CES Nonsense

Years ago when I was struggling with trying to understand my faith, I joined a group on Facebook with people that had similar issues. A whole bunch of people trying to come to grips with how they felt, what they had read or other experiences in their lives. One man in the group was also wondering on how to best understand his faith and had asked his father if he could ask him some questions. His father, IIRC, had determined that the questions were a bit more involved than he knew how to answer but he knew someone higher up in the Church Education System (CES) and if he could write up his questions, he would pass them on.

Thus the publication of the "CES Letter" was started. I didn't realize that I was witnessing something that would lead thousands out of the church.  As time went on, calls for references were made to substantiate the questions as well as any possible responses. The CES official never did respond to the letter, but it eventually was expanded and published and is freely available online for download. The author, Jeremy Runnels, was eventually excommunicated. His trial was covertly recorded and it and several other interviews are available on YouTube. He wanted others to know what asking uncomfortable but honest questions would lead to.

I've long since unsubscribed from that FB group. I do still have friends that I met there, but I no longer frequent those kinds of sites because my family has moved on. However, I was informed of this on a subreddit and I thought it was a great example of the kinds of people who leave the church and just how we treat each other generally.

What Do I Do Now?

EDIT: well, this blew up. I am blown away from all of the messages and comments that I have been receiving. They are filled with love and compassion. I wish I could message all of you back. Maybe I will another day. But for now, I have finals to study for. Also, I hold no grudges or ill-feelings to anybody that was involved in my post below. 

I've been wanting to post on here, but I just needed time to process all of the new information that i have received the past couple of weeks (which have felt like months).
I am one of the sons of the stake president that excommunicated Jeremy Runnels. So, I have a unique perspective that I would like to share with this community. First off, I love my dad with all of my heart and he and my mom have been my rock and support for all of my life. I had a great childhood, even though my dad was gone a lot of Tuesdays/Sundays for church meetings. I went on a mission, Temple Marriage, the whole enchilada. After I got home from my mission in 2014. I went away to go to college at a small college. I was at this college when the whole Jeremy thing was happening. So, what did they say about the church court?
Nothing, absolutely nothing. I didn't hear anything about this till months and months later. And even then, it was through my mother. who talked about it very briefly and with no details. She told me that my dad held a church court. It was on the news, and my dad was going through a really difficult and rough time. It weighed on him heavily the decisions he had to make. and the night of the church court, my mom went to stay with other family just to be safe. (The church also sent security or something to protect my dad) not clear so don't quote me on that. My mom later found that someone had spray painted a swastika underneath our backyard doormat. So that just solidified my belief in the church and how exmo's are bad people wanting to hurt the church.
But, why am I writing this post in 2019 and not back then when it was relevant? Well I got curious a couple months ago about why that excommunication happened. So, I googled my dad and the church. That sent me down down down the rabbit hole. I read news articles about the trial, I watched the video Jeremy released of his church court. I read all of the demeaning comments about my dad. I found this subreddit because it linked to Jeremy.
Then, I found the CES letter. Holy crap. I couldn't stop reading it. I would look at the sources, stay up all hours of the night just reading the letter. I then read Letter for my wife, Then the gospel topics essays. I couldn't believe it! I remember learning a little bit about polygamy and Joseph Smith and the peep stone. But, definitely not to this extent. I was devastated. Also, I found all of this during the last couple weeks of the fall sememster. So, whenever I wasn't working, going to school or studying, I was glued to finding more Information.
I found John Dehlin and his Mormon Stories podcast and that has helped me so much. because he has just a loving approach to everybody and doesn't bash the church like a lot of posts on this subreddit do.
So, I came out to my wife and said I'm having trouble with my testimony. I gave her high level basics of what was going on. About my dad, the CES letter and the gospel topics essays. She said I shouldn't look at that stuff anymore. I let it go. And whenever I try and bring up something about the letter or anything controversial about the church. she says that she would rather be left in the dark.
I also tried to talk to close friends about my issues vaguely and they just changed the subject. So i left it. But, now I don't know who to talk to. I don't want to talk to my dad because I feel that it would crush him if one of his children fell away because of the actions of someone he excommunicated. and the rest of my family is so devout that I would like to think they would love me and talk me through this, but, I don't know if that would happen.
So, I'm having a faith crisis with nobody to talk to and crying in church because i'm still feeling all of the good the church does and provides but also cant deny facts. and ALL DURING FINALS WEEK. RIP my concentration.
I wrote this for two reasons.
just to get it off my chest and to put it all in words.
Just be nice to everybody. Everybody has their faults and mistakes. And many people that we criticize and demean within the church have families and loved ones that are devastated when they hear all of the bad and derogatory things they hear about them.
We don't win with fear and hatred, we win with love.

