The Bleeding of Me

The thorns which I have reap'd are of the tree I planted; they have torn me, and I bleed.

I should have known what fruit would spring from such a seed.

~Lord Byron~

This is a travelogue of sorts, so I don't want to bore you if you'd rather read some funny or lighter reading. You see, I took a motorcycle ride last Monday, Memorial Day. I've written in the past about how I use my trips to exorcise the demons from my life. I do a lot of thinking and watching of life moving past me. I am way too introspective. Now I'm no longer ashamed to say that I spent a lot of time crying on those trips. It wasn't self-pity. It wasn't mourning of things that didn't happen. My life is pretty good, but I've been living with a lot of cognitive dissonance much of my life. It is from my need to make sense of things, to justify my life, my thoughts, and beliefs.

I grew up devoted to my faith. I converted at a time when I needed and wanted my parents' trust. I needed to change my life. I found a place that was new and exciting and a social environment that I enjoyed. Going to a church school was fantastic. I loved learning and aside from that first year where I had a bad group of teachers, I did well. I made friends that I have to this day. When I encountered things that I didn't agree with, I pushed them down because my faith, at that time, translated to the wonderful people around me. It didn't matter, I wanted to be with these people.

Mission. I've written about it before. No need to rehash. I still marvel at how much psychological damage it did to me. I wish I could yell back in time to the person I was and get him to listen to me, but it is what it is. Understanding it helps, but I still experience quick flashes of frustration and anger and I probably will the rest of my life.

Until my faith was shaken and all the frustrations of the previous 30 years broke the shelf, I didn't realize, truly realize, the burden I carried. The introspection became worse, the crying more frequent. I've hinted and expressed all of this in my previous posts. It wasn't trivial and it shouldn't be trivialized. I was passing though that "mid-life crisis" where I wanted to know and direct where my life was going. I put up my beliefs and relationships for inspection trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't.

So here I am. Sometime last October things started falling more into place, settling in, and my mind was less troubled. I've left my previous faith and am finding that my life is better now. No longer do I have that need to make sense, argue, or have that internal struggle that I've lived with for so long. These past months have been wonderful in that regard. I once again have that emotional energy to devote towards my career and learning. I'm reading a bit more, finally. Things have settled in and I'm comfortable with who I am.

So what does this have to do with a travelogue? Did I merely use it as a vehicle to once again state how superior I am to others? No. I said it was a travelogue because that part is coming. My main realization of that trip is that my mind was mostly blank during the journey. I didn't have any demons to purge. I didn't have emotional weight to shed because I've shifted them to other parts of my life. My relationships are starting to fill out again and I'm truly in a different place. Now, I can't say it is my final place as I've mistakenly declared that before. This trip though...this trip told me something, by not telling me anything.

Yeah, this is from the Hennepin Canal. I debated going to the Mississippi at various stages of the route, but I settled for the Illinois River area instead. Last year I biked this thing.

This time, I decided to take a closer look at the power plant that I've seen across the river from De Pue. So, I went south on IL-26 and crossed the river. It was comforting to see the barges and boats on the river. I've decided that I like river life, but aside from a few miles from the Fox, I probably won't live closer to one. This plant was one that Tracy and I saw on one of our first road trips in Illinois. It was big and shiny at the time and I made a mental note about it in case the job at Motorola died off to come down here and try this place. Now it is shuttered up and I have no idea what they used to do there. It really is a huge building. Note the odd looking water tower to the right.

A little further down the road was this beauty. I think it is an ethanol plant. Lots and lots of train cars around the place. (I really like industrial sites. The engineer in me just drools over them.)

The park in Henry and a view of the Illinois River and the bridge over it. My motorcycle is on the left. I didn't stay long. No thoughts to contemplate. However, on the way home, I did started to think about going to play some frisbee golf with the kids and then remembered that it would probably mess up my right arm again as it hasn't really healed from shoveling after the ice storm we had in January.


The title of this post I took from the lyrics of "Bleeding Me" by Metallica. For me, it is almost the perfect song. It gives voice to the feelings I've had for so long, but didn't realize all the damage it was doing to me.

Bleeding Me

I'm diggin' my way
I'm diggin' my way to something
I'm diggin' my way to somethin' better

I'm pushin' to stay
I'm pushin' to stay with something
I'm pushin' to stay with something better

I'm sowing the seeds
I'm sowing the seeds I've taken
I'm sowing the seeds I take for granted

This thorn in my side
This thorn in my side is from the tree
This thorn in my side is from the tree I've planted

It tears me and I bleed
And I bleed

Caught under wheel's roll
I take the leech I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it
Caught under wheel's roll
The bleeding of me
Of me
The bleeding of me

Caught under wheel's roll
I take the leech I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it
Caught under wheel's roll
The bleeding of me
The bleeding of me

I am the beast that feeds the feast
I am the blood, I am release
Come make me pure
Bleed me a cure
I'm caught, I'm caught, I'm caught under

Caught under wheel's roll
I take thay leech I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it
The bleeding of me

Come on
Bleed me

I'm digging my way
I'm digging my way to something
I'm digging my way to something better

I'm pushing to stay
I'm pushing to stay with something
I'm pushing to stay with something better

With something better