This Town

The song is This Town by Niall Horan.

The lyrics are following, along with my issues with it. I think some of this has to do with the guy's age. I mean, I come at things with decades of dysfunction. Poetry means a lot to me, and the romantic poetry hits the hardest to me because I know and understand the emotions behind it. I suffered a lot internally as a teen. I know that I'm not alone in that sense. Youth sucks in a lot of ways.

Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there
The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air
It's hard
Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running round
It's funny how things never change in this old town
So far from the stars

I'm not sure what the context of this is. I'm assuming this is talking about a former live-in love interest. The breakup was recent? That would make more sense to me if the perfume is still stuck in the air, or perhaps he hasn't washed the bedding in forever. What gets me is the phrase "funny how things never change in this old town." What? You are expressing a big change, at least to you. What are you talking about? I thought I had a good take on the time frame, and you throw that line in....seriously, aside from the rhyme, what does this phrase have to do with the previous lines?

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

Alright. back to something I can relate to again. I know this feeling well. Like I mentioned, youth sucks. It gets in your way and that damned need of acceptance, the false bravado, has bitten me in the past. How long I've had to think about how to not make the same mistakes I've made in the past. It was a full time job for me at one time. It took some time for me to open up, to actually be able to express my feelings. Heck, I can't even say that I've come to that point yet. Some feelings can be destructive. For years, I've had feelings that I didn't know what to do with. Still don't. I've had to just let them sit there. I still love all the same people I've always loved. I still like the ones I've always liked. I don't know what to do with some of those feelings. If I express them, would that make them more or less real? Would they do any damage? Perhaps they are fine being where they are. 


If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

I don't understand that top line. I've only been in one relationship where I didn't want the world to know what was going on. I knew that was not being fair to either of us and I had to end it. It also turned out to be a bit messy. Otherwise, I've never had any issues with anyone seeing who I was dancing with. I'm assuming that this breakup, the one in the song, was probably initiated by the other party. So, why would you have a problem with anyone seeing who you are dancing with? Love is best in the open. You are proud of the other person in the relationship. You want the world to know that you love this person. The world doesn't care, but that is another matter.

And I do understand the driving part. I have friends that I would "do anything" for. I put that in quotes because in my life I've had to qualify a lot of things. Sometimes it just isn't possible, or it would be a situation that would be emotionally damaging. In some ways, I wouldn't know what to do. You've seen on TV, or perhaps have first-hand experiences, where you don't know what to do with your hands, for example. Everything just seems awkward. I have that feeling all the time. I don't know what to do with a situation. I don't know what to do with these feelings. The introvert in me sometimes wins. It isn't something that I'm particularly proud of.

I saw that you moved on with someone new
In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you
It's so hard
So hard

Yeah. That. I don't know if I would find different haunts if I began dating someone new. I knew that at times I was dating a few women at a time and I didn't want to meet certain people when out and about. It happened once. I was out with one girl and a mutual friend with Tracy saw me. That was awkward, but I also wasn't exclusive with anyone at the time. (And Tracy didn't appear to be all that interested in me either.) I do get how hard it is. Yep. You have to dig deep and find that adult in you and push through the feelings.

I have friends that have been divorced. I admit I have a morbid fascination because I don't know how I would react to such an event in my own life. I mean, I am interested in people's relationships and how people make them work anyway. I think this is in my life because I had to figure out a lot of things being in an awkward situation, but also having to figure it out alone. Being in the midst of life, not sequestered like I was, and having something like that happen is fascinating to me. I like to know how strong, or weak, people are and what they found out about themselves. 

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

As if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

I understand the butterflies, but I think that is a byproduct of love and adoration anyway. I've heard it expressed like this or something along the lines that you should be in a relationship where the other person terrifies you a bit. I think this isn't the current definition of "terrify". The current usage is more negative than it used to be.

And I know that it's wrong
That I can't move on
But there's something about you

I think that this is a key verse. I like this. And I know "moving on" means different things to different people. If this is a recent breakup then moving on is something very different than something decades removed. Moving on in this sense might be just collecting yourself and working this out. At the time, things look hopeless but they do change. How people deal with that is individual. I always vowed to do better. to not make those mistakes again, to be forward-looking. I can't do much about the feelings I have, and I don't want them to fester or have them turn negative. I know people have always viewed me as rather gruff and grumpy. I don't think that is how I think in my own mind. I'm very internally focused and I don't want to jeopardize relationships around me intentionally. Thing is, that gets in my way too.