And who was the one I found at the top of the list of responses?

 Jeremy Runnells here. It's an understatement to say that I'm surprised to see this post. A friend texted me telling me about this just now.

First of all, thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing this. I know it takes a lot of courage and I applaud you.

I see your faith crisis (I prefer to instead refer it as "Discovering the Church's Truth Crisis") is just weeks old. I remember how disorienting and insane my early weeks were and what a shock it was to my system and model of the world. You have my compassion and sincere concern.

I agree with your post. I think your dad is a decent man at his core. He was caught in the middle of something that he was unprepared for and just couldn't process. I'm not surprised by your words that it weighed heavily on him as I believe it did. I met with him about a year before the court thing went down in 2016 and he offered to consult with his historian friends about the questions and wanted to help. He disappeared for about a year after that and I can only speculate that perhaps it was because it was too scary for him to go down that road so he just left it on the shelf.

I don't see your dad as the instigator. I see LDS, Inc. in Salt Lake as the instigator. The first time I heard back from your dad after that year of silence was in January 2016 when he called me. One of the first things he said was, "I need to hold a court on you." It wasn't "I'm going to hold a court" or "I've decided I'm going to hold a court"...it was "I need to...". What this told me was that there was an outside force putting pressure on him to do this and it fits with what I've seen in my interactions with him. I don't think he wanted to go after me but had no choice as he had to obey the Brethren.

I never wanted to hurt your dad and have never wished him ill. I'm sorry to hear about the hardship he and his wife went through and the whole swastika thing is outrageous and unacceptable.

You're not alone and you shouldn't feel alone. There are so many good people here and in this community who can help you through this. This includes myself and John Dehlin. If there's a good time to have a faith crisis, 2019 is it as there are so many excellent resources and wisdom. You've received a gift but it will take time to fully appreciate the gift. It's not going to look like a gift in the coming weeks and months but it's a gift.

Hang in there and keep your chin up. You've done nothing wrong. Keep asking questions and keep climbing. The mountain is hard to climb but it's gorgeous at the top.

I just think this is how people should support each other. People go through challenges. We need support.

Cheerleader

While I was watching the volleyball games this weekend, I was also trying to sort out some personal things. Tracy is going through some career issues and I was thinking about how to best support her. Then I went down that rabbit hole of how much this makes relationships work. What we really want is someone that will support us, be there when we need them. It isn’t just in the big things, like careers or moves or children. It is a lot of the small things. When I’m out on a motorcycle trip, Tracy can track me. She makes my motel reservations. When we had infants, we did all the parenting things as equally as we could. Tracy is working evenings now, so I have to do the chores those days that she usually does.

While I was thinking about this, I was sitting in front of 5 boys that were from the school on this side of the net. Whenever there was a point made they gestured their approval with the same gesture the referee made, a right arm pointing towards that team to show they scored a point. There was some slight approval smiles from the girls on the team. Right before my eyes was what I was trying to be to my wife, her cheerleader. Just like the song, but reversed. As the game went on, the boys’ gestures became more and more acrobatic. At each score, one of the boys tumbled or cartwheeled or shouted. With the increased support, the girls took more and more time looking at them and smiling broadly. I’m sure it felt good to get approval from classmates. Volleyball is sometimes forgotten, especially early on a Saturday morning.

So I’m gonna keep trying to be a good support for my wife. Also for my children. For my co-workers. I will do it because it is the right thing to do, and they are worth all the “cheering” they can get.

For My Next Trick

About 25 years ago, I became tired of sweating ALL. THE. TIME. The job in Chandler, AZ had dried up or was in the process of drying up and thoughts of moving were on my mind. I think it was on my mind more than Tracy's but so be it. We worked on updating my resume and looked online via Compuserve (remember that??) for any job that I might qualify for. I think I sent out 4 resumes. I got hits on two. One of the agencies told me that they were looking at me for a job at Motorola.

Motorola.

This was the company that I idolized during my college days. I used Apple Macs during my undergrad work and I did some programming on it. I fell in love with the processor. the 68k. It was so much easier to work with than the intel 8086 or later. Just a great piece of silicon. I had used the 6805 processor at my current work as well. It was just a great company. It was also ironic that I was surrounded by Motorola plants there in Phoenix, but the job was in Illinois. Didn't matter, I wanted out of Arizona.

