These Are What We Stay Alive For

My Last Opinion on the Matter

Sadly, I think this is the situation.

One of the political opinions I've changed recently is about gun control. Some of that is from experience. I live in a place that some call the most violent place in America, but statistically, it is more violent out West. Chicagoland is somewhere in the middle of the pack. We just get on the news as we are a bit more concentrated than other metropolises. Anyway, I purchased and obtained a few guns recently. It shocked me how easy it was. I got my card from the State to show I wasn't a felon and within 3 days, I could have legally obtained any gun I wanted, aside from those already controlled. I was only slightly more inconvenienced when I purchased Pseudofed from the pharmacy. Here in my hand was a device whose only purpose is to project violence at a distance. It serves no other purpose. Do you know how much training it took to get one. None. Not a single minute. I had a gun that, to quote Dirty Harry, could "blow your head clean off" and no one cared who I was or what my intentions were.

I'm not afraid of guns. I grew up around them and some in my family have many, many guns. I know that they can be useful in varmint eradication. I'm somewhat amused by being in the country and thinking "guns, meh." to living in the city thinking "guns, What the hell do you need that for? Do you know how many kids are killed by those things?"

I don't know what the solution is to our mass-shooting problems. NIU, in the "next town over" from where I live, where Tracy received her Masters Degree, had its own shooting. I do know that doing nothing isn't working. I don't want to confiscate peoples' guns and I'm tired that so many people flee to that extreme in the arguments. I don't believe the guv'ment is out to get us and I think, as a country, we all need some serious civics lessons. I still have hope in mankind generally even though I'm a bit of a fatalist.

I found the following comment on Vox's article and I really like it. With it, I'll be done and try not to engage in any more arguments. I lose hope in humanity so easily now, that we can't get along, compromise, and lack so much empathy. Perhaps I need some of that myself. Still. it is what it is.

Gillian Mc Allister: Terrorism in any name is still terrorism. What we have to look at is the mechanism of how it happened. And, repeatedly it comes down to guns in the hands of the wrong people. We have 50 states worth of gun control laws from somewhat strict to meaningless. They all have failed us repeatedly. The problem must be addressed on a national level to have teeth and the ability to follow up and be effective across state lines. We cannot continue to bury our heads in the sand and hope that it will get better with more publicity. But it hasn't and that is blatantly apparent. Federal Laws that must address all the issues and have cross reference teeth to back it up with repercussions before more innocents die for the sake of the NRA and their toadies. The right to own a gun must be second to the right to live. Here is a framework of how to frame the laws and give it teeth to punish those who disregard the right to life of ourselves and our children:

1. Require background checks at all sales locations – not just at stores but at gun shows, in gun show parking lots, private sales, etc.

2. Require obligatory reporting of all gun sales including private sales with legal/criminal repercussions for failing to do so.

3. Require licensing with safety training & testing required with mandatory liability insurance for each gun with yearly renewals - just like driving licenses.

4. Loss of those licenses and privileges for serious infractions - having your guns taken away if you are found liable for "careless use" such as leaving loaded weapons around for children to pick up - unfortunately it may be after the fact such as in the cases where young children have killed other children or parents accidentally but at least it is a step in the right direction, or if you are found to be a "straw purchaser" buying for someone else who would not have passed the criteria for obtaining a license.

5. Make parents or the gun owner liable for children or others getting their hands on the owned guns and shooting someone. It is the responsibility of the gun owner to make sure his/her guns are secure.

6. Require presentation of both the license and liability insurance for the purchase of both guns and ammo.

7. Maintain a national registration data base on all gun and ammo purchases with the ability to investigate unusual or large purchases through designed algorithms to catch outliers and to be able to trace confiscated guns to their original owners so as to track how they got into the hands of criminal or terrorists. This goes along with the next item.

8. Require mandatory reporting of all stolen guns within 24 hours with legal/criminal repercussions for failing to do so.

9. Confiscate weapons of all those convicted of domestic violence or felonies and not permitting licensing for them in the future.

10. No conceal carry or open carry unless there is a definitive and crucial reason demonstrating that the person is under high risk due to their job but then only with the proper training, certification, licensing and insurance.

