I've decided that I read and want to comment on articles enough that I'm just going to give it a title of sorts. It is more like trying my hand at a subject, one that someone else writes.
I know I spend a lot of time on my blog writing about relationships. It isn't that I'm particularly good at it. I read a lot and I'm trying to improve who I am, and also realize the mistakes I've made in the past, or last night. I make a lot of mistakes.
The article I'm taking on today is from The Good Men Project. It is a site that has some good times and some bad. I think it depends on who is editing it at the time. Anyway, the article is Asking For What You Need in a Relationship.
For some background, I've been very bad at this. Aside from asking Tracy for some attention at times, I don't think I ever was specific. Like the thing that drove me nuts, I approached things obliquely. I didn't want to create any kind of confrontation....well, let's get into the article, shall we?
We don’t know what our needs are.
I think this is somewhat true. I think that desires to be with someone early in the relationship might overshadow even those needs that we do know about. You make excuses because you want to be with this person. You want their desires and needs met, not your own and so when the relationship cools, you find out that the person just isn't what you personally need.
We fear that our partner may not be willing or able to meet our needs.
Fear stops us from doing a lot of things. It certainly has played a big role in my life, making me take avenues I wouldn't have otherwise. It translated into my relationships with people. It kept a lot of things down because my biggest desire was to love someone, and I didn't want that person to leave me because I had some "unreasonable" request or expectation. This probably played the largest part of my life that are listed in this article. (I can elaborate if you want.)
We don't want to appear 'needy'.
I think some of these are related for me. I have a high need for intimacy. I want downtime where I am doing nothing but holding her hand or stroking her hair. I want to be touched and just feel present with the person. Some of the expectations or perceived expectations that I felt, as a man, made that seem unmasculine (is that a word?). Those issues loomed large probably until my mid 30's into my 40's.
Basic lack of self-confidence.
To a point. I think that a good deal of self-confidence is healthy, but it can turn demanding. I am still thinking about this issue. At one time, I was very deferential but I had to balance my needs to the other's desires. I think I've achieved a good balance now in my life, but I struggled with finding this much of my life. I'm still not sure if I can verbalize the situation now.
We learned from the best.
I'm not one to publically criticize my parent's and other's relationships with each other. That said, I understand the significance of this point.
Fear of hurting someone's feelings.
This plays a huge role. You want to be with them. You don't get to be with someone if you tell them that they are doing something wrong. Well, you don't want this to happen if you have any form of empathy.
Inability to assert ourselves.
This would be a lot earlier aside from that empathy thing, that I noted above. At least, I see it that way. It also plays into the confidence issue. At least, this would be the case with me.
A disengaged partner.
I'm more than happy that I've never experienced this, aside from some of the first dates I had with Tracy. (There were reasons.) This is something that I learned in that hectic year of dating the year I got back from my mission. I wasn't going to spend any time with someone that didn't want to be there. Funny thing is, that is what led me to stop dating Tracy even though I was crazy about her. She wasn't "present" enough for me so I stopped asking her out. She later inserted herself back into my life and we, or at least I, haven't had that issue since. That isn't to say that in the ebb and flow of relationships we haven't had quiet times, but we have engaged each other. Sometimes that led to disagreements. Sometimes more understanding. I can't say that it has always been a smooth ride, but I think I have a good handle on this.
The original article is better, more general. I'd read that if I were you.
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