I already had a trip ticketed to Chicago as we were traveling to Michigan to visit my parents. It just made sense to interview while I was there. So my parents travelled down to Chicago and I interviewed. I think it went well. I knew the chip. I was confident I could help the company. After the interview, my Dad wanted to get some Chicago pizza. I don't know what our thinking was, but we wound up stuck in downtown Elgin and while we were trying to get out of the traffic jam, I muttered, "If I do get the job, this is one place I won't live."

So eventually, we made our way back to Michigan. I think I received the offer soon after we arrived. I can't remember. I do know that Tracy and I went to Mackinaw Island and at one photo she shot, she told me to "Smile and say Motorola." I gave her about as good a smile as I ever gave.

So I came to work for Motorola, a company of about 175,000 employees. I was to debug a piece of equipment that had a particular bug for its entire life. In 3 months, after learning as much as I could about the operating system it used and going through the code, I found the bug. It was a memory leak. I got the job and was hired on as a Motorolan in April 1995.

I don't know how much I can show my gratitude for the opportunity to work for this company. While I worked, my wife received her master's degree at Northern Illinois University. Once she got her degree, Motorola put me through school for my Masters in Computer Engineering. My undergrad education was almost tailor-made for Motorola. My focus was on radio and my interests were on programming and computer design.  My masters was focused on what the company required of me at the time, programming and database work with transmission theory to keep me honest.

Then, after schooling, we built our family. Our first three children were adopted. We had built a home in all respects and Motorola provided financial support through repayment of our adoption fees. Those are not tiny, by the way.

Just like any experience, it wasn't without its ups and downs. I've sat in library parking lots in the middle of the night to fix issues when the library had the only internet connection within 30 miles. For almost 20 of these years, I couldn't take Monday's off. I've also been on-call most of these years. Redundancy has been sometimes lacking in my position. They even tracked me down in Guatemala when we were there adopting Madsen and Ellie. It has been interesting.

Having only worked for a start-up before Motorola, I don't know how much better or worse it would have been to work for another company of this size (we are now less than 20,000 I think). I can say that I have loved working here. I still enjoy my job, my coworkers, and the subject matter. It hasn't always been easy, but boy-howdy, I have really loved this job.

By the way, I hit 30,000 on the motorcycle this morning. I'm not proud of that number. The past years have been pretty busy during the summer and I really haven't gone much of anywhere since my eclipse trip in 2017. I really want to change that. In fact, I would have gone somewhere the past few days but, like so often, I'm on-call.

What the Heck Happened to Me?

When I went through my “faith crisis”, I had a lot to evaluate. In my journey down the rabbit hole of trying to find out what I had been a part of much of my life, I also spoke to a lot of other people that were going through the same thing. What better way to understand what I was experiencing than from people that had already made or were in the midst of the journey? I found a particular bent. They all seemed to be leaning left, politically. I was pretty conservative. However, with all my reading and listening to others, I hadn’t been listening to my conservative radio. My own life was much more interesting. Even then, I contemplated that the reason some of these left the church was due to them being liberal in such a conservative religion. No wonder they left. Cognitive Dissonance is a miserable thing to live with.

But, considering that I felt lied to most of my life about my most intimate beliefs, I wanted to know what else I might believe because of faulty information. I wanted to be ruled by evidence and not by desire. So I stopped listening to my right-wing radio. With listening to others and trying to make sense out of what was happening to me, I really felt empathy building. It was noticeable. I became much less of an island.

Holy Crap, I’m turning into a liberal! How the hell did that happen?

I guess empathy does that. I certainly didn’t "deserve" what happened to me. What about all those others that had things happen to them that they didn’t deserve?

I think I’m still conservative in some things. I still own guns, but I’m in favor of reasonable and realistic gun control. I think we should have a balanced budget, but I think our spending priorities are way out of whack.

Anyway, I am what I am. Sometimes I’m too much of it. Sometimes not enough.

I like listening to science and law programs. I realize now how skewed my old thinking is. I have a better understanding of how flawed our government is and some of those things really can’t be fixed. In other ways, our government is pretty good. I just wish we’d learn from other places, both good and bad. Our tendency for the concept of American Exceptionalism is overall damaging, just like religious exceptionalism blinds people to the suffering of others.

Oh well. I just wanted to say this.

I Go Places So You Don't Have To

I went to Site A, the location of the first nuclear reactor. The Red Gate Woods is where it is located. OK. I tried going twice. The first time was in May or June. The trail up the hill was so muddy that I had to go back home. I made sure to wait for a drier time.


The path from the parking lot was clearer. Still, it made me wonder how much they wanted people to see it.

It wasn't long before I hit the main path, somewhat paved. I also didn't realize before this that it was a popular mountain biker's park. So I started the trudge uphill.

