Ask Me

I’m not sure if this is a new subject for me. I know I’ve told others about it. Last night, I heard Tracy mention it to her brother. Of course, I want to add a few things.

Shortly after Tracy and I married, she had a concert that she wanted to go to. She left hints, suggestions, whatnot for me to get the tickets. I’m sure she was thinking I was dense. I’m sure I was. In any case, as time went on, she became frustrated with me and eventually it came to a fight. I am fuzzy on the details but I walked out, bought some tickets, came home and put them on the table. “Next time, ask me.”

(Tracy has a different perspective on this. "You mean I can ask for what I want? I don't have to hint or manipulate you?")

This was a lesson for both of us. My previous relationships usually had me struggling to be someone that would be interesting. I found I sucked at mindreading. I’ve always had a problem with feeling inadequate in those little things that a woman might expect. I’d do almost anything, but I was an idiot and didn’t know what those “anythings” were. Dating was a horrible stress for me.

When I came back from my mission, I was determined to not fall into that situation again. I had two miserable years of depression and I was done with it. Tracy was an independent person and was one of the things that attracted me to her. I must also add that when she displayed traces of dependency, I had my own little freak outs. (I don’t like the word, dependency, here but I’m not sure what else to say.) Before our wedding, her parents bought her some things in ZCMI and that really stressed me out. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that after we were married. Yes, it was a gift for her but it raised some issues with expectations. We worked it out.

And we worked out the tickets to the concert. We worked out a lot of things in our marriage. We knew we had different interests to the point of taking separate vacations. If she wanted to go somewhere, she would ask me if I wanted to go along or not and visa versa. It wasn’t a reflection of our interest to be together. We had translated that part of our “love-language.”

I mention this because she brought it up to her brother and I also brought it up due to one of my trips. I had met a friend and she showed me around her part of the country. Just talking with her gave me things to think about for years, and I was quite contemplative at the time. She probably thought I was upset. In any case, she was hungry and she hinted, even to a figurative hitting me in the head with a 2x4, that she wanted to eat at this particular place. It didn’t register with me. Remember, I’m an idiot. Never forget that. Burn it into your minds for the next couple of decades. In any case, she didn’t tell me, “Stop here. I want to eat here.” And what followed was a time of frustration for me. I haven’t had to negotiate that language with someone in a long time. I was amazed that I had become so dependent upon Tracy knowing how to interact with me. Sheesh, no wonder people who date later in life or after a partner has died or divorced have an awkward time with this relationship thing. All that stuff has to be renegotiated.

I try to please the people I’m with, and even if I try, there are still issues. I think my only saving grace is that I’m more open to talk about it now. Ask me if you want something, because I won’t know otherwise.

And remember, I’m an idiot.