I get from women and what some men send them. The "dick pics" need to stop. First, it is objectively the ugliest part of a man but secondly, shows a narcissism that, I would think, is a completely undesirable trait. If you want to send nudes to each other, fine. I honestly don't care if that is something you are into, but that kind of thing has to be consented to.

I swear, I think about all the things mankind has accomplished and how far we've come in many aspects of society, and then this stuff happens. Have we not left the trees behind? Millenia of evolution and we still have this nonsense.

Well, we still have wars, so maybe we haven't come as far as I would personally desire.

<I reserve the right to add and expound on this post at any time in the future. My levels of outrage change frequently.>

Ask Me

I’m not sure if this is a new subject for me. I know I’ve told others about it. Last night, I heard Tracy mention it to her brother. Of course, I want to add a few things.

Shortly after Tracy and I married, she had a concert that she wanted to go to. She left hints, suggestions, whatnot for me to get the tickets. I’m sure she was thinking I was dense. I’m sure I was. In any case, as time went on, she became frustrated with me and eventually it came to a fight. I am fuzzy on the details but I walked out, bought some tickets, came home and put them on the table. “Next time, ask me.”

(Tracy has a different perspective on this. "You mean I can ask for what I want? I don't have to hint or manipulate you?")

This was a lesson for both of us. My previous relationships usually had me struggling to be someone that would be interesting. I found I sucked at mindreading. I’ve always had a problem with feeling inadequate in those little things that a woman might expect. I’d do almost anything, but I was an idiot and didn’t know what those “anythings” were. Dating was a horrible stress for me.

When I came back from my mission, I was determined to not fall into that situation again. I had two miserable years of depression and I was done with it. Tracy was an independent person and was one of the things that attracted me to her. I must also add that when she displayed traces of dependency, I had my own little freak outs. (I don’t like the word, dependency, here but I’m not sure what else to say.) Before our wedding, her parents bought her some things in ZCMI and that really stressed me out. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that after we were married. Yes, it was a gift for her but it raised some issues with expectations. We worked it out.

And we worked out the tickets to the concert. We worked out a lot of things in our marriage. We knew we had different interests to the point of taking separate vacations. If she wanted to go somewhere, she would ask me if I wanted to go along or not and visa versa. It wasn’t a reflection of our interest to be together. We had translated that part of our “love-language.”

I mention this because she brought it up to her brother and I also brought it up due to one of my trips. I had met a friend and she showed me around her part of the country. Just talking with her gave me things to think about for years, and I was quite contemplative at the time. She probably thought I was upset. In any case, she was hungry and she hinted, even to a figurative hitting me in the head with a 2x4, that she wanted to eat at this particular place. It didn’t register with me. Remember, I’m an idiot. Never forget that. Burn it into your minds for the next couple of decades. In any case, she didn’t tell me, “Stop here. I want to eat here.” And what followed was a time of frustration for me. I haven’t had to negotiate that language with someone in a long time. I was amazed that I had become so dependent upon Tracy knowing how to interact with me. Sheesh, no wonder people who date later in life or after a partner has died or divorced have an awkward time with this relationship thing. All that stuff has to be renegotiated.

I try to please the people I’m with, and even if I try, there are still issues. I think my only saving grace is that I’m more open to talk about it now. Ask me if you want something, because I won’t know otherwise.

And remember, I’m an idiot.

To Eclipse and Back, Part 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Map

The road was still on and off traffic-wise. At some point, I was going to hit Champaign and get back on familiar roads for me. Around 12:30 I looked North and it was a wall of lightning. Great. I knew there was a chance of rain, but I thought I’d be home long before then. Now I’m south of it. I know from its position that Champaign was getting the full brunt of it and soon I’d hit that one-lane construction just south of the town. I had to get off the road and figure something out.

I pulled off the road at a small town called Tuscola. I parked at a well-lit outlet store. It had benches. I went and sat down and pulled out my phone. I called Tracy, just to let her know I was alive. She asked if I could find a hotel. “You don’t understand what this is like. The traffic is horrendous.” Besides, I was so close, relatively. I opened my weather app. HOLY CRAP!!! Just north of me was the edge of a weather system that stretched all the way to Kansas City. Crap!! I’m going to get wet. I hate riding in the rain. At least it is warm, I guess. OK. I can head west, take this road up to this road to this road, to this road…and then I’ll be on IL-47. Take that all the way home. OK. I can do this.
Off I went, so completely ticked off at all that this trip had turned out to be. I loved riding the bike but this was so annoying, still, it is something I can write abou….is that a bird? WHACK!!! A dove decided to spend the night on US-36 and when my lights hit it, it took to the air and didn’t make it past my windshield. Luckily, it didn’t fly up into my helmet. I did a sanity check, decided that I was okay and kept going. I thought I had seen a bird on the road earlier but I passed it off. Evidently, they hang out on roads at night. I wonder why? I turned north again at Atwood and noticed that the roads were wet, but it wasn’t raining any longer. The weather map did show a small corridor of rainless travel. Maybe if I can get this thing moving, I can still slip home in a dry state.

When I reached the town of Mohamet, I pulled over to check the weather again.  A big, big stretch of red, all the way to Elburn, lay in front of me. It was to the west too. Damn. I am going to get very wet. Well, might as well get this done. The place where I would hit the rain was fogged over on my way down. I figured that I would learn to resent this part of Illinois after this.

What can I say about driving in the rain? Nothing good. It is miserable. The sound of the rain hitting your helmet is unnerving. Don’t get me wrong, it is not that bad if you can keep your head dry, but your clothes get heavy. You get cold as the water and wind suck away your heat.  You can’t see very well and you become almost invisible to other traffic behind you. It became an absolute downpour. A few trucks passed me because two wheels on wet pavement isn’t something you want to do at speed. It became so bad due to no visibility and feeling like I weighed 400 pounds that I put on my blinkers and hoped a town was somewhere and that I could pull off the road.  That stopover was named Gibson City, where I had stopped and rested at the Bible Church on the way down. I pulled off the road into a parking lot that was 6-8 inches underwater. I got off the bike after parking at some sort of Mexican restaurant/bar (Pizza Hut on the map but it wasn’t). The time was around 1am. I pulled off the helmet and took inventory and was feeling miserable. After some time, I called Tracy (My new phone was still working!) to let her know that I was stuck. I had moved around to the north side of the building and decided I needed to save battery. I had set my gloves down on a window sill. I picked them up and noticed that the building was lousy with spider webs. I wasn’t nervous, but a little creeped out. As soon as the rain let up, just a little, I’d head to where I saw lights (Yeah, the rain made it hard to see even up the road.) I was hoping it was a gas station or something. Any place to get out of the rain fully.

https://www.google.com/maps/@40.454339,-88.3747333,837m/data=!3m1!1e3

So I got back on the bike after about half an hour and moved the couple hundred meters to what turned out to be a Casey’s station. The bike was parked off to the side, still in the rain and I finally found a place out of the rain under the canopy. I was still soaked and a check on the phone showed rain at least until late morning. Great. Just Great.

