When Hayden was growing up, it was taking him some time to find the words to express what he felt. He often acted out. When he was upset, he didn’t yell. Instead he went into our closet and took everything off the hangers.
I think I went through something similar growing up, on a lot of levels. I think most teens/adolescents do. I mean, how do you express all the new feelings and sensations around you? How do you talk about sex with your parents when their entire discourse on the subject is “Wait till you’re married.” How do you talk about all the complexity of love with your peers when all they can do is snicker like Beavis and Butthead whenever the topic was brought up. And to be fair to them, I couldn’t even figure out how to talk to a girl, let alone give any exposition on the matter. I mean, vocabulary is important. I found that out when I started reading poetry and actually enjoying it over the past few years. I am finally gaining the vocabulary I wanted to be able to express what I have felt all this time.
I was thinking about this while driving home from work the other day. I realized how much I “acted out” in different ways as a teen because I couldn’t adequately express what I felt. It also explains why I went more to the hard rock end of the music spectrum. It had the energy that I craved. Perhaps it wasn’t the same kind of energy I felt, but it was there none-the-less. Regardless of what you might think of the testosterone fuelled genre, it provided an outlet for those males that felt passion and emotion in a society that was putting a lot of boundaries on actions. The religious right was gaining power and women were becoming more independent. Couple that with teen angst and that lack of passionate vocabulary and it is no surprise to me that things musically turned that way (hair, spandex, color).
So here I was listening to Metallica on the way home. While I didn’t feel the angst of the song, I felt the energy, the drive. I’ve come to appreciate the words. Yeah, you might not think that words are that important to their songs, but they are essentially poetry. They express a feeling, a sentiment that many can relate to. Since the song is long and if you don’t like their music it could be painful, let me instead put the lyrics here so you can read them, or you can follow along on the lyric video.
Fixxxer
Dolls of voodoo all stuck with pins
One for each of us and our sins
So you lay us in a line
Push your pins, they make us humble
Only you can tell in time
If we fall or merely stumble
Mirror, mirror upon thy wall
Break the spell or become the doll
See you sharpening the pins
So the holes will remind us
We're just the toys in the hands of another
And in time the needles turn from shine to rust
But tell me
Can you heal what Father's done?
Or fix this hole in a mother's son?
Can you heal the broken worlds within?
Can you strip away so we may start again?
Tell me
Can you heal what Father's done?
Or cut this rope and let us run?
Just when all seems fine
And I'm pain free
You jab another pin
Jab another pin in me
Jab it
Here come the pins
Blood for face
Sweat for dirt
Three X's for the stone
To break this curse
A ritual's due
I believe I'm not alone
Shell of shotgun
Pint of gin
Numb us up to shield the pins
Renew our faith
Which way we can
To fall in love with life again
No more pins in me!
I’ll leave it to you to find your own meaning in the song, but this expresses a very powerful feeling/transition, at least to me. I survived my own inability to express thoughts by proxy with bands and songs that pushed the boundaries, those that felt free to live as they wanted instead of from the expectations of society. Now, I know that music is a business and it was a lifestyle that was marketed, but I was a kid. What did I know about how the world worked?
Anyway, Sunday is Father’s Day. Do Dads a favor and leave them alone. My day will be spent on the bike and playing video games. I hope yours is enjoyable too.
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