As to being wrong, I don't know. Don't be a stalker. Don't live in the past to the detriment of your future. Accept your feelings. If you need to express them, then find a safe way to do it. If you don't know a safe way to do it, find a trusting friend and ask. Really. This kind of thing is better with human interaction. Lots of it. The natural response is to withdraw, but that isn't what most people need. I didn't need it in the past, but I was in a particular situation and I had to figure a lot out myself. I kept a lot inside, in a lot of ways with Tracy too. It is just better to talk it out. Even if you can't find the words to express them. I know that a lot of the time I came off as a jerk and yet Tracy was there to still work with me. Friends do that, and sometimes that is what you need. In my worst of times, I didn't need Tracy, my lover, I needed Tracy, my confidant. And that I think is how I worked through a lot of my thoughts and feelings, and why I write them down now. 

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Everything comes back to you

What Kind of Witchery Is This?

I literally didn’t want anything this Christmas. I still have Google Music (under the family plan so everyone in the fam gets it as well as commercial-free YouTube) and I purchased ESPN/Sports package so I could watch my fall sports (which I canceled last week.) I’m drowning in stuff so I didn’t want anything. Besides, I have my obsessions that I indulged for many years and I’m now trying to use/purge. My wife and kids still have other ideas, and if nothing else, I have to chuckle at what they did get me.

“What kind of witchery is this?” was my response when I stumbled upon something on YouTube. I had to ask Tracy what it was. “That’s a Bath Bomb.” I had to watch it a couple of times just to understand what I was seeing. It seems most of the female gender knows more about it than I do practically, but I am interested in the chemical makeup, the feeling as it dissolves in one’s hand. Madsen gifted me a couple of those.

“Here Dad.” Was Bennet’s comment when he placed a heavy box on my lap. He just handed me a gift-wrapped case of Diet Dr. Pepper. “We know how important that is to you.” was Tracy’s remark when I unwrapped it.

“I hope you like them, Dad.” Ellie smiled. I had just unwrapped 4 LED bulbs. I’m honestly not sure where that obsession came from or if it even qualifies. I like going to the bulb section of Home Depot. I rarely buy anything though. I have a collection of bulbs, I must admit. I have a lot of 100W incandescents that I bought before you couldn’t buy them as the 100W fluorescents sucked at the time. The LEDs are much nicer so I miscalculated that need. (We only have one fixture that uses them, the garage.) I have a lot of other CFLs because I found some screaming deals on them and we were going through them pretty quickly. I still am not sure if they last longer than incandescents. Anyway, Ellie picked up on that and now I have 4 more LEDs.

Tracy gave me a board game that I’ve been looking at for many months, Tiny Epic Galaxies. They’ve come down in price too so it was a very good choice. And she also fed into my writing implement obsession buying me a box of Pilot pens. I loved that brand back in college. My favorite pencil is also a Pilot but I know they don’t have that particular kind any longer. Still, the old box of 12 that must have been moldering away on a shelf for the last 30 years or so is appreciated. (I carry 2 that I picked up in college in my backpack.)

Not a super haul, but at least I’m understood by my family. I guess that is more important than things anyway.

My Gift Anxiety

I have gift anxiety. It really didn’t come to the forefront until I started dating. The realization that I could never find a gift to represent my feelings, or the feeling of inadequacy because I wasn’t inventive enough to find the perfect gift is a special kind of hell. It wasn’t until after I married Tracy that it came to the forefront and there were lessons involved for both of us. I needed to be more verbal in my feelings of anxiety, to quash the fears that I had. Tracy was more than understanding. It wasn’t that I was trying to get out of a relationship requirement, but I have misread people in the past and I was just then becoming aware of how badly I had misread my own issues. I am a very emotional person, and a gift, a thing that I could hold in my hand, was never going to be enough.

I mentioned this to Tracy last night. Our daughter was out with friends and after many hours at the mall, just got around to asking her Mother, “Mom, what do you want for Christmas?” It is kind of frustrating to have a daughter that waits always for the last minute, but I’m not one to complain too much either. I waited until the last week myself.

After smiling and sighing in frustration, I told Tracy, “I want to tell you how much I appreciate you letting me know what you want. It does make it all so much easier.”

“Not a problem.” She replied, “You let me know all year long how much you love me. I don’t need something one time a year.”

I think that is what makes this time of year tolerable for me. Otherwise, if I thought my life was only appreciated because of my ability to find the perfect present, it would crush me. And yes, while it is an irrational fear, it has that significance for me. Instead, Tracy and I have learned to work around our anxieties. If she wants something, she gets it herself. I rarely complain. Well, almost rarely. I have other anxieties that I have to quash too. I get stuff too, but I also deny a lot of impulses of mine also. I can be selfish. And I have to realize that sometimes that’s allowed.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have my moments. Tracy did want me to mention about a waffle iron I once bought her for Christmas. I don’t like waffles but it was a big part of her growing up. She claims it was the most romantic thing I ever got her. I am not sure what to do with that information.  