After texting with Tracy and a few calls, I resigned to my fate of spending the rest of the night standing there. The only motel in town was under renovation and besides, it was late and there was still eclipse traffic making their way north. After about an hour, another biker came up and parked by the pumps. We struck up a conversation and compared notes. He didn’t have a phone so he kept looking at mine to see when we could resume our way north. All during this, Tracy was making calls to see if there was somewhere nicer where I could sit. She called the police department, the hospital, anywhere to try and ease my discomfort, and I do appreciate that. I’m sure I wasn’t rational. I had been up for 24 hours by that point. I was tired. I was soaked. At one point, I had set my phone in my shirt pocket and it had turned on. I was sending garbage texts to Tracy as the phone bumped against me. One of them autocorrected to something about a raccoon. Tracy thought I was losing my mind or lying in a ditch somewhere.

As the night went on, another biker came and parked. He had rain gear on and we wondered why he had stopped. “My visor flew off. Having your face pelted with rain isn’t pleasant.” So there we sat. Three bikers in the middle of Illinois in a small factory town, taking shelter in a gas station. One of my companions convinced the clerk to put some of his clothes in the dryer they had in the back. I bought some cheese and a meat stick to pay for my convalescence. I hadn’t realized how hungry I had become and it immediately had a profound reaction on me. That stuff was wonderful.

Ok, about 5:30 or 6:00, I was getting anxious and I wanted to get home. I never thought I’d spend the night in a gas station and I didn’t enjoy it. The guy with the broken visor had left around 4:30 but the rain was still too hard for me to try at that time. It was still dark, but I looked on the app, and the rain seemed to be tapering off. The guy that arrived after me wanted me to leave with him. I told him I would but that I don’t go that fast in the rain. So, once again, I put on the wet helmet, gloves and sat on the wet bike. Off we went. I kept up with him to the north part of town where we stopped behind a semi that was also waiting for a train to enter the factory. Once the train left and the gates went up, my companion bolted around the semi, earning him a toot from the truck. I didn’t feel safe to do any nonsense like that so I stayed behind the truck, letting it get a good speed up ahead of me so I wasn’t in its backwash. I think I lost sight of the other guy after about 4 miles.  It was still raining and while it was warm standing still, on the bike at speed, I was beginning to shiver and feeling very uncomfortable. I could feel water pooling in my left boot. Eventually, I just couldn’t do it anymore. Even slowing down wasn’t helping. A few miles more and I saw that I was going to enter another town, named Forrest. I was a few blocks in when I pulled into another Casey’s and parked under the canopy this time. I got off the bike, got on the entrance skirting and took off my left boot. I swear I thought water would come out. Nope, but I was thoroughly wet and miserable.  So I stood there. The sun came started to come up and the rain slacked a bit more. I could feel the exhaustion start to sneak in around the corners of my mind. I needed to get home because I knew there wasn’t much between here and there.

When the light came up, I slipped on the wet boot. Who knows what people thought when the filled up for their morning commute and saw a guy standing there with one boot on and one boot off.  Anyway, I figured that with the lower rain volume, I could go 10 or 15 miles and stop somewhere to warm up. I’m going to be wet regardless. Might as well get used to that. So I got back on the road, crossed the train tracks, and headed north. About the top speed I could do was 45 before I became uncomfortable and shiver all the time. It was still raining, but more of a sprinkle at this point. I was still soaked. I didn’t make it too far before I had to stop again. This time in a Marathon station in Saunemin. Another half an hour watching traffic go by. I was waiting for the rain to stop this time. I could see the northern end of the rain ahead. It was just there, Probably by Dwight, my next stop. I wanted to get past the rain so bad. While only a few drops hit the puddles, I had had it. I pulled on the wet gloves and hit the road, going 65 this time. Of course, while the rain was lessened, an entire string of Semis heading south made sure I was still wet to the core. Even then, I could see the line of clouds. I could see the sky brighten just after that cloud front. I entered Dwight and felt a leap of joy building. It had taken me so long to get there, and I was feeling a sense of relief that I wasn’t expecting.

I was hungry. I stopped in the McDonalds. I also picked out some feathers from my front shield, left for my earlier bird-strike. I wasn’t so much hungry as I needed caffeine. I was so tired, but I had to get home and I was so tired. It was about 8am or so at that point, and I felt that I was so close to home when in reality, I still had an hour or two left to go. I pulled off my jacket waiting for my order.  God, I was miserable.

Ok, after about 45 minutes letting the caffeine from my soda enter into my cells, I decided that with one push, I could make it home. I couldn’t put the gloves back on. My hands were still pruned and I thought the gloves would just make the cold worse. Now, it was not a good feeling for me to ride without gloves. I’ve religiously wore them during my rides. You could probably tell how desperate I was just from the action of not wearing gloves. I’d been awake longer than ever, I think, since college. I don’t function well when tired.

After several more miles going north, I entered Morris. Very familiar territory. The only thing worthy of note at this point was that I was struggling to stay awake. I noticed it first heading into Dwight, that I’d stop functioning. I was still driving and riding, but my brain had shut down. That was why I needed the caffeine. It wasn’t enough. North of Morris, I passed into that phase again. I became aware and I was in the other lane. Holy crap, get back in your lane!!! I had come to just before a car came over the slight rise. I had to do inventory. I had probably come closer to dying than most any other time. I was not going to be a statistic. I couldn’t depend on my mind to keep me alert. I had to do something else. I decided that I needed to bite my finger every once in a while. That would keep me going. I did that and I slapped the bike about every 10 seconds. I did that until I felt awake and I did it all the way home. Also, in a more deserted stretch of road, I decided to sing. I'll never win any awards, but it kept me awake.

Last time I came home this wet, I was shivering uncontrollably and the house was empty. This time Tracy was home having dealt with her own issues with the family while I was gone. I stumbled upstairs to get the wet clothes off me and a quick shower. It is amazing the stuff that comes off your body after being in water for almost 12 hours. I hit the bed and woke up about 6 hours later. I didn’t want to do this again.

