In the last of the Hunger Games books, Peeta, after enduring brainwashing and trying to recover, frequently asks a particular question about a memory or a feeling, "Real or not real?" I thought that was a very simple question and recently had to use it for some fairly fundamental parts of my life. I've gone over a lot of that before. Perhaps I should talk about other aspects of that question.
Aside from looking at my faith, my beliefs and holding them to a non-subjective standard and asking "Real or Not Real", I've had to do that with my other relationships other than the one relationship with an institution. Sometimes it is as simple as the book where Peeta asks Katniss if she loves him. Sometimes it has gotten deeper, as such relationships should and a follow-up of "What does it mean?" is in order. A lot of people claim to love each other, but what does it really mean? Are there some limitations? What is it that love means to you? Where does passion fit in? What are you willing to accept politically, emotionally, etc. to stay in love with me? I know that these might seem to be dry questions, but considering my history, these are questions that I've asked. I have been very, very wrong about some things in my life with some things still persisting. I'm very emotional and letting go of things on that level, with me, have been extremely hard. It was a part of me that I have been reluctant to share.
Friendships
Recently, I've had to crank up the "intimacy" of some of my friendships. In my search for meaning and for more meaningful relationships, I have opened up myself to a few friends. Some haven't taken it well. Some didn't want that level of knowledge of me or of my struggles. I think it cost me a few of them. Mostly it was along the lines of "I'm hurt, and I don't know what to do with it." or "I have questions about my life and my decisions and I haven't dealt with them too well." Even in my current state when I look in the psychological rear-view and mutter, "My God, I survived that." some may take as an arrogant pronouncement. It isn't like I have the secret to life. I certainly don't want to come off as insufferable because of the fact that I endured my own challenges and therefore, I know all.
To be clear on the matter. I still don't "get it". Life is just as confusing and frustrating as it ever was. I have made my peace with that though. I no longer feel like I have to wrestle with every bull that charges my way. I'm more content to watch it pass by, to let someone else that knows differently, better or is just delusional have at the contest. Perhaps passivity isn't all that attractive, but I'm much happier now.
With this newfound peace and shedding of my former restraints, my circle of friends has also expanded. The anti-social person that I once was has drifted off and has been replaced with someone more outgoing. That doesn't mean I still don't find a great deal of comfort being alone, but people are generally wonderful critters too. My former faith taught me to not have friends of the opposite sex or become too close with them. Well, why would I want to limit my contact with half the population of the world in fear that adultery would break out? Really, have you looked at me recently? I don't consider that a real risk and besides, I get along with women better. I have more interest in the things women seem to have more interest in. If nothing else, they provide me a different perspective and outlook on life than I have. I still need someone to tell me that I'm a jerk when I'm being a jerk. This did put a little stress in my relationship with Tracy. Here I was having conversations with women around the country (and world) and talking about a lot of personal things. You know what though? I'm an adult. I want friends and I want to talk about things. The good thing is that she also shed her restraints. She had rejected friendships with men for the same reasons and now she felt free to pursue those friendships. We both can be better people and stay committed to each other. Or not. You know why? Because we are adults and adults can reason and make decisions about their lives.
Marriage
So we, Tracy and I, hold up our relationship with each other and ask the question "Real or not real". This is the relationship that consumes most of our lives and yet most of us are afraid to ask that question. Even if this question is asked, it can have consequences. I've had those painful conversations. I know that I've hurt Tracy with that introspection. Still, I don't know how to change things without being honest. I've hidden too much in my life and I tired of it. Did I state my frustrations and just walk away? No. I worked on them. I tried new things, tried to think differently or tried to resolve my conflict. I worked with her on what I could. I know it might seem selfish but I've had to ask myself if I was happy. Living an unhappy life isn't doing anyone any favors. If whatever isn't being fulfilled is hampering any sense of contentment, all I'm doing is living a miserable life. So, am I happy? And that is a question that I don't feel restrained in asking Tracy. She needs to be happy too. If I'm not doing what I need to do for her, then what can I do to change because it might be an issue bothering me too.
Unfortunately, I've had many friends look at their own marriages, ask the question "Real or not real" and it has come up wanting. For whatever reason, they've decided that they are better off without that person. I understand that, and I respect their decisions. Many of the people that were raised in the same culture I was raised in were married young with little to no life experience. Sometimes choices were made which the other partner couldn't abide. Sometimes change was found to be impossible. Sometimes empathy was lacking. Sometimes it was a decision that just had to be made. I get that. No one should have to be in a relationship that they don't want to be in. Yes, sometimes there are obligations that have to be met, but generally, don't be somewhere that you don't want to be or is causing you pain.
"Real or not real" I think is a great way to look at look at these introspective moments, and honestly one of the best things to be gleaned out of the Hunger Games books. I think it can change our lives.
Here are a few of the Reality quotes that I like.
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”
-- Philip K. Dick
"Let go of what you know and honor what exists."
-- David Bazan
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