Found It!

Anyway, I walked a lot farther than I expected. I thought it was a couple hundred feet. Nope.

I wanted to post this pic because this is what Illinois looked like before anyone got here. I have to hand it to the pioneers. It was hard traveling without roads.

So I found a marker.

Huh. There was a whole complex up here. No sign of it now. It was off to my right.

Well, that doesn't look right. But it was leading to where the little pointer on google maps was pointing too. Gotta do a tick-check after this.

After a bit, I returned and looked at the sign. I lifted up my right arm to see where it was guiding me, as that was a dead end. Oh, up the path a bit more....There it is.

I also saw this green pipe. I'm assuming it was a test hole so they can monitor the site.

After walking back down the hill and a tick-check, I went back home. No signs of the traffic jams I experienced on the way there. Kind a loopy with hunger though. I stopped at a Taco Bell. While munching a chalupa, I had an odd feeling of contentment. I need that feeling more. I haven't had many of them recently.

Bad Culture

I read something this morning from someone I greatly respect. I "friended" her on Facebook before I knew she was "kind of a big deal" in a certain community. I liked her profile picture (with her husband) and was in need of interesting people at the time.

Her Post

I want to readdress some of the things she mentions, and how it relates to my own experiences.

I always wanted to be with someone. I craved that physical and emotional intimacy that I felt I lacked in growing up. I'm from a very reserved family.

I didn't really date until I moved to Utah for school. I was much too self-conscious to open myself up to women that I grew up with. I wanted to rewrite myself, in any case. Moving to a different part of the country and in a different culture provided the opportunity. I was a mormon and while active members, we didn't really fit in well with those from the West.

I dated some girls my first year. One instance of asking a girl out did not go well, and I made note of what a screaming jerk I was and tried to make sure to never be like that again. I did a pretty good job of that too, for being a hormone-crazed guy, that is.

My second year went much better. I dated a strong-willed girl that wouldn't put up with any poor treatment. When I left on my mission, I became horribly depressed and I was among some very bad examples of Mormon culture for some time. My asshattery was epic. She'd had enough.

So the next year, my last on my mission, I divorced myself from the culture I was in and set boundaries. I developed myself because I still wanted to be with someone. I didn't want to be a jerk.  Some would say that the two years of your mission are the "best two years of your life." I didn't have that experience. My first year of my mission was the worst I'd lived up to that point and to this day. The last year of my mission and first year back at school were my best two years, mostly in spite of my mission instead of it. I focused like a laser to make sure not to let the entitled culture sink in. I wanted to be with someone to work on our goals, our lives together. I needed to build her up as much as she wanted my own success. I didn't want a help-meet. I wanted a partner in crime. I wanted someone to call me out on my BS so I could change for the better.

I think that is what happened. I dated a lot that year back. I made some wonderful memories. Some, ok, a bit troubling, but I've since come to understand it.

Tracy and I had to do a lot of comparing of notes. Things that we thought we knew about each other turned out to be wrong. I explained a lot of what my motivations were that I never mentioned before because I was ashamed of having fallen so far during my mission. She let me know the things she was taught growing up that explained not only her behavior but those I had dated in college.

BTW, I treasure forgiveness. I need to ask for it on the regular.

In any case, here is Lindsay's post. She changed it a bit from when I first read it, considering her audience and those she champions.

Every person I know who has grown up in or has a female body including other gender diverse individuals raised is the deeply patriarchy culture, is familiar with the feeling of misogyny. Whether they've ever given it a name or not, you can know it by the deep primal sense we get right in the center of our abdomen when we are around a man we know isn't safe. It's only now in my late 30's that I've learned to start paying attention to that feeling. I've become practiced at it as a form of survival.

In the work I do now, I am sometimes in dangerous situations. I have met so many isolated religious fundamentalist communities and sometimes that means I am dealing with men whose patriarchal beliefs are deeply dyed. And I know which men are not safe- because they are the ones that feel entitled to my time, energy, and adoration. They are men that believe I will marry them just because I am kind to everyone I meet and they fail to see me as anything other than a potential wife. I've been assaulted, sexually harassed, demeaned, stalked, disrespected, followed, and belittled. 

This is a fraction of my vitae so that you'll know that what I'm about to say is earned. I'm no stranger to men's anger. The deep rage some men have felt when I reject them. Or worse, the men who reject me because they both hate me and what I stand for and find themselves attracted to me. Those guys are the worst, the ones whose hate is broiling just below the surface. 

