Without Tracy

Tracy and I take separate vacations.

I don't know if I ever mentioned that before. It started when we adopted children. It was mostly an economic thing at the time. Adopting children is expensive and like many married couples, we have different interests. While Tracy wouldn't mind spending time at a Disney park every other year, my interest tend to be wilderness filled with granite mountains and lava. Kids on vacations can be time-consuming and taxing and both of us can be quite driven when we are out and about. Tracy builds schedules and lists that are hard to meet with kids in tow. I am a hard-driving, ADD-addled tourist that stops unexpectedly. My main activities are "I want to touch that rock" "I want to climb that" "I want to sit here for 10 hours and watch that crab walk across the beach". There is no motive to my travels other than see and do things I haven't done before.

It's Tracy's turn this time. She's out of town visiting family where she can feel free from the burdens of motherhood, and those are many, and doesn't have to have her guard up when she decides to tell them what a jerk I am. I get it. We sometimes need time away. I did earlier this year when I visited Oregon. My love of the West this time made me rethink much of my life. I'm sure my wife is getting tired of my epiphanies. Well, I don't think she'll be getting any epiphanies out in the stinking desert, but I'll give her that opportunity.

It is times like these when I realize.., well, not really. I'm always very aware and very appreciative of all that Tracy does. She runs this home. She pays the bills, makes the food, does most of the parenting. I know exactly how much she does. I do sometimes think about what I would have to do if she died, left me or decided I wasn't worth the trouble anymore. Would I be able to operate and run this house? I know that the kids adjust to my parenting style fairly well. I do things quite a bit different than the way she does. It really only comes out when she's gone for more than a few days. Otherwise, I mostly defer to her style.

I do the dishes regularly. The floors get swept. Homework is finished. Just this morning the garage was cleaned and swept, the bikes were put away for the winter and I did a workout at the gym. Not bad for finishing at 10:30 am. I think that is what drives the kids crazy the most. I'm a morning person. It also helps that the kids are getting older and don't complain about everything like they used to. About the only thing I got a complaint about from the three oldest was Ellie wanting to go on a road-trip with me. I might have to consider that. Bennet has a temper and if you look at him just the wrong way, he goes into a tantrum. I'm learning how to work with that.

There was a time a few years ago where I thought Tracy and I would have to separate. I felt I was being so disruptive to her and the family that I would have to exit, at least for some time, for us to get our stuff sorted out. I didn't know what I would do at that point. I did contemplate life without her. I wanted her to be happy and if I was blocking that, then I had to move aside if that is what was required. The thing is, separation and parenting requires rational adults. We had to play nice. If that is what was needed then, why couldn't it happen now? Separation would just compound the difficulties.

Things worked out. We both had to adjust to being married to different people than we started out with. We became much more verbal with each other, instead of just letting the unspoken similarities and familiarities between us rule the day. Some things were hard for each other to hear but we said them.

But we still take separate vacations. It isn't that we are having problems now. We have taken family vacations and some were epic. We did go to Hawaii for our 25th anniversary but it also required effort from family and friends in order for us to be away with each other. We got along pretty well. We still are the best of friends and want the other to be happy. For now though, until the kids start their own lives, I see separate vacations as being the norm. Our adventures were mighty and strong before the kids and will be after them.

As for you empty nester friends of ours, why the heck aren't you out having the times of your lives? Lord knows I would.