I’m sitting in the basement. 20 years of bills and boxes of documents surround me. No, this probably isn’t a very common way any essays about mid-life crises start, but it works its way into the story eventually.
I’m probably pretty typical. I mean, really typical. You can read it all in what I’ve posted here. Over the past years I’ve taken a very hard look at my life and redrew boundaries, rethought goals, discovered and acknowledged what my passions and desires are. This has come at a price. That level of honesty with my past, present and future have put a lot of stress on my family. Tracy and I have fought, cried, and spent hours into the night trying to make everything work with who we were becoming. I also want to establish here and now that no marriage is written in stone. From my wife’s perspective, I took a hard left turn in my life and she’s been playing catch-up ever since.
First came long years of my trying to figure out what I believe. That was a painful road. It involved more introspection than I’ve ever done, and I was already a very internal-looking person. As those beliefs evolved and I realized that I felt much more comfortable being in a very different place than I had been most of my life, the negotiation with Tracy, the person who chose to be with me throughout my life, began. I took no expectations there. I needed to know my boundaries. I didn’t want agreement, I wanted mutual respect and wanted to determine how we were going to make this work or if we were at all.. I’ve seen more than one marriage with my online acquaintances vaporize and I wasn’t sure if that would happen to me or not. A level of frustration with determining if I was loved for me or for my position was constantly on my mind. To be honest and frank, from my perspective, there were several times when I thought my “life” as I knew it would be over. Never before had I argued with Tracy like this. I hated myself but I needed to live as I believed, and not as others expected me.
Eventually some other things occurred and once again I found my wife at my side traveling the same road. The kids agreed with our new life and we started a different path of discovery.
I found so many other things about my life that I wanted to throw away. I had been seeking approval most of my life. My friends and relationships meant more to me than anything and because of that, I compromised a lot of my own thoughts and feelings. I have always been more emotional and sensitive than I’ve ever let on. I’ve always been circumspect about it. To most people, I am grouchy, aloof and not a very approachable person. My wife had to field a lot of questions and statements because so many people were afraid to talk to me personally. In reality, I feel moments of unreachable bliss and deep depression. I didn’t let that on because it would make me feel vulnerable. I had harbored some other thoughts that the strength of my feelings meant that I might have some mental disorder. Certainly, someone with my exterior can’t feel so broken most of the time. I cried while driving home from work more times than I want to admit. My frequent trips away from my family were to try to quiet the demons that were constantly telling me how inadequate I was and that no one would understand how strongly I felt for them or about anything, really.
I had to start uncoiling all that. Tracy and I again spent time talking about all that we held from each other. That wasn’t easy. These things hurt. I don’t have nearly as strong a fear of abandonment that Tracy has, but I do have one. That is one reason I didn’t express anything. I don’t want to be hurt. Neither does she, but knowing each other’s vulnerabilities helped with overcoming those fears. Acceptance has become more important, instead of less. Acceptance is now different. I want acceptance, but I realize that I can go on without it and that I don’t want to sacrifice who I am for it.
More recently, we’ve taken on the future. As we’ve talked, I feel less damaged. I don’t feel much of a need for therapy, if that makes sense. We’ve still said things to each other that hurt, but we can use that to go further in our lives. I don’t expect Tracy to be at my side in every endeavor of my life, but we are for the important ones. I don’t feel so guarded and we can talk about some pretty intimate parts of our lives without completely falling apart. Close, but not completely.
So where does this tie in with being hip deep in old documents? Simple really. We’ve decided to get rid of the clutter in our lives and in our home. We have been too tied to our “stuff”. We don’t want to take this any further into our lives. We are purging unwanted and unnecessary things over the next few years. At least, that is the plan. The county announced a recycle day (which isn’t that unusual as they hold a more limited one each month) where we can shred old documents. We had kept (or is it just me) documents from the last 20 years because we had a basement, and there was space there. Well, this was the opportunity we had to purge that. Five boxes filled with old bills and some memories were going to the shredder. More plans created to get rid of other boxes of things were made. I’m determined to get rid of those things that don’t play a role in my life. At some point, we will probably move to a different part of the country, to start a new life in a place where we want to be instead of where the paycheck is. We have plans to downsize with each child that leaves home. We want to enjoy life a bit differently in the future than we have in the past. The fact that we were able to basically replan our lives with little disruption I think speaks volumes to where Tracy and I are now, compared to where we were.
Has this been worth it all? Yes. It was, quite frankly, terrifying. My life has been from one to hold on to everything around me tightly, to one where I can lose it all and I’d still feel content. I’m in a very different place than I was just three years ago. I hope it is a good place.