But it was worth it.

To Eclipse and Back, Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

Map

When I came back down the hill, I could already feel like I was overheating. The ambient air was already very hot, around 95 or so, and I had the unfortunate task of getting my jeans back on and putting on sturdy layers of clothes and a helmet and gloves. I was hoping that things would be okay at least until I could get the bike moving and get some air going around me.

One of the guys that had set up his telescope to track the eclipse invited me to view it but I declined. I really wanted to get on the road, as the traffic back would probably be bad, especially once I got around Carbondale. I kept going down the row of cars and people were packing up. I walked by a couple that had set up in the bed of their truck...and I couldn't find my bike. The truck that I had parked next to, the landmark I had set in my head, was no longer there. Great. I'm 300 miles from home amidst a sea of people and someone stole my ride. I slowly walked back along the line and still wasn't seeing it. Were the people in the bed north or south of where I parked? I started to panic a bit not knowing if I was truly screwed or I was overheating to the point where I couldn't think. Eventually, I moved to the other side of the line of cars and there it was. I had parked on the inside of the lane and my bike was clearly there, north of the bed people.

OK. Get this done. I packed up my towel and drank another water. I also ate an energy bar, knowing I didn't want to stop for a while once I got on the road. I got my jeans and marched resolutely towards the outhouse at the far end of the lot. I say this because I have a history with outhouses in Illinois. I mean, I try to avoid them in any case. The ones along the bike paths in the north of the state are fairly modern but some that the state maintains, well, it is a horror show. This one did not disappoint. I was immediately overtaken by the stench once I entered. I had to push down my gag reflex. I wished the state would talk to Utah and find out how their outhouses were built because this was a horrible experience. I made sure my feet were atop my shoes and I pulled my jeans up. I was struggling with them because the heat and perspiration made them hard get on, and with my desire to once again breathe fresh air, I soldiered on. I burst out of the torture and found relief once again enter my lungs. I walked back to the bike, already feeling the oppressive heat starting to close in on me.

I managed to get my jacket, boots, gloves, and helmet on but my time was growing short. I was not going to last long without getting some wind on me to cool me off. I backed the bike up, started it and departed my long-researched parking spot. The satisfaction I felt going back up the hill with acceleration was welcome. I made the miles to the freeway entrance with little on my mind but to cool off. I did have to stop at the Community of Christ church near the entrance to adjust something, I forget what. I don't know why a Mormon offshoot church was in the middle of nowhere, but I had made note of it that I could stop there for the eclipse as I was on my way to Tunnel Hill. It had plenty of shade. In any case, I entered I-24 going north with very few other cars on the road. I was hoping my quick exit from my parking would play in my favor and I'd miss the worst traffic.

Nope.

Two miles before the merge with I-57, the wall of traffic began. Now, I don't know if you know the joy of being in traffic on a motorcycle. It is great. You have to have the clutch gripped tight and release it slowly while you creep up 10 feet and pull it in again. Then there's the guy in the black car behind you that doesn't understand that you might want to just relax your hand for a bit. He wants you to close up that 10 feet in front of you because...well, he's just a jerk, isn't he? I crawled up in traffic and cursed the state's decision to allow trucks on the highway (they were banned in other states) because they really slow things up. It was also not lost on me that we haven't yet passed the Carbondale exit where things would get worse. Everyone went to Carbondale for this thing. They had some sort of event at the stadium there plus it was where the eclipse would last the longest. Well, when I arrived at the Carbondale exit, things got worse. Two more feeder lanes of traffic merged in. And don't for a minute think that the heat wasn't overcoming me. I was in high humidity, 95-degree weather standing on a paved highway with all black driving gear. I tried to keep a good attitude but before the next exit, I had to get off the road. I cut across the three lanes of traffic and slowly drove up on the shoulder. I had become the jerk on the motorcycle that people hated, but I had to get off the road.

I headed towards the Johnson City exit but it was backed up too. I parked in front of the semi that was also parked on the side of the exit, threw off my gear and found a water from my pack. It was warm, but I needed moisture. I was hitting a little bit of crazy and I needed to rest. After about 20 minutes, I put on my gear again to find something in this town to cool off. Luckily, there was a Stuckey's (Yeah, I didn't know they still existed.) and I pulled into the parking lot. There were already several other bikers parked there amongst others. I got my gear off, found my shoes and headed inside. I was planning to spend a few hours there as I think I came dangerously close to losing it there. I found the soda fountain, got a diet Dr. Pepper, 32oz, and went to the back of the shop to drink and sweat. That is one of the things I hate about myself. I sweat something horrible and I was drenched. I just needed to cool down. I went and refilled the soda and found something to eat as the thought of choking down another energy bar was making me nauseous. I got to the clerk, pointed to the drink, "Two of those and this." and had a prepackaged danish to nosh while I recovered in the parking lot.

I took off my boots and grabbed my shoes out of the sidepack. I was going to take some time to recover and I had no desire to try to hit the road again. I stood there, listening to the sounds of the backed up highway. Every once in a while, an ambulance would wind its way through traffic and go off on the exit. I ventured to guess that there were others like me who just couldn’t take the heat. Every crossroad and ramp had a policeman there directing traffic. There was also one of those cart type vehicle always moving around. I didn’t realize how well prepared the locals were until I saw this. It was an interesting activity to watch while my body cooled down and recovered from the heat.
About 20 minutes in, I heard one of the police at the ramp yell at a driver. “Pull it over now! Right here!” and gestured at a car in front of him. He repeated his command until the car pulled over to the left of the exit and came out of his car. The policeman waved his hand to the cart and the cart came over, took the man to the gas station where I was resting. I don’t know what indication there was but the policeman must have seen the indications of heat stroke and got the guy off the road. I didn’t see what else happened to the man once he entered the store.

Then a white SUV pulled up next to my motorcycle and a man my age and an older gentleman came out and chatted amongst themselves. After they went to the store and came out again, we shared some small talk and introductions. They were traveling up to Wisconsin and were caught up in the traffic and their car couldn’t take the heat. Like me, the took the shoulder until the exit. They mentioned that they had a U-Haul of theirs farther back in the traffic and that they were going to stay in Effingham that night. I told them good luck as it is quite a ways up the road and I had a suspicion that it was backed up all the way to Chicago, a 300 mile parking lot.

