To Be Known

If you never tell anyone the truth about yourself, eventually you start to forget. The love, the heartbreak, the joy, the despair, the things I did that were good, the things I did that were shameful–if I kept them all inside, my memories of them would start to disappear. And then I would disappear. 

~Cassandra Clare, The City of Heavenly Fire

In a recent listen to a podcast that I enjoy, a psychologist spoke about transitions in our lives and our desire "to be known." I found that very insightful (at the 1 hour mark is that interview). I think much of the angst that I felt much of my life has been tied to that concept. Humans in our more intimate relationships what to be known. Yes, and with implied acceptance. I've hidden a lot of that from others because I was afraid of being known. I wanted to be accepted. This is a very common human condition, I believe.

I am a deep thinker. I'm very introspective, self-correcting and probably over-critical of my actions. I want deep romance, a poetic life, to be lost in someone. I'm not saying I'm any good at that, but it is what I want. I want that deep connection. I tend towards the depressive, romantic longing of poetry. I want to travel and see the world. Not the people side of the world, but the things of nature. I'm fascinated by lava, volcanoes, the sweep of an ocean wave. I can stare for hours at the push and pull of the tide and the flow of a river. I'm taken by the engineering of man. bridges, railroads and powerlines. Infrastructure isn't boring, it is part and parcel of being human.

I used to be seduced by religion but I've learned it can prey on my longing for understanding and acceptance. It hasn't been kind to parts of my thinking.

I'm not very good at some things. I'm a horrible handiman. I'm not given to tinker with things. I'm not excited about cars or motorcycles, but I love riding them, but mostly to get somewhere. My view of many things that men are fascinated with is purely utilitarian with me. I like sports, but can do without.

Learning a new program or way of doing something on a computer is exciting for me. I'm not any good with video games but I am enamored with the worlds the programmers create. It is my favorite view of art. And it is art.

I'm sure I'll reveal other parts of myself as time goes on. I'm feeling a bit of a shift in my thinking, my outlook on the world. I want to investigate it. I want to rip open the wrapper I encase myself in and let myself out. I don't think it will be too impressive, but I am looking to surprise myself. I think I'm still capable of doing that.