I also found a few pieces of jewelry that she liked. It wasn’t diamonds or precious stones, but it did say that I paid attention to what she was into. I don’t know if they lasted all that long. Considering that we have the understanding that we can get what we want ourselves, it is usually the small things that are left over. I just wish that realization, that it doesn’t matter, could burrow through the anxiety I have that it is never enough.

My kids are better at it than I am too. At least, being adopted, they didn’t pick up that gene from me. While going through a store, Madsen looked down, picked up something and said, “Mom will like this.” I had to chuckle because yes, she would like it. I’m glad he was able to find a trinket like that and know that this would be enough to make his mother happy. (We are trying to make Christmas a much more quiet, subdued affair.) 

South Elgin Winter Wonderland Concert - Wind Ensemble

An American Fanfare - Rick Kerby

Let Freedom Sing (soloist David Larsen) - arr. John Moss

A Festival Prelude - Alfred Reed

Prelude, Sicilano and Rondo - Malcolm Arnold

Christmas Music for Winds - arr. John Cacavas

Sleigh Ride

Tapping the Can

I came across a YouTube video this morning that sparked a memory. It was an experiment to determine if tapping the top of a soda can reduce the bubbles and foam when you open a shaken can. It was something my girlfriend at BYU used to do and was something that I picked up later. Did I think it reduced bubbles? No, not really. It became more of an homage to a time in my life, as a lot of my quirks and obsessions started around the same time. In any case, it brought a particular incident to mind.

I’ve already written about my depression on my mission. I didn’t even know it was depression until about 7 years ago. In any case, my depression and desperation for acceptance led me to my being a first-class tool. It led to the person I trusted and cared for the most to tell me to never contact her again. I promised if only to myself, to respect that request. I can’t say I kept that promise, but at the time I did. This led to a self-loathing and realization that I had become someone I despised. After establishing that, I had to ditch the personality that I had fostered the past year and that the culture of the mission and the church, in general, had to get out of my sphere of personal influence, not easy to do on a mission. I purged. I mean, I decided to only focus on my upcoming return to school and rebuild my personality into something that I could be happy with. I never wanted to be such an ass ever again.

So where does that tapping of a can of soda come into this story? It will. Patience.

When you wipe out a lot of your own self and ignore aspects of what is going on around you, you have to fill it with something else. I had a companion that would listen to me. I don’t think he particularly liked me, but he at least would listen. I feel sorry for the guy now, as I was sad almost all the time. Even then, it was an emotion that I didn’t want to have. Anyway, I remember driving once with him and my arm was out the window playing with the airstream. He abruptly stopped the car, pointed at me and said forcefully, “Stop it! You’ve been copying all my mannerisms for the past couple of weeks and it is driving me crazy. You want to be you. You have no right to be me!” I remember being shocked, looking down at my hands with the realization that I was doing that. OK. So I was now aware that I had something else to watch for. I apologized. I pledged that I would do better. 

I’m not sure how much longer that companion was with me. I know he allowed me a wide berth as I tried to find out who I should be again. I know the self-imposed isolation that a mission puts on missionaries was driving me crazy. I was an introvert, true, but I couldn’t deal with such isolation and I did the first thing that got me a reputation to being a rebel; I subscribed to a newspaper. I only kept it a few months, but it did remind me of something about myself. When I was in Boston, I would listen to NPR occasionally, just because I needed a connection to the world. In New York, I joined a scientific book club because I needed intellectual stimulation. In CT, there was a large group of nannies that worked there and it did me so much good to talk to people, girls even, my age. By the time I left to go back to school, I had re-organized myself so I could be normal again, a person that I wanted to be. I was still weird  (and Tracy can verify), but at least I overcame the worst time in my life.

And I decided to tap the top of my soda cans as a reminder that I can choose to be who I want to be, down to the mannerisms I carry with me, even if I borrowed them.

Note: I want to state that I don't post these for anything other than my own cathartic processes. I have not talked about this most of my life and I want to be a fairly open person. I don't do this to embarrass anyone or for any other reason other than to give some things words. What I wanted to share with this post was my interaction with my companion, and how my actions at the time upset him, and what I took away from it.

The bad part of being the most influential time of your life doesn't necessarily mean it was pleasurable. It goes against the accepted narrative. It isn't something that you might choose for yourself.