Eventually, another man parked to the other side of me with a Humvee. He was very vocal and chatty. He mentioned that he was there for the eclipse and actually went to the Ozzy Osbourne concert the previous day. He then proceeded to show us video of the concert while he chatted away about it. "Look how close he was to me!" He had pulled out of the traffic because his vehicle costs too much to run while not moving so he was going to sit there until it cleared. He brought out some foldup chairs and offered them to us. He looked at me and mentioned “Sitting on a bike that long can’t be good for you. You need to sit in a real chair for a bit.” It actually helped me feel more human and it was welcomed.

In all, I spent about 3 hours in that parking lot, shooting stories with these people put in this situation. At one part in my life, I would have been extremely uncomfortable, but now it was just being part of humanity and letting things be. At around 6:30, I felt I needed to get on the road. I had a long and painful ride ahead of me. I said my goodbye’s and mentioned. “I have a motorcycle. I’ll find a way.” I filled up the tank and headed east, away from the traffic jam that was I-57. I would take surface streets until I couldn’t, which looked around Effingham. There were parts of Illinois where it was hard to travel in a straight line, and it looked like there wasn’t a nice back-road from Effingham to Champaign. Until then, head to US-45 and go north.

There was some satisfaction finally being on the road again and moving at speed. Backroads were all clear, so much different than the interstate. Still, I had to stop every once in a while to look at the map on the phone. Unfortunately, 45 took a swing east and I was trying to get to it while going north at the same time as drifting east. There were obstacles, evidently, as there were no roads straight north. I came to a town called McCleansboro and had a short moment of frustration. I thought by then I would hit 45 and I was still miles off. I noticed that 242 went north and if I took that, I could eventually meet up with it to the north. So I took it. The mileage did nothing but make me more frustrated. I wanted to get on a main road eventually. I was doing nothing but feeling farther and farther from my goal. Yeah, it was kind of stupid to get upset, but it was getting dark and I realized I still had so many hours to drive. Finally, FINALLY, I met up with 45 and felt that I was going making some headway. Traffic was a little more present than the back roads. I was part of a group of 5 cars and I was the motorcycle at the tail end. At least it would keep me from speeding.

I was doing fine, thinking that I was making some headway. It was around 8:30 or 9:00pm and I came to a cross-road. US-50. I remember taking 50 in Utah when I lived there so there was some joy there, but what set me off was a sign that said, "<-- Salem".  Salem! I’ve only traveled as far north as Salem?! I’ve been going 70mph north and…Salem!? It was compounded by coming into a town and what I thought was the expressway. Good night! It’s Salem! That anger was short lived as I found out I was actually in a town called Flora. OK. I’m hungry and thirsty. I stopped in at McDonald's. I’m sure that it wasn’t normally this busy at this time on a Monday night. When I stepped into the place, I made a call to Tracy. She seemed to have her hands full with something there, but I told her “I’m in some town called Flora, Fiona, something like that.” That earned an annoyed look from the clerk. I meant no disrespect. I’m sure their town is lovely. I just didn’t know the right name of it. (I have a thing with names ever since my mission.) I did the unusual thing and ordered a Big Mac Meal. It was my only real splurge of the trip. While I sat at a dirty table, assuming that it was so busy that no sitting area cleaning could be done, a bus full of teenagers came in. OK. Eat. Get out of here. I should be in Effingham soon.

Aside from a quick duck into a shops driveway and almost getting stuck in some soft dirt, the trip was uneventful. Had the road mostly to myself….Until 37 merged with 45. 37 paralleled the expressway all the way up, and traffic came to a halt, or a slow halt. I start and stopped all the way through the twists and turns of the city of Effingham. I knew eventually I’d end up back on the highway so I have to see how much it eased up if it did. When I did find I57 again, the traffic was moving. Maybe 50MPH, but it was moving. I hopefully entered the ramp and was delighted to see traffic moving. Until it didn’t. Oh, good Lord, I’m in the same mess I was. This was a 300-mile parking lot! I traveled a few more miles until the next rest area. I pulled over when I found a spot. Not easy as the entire place was packed. I called Tracy almost desperate. I wanted to get home sometime, and at some point, I needed to get off this thing, find a way north off this road. After I hung up with her, I decided I didn’t really need to go to the bathroom, so I headed back on the road, vowing to take the next exit.

But after about a mile, the traffic broke up and I was traveling 70MPH again. Thankfully, I stopped my complaining and settled in for the ride to Champaign. Traffic was on and off for some time. At Matoon, I needed to close my eyes for a moment and get some gas. I tried getting some shuteye in the parking lot of US Soy in Matoon, but the side road was annoyingly busy, and I was afraid some cop would stop and arrest me for being cagey. So instead, I went to the bathroom and got gas at the BP station and hit the road again. It was past 10, maybe 11 so I tried not to call Tracy. She didn’t need to worry about me.

To be continued...

Watching a Game

I was watching the BYU Volleyball game last night. Tracy was doing her normal task of being interrupted every 30 seconds by the children...but I digress. (Discussion shortened and altered to make me look wonderful.)


Me: Sarah was the libero during the South Elgin game today. I wonder if she will play in college. I think she's really good.
....
Me: Oh, when I went to IT Monday with the kids, one of the scenes was dated "October 1988" and I told them that I was dating you during that time.

Tracy: Yeah. That was an interesting time. Did you tell them that a month later....

Me: Ok, ok. I'm a little bit uncomfortable by how fast that all happened there. With age, I would have done things a lot differently.

Tracy: Hmmmm. Maybe. Still it was quite a time. <pause> And you were so irritating.

Me: Irritating? I know I'm irritating now a differently than I was then, but is it fair that that is what you bring up first?

Tracy: But it wasn't bad. It was just different. My first boyfriend told me how beautiful and wonderful I was. Then he became abusive. I got out of that. The next one was simpering. He would have done anything for me. Then one guy kind of ignored me. You didn't do any of those things. You asked me before you held my hand and before you kissed me. I'd never had that happen. You treated me differently. You invited me into your life, you didn't demand mine.

Me: Radical consent. But I also stopped asking you out. You didn't seem interested in me at all and I wasn't going to waste my time with trying to convince you anymore.

Tracy: Yeah, but we worked that out. You don't understand how it was like dating. There was a building 9 stories tall filled with girls crying because they weren't going on a date that week. It wasn't just dating. We had to find our "Eternal Companion". It wasn't marriage, it was ETERNITY...not getting into heaven unless you snagged a man. The pressure was horrible.

Me: Yeah, and thank you for putting that into context. It explained a lot of what I was seeing from these women.

Tracy: But for you, it was all earning potential. You had lots of earning potential.