I am bothered I even have to say this, but I do. There are men in my life I love and trust. There are some men who have the moral courage to do their work, get therapy, look at their own stuff and work to fix it. Those are the men I keep close in my circles. Those are the men I refer to my friends for partners, or friendships, or work projects. These men exist and I've seen it. They are brave with vulnerability and strong with the muscles of empathy and curiosity. There are good men in this world. 

There are also men that have scared the daylights out of me. Men who hate me, men who have threatened me. In my experience and because my community is predominantly made up of them- it has been white men. I know the anger and rage of white men. Worse though, I know especially well their entitlement. 

I grew up with Mormon men who were promised to be gods. Can you understand how pernicious that is? To teach little boys they could have their own planets someday? That they could be the prophet of God's church? 

Because I'm a woman, I never had to experience that. Losing my literal belief in Mormonism was very difficult, but I never had to lose a universe. Not in the way Mormon men do. 

It doesn't matter so much that the men believe that they will get the universe someday. It's the issue that they were taught they were. It's a special kind of entitlement to believe the world and world and world was yours. Literal belief or not, the entitlement often remains. 

These are the men that believe they have the right to me. The right to others. The right to jobs, to money, to fame, to power, to love, to respect. They only have to earn it by being great, not by being good. 

When we talk about the rage of white men and wonder on its impact on the country, it doesn't matter to me if we tie it to a political issue or not. It exists. My life and the experiences of so many others are a testament to that. Our gut, our bruises, our trauma is the data. Our speaking it isn't an attack on men, it's just adding wholeness to the record. It's just the truth of it. 

Read the article I'm linking in comments that aligns with my thoughts.

 So there it is. She is admired by a lot of people. She does humaning better than I have/am and probably could.

BTW, the article link she mentions.

Why Are People So Hostile Towards President Trump?

A person asked the question, "Why are people so hostile towards President Donald Trump?"

Chris O'Leary:

Before you pass my answer off as “Another Liberal Snowflake” consider that
1.) I'm an independent centrist who has voted Republican way more often in my life than Democrat, and
2.) If you want to call someone who spent the entire decade of his 20’s serving in the Marine Corps a snowflake, I’d be ready to answer the question what did you do with your 20’s?

Why Liberals (And not-so liberals) are against President Trump.

A.) He lies. A LOT. Politifact rates 69% of the words he speaks as “Mostly False or worse” Only 17% of the things he says get a “Mostly True” or better rating. That is an absolutely unbelievable number. How he doesn’t speak more truth by mistake is beyond me. To put it in context, Obama’s rating was 26% mostly false or worse, and I had a problem with that. Many of Trump’s former business associates report that he has always been a compulsive liar, but now he’s the President of the United States, and that’s a problem. And this is a man who expects you to believe him when he points at other people and says “They’re lying”

B.) He’s an authoritarian populist, not a conservative. He advances regressive social policy while proposing to expand federal spending and federalist authority over states, both of which conservatives are supposed to hate.

C.) He pretends at Christianity to court the Religious Right but fails to live anything resembling a Christ-Like Life.

D.) His nationalist “America First” message effectively alienates us and removes us from our place as leaders in the international community.

E.) His ideas on “Keeping us safe” are all thinly veiled ideas to remove our freedoms, he is, after all, an authoritarian first. They also are simply bad ideas.

F.) He couldn’t pass a 3rd-grade civics exam. He doesn't’ know what he’s doing. He doesn't understand how international relations work, he doesn’t understand how federal state or local governments work, and every time someone tries to “Run it like a business” it’s a spectacular failure. See Colorado Springs’ recent history as an example. The Short, Unhappy Life of a Libertarian Paradise And that was a businessman with a MUCH better business track record than Trump. We are talking about a man who lost money owning a freaking gambling casino.

G.) He behaves unethicaly and always has. As a businessman, he constantly left in his wake unpaid contractors and invoices, litigation, broken promises, whatever he could get away with.

H.) He is damaging our relationships with our best international friends while kissing up to nations that do not have our best interests in mind. To his question “Wouldn't’ it be great to have better relations with Russia?” The answer is Yes. But it is RUSSIA who needs to earn that, who must stop doing the things that are damaging to that relationship, or we are simply weaker for it.

I.) He has never seen a shortcut he didn't like, and you can’t take shortcuts in government. “Nuclear Option, Remove the Filibuster, I’ll change the Constitution by Executive Order…Don…what happens when you remove the filibuster and the other side retakes the majority in the Senate? Suddenly want that filibuster back? What happens if you manage to change the Constitution by Executive Order and an Anti-2A President wins the next election?

J.) He behaves and has always behaved as an unabashed racist. Yes, I’ve seen your favorