Several years ago I endeavored to write my feelings about love. I had felt that it was about time I tried to take on the most written about emotion. If nothing else, I could get some practice writing.
Love is a touchy, ever changing thing though. Before I started dating as a teen, I knew that I wanted something deeper than what I was seeing around me. I wanted a romance, someone I could get lost in, someone I could adore. Then the reality of dating hit and it was messier than I had ever imagined. Breakups were difficult and bothersome. Considering that I was the one doing the breakups, I figured there must be something right that I was doing, you know, other than breaking up with the girl.
Then I fell in love with someone that didn't want me lost in her, didn't want to be adored (or so I inferred). Now what the hell do I do? Oh yeah, I could have a nervous breakdown. That will make things easier. (Not her fault or issue.)
After the madness subsided, I had a stalker who threatened other girls that I dated. I had friendships that didn't want to stop at friendship and infatuations and well-thought out romances. I actually had dates with women that were actually fond of me. Married one of them in fact.
So, do I know about love now? Nope. Twenty-six years of marriage didn't give me any insight. The damn thing keeps moving around. At times it is a rush, sometimes a whimper. I still want to get lost in it, but reality keeps intruding. I've realized how selfish it becomes, to the point where someone might not want to be alive without someone. How messed up is that? It controls and hurts. It makes people do foolish things. It makes them question their sanity, over and over again.
It is also great and wonderful. I still yearn to get lost in someone, to adore them. It is a feeling that I've never shed. I have several anonymous blogs where I put things that I'm too afraid to post with my name attached but need to have voice. Love can raise someone up, it can also crush and destroy. I revel in all those aspects. I read romantic poetry, where love and loss are part of the trade. I try to build up my passions, to make sure I keep feeling. I don't want to be complacent in this. I don't want ecstasy or depression to rule my life, but love has always been my focus and it can lead to both of those things.
Perhaps someday I'll put a more honest attempt into writing about love.
Or maybe not.
"It is so scary how powerful love is, how people make it a life or death situation. How could you lose yourself so entirely in someone that, without them, you think you’re better off dead?"
-Unknown.
No comments:
Post a Comment