A friend posted this on her wall the other day and I had to comment on it. As you know, I have a thing now for writing out my frustrations, fears and general insecurities that I've had in my life. I find it extremely therapeutic as well as cleansing. As I've gotten older and wiser, at least that is the assumption, I've had to look back at my younger self and re-evaluate the events in my life and instead of looking at them as failures, look at them as a kid growing up making stupid mistakes, from my present point of view.
I didn't date in high school, if you don't consider that one awkward lunch with a girl from a lower grade that I was seriously crushing on. It was only after graduation that I got the nerve up to enter that endeavor. I simply didn't feel mature enough to take it on. I know I wanted a romance eventually, but that was all I knew. I found girls to be mysterious, other-worldly creatures that I found almost unapproachable. My first real date I took to a fancy restaurant, at least for me. I didn't know how to act or how to even talk to her very easily. And that was kind of stupid. I had spent an hour a day with this girl in high school talking to her about darn near everything and yet on this date, I fumbled my way through small conversation. I wanted to make grand gestures, for no real reason. I just felt that this is how it was supposed to happen. I had so little experience in the matter. I know later in the evening I discussed my concerns about going out West to college at a church school. The girls I knew at church were all a little "off" and I didn't have any desires to date any of them and now I was going to go to a school where there were thousands of them. Not only that, but cultural expectations were such that girls were told not to get serious with boys until they came back from a mission. That was four years away for me. I'm going to a school where girls were told not to date people like me, and I wasn't even sure if I would like them! How was I to handle this?
Nothing else happened with her aside from a follow-up date where I took her to our family farm. I remember bouncing around in the truck as I was going down an old logging road and looking over at her and seeing her smile. THAT was what I was looking for! A smile from a girl I was with was more of a drug than anything else I had experienced before. That smile I still see to this day. Granted, she was being thrown against the roof of the truck at the time, but her smile hit me at a very deep level. Some months later, while I was at school, I learned that she had a car accident. I sent her some flowers in an over the top gesture, mostly to get her attention. I was almost sure it wouldn't work. And it didn't. It was over the top. I had no doubts that she was steady dating elsewhere and who was I really?
I did date my first year in school too. Nothing that came to anything. Like I said, I was culturally a dead end. Because I was young when I graduated High School, I had two years before I started my mission and any girls that would want to become serious about relationships wouldn't be looking at me at all. One of the girls I dated was also my first kiss. I don't remember our time lasting too long because I just wasn't all that attracted to her and I broke it off. I also dated a local girl I had met in my calculus class (that I bombed, seriously bombed.) That was when I started to learn to write. I never asked her out while we were in class but I learned where she lived and I sent her a letter during the break, asking her out. That date was so awkward, as I really was so attracted to her that I couldn't put the brain in gear, that I was afraid to ask her out again. However, I did learn the value of notes.
I dated a bit during the break between my first and second year of school. At some point I became datable to the girls I had known in high school, so I went out a few times. Nothing serious. I really just wanted to earn money and get back to school. I was very focused now on my degree and getting this mission thing out of the way.
I met one of the most influential people in my life that second year of school. I fell for her so hard and so fast. I think I made every mistake in the book. I wanted to make those grand gestures but I didn't have money. I didn't have imagination, or even the bravery, to tell her how I felt. I felt consistently awkward, over my head, out of my league...etc. You get the idea. I did send her notes occasionally. The "Campus was my World" (BYU joke) so my options were limited. I do remember getting her a fake flower at Circle K when I visited her home during Christmas break. I wanted so much to show her what she meant to me but I had such limited options. And I was stupid. Did I mention that I was stupid? I do remember her smile. I could make her laugh and her smile is still imprinted on my memory, but God knows why she hung around me.
Then Hell happened to me. It hit in the form of a mission and a horrible class.
She married before I got back from my mission.
My last year of my mission I realized that even if I had no resources, I could still be a good date. I put a lot of time into thinking about how I would approach dating when I got back to school. I built my confidence back up. I learned the value, and pitfalls, of the written word. It would be the small gestures that I would use, because those I could do, those I could pull off.
While I dated as much as I could, I also tried my best to become at ease with girls. I calmed myself down and tried to interact at a human level. I used my sense of humor as much as I could. I tried to be as honest as I could about the things I was willing to share. I once boasted to my roommates that if I could get that first date, I could always get a second. Still, I didn't find anyone to pull out all the stops with.
Then I started dating a girl from work. I would leave her notes/single flowers along the floors she cleaned. My dates with her were imaginative and relaxed. Things were where I wanted them to be. I was straightforward, honest, caring and attentive. This was how it should be. This was how to romance someone.
Then I started dating Tracy. Yeah, I dated more than one girl at a time. I was dating three girls at the same time, but Tracy narrowed that eventually down to two. I left her notes, flowers, all the things I thought might get her attention. I was very nervous around her so I probably made a lot of mistakes too. Most of her indications were that she wasn't really interested in me. In a fateful night, I determined that I wasn't going to ask her out any longer. She made me too nervous and I wasn't going to put any more energy into someone that clearly wasn't interested in me. I would continue to date Lisa and see where that goes, because she definitely enjoyed my presence.
Tracy came back to school after a trip home and brought me cookies. The rest happened kind of fast. During our engagement, we became friends and I finally relaxed around her. I still tried to pay attention to her in the little ways. Most of all, we were present for each other. My studies and work were hitting me pretty hard, not to mention her own endeavors, and quite honestly, dating took a lot out of me. Little attentive acts were all we could afford as we settled into building a life with each other.
I still have issues with gifts. I'm not all that good at it. I'm not sure if they mean as much to Tracy either. We discuss almost everything. We aren't strangers to each other. We are quite independent in much of our lives and aren't afraid to discuss what we need from each other.
As I try now to build long-lost friendships, become more attentive to my friends and family, I find it is the small acts that endear ourselves to each other. A foot rub or an opened door can mean a lot to a person. As I still am in love with the written word, a quote or poem to those I know can express my feelings to them. I might struggle to keep my notes short to some, but just a quick Hi! or a photo of something that interests you can mean something, Even if it doesn't mean something to them, it might mean something to you and that is important too.
I find it perplexing sometimes that a quote, or meme can translate into long, meandering posts, but that is how I am. And frankly, I think I'm a pretty good person.
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