Me: Ha! That worked out well for you, didn't it?

Voree, Wisconsin

OK. It is going to be a warm day. Take a day off. Go somewhere. The question is, where?

I have known about Voree for some time because of my interest in history. There was a man, James Strang, who contested for the highest position in the LDS Church after the death of Joseph Smith. He did a good job, pulling in almost everyone. Well, I decided that I wanted to see the place. I knew that James Strang helped provide the lumber for the Nauvoo Temple along the Black River on the west side of Wisconsin. I assumed that Voree was along there. Nope. For once, I zoomed out of the close up map and, wait, it is almost directly north of where I live. That's only 60 miles from my house. Oh yeah, I'm goin'!

Nothing much of note on the way up. I was struck that there wasn't any sign at all when I passed into Wisconsin. Only a signpost telling me I was now on County Road P indicated that I had traversed the cheddar curtain. I knew the way up from all my map-staring that I did. I didn't realize that it was all the same county road as it made turns all over. Wisconsin roads are like that.

I entered Burlington and was met with this church. I had to double back to get a parking spot so I could take a few pictures.

I thought the steeple was beautiful and it was so tall. There were a few other side buildings and another chapel that appeared much older to the side.The cornerstone read 1856. That was a few years after the time I was interested in. By then it probably wasn't known as Voree. Come to think of it, maybe it never was officially named that. The mormons outside of town called it Voree though.

The only other thing of any interest is the lady that owned the car that was parked in front of me said her farewells to the priest she was talking to and stared me down while I was getting my gear back on.
"Were you looking for anyone in particular?"
"No, I just saw the church and I wanted to take a few pictures." And she was probably nervous because of this biker walking around when there is a school right there.
"It is beautiful, isn't it?" she retorically answered.
"Yes it is." and I got on my bike and we parted ways.

I wanted to see the "lake" in town as well as see the historical marker that I knew was in the nearby park. I found the park easily enough and the marker had rotted off its stand and someone had set it up resting on the posts instead.

MORMONS IN EARLY WISCONSIN

Among those contributing to the nation’s westward expansion in the nineteenth century and to Wisconsin’s early development were members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). In 1835, Moses Smith helped establish Burlington and in 1837 organized Wisconsin’s first Mormon congregation. His cabin stood across the river from here. Mormons helped develop communities in southwest and western Wisconsin (Jenkynsville in 1837, Blanchardville in 1842, and near La Crosse in 1844-1845), where they mined lead ore and farmed, and at sites along the Black River (1841-1844), where they harvested pine and floated it down the Mississippi River to build the Mormon Temple in Nauvoo, Illinois. Oliver Cowdery, second only to Joseph Smith in the church’s early history, was a lawyer and newspaper editor in Elkhorn. After Smith’s 1844 murder in Illinois, Wisconsin Mormons either joined the migration to Utah or formed separatist churches here. Few remained after 1850; then by 1875 Mormons re-established a growing presence in Wisconsin.

 I also had a run in with one of my favorite kind of birds. I've never been closer to one than this time but he quickly flew off to the opposite bank and glared at me for my intrusion.

I then went and found a local McD's and had some lunch. It only took me 90 minutes to get up here, but it was lunchtime. Afterwards, I went on the 2or 3 mile ride to Voree to see the relics of what once was a community of like-minded people.

The above house is from the period and was the house where James Strang's mother lived. It is on the west side of the White River.

One of the monuments I wanted to see was one built of slabs taken from the quarry with a bronze plaque on it that showed the layout of the town. I couldn't find reference to where it was until I happened upon a page that gave the description of where it was. It is just on the East side of the river with no other indication that it is there from the road.

From this I found that the temple he wanted to build was actually located on the west side of the river. Well, that never happened. I think they got around to the first story before they moved on to Beaver Island in Michigan. Strang was shot there and moved back to Voree where he died a few years later, I believe.

On Mormon Road, the last meeting house of the group is located amidst a farmer's field. I can't find much evidence that it has been used recently. There used to be a website, strangite.org, that held a lot of information about the group, and the owner of the site was quite involved in the history of the time. He started a petition to stop the building of the Nauvoo Temple at one time and I knew he also collected documents of the time. Anyway, here is the chapel.

The outbuilding was empty and the door broken. The chapel had missing tiles and little else of interest. the marker is below.

MEMORIAL

 To Wingfield Watson, 1828-1922, Loyal disciple of James J. Strang and the teachings of Jesus Christ, our Lord. He was a wise counselor, parent, and stelwart leader of the saints after being dispossessed by a mob and scattered. He helped them battle dispondency, poverty, preasures from outside and disunity from within the church. Unfaltering, he used his sublime faith, knowledge and experience, the scriptures, cogent reasoning, debate, pamphlets, rinted contributions and wrote thousands of letters. Every possession beyond bare necessities was used to forward the Lord's work. His efforts gained the respect and admiration of all. He continued until he was past ninety-four years of age, leaving a record surely worthy of the emulation of all. Erected A.Dl 1984 Wingfield Watson Trust.

The trust mentioned bought and protected properties significant to the church, including the chapel, the area where the Voree Plates were found, the house Strang died in and a cemetery. The latter two located just down the road.

I couldn't gain access to where the plates were reportedly found but I did find an aerial shot of where it is. There supposedly is another plaque concerning that on the spot but it was behind fences to keep people like me out.

The only other item that I can add is that the slight hill in the picture below was where the temple was to be built. It was a protected area and I didn't want to try and find a way to it. I wanted to get back home before too long as I had plans that evening.

Anyway, there be my trip.

Interesting Links

Reddit post about the area.

Historical Marker

Voree Plates

Property owned by the church. "Mormon House"

Voree Temple

The Dollop. Irreverent History

Infants on Thrones, Hamer on Strang

Limits

This has nothing to do with speed. It has to do with relationships. Not sure what picture could be used for that. I'm partial to this image, so you'll have to live with it.

I've been watching Leah Remini's Scientology and the Aftermath on A and E and I watched episode 4 last night. It had to do with people that were fairly up in the operational hierarchy of the church and then something made them question. Not just question, but it passed some threshold, some limit in their own rationalizations that their minds just couldn't cross. It wasn't that the thing was that large, but it was "the last straw" or in LDS circles, "their shelf breaks." For one gentleman, it was seeing a particular man's (ex)wife, the man that was in the room during the interview, say that her husband was never physically assaulted by the leader of Scientology. He was there. He knew what had happened. He vividly remembers the sound of the punches hitting the man. He couldn't deal with that lie. Yes, it was just one of many, but it was a lie that tipped the scales. He mentioned over and over how many things he rationalized away because L. Ron Hubbard (LRH) put this man in charge before he died and LRH wouldn't have done that if he was a bad person. He just couldn't rationalize ruining anyone's life anymore.