Respect

I have been watching with some dispassionate interest all the outing of the sexual harassers in Hollywood. Mind you, the only reason we are seeing this is due to the renown of these people. Who knows all the things that go on in areas where there is less visibility.

Look, I don't know what goes on in these men's minds to make them think this is all okay. To say that I can't even put myself in that place that they inhabit is an understatement. I'm not perfect, not by any stretch. I have a sordid imagination. In reality though, I have enough trouble making friends with the opposite sex, let alone any of that nonsense. I generally don't care who does what with whom. But I do know that those things have to be negotiated. It can't be assumed, especially any kind of sexual activity. I've mentioned that I tend towards more of a radical consent model. Don't do anything unless that other person or persons know exactly what you want to do. Simple. Awkward probably, but it is something that shows you respect the other person. Even if surprise is to be an element of the relationship, that needs to be discussed.

Seriously. Louis CK getting naked and masturbating. That's all fine and good if that was agreed to, but to do that without any, um, foreplay. I can't imagine how horrible of a position that puts the other person in. Plus, while I can only take so much of the guy, I thought he at least understood some of the boundaries between men and women. Evidently not.

And the stories I get from women and what some men send them. The "dick pics" need to stop. First, it is objectively the ugliest part of a man but secondly, shows a narcissism that, I would think, is a completely undesirable trait. If you want to send nudes to each other, fine. I honestly don't care if that is something you are into, but that kind of thing has to be consented to.

I swear, I think about all the things mankind has accomplished and how far we've come in many aspects of society, and then this stuff happens. Have we not left the trees behind? Millenia of evolution and we still have this nonsense.

Well, we still have wars, so maybe we haven't come as far as I would personally desire.

<I reserve the right to add and expound on this post at any time in the future. My levels of outrage change frequently.>

Ask Me

I’m not sure if this is a new subject for me. I know I’ve told others about it. Last night, I heard Tracy mention it to her brother. Of course, I want to add a few things.

Shortly after Tracy and I married, she had a concert that she wanted to go to. She left hints, suggestions, whatnot for me to get the tickets. I’m sure she was thinking I was dense. I’m sure I was. In any case, as time went on, she became frustrated with me and eventually it came to a fight. I am fuzzy on the details but I walked out, bought some tickets, came home and put them on the table. “Next time, ask me.”

(Tracy has a different perspective on this. "You mean I can ask for what I want? I don't have to hint or manipulate you?")

This was a lesson for both of us. My previous relationships usually had me struggling to be someone that would be interesting. I found I sucked at mindreading. I’ve always had a problem with feeling inadequate in those little things that a woman might expect. I’d do almost anything, but I was an idiot and didn’t know what those “anythings” were. Dating was a horrible stress for me.

When I came back from my mission, I was determined to not fall into that situation again. I had two miserable years of depression and I was done with it. Tracy was an independent person and was one of the things that attracted me to her. I must also add that when she displayed traces of dependency, I had my own little freak outs. (I don’t like the word, dependency, here but I’m not sure what else to say.) Before our wedding, her parents bought her some things in ZCMI and that really stressed me out. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that after we were married. Yes, it was a gift for her but it raised some issues with expectations. We worked it out.

And we worked out the tickets to the concert. We worked out a lot of things in our marriage. We knew we had different interests to the point of taking separate vacations. If she wanted to go somewhere, she would ask me if I wanted to go along or not and visa versa. It wasn’t a reflection of our interest to be together. We had translated that part of our “love-language.”

I mention this because she brought it up to her brother and I also brought it up due to one of my trips. I had met a friend and she showed me around her part of the country. Just talking with her gave me things to think about for years, and I was quite contemplative at the time. She probably thought I was upset. In any case, she was hungry and she hinted, even to a figurative hitting me in the head with a 2x4, that she wanted to eat at this particular place. It didn’t register with me. Remember, I’m an idiot. Never forget that. Burn it into your minds for the next couple of decades. In any case, she didn’t tell me, “Stop here. I want to eat here.” And what followed was a time of frustration for me. I haven’t had to negotiate that language with someone in a long time. I was amazed that I had become so dependent upon Tracy knowing how to interact with me. Sheesh, no wonder people who date later in life or after a partner has died or divorced have an awkward time with this relationship thing. All that stuff has to be renegotiated.

I try to please the people I’m with, and even if I try, there are still issues. I think my only saving grace is that I’m more open to talk about it now. Ask me if you want something, because I won’t know otherwise.

And remember, I’m an idiot.