Drink and Dance With One Hand Free

I recounted to Tracy a time that I spent on my mission where I tried to rebuild after my year-long depression. When I was deciding what to do after I realized how badly messed up I was, I had to weigh my options. If I left halfway through, I wouldn't be able to go back to BYU. I knew that they would never accept me back. That was a hard thing to come to terms with. My adopted culture wouldn't accept me after such a failure. I contemplated how I would go on. My parents would probably consider me a failure. My church and my God would consider me a failure (a huge part of my current depression anyway.) I would have to settle for another school, as education was still important to me. I could probably get into Michigan but maybe not because I had a failure in a class my last semester and that would be something hard to overcome. More important to a young man my age, I probably wouldn't find anyone to date/marry in the church. What woman would have a failed missionary?

I resolved to finish, but I had to do it on my terms. I felt completely useless. I was devoid of most of what I was. I needed to find myself again. I would have to be me as much as I could for the remaining year.

So I was.

I gained a little reputation. I didn't pay much attention to the rules I felt were silly. I always hated authority and the church was a very authoritarian place. I bided my time. I could do anything for a year, right?

There was a song by Steve Winwood, Back the High Life. In it are these lyrics.

I'll be back in the high life again
All the doors I closed one time will open up again
I'll be back in the high life again
All the eyes that watched me once will smile and take me in

And I'll drink and dance with one hand free
Let the world back into me
And I'll be a sight to see
Back in the high life again

I took those to heart. At some point in my life, I would drink and dance with one hand free. My depression was temporary. My feeling of being stuck, trapped, will be temporary. While others found BYU to be oppressive, I didn't. I loved learning so much that I never needed to rebel. When I got back to school, I would do as much as I could to enjoy the life that I had put on hold.

And I did for the most part. Of course, once I became engaged, I became real serious about school again. Stress of wanting to be a success at my career took over, but I enjoyed school as much as I could. I took as much out of life as I could for those remaining years.

I loved that song. I'm glad I remembered it.