Another man was in charge of security at one of the compounds. He put in security systems that were meant to imprison people rather than keep riff-raff out of the compound. His limit was when he convinced his wife to have an abortion because members of his order weren't allowed to have children. It ate away at him, and eventually cost him his marriage and job. Leah had to comfort him in that he was just doing what he had been told was right, that it was what a good person does. He was conned into this way of thinking.

I had my limits too. I had to research my faith for several years, and I know which limits I struck. It also tested limits in my marriage. Tracy stayed with me during my painful realizations that the relationship I had with my own religion wasn't a healthy one. She reached her limits too, once she re-evaluated her own premises. Luckily, the stretched limits in our marriage didn't break but we did need to do a lot of talking and get into synch again.

I've known many relationships that I've been a bystander to also find their limits. Many of them broke. Some of them didn't. Ultimately, it is the people involved who have to know what those limits, those boundaries, are. Some relationships aren't healthy. Some might be okay, but not to the standards of one or both of the participants any longer. I've always tried not to judge the relationships of others, to varying degrees of success. Life happens. Sometimes it happens in big heaping bucketfuls.

That's all. No profound thoughts, just observations.

To Eclipse and Back, Part 2

At 12, I grabbed my towel to sit on, my hat, my glasses, a bottle of water and I trudged up the hill. Totality would hit at 1:20 but it would start at 11:56. Nothing really interesting would happen, I figured, until around 50%. The hill was a bit steeper than I expected but no biggie. Once I got there, I found that there was still some shade under an apple tree. So there I sat, peering through the leaves occasionally as the moon slid over the face of the sun.

After I was up there around 20 minutes, a truck pulled up and the driver came out and asked, "Since you are here all alone, can I assume that you own this place?"
"Nope, just wanted to get away from everyone down the hill. Plus I want to see the shadow and I need to be high up to see the horizon."
"Well, care for some company?"
"Sure."

So there we sat. I was more comfortable in the shade but he seemed to want to be in the sun, looking through his 4 or 5 filters to see the sun. I made a call to Tracy to let her know I was positioned and to see how things were going on up north. As the time passed and totality drew near, I attempted to talk to Tracy and climb up the steep embankment on the south side of the road, to get the best view that I could. In the meantime, another person had joined us and was chatting both of us up pretty well. It was established that these two were from Texas, and then talked Texas to each other. I had no interest in conversation with them at this point, I just wanted to experience the eclipse. When I only had a few minutes left, I said goodbye to Tracy and messed with my phone, a new Samsung s8, to capture the shadow along the horizon. I was pretty sure the camera wouldn't be able to capture the sun very well. It wasn't made for that kind of thing.

I captured what I have on video. I hate my voice. Still, I absolutely wasn't expecting to see what the title photo above shows. I was expecting seeing a light ring, but I wasn't prepared to see the corona like that. It was captivating. All I could think of is what people millennia ago would have thought, to see the sun like that. It was awe inspiring to say the least. And the shadow. You could see its edges all around. While I didn't get a real horizon shot, the clouds presented a good reference for where the shadow struck.

At one point of the eclipse, at the end of totality, I saw Baily's Beads. That was a fitting end for me; to see the mountains of the moon, or at least their valleys. The the diamond appeared. We get the idea that the sun has this nice yellow light but the diamond gave me a shot of brilliant, stark white light. I made the comment that it "was so harsh" and it was, compared to being in shadow. I stopped the video and just looked around at the light building once again on the countryside. There was a book that I read when I was a child about farming on the moons of Jupiter. One of the characters asked the protagonist at one point about why there was so much light so far from the sun. The reply was that the eye only needs about 5% of the light on earth to see quite fine, and I think that is what I was experiencing. It wasn't long at all before I could see just fine.

BTW, yes, the birds went quiet. Anyone who has lived in the country knows that crickets are always making racket but the absense of other critters makes them more pronounced.

My Eclipse Video

I called Tracy and excitedly told her what I had just experienced.  I stumbled down the embankment and talked about my trip down the hill. "I don't know how I'm going to get my pants on."
"Your pants? Were you doing some naked eclipse dance or something?"
"No. I just changed into my shorts in the open when I arrived but now there are hundreds of people down there. I guess I could change in the restroom."

And now, the fun begins.....

To be continued.

To Eclipse and Back. Part 1

I must say that I probably did obsess a bit more about the eclipse than I should have. There were a few reasons. I wanted to see it once I heard it was passing so close to where I live and I really didn’t have any other trip planned this year. I’ve had one arm that had issues ever since a certain ice storm in January 2015 that didn’t clear up until well after a year. Then something screwed up my leg last year that caused my knee to hurt substantially until very early spring this year. I was, frankly, quite sick of being in a state where I couldn’t move around. So when news of the eclipse happened, I took it as a goal to get to the eclipse.

Then a new job presented itself in the spring and many of my plans for this summer would have to take a back seat. In addition, Tracy had her job now and we had a lot on our plate. On July 5th or 6th, I was coming home from downtown and as I stepped off the train, I noticed that the time was a minute or so before the bus would leave for Elgin. I had difficulty with running as I was wearing the pair of jeans that just didn’t fit right and wanted to slip off at any opportunity. I grabbed hold of my belt and made for the station exit as fast as I could safely do. Train stations aren’t necessarily made for speed. I made it to the exit just as the bus was pulling away. In futility, I raised my arm trying to get the attention of the driver…*POP!*…I almost buckled. What happened, I don’t know, but it was the most pain I ever remember experiencing. It was blinding. I stumbled over to the wall trying to figure out what happened to me.

What followed was a month of limping and occasional screaming. That first night was horrible, but it did get better with time. I always kept an eye towards August 21st, knowing that I wanted to ride my motorcycle down to the eclipse. I eventually felt comfortable enough to ride the bike, but it did hurt after a short time on the seat. I worried if I could make it the 6 hours down and 6 hours back.

And then it became difficult to concentrate. I haven’t taken any significant time off all year and it was telling. I just stared at maps trying to figure out where to park, where to sit, what to take on my limited storage space….By the time I was to go, I was starting to lose sleep. This was the farthest, I think, I’ve been on the bike. And yes, I was still in Illinois. Illinois is painfully long.