I’m probably pretty typical. I mean, really typical. You can read it all in what I’ve posted here. Over the past years I’ve taken a very hard look at my life and redrew boundaries, rethought goals, discovered and acknowledged what my passions and desires are. This has come at a price. That level of honesty with my past, present and future have put a lot of stress on my family. Tracy and I have fought, cried, and spent hours into the night trying to make everything work with who we were becoming. I also want to establish here and now that no marriage is written in stone. From my wife’s perspective, I took a hard left turn in my life and she’s been playing catch-up ever since.
First came long years of my trying to figure out what I believe. That was a painful road. It involved more introspection than I’ve ever done, and I was already a very internal-looking person. As those beliefs evolved and I realized that I felt much more comfortable being in a very different place than I had been most of my life, the negotiation with Tracy, the person who chose to be with me throughout my life, began. I took no expectations there. I needed to know my boundaries. I didn’t want agreement, I wanted mutual respect and wanted to determine how we were going to make this work or if we were at all.. I’ve seen more than one marriage with my online acquaintances vaporize and I wasn’t sure if that would happen to me or not. A level of frustration with determining if I was loved for me or for my position was constantly on my mind. To be honest and frank, from my perspective, there were several times when I thought my “life” as I knew it would be over. Never before had I argued with Tracy like this. I hated myself but I needed to live as I believed, and not as others expected me.
Eventually some other things occurred and once again I found my wife at my side traveling the same road. The kids agreed with our new life and we started a different path of discovery.
I found so many other things about my life that I wanted to throw away. I had been seeking approval most of my life. My friends and relationships meant more to me than anything and because of that, I compromised a lot of my own thoughts and feelings. I have always been more emotional and sensitive than I’ve ever let on. I’ve always been circumspect about it. To most people, I am grouchy, aloof and not a very approachable person. My wife had to field a lot of questions and statements because so many people were afraid to talk to me personally. In reality, I feel moments of unreachable bliss and deep depression. I didn’t let that on because it would make me feel vulnerable. I had harbored some other thoughts that the strength of my feelings meant that I might have some mental disorder. Certainly, someone with my exterior can’t feel so broken most of the time. I cried while driving home from work more times than I want to admit. My frequent trips away from my family were to try to quiet the demons that were constantly telling me how inadequate I was and that no one would understand how strongly I felt for them or about anything, really.
I had to start uncoiling all that. Tracy and I again spent time talking about all that we held from each other. That wasn’t easy. These things hurt. I don’t have nearly as strong a fear of abandonment that Tracy has, but I do have one. That is one reason I didn’t express anything. I don’t want to be hurt. Neither does she, but knowing each other’s vulnerabilities helped with overcoming those fears. Acceptance has become more important, instead of less. Acceptance is now different. I want acceptance, but I realize that I can go on without it and that I don’t want to sacrifice who I am for it.
More recently, we’ve taken on the future. As we’ve talked, I feel less damaged. I don’t feel much of a need for therapy, if that makes sense. We’ve still said things to each other that hurt, but we can use that to go further in our lives. I don’t expect Tracy to be at my side in every endeavor of my life, but we are for the important ones. I don’t feel so guarded and we can talk about some pretty intimate parts of our lives without completely falling apart. Close, but not completely.
So where does this tie in with being hip deep in old documents? Simple really. We’ve decided to get rid of the clutter in our lives and in our home. We have been too tied to our “stuff”. We don’t want to take this any further into our lives. We are purging unwanted and unnecessary things over the next few years. At least, that is the plan. The county announced a recycle day (which isn’t that unusual as they hold a more limited one each month) where we can shred old documents. We had kept (or is it just me) documents from the last 20 years because we had a basement, and there was space there. Well, this was the opportunity we had to purge that. Five boxes filled with old bills and some memories were going to the shredder. More plans created to get rid of other boxes of things were made. I’m determined to get rid of those things that don’t play a role in my life. At some point, we will probably move to a different part of the country, to start a new life in a place where we want to be instead of where the paycheck is. We have plans to downsize with each child that leaves home. We want to enjoy life a bit differently in the future than we have in the past. The fact that we were able to basically replan our lives with little disruption I think speaks volumes to where Tracy and I are now, compared to where we were.
Has this been worth it all? Yes. It was, quite frankly, terrifying. My life has been from one to hold on to everything around me tightly, to one where I can lose it all and I’d still feel content. I’m in a very different place than I was just three years ago. I hope it is a good place.
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