My Gift Anxiety

I have gift anxiety. It really didn’t come to the forefront until I started dating. The realization that I could never find a gift to represent my feelings, or the feeling of inadequacy because I wasn’t inventive enough to find the perfect gift is a special kind of hell. It wasn’t until after I married Tracy that it came to the forefront and there were lessons involved for both of us. I needed to be more verbal in my feelings of anxiety, to quash the fears that I had. Tracy was more than understanding. It wasn’t that I was trying to get out of a relationship requirement, but I have misread people in the past and I was just then becoming aware of how badly I had misread my own issues. I am a very emotional person, and a gift, a thing that I could hold in my hand, was never going to be enough.

I mentioned this to Tracy last night. Our daughter was out with friends and after many hours at the mall, just got around to asking her Mother, “Mom, what do you want for Christmas?” It is kind of frustrating to have a daughter that waits always for the last minute, but I’m not one to complain too much either. I waited until the last week myself.

After smiling and sighing in frustration, I told Tracy, “I want to tell you how much I appreciate you letting me know what you want. It does make it all so much easier.”

“Not a problem.” She replied, “You let me know all year long how much you love me. I don’t need something one time a year.”

I think that is what makes this time of year tolerable for me. Otherwise, if I thought my life was only appreciated because of my ability to find the perfect present, it would crush me. And yes, while it is an irrational fear, it has that significance for me. Instead, Tracy and I have learned to work around our anxieties. If she wants something, she gets it herself. I rarely complain. Well, almost rarely. I have other anxieties that I have to quash too. I get stuff too, but I also deny a lot of impulses of mine also. I can be selfish. And I have to realize that sometimes that’s allowed.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have my moments. Tracy did want me to mention about a waffle iron I once bought her for Christmas. I don’t like waffles but it was a big part of her growing up. She claims it was the most romantic thing I ever got her. I am not sure what to do with that information.  

I also found a few pieces of jewelry that she liked. It wasn’t diamonds or precious stones, but it did say that I paid attention to what she was into. I don’t know if they lasted all that long. Considering that we have the understanding that we can get what we want ourselves, it is usually the small things that are left over. I just wish that realization, that it doesn’t matter, could burrow through the anxiety I have that it is never enough.

My kids are better at it than I am too. At least, being adopted, they didn’t pick up that gene from me. While going through a store, Madsen looked down, picked up something and said, “Mom will like this.” I had to chuckle because yes, she would like it. I’m glad he was able to find a trinket like that and know that this would be enough to make his mother happy. (We are trying to make Christmas a much more quiet, subdued affair.)