I originally was going to view the eclipse in Karnak, IL. I wanted to bike the Tunnel Hill Trail this year and it was located towards one end of the trail. Of course, my interest in Egyptology drove that decision more than anything. I looked at Google Maps looking for shade and bathroom facilities. I then found a state rec area just to the west of there along the trail that would have water, bathroom and other things. Then in my research, I found that it would be closed. Yeah, I could easily drive around the gate or even park the bike somewhere along the path and walk to it. Instead, I noticed some pull-offs along a nearby road. I figured it was surrounded by swamp so I might have some sense of privacy. Lots of bushes if I needed to use them for cover. And still, I looked along the trail for alternatives to park the bike if needed. I didn’t know how crowded it would really be. Best to look for even more alternatives.

Tunnel Hill. It was no more than a few houses but there is a parking area and a bathroom. I’m sure it was a horrendous facility but in a pinch, I had it there.  It would also help if others were there so I could change into my shorts once I arrived. I decided that it would be my first stop. If there was parking, that is where I would be. I could also get away by going up the hill and that should provide a view of the shadow that I was expecting.

I was starting to get more nervous in the days immediately before the eclipse. I was planning to leave at 3 am which should get me there around 9 am. I then decided in my anxiety that I should probably leave at 2 am. I kept an eye on the weather forecast and it looked like I would be following some rain around Champaign and there was about a 30% chance of rain late in the evening. I should probably be home before I would worry too much about that.  I was debating on whether I should go south on US45 and return back on that. It was out of the way and surface streets, but it really mattered how many other people were considering going that way. If things got bad, I could always go overland if I still had a charge on the phone to guide my way. I’ll probably wait to see how busy the expressway will be.

I woke up around midnight on the 21st and stumbled around until 2 getting everything ready and made my way south. The route was down Illinois 47 to Champaign and then I-57 all the way down. I wish there was something interesting to say about the trip down. I was travelling faster than I cared to, about 80mph. I did stop at Effingham for gas and while it was crowded, I wasn’t hampered by anything. Somewhere around Salem the traffic stopped while drivers were distracted by a crop duster but other than that…nothing to really mention. I exited at I-24 and a few miles on, I saw the exit labeled Tunnel Hill and a short trip later, I arrived at the parking area. It was already about half full at 9:30 am. I parked the bike, changed into my shorts between my bike and the truck to the other side of me and grabbed my towel and looked for a shady spot along the path to wait for about noon for my walk up the hill. To my surprise, my leg wasn't hurting me at all and all I really needed to concentrate on was getting enough water.

Not all that interesting yet….the fun stuff comes later.

$&)*@!

I've not been one to swear. Well, not one to swear in public. I've had my issues in the past but I have made conscious efforts to not verbalize them. I still have a bit of Turrets in that I remember some stupid thing that I did in the past and I utter some exclamation. I've tried to keep that at a minimum.

The other day, I had the house to myself and I was working on something in the kitchen and it started to go wrong. I won't go into any detail but I was starting to make a mess. While it became worse and worse, I found myself wanting to shout in frustration. Decades of training myself to swallow those words were brought to the fore. Do I let my anger out? No one is at home, so I should be safe. It would make me feel better....In a short space of a few seconds, I had an entire discussion with myself to allow myself to express myself in such a way. In the end, the situation won out, and I exclaimed the word.

Me: %&*$%^!!
Madsen: Are you okay Dad?

What?! What is he doing home.....*sigh* Am I ever truly alone? Do I have to explain this to him?

Me: I'm fine, just frustrated.

So, while I could let fly a blue streak in High School (but I never talked much so few heard it), I have been restrained much of my life afterwards. When I do use a choice word, my son realizes that it is unusual and asks me if I'm okay. So, I guess that is a small victory.

That's it. Just a look in on my uneventful life.

That Frantic Year

Do you remember that frantic year, the year we were first married? Well, maybe not the first year, but the second year. We had so much to do and so much to see. You were showing me a world I never knew existed, the one that you took for granted. Never before had I seen so much rock, age and desolation, and my reaction to it was so much different than my first years there. This is the world you grew up in and it was so foreign to me. I came from lands that were green and covered in trees. My vistas took me to the next forest, your vistas took me to other states spanning millions of years.

Do you remember how much we worked and studied? We spent all our time cramming in equations and case studies. In our time off we worked in cleaning others' messes. We only had one and a half day off any given week. We would throw everything needed in the car and drive to the nearest exit, making sure we stopped first for soda and potato wedges. We would alternate compass headings and go and see things that I had never seen before.

One of our trips we headed north to Idaho Falls. We were thinking we could make a visit to the temple there, but we decided that we had other things to do. We went to Craters of the Moon. These were the days before the internet. I had no idea what to expect. I certainly wasn't expecting what we found there. I didn't know such a place existed on the continent. I know I had shoes that weren't up to the task for such a place. My oxford tennis shoes were not made for this.

We stopped at EBR1. I can't remember if I knew it was there or not. I was so fascinated by nuclear reactors at the time. And why wouldn't I be? Put rocks together and they get hot. Put them together really quickly and you get them to explode. I still marvel at the concept. We learned about the plans to build a nuclear plane, one that could stay aloft for days, if not months. I recall something being said about the huge runway that would have to be built to allow such a large and heavy plane to take off and land.

Did we camp there? I can't remember.. If we did, it must have been a hard sleep; nothing but rock and sand to rest upon. If I recall, we just got in the car and came home. We would normally arrive late at night, having to wake early the next day for school or work. I don't know if we worked the same shift that year. I am pretty sure I worked the late shift by then. We would see so little of each other during the week.

Work all week, just to repeat our travels the next weekend.

God, I learned so much that year. I learned how to live with someone I loved. It was wanting to be with each other that got us through. I made so many mistakes that year. I'm glad you were so patient with me.

1. Barry Blather: Asking For What You Need

I've decided that I read and want to comment on articles enough that I'm just going to give it a title of sorts. It is more like trying my hand at a subject, one that someone else writes.

I know I spend a lot of time on my blog writing about relationships. It isn't that I'm particularly good at it. I read a lot and I'm trying to improve who I am, and also realize the mistakes I've made in the past, or last night. I make a lot of mistakes.

The article I'm taking on today is from The Good Men Project. It is a site that has some good times and some bad. I think it depends on who is editing it at the time. Anyway, the article is Asking For What You Need in a Relationship.

For some background, I've been very bad at this. Aside from asking Tracy for some attention at times, I don't think I ever was specific. Like the thing that drove me nuts, I approached things obliquely. I didn't want to create any kind of confrontation....well, let's get into the article, shall we?