11. Require mental health background checks in order to obtain a license to purchase as suicide and homicide rates jump dramatically when there are guns available within a household. Require a medical doctor’s certification, understanding that people can recover from some mental disorders, as to the viable safety or not of an applicant.

12. Trigger locks required on all guns when not in legal use with civil/criminal repercussions for failure to do so. Seriously consider “finger print” locks for future manufacturing standards – at least it will prevent anyone but the licensed purchaser from shooting the gun and all those toddler accidental shootings and render stolen guns useless.

13. Ban on all assault and automatic guns. The only purpose of an assault weapon is to kill people. They are not legal for hunting nor appropriate for any type of target shooting. These should be reserved for the military and SWAT Teams only.

14. Create a Federal “buy back” program as an incentive to reduce the physical number of guns already out there. Yes, it is voluntary but it is a beginning and had a very successful effect in Australia.

These are reasonable and realistic parameters that we should fight for. I'm not talking about taking guns away across the board but rather licensing them and making sure of education, responsibility and insurance - just like cars.

The right to own a gun should not come at the expense of the safety of other citizens going about their daily activities.

Yes, there are plenty of safety conscious and responsible gun owners and these suggestions would not affect their ability to continue to do so but these laws would provide a level of safety for the rest of our citizens that does not exist today against those who are not responsible.

Yes, guns don't kill per se, just like automobiles don't kill all by themselves, but PEOPLE with guns do, just like bad driver's or drunk drivers, or driver's with road rage. And the mass killing that we have seen is just that - anger and rage out of control with a deadly weapon in their hands. That's what we have to address. And, yes, it will be difficult but we have to take the step to protect each other from this kind of travesty.

If you complain but do nothing – stop complaining. Otherwise become active, write letters to your congressmen and representatives at both the state and federal level. Let them know how strongly you feel about this and keep telling them. Be proactive in getting others involved before more innocent lives are lost. REMEMBER, with the current rash of catastrophes and inflamed public opinion we do have a chance at the voting booths. We tell our candidates that we will not vote for them unless they are willing to endorse strong gun safety laws. 

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE – BUT WE MUST TAKE ACTION AND VOTE WISELY

HOW MANY MORE HAVE TO DIE BEFORE WE START CREATING AND ENFORCING STRONG GUN CONTROL LAWS?????????  WOULD IT CHANGE IF IT WAS YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER - YOUR SISTER OR BROTHER - YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER?  THEN WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR????????

For your viewing pleasure, I still find this useful, even though it was a comedy routine.




Some other links:
john-oliver-australia-guns
I_bought_an_AR-15_semi-automatic_rifle_in_Philly_in_7_minutes
Upworthy from last year

Real or Not Real

In the last of the Hunger Games books, Peeta, after enduring brainwashing and trying to recover, frequently asks a particular question about a memory or a feeling, "Real or not real?" I thought that was a very simple question and recently had to use it for some fairly fundamental parts of my life. I've gone over a lot of that before. Perhaps I should talk about other aspects of that question.

Aside from looking at my faith, my beliefs and holding them to a non-subjective standard and asking "Real or Not Real", I've had to do that with my other relationships other than the one relationship with an institution. Sometimes it is as simple as the book where Peeta asks Katniss if she loves him. Sometimes it has gotten deeper, as such relationships should and a follow-up of "What does it mean?" is in order. A lot of people claim to love each other, but what does it really mean? Are there some limitations? What is it that love means to you? Where does passion fit in? What are you willing to accept politically, emotionally, etc. to stay in love with me? I know that these might seem to be dry questions, but considering my history, these are questions that I've asked. I have been very, very wrong about some things in my life with some things still persisting. I'm very emotional and letting go of things on that level, with me, have been extremely hard. It was a part of me that I have been reluctant to share.

Friendships

Recently, I've had to crank up the "intimacy" of some of my friendships. In my search for meaning and for more meaningful relationships, I have opened up myself to a few friends. Some haven't taken it well. Some didn't want that level of knowledge of me or of my struggles. I think it cost me a few of them. Mostly it was along the lines of "I'm hurt, and I don't know what to do with it." or "I have questions about my life and my decisions and I haven't dealt with them too well." Even in my current state when I look in the psychological rear-view and mutter, "My God, I survived that." some may take as an arrogant pronouncement. It isn't like I have the secret to life. I certainly don't want to come off as insufferable because of the fact that I endured my own challenges and therefore, I know all.

