It Will Have an End

Well, maybe not "THE" truth, but the truth as I see it now.

I never intended to be an activist. I don't intend to now. I merely have opinions, and I'm getting rather sick of it.

My church, or maybe it should be called "The Church I Attended" (TCIA) made an announcement about its positions on homosexuals. I'm not really all that interested in that. I am interested in the stance it takes against their children. I think it is deplorable. I'll leave it to the reader to do some research and see why I might take that stance.

No, I want to talk about the divide it creates and thoughts that I have on the side. Some of these thoughts aren't that charitable and don't make me look very good. I think these show my own humanity. I don't really want to be vocal about my disagreement of TCIA and its policies. However, I have been fascinated with the process of my own life and why I made the decisions of my journey through it. I think I have a lot of that figured out. The past year has helped me make peace with most of who I am and what I have done to arrive where I am.

I have always been interested in church history. I found the early TCIA church history filled with fascinating things and new ideas. Some were great and uplifting. Others were completely disturbing, but I had made my decision so those conflicts were pushed off to the side. Considering that TCIA was consistently pointing to its own history for guildance, I felt safe studying it. It eventually lead to early Christian history which gave me an interest in patristics. That led to apologetics through some well-placed internet links, which led to other items in TCIA history. Some of that I was told not to read from TCIA, but I did. The first was the Nauvoo Expositor. That is the printing press that Joseph Smith destroyed and led eventually to his violent death. Why? I read it. It had the truth in it. The things that it accused Joseph of doing, he was doing. So, he didn't want it known. That is why he took offense and had the press destroyed.

I let that sit for a bit. Like years.

So, long story short, my conscience just couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of the lies and obfuscation from the institution that I had dedicated most of my life towards. That led to a lot of other problems personally. I've weathered them. My family has too.

In the interim, I have seen TCIA publish essays that disavowed its past leaders, its own scripture, and in some regards, the foundational teachings of Judaism and Christianity. It is quite entertaining, and that is the problem. I don't want it to be. There are people behind this. I've seen friends defend what I once defended. I don't  want to consider them as lacking empathy, but I also realise that I was there once. I thought those same things. On my mission, where my own sanity and well-being was being carved away, I had those thoughts, that TCIA could not do wrong; that I was to blame for my problems, not the church. That others that I gave my moral authority to knew better than I did. I was there. I was fully onboard.

Now I look at it and I know how harmful that was to me. All the rebuilding my wife and I had to do emotionally to claim our lives back and now I was looking at friends and seeing such a lack of empathy and disregard to others on this life's journey.

*sigh*.

At times I wish I didn't have opinions. I know that I've changed a great deal. I don't want to be that person who forgets what it is like to be a believer, and now look at them with the same disdain that I once viewed atheists. I can be better. I can be better than I was, than I am, being more moral, more empathetic.

I won't have the hubris that others I know have, that I have outgrown TCIA. I think lessons can be learned wherever in life a person exists. I have decided to try the wider waters than I used to sail. I know my reality isn't others'. I want to fully understand "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." and the message behind it (Even though Christ probably didn't say it.) I want to find truth, even if it is only my own.

Forgive me of my faults. I will forgive you for yours. Ultimately, I don't have any other choice. I don't want to walk this earth bitter to my own past and future while honoring only the present. At some point we may all meet our maker and I hope She isn't in a ticked-off mood. Maybe we'll only fall asleep never to know anything ever again. Either way, I want to live my life as I see it and I want you to live yours.