We don’t know what our needs are.
I think this is somewhat true. I think that desires to be with someone early in the relationship might overshadow even those needs that we do know about. You make excuses because you want to be with this person. You want their desires and needs met, not your own and so when the relationship cools, you find out that the person just isn't what you personally need.

We fear that our partner may not be willing or able to meet our needs.
Fear stops us from doing a lot of things. It certainly has played a big role in my life, making me take avenues I wouldn't have otherwise. It translated into my relationships with people. It kept a lot of things down because my biggest desire was to love someone, and I didn't want that person to leave me because I had some "unreasonable" request or expectation. This probably played the largest part of my life that are listed in this article. (I can elaborate if you want.)

We don't want to appear 'needy'.
I think some of these are related for me. I have a high need for intimacy. I want downtime where I am doing nothing but holding her hand or stroking her hair. I want to be touched and just feel present with the person. Some of the expectations or perceived expectations that I felt, as a man, made that seem unmasculine (is that a word?). Those issues loomed large probably until my mid 30's into my 40's.

Basic lack of self-confidence.
To a point. I think that a good deal of self-confidence is healthy, but it can turn demanding. I am still thinking about this issue. At one time, I was very deferential but I had to balance my needs to the other's desires. I think I've achieved a good balance now in my life, but I struggled with finding this much of my life. I'm still not sure if I can verbalize the situation now.

We learned from the best.
I'm not one to publically criticize my parent's and other's relationships with each other. That said, I understand the significance of this point.

Fear of hurting someone's feelings.
This plays a huge role. You want to be with them. You don't get to be with someone if you tell them that they are doing something wrong. Well, you don't want this to happen if you have any form of empathy.

Inability to assert ourselves.
This would be a lot earlier aside from that empathy thing, that I noted above. At least, I see it that way. It also plays into the confidence issue. At least, this would be the case with me.

A disengaged partner.
I'm more than happy that I've never experienced this, aside from some of the first dates I had with Tracy. (There were reasons.) This is something that I learned in that hectic year of dating the year I got back from my mission. I wasn't going to spend any time with someone that didn't want to be there. Funny thing is, that is what led me to stop dating Tracy even though I was crazy about her. She wasn't "present" enough for me so I stopped asking her out. She later inserted herself back into my life and we, or at least I, haven't had that issue since. That isn't to say that in the ebb and flow of relationships we haven't had quiet times, but we have engaged each other. Sometimes that led to disagreements. Sometimes more understanding. I can't say that it has always been a smooth ride, but I think I have a good handle on this.

The original article is better, more general. I'd read that if I were you.

Saying Goodbye to Downtown, For Now

I spoke to my manager last Wednesday and it seems that a phase of my life is over. I'm not saying that it wasn't welcome, but it is time to move on to something else.

Last March, I was transferred to a group of developers downtown that work for a piece of software that E911 centers use to manage calls and radios as well as things like the location of law enforcement and traffic cameras. It really is impressive. I came to them as a temporary loan until FirstNet comes on line which has some foreign governments as well as Homeland Security as customers. I was to learn the platform and some other aspects of the software. In that, I think I did okay, as the tech used is completely new to me and on operating systems that I haven't historically concentrated upon. That as well as being in a new environment for me. Downtown. It took 2 hours commute each way to get there. I was working with a group instead of just myself. This was new on so many levels.

I didn't do too well. There are a lot of reasons. Some were my own background. Some were psychological. Some were the new manager's. Some were the lack of any on-boarding. I could probably write a long dissertation on all that went wrong. At some point last month, I came to a realization that this wasn't going to change and I went through a loss of all the stress I was feeling and went into a kind of apathy. I wanted to get back to Support and learn what my future role with FirstNet would be. I wanted, if nothing else, to feel competent again. I'm still surprised how much that experience of almost complete confusion and lack of peer support affected me and my view of my profession. It could have been much different, and it honestly should have been.

So while I was chatting with my wife last Friday on the 39th floor, my manager there was hearing that I was moving back to Schaumburg.

I will focus on the positive. I learned a lot. I became much more comfortable with the platform and technology. It will eventually be part of the platform I'm to support, and I hope to be ready for it. I still have a lot to learn and prepare for. That baptism into ignorance taught me a lot about myself. I will say that it was a valuable time for me.

Sometime in the next week, I'll once again go downtown. I'll make sure my computer there is clean and things are backed up onto the cloud. I'll turn it in to the IT dept there. That computer I spent the last 4 years on. It was a backbreaker. I can't say I will be sad to see it go as my new laptop is much more portable. I'll pack away my writing utensils and other computer bricker-brack and turn in my badge. I can always come into downtown when I want to, but I'll have to get a pass from the security desk downstairs. My manager once told me that I was the only one in the company that had 2 desks assigned. I don't know how true that is, but it was kind of interesting. Many others float around to the various facilities. I was just assigned to a place in two of them.

And away we go. It isn't like supporting the law-enforcement network and software for the country isn't stressful enough so I'll have plenty of sleepless nights ahead of me.

Not Horrific At All. Whatchyou Talkin' 'bout?

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/20/this-inspirational-story-about-a-doubting-mormon-is-horrific/

I share this story to say a couple of things, mostly selfish things. This is a story of an abusive relationship, one of conditional love. It was quickly pulled and replaced without the coercive issues, but the internet remembers.

I went on my mission with no expectations from my parents, unlike those in the article. I simply wanted to be a good person and show some gratitude for my situation which at the time was pretty awesome. It was the worst decision / experience I've ever had in my, admittedly, fairly non-eventful life. It has taken me decades to unpack it and even mentioning it, in all truthfulness, makes me feel like I've betrayed everything and everyone in my life to this day. I've tried to come to terms with it, with varying degrees of success.

No one should feel that that love is conditional on your expectations.

Everyone should be able to change their life for what they feel would be better, even if that means your expectations of them might have to change.

Cultural expectations can change if those that lead that culture make it happen. I should have come home after my time in the MTC. I was depressed beyond any level in my life before or since. I was told by my leaders how disappointed they were in me. While my friends and family might have accepted my coming home early, I knew that my life would be drastically different if I did. I couldn't live with my perceived failure with my adopted people, to live what I believed then. It was a horrible choice to make at the time but I chose to stay on my mission. I've had to live with that decision too.

There is nothing amusing about abandoning a family member because they don't do the things you want them to. Coercion should not be part of life or parenting.