To be clear on the matter. I still don't "get it". Life is just as confusing and frustrating as it ever was. I have made my peace with that though. I no longer feel like I have to wrestle with every bull that charges my way. I'm more content to watch it pass by, to let someone else that knows differently, better or is just delusional have at the contest. Perhaps passivity isn't all that attractive, but I'm much happier now.

With this newfound peace and shedding of my former restraints, my circle of friends has also expanded. The anti-social person that I once was has drifted off and has been replaced with someone more outgoing. That doesn't mean I still don't find a great deal of comfort being alone, but people are generally wonderful critters too. My former faith taught me to not have friends of the opposite sex or become too close with them. Well, why would I want to limit my contact with half the population of the world in fear that adultery would break out? Really, have you looked at me recently? I don't consider that a real risk and besides, I get along with women better. I have more interest in the things women seem to have more interest in. If nothing else, they provide me a different perspective and outlook on life than I have. I still need someone to tell me that I'm a jerk when I'm being a jerk. This did put a little stress in my relationship with Tracy. Here I was having conversations with women around the country (and world) and talking about a lot of personal things. You know what though? I'm an adult. I want friends and I want to talk about things. The good thing is that she also shed her restraints. She had rejected friendships with men for the same reasons and now she felt free to pursue those friendships. We both can be better people and stay committed to each other. Or not. You know why? Because we are adults and adults can reason and make decisions about their lives.

Marriage

So we, Tracy and I, hold up our relationship with each other and ask the question "Real or not real". This is the relationship that consumes most of our lives and yet most of us are afraid to ask that question. Even if this question is asked, it can have consequences. I've had those painful conversations. I know that I've hurt Tracy with that introspection. Still, I don't know how to change things without being honest. I've hidden too much in my life and I tired of it. Did I state my frustrations and just walk away? No. I worked on them. I tried new things, tried to think differently or tried to resolve my conflict. I worked with her on what I could. I know it might seem selfish but I've had to ask myself if I was happy. Living an unhappy life isn't doing anyone any favors. If whatever isn't being fulfilled is hampering any sense of contentment, all I'm doing is living a miserable life. So, am I happy? And that is a question that I don't feel restrained in asking Tracy. She needs to be happy too. If I'm not doing what I need to do for her, then what can I do to change because it might be an issue bothering me too.

Unfortunately, I've had many friends look at their own marriages, ask the question "Real or not real" and it has come up wanting. For whatever reason, they've decided that they are better off without that person. I understand that, and I respect their decisions. Many of the people that were raised in the same culture I was raised in were married young with little to no life experience. Sometimes choices were made which the other partner couldn't abide. Sometimes change was found to be impossible. Sometimes empathy was lacking. Sometimes it was a decision that just had to be made. I get that. No one should have to be in a relationship that they don't want to be in. Yes, sometimes there are obligations that have to be met, but generally, don't be somewhere that you don't want to be or is causing you pain.

"Real or not real" I think is a great way to look at look at these introspective moments, and honestly one of the best things to be gleaned out of the Hunger Games books. I think it can change our lives.

Here are a few of the Reality quotes that I like.

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”
-- Philip K. Dick

"Let go of what you know and honor what exists."
-- David Bazan

The Bleeding of Me

The thorns which I have reap'd are of the tree I planted; they have torn me, and I bleed.

I should have known what fruit would spring from such a seed.

~Lord Byron~

This is a travelogue of sorts, so I don't want to bore you if you'd rather read some funny or lighter reading. You see, I took a motorcycle ride last Monday, Memorial Day. I've written in the past about how I use my trips to exorcise the demons from my life. I do a lot of thinking and watching of life moving past me. I am way too introspective. Now I'm no longer ashamed to say that I spent a lot of time crying on those trips. It wasn't self-pity. It wasn't mourning of things that didn't happen. My life is pretty good, but I've been living with a lot of cognitive dissonance much of my life. It is from my need to make sense of things, to justify my life, my thoughts, and beliefs.

