I'm an Ex

I’m an ex. 

I’m talking about the relationship kind. I’m an ex, but maybe not as much of an ex as other people are. Still, I think of myself as an ex. A daughter of someone I consider an ex posted a meme the other day about how horrible exes are. I don’t want to repeat it, as I might not qualify to the extent that the ex was probably referring to. I mean, I never lived with another woman in a romantic relationship than my wife. In that regard, my experience is pretty limited. It wasn’t limited in my emotions though. There have been a few women that captured my heart at one time or another and, at least to me, that is the lasting part of my relationships. Like I said, I might not qualify in all regards.

In any case, the meme mentioned how bad exes are. For whatever reason, and most likely because of the person that posted it, it affected me a great deal. While I’m not completely dedicated to making sure other people always think the best of me, I am dedicated to trying not to be a jerk. There have been times where I failed completely at that endeavor, and I try to own up to those moments. 

There was a girl that used me to get back at her old boyfriend. She was nice otherwise I wouldn’t have dated her, but once I realized what was going on, I didn’t go out with her again. I told her that the situation she put me in then wasn’t acceptable and that I didn’t want to be part of it. As a boy of 18, it was a difficult thing to do because she practically threw herself at me, and all I wanted to do is talk about things. I didn’t consider myself mature enough to accept what she was offering. I also didn’t consider her to be long-term romantic material. 

I did break up with a girl in my freshman year of college. My first girlfriend, my first kiss. She reminded me too much of someone else, and I didn’t want to continue something that I was uncomfortable with.

There were other dates before my mission. I learned some things in my quest of non-jerkhood but unfortunately that was by experience. 

The girl I met before my mission broke up with me while I was out. I’m sure she has other recollections. I wasn’t in my right mind most of my time out there, and I felt the need to apologize much later for my ass-hattery. It was the worst time of my existence on this planet. When I spent some time comparing notes with her later, her recollections were quite different than mine. Again, the depression might have been the cause. I tried to hide it as much as I could. I lied about some things. I didn’t realize it until she mentioned them to me. It gave me pause, wondering if my entire life was going to turn out to be a lie. I know that might sound extreme, but I wrestled with my attitude a great deal, my feelings, and my own perception of them the past few years.

I picked up my stalker right after my mission. I wasn’t going to date right away after I returned. I didn’t quite know how screwed up I was. That didn’t keep the girls from asking and the next thing I knew, I was dating a girl I wasn’t all that attracted to. We did break up after she became a bit too intense for me. She threatened another girl I was seeing and that wasn’t acceptable. I’ve since come to understand what she might have been going through. If I was ever a jerk to any of the women I dated, that might have been it. I was rather upset. I’m not anymore, as understanding tends to replace anger.

I broke up with a girl when I started dating my wife (not wife at the time). I tried to be as nice as I could be as she was a wonderful girl that deserved the best from anyone that spent time with her.

When I saw the meme on my feed about how bad exes were, I felt a slight need to defend those that carry that label. We are all exes to someone if we ever were in a relationship with more than one person in our lives. I’m sure resentment plays a role with some of them and I realized that the lies I used to not upset others could have easily be turned around to be self-serving and disrespectful. Hell, I guess even mine were self-serving. I was struggling at my mission and successful men in that culture do not struggle. I lied to hide what a deeply flawed man I felt I was and the situation I found myself in.

Another woman countered my post and reiterated all exes are there for a reason and they are all ****. I deleted my post because I realized I couldn’t speak for everyone or even adequately account for my own struggles to find love and be respectful and honoring of the women I’ve known. That and I was more than aware of the men in some of the women’s lives that I know. Most don’t seem to even try to be respectful of their relationships. I found myself in an unenviable position defending those men, so I ducked and ran.

Yeah, a stupid meme sometimes leads me to re-evaluate my life, and try harder to be a kinder man to those in my life. Time will only tell if I’m successful.