I grew up devoted to my faith. I converted at a time when I needed and wanted my parents' trust. I needed to change my life. I found a place that was new and exciting and a social environment that I enjoyed. Going to a church school was fantastic. I loved learning and aside from that first year where I had a bad group of teachers, I did well. I made friends that I have to this day. When I encountered things that I didn't agree with, I pushed them down because my faith, at that time, translated to the wonderful people around me. It didn't matter, I wanted to be with these people.

Mission. I've written about it before. No need to rehash. I still marvel at how much psychological damage it did to me. I wish I could yell back in time to the person I was and get him to listen to me, but it is what it is. Understanding it helps, but I still experience quick flashes of frustration and anger and I probably will the rest of my life.

Until my faith was shaken and all the frustrations of the previous 30 years broke the shelf, I didn't realize, truly realize, the burden I carried. The introspection became worse, the crying more frequent. I've hinted and expressed all of this in my previous posts. It wasn't trivial and it shouldn't be trivialized. I was passing though that "mid-life crisis" where I wanted to know and direct where my life was going. I put up my beliefs and relationships for inspection trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't.

So here I am. Sometime last October things started falling more into place, settling in, and my mind was less troubled. I've left my previous faith and am finding that my life is better now. No longer do I have that need to make sense, argue, or have that internal struggle that I've lived with for so long. These past months have been wonderful in that regard. I once again have that emotional energy to devote towards my career and learning. I'm reading a bit more, finally. Things have settled in and I'm comfortable with who I am.

So what does this have to do with a travelogue? Did I merely use it as a vehicle to once again state how superior I am to others? No. I said it was a travelogue because that part is coming. My main realization of that trip is that my mind was mostly blank during the journey. I didn't have any demons to purge. I didn't have emotional weight to shed because I've shifted them to other parts of my life. My relationships are starting to fill out again and I'm truly in a different place. Now, I can't say it is my final place as I've mistakenly declared that before. This trip though...this trip told me something, by not telling me anything.

Yeah, this is from the Hennepin Canal. I debated going to the Mississippi at various stages of the route, but I settled for the Illinois River area instead. Last year I biked this thing.

This time, I decided to take a closer look at the power plant that I've seen across the river from De Pue. So, I went south on IL-26 and crossed the river. It was comforting to see the barges and boats on the river. I've decided that I like river life, but aside from a few miles from the Fox, I probably won't live closer to one. This plant was one that Tracy and I saw on one of our first road trips in Illinois. It was big and shiny at the time and I made a mental note about it in case the job at Motorola died off to come down here and try this place. Now it is shuttered up and I have no idea what they used to do there. It really is a huge building. Note the odd looking water tower to the right.

A little further down the road was this beauty. I think it is an ethanol plant. Lots and lots of train cars around the place. (I really like industrial sites. The engineer in me just drools over them.)

The park in Henry and a view of the Illinois River and the bridge over it. My motorcycle is on the left. I didn't stay long. No thoughts to contemplate. However, on the way home, I did started to think about going to play some frisbee golf with the kids and then remembered that it would probably mess up my right arm again as it hasn't really healed from shoveling after the ice storm we had in January.


The title of this post I took from the lyrics of "Bleeding Me" by Metallica. For me, it is almost the perfect song. It gives voice to the feelings I've had for so long, but didn't realize all the damage it was doing to me.

Bleeding Me

I'm diggin' my way
I'm diggin' my way to something
I'm diggin' my way to somethin' better

I'm pushin' to stay
I'm pushin' to stay with something
I'm pushin' to stay with something better

I'm sowing the seeds
I'm sowing the seeds I've taken
I'm sowing the seeds I take for granted

This thorn in my side
This thorn in my side is from the tree
This thorn in my side is from the tree I've planted

It tears me and I bleed
And I bleed

Caught under wheel's roll
I take the leech I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it
Caught under wheel's roll
The bleeding of me
Of me
The bleeding of me

Caught under wheel's roll
I take the leech I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it
Caught under wheel's roll
The bleeding of me
The bleeding of me

I am the beast that feeds the feast
I am the blood, I am release
Come make me pure
Bleed me a cure
I'm caught, I'm caught, I'm caught under

Caught under wheel's roll
I take thay leech I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it
The bleeding of me

Come on
Bleed me

I'm digging my way
I'm digging my way to something
I'm digging my way to something better

I'm pushing to stay
I'm pushing to stay with something
I'm pushing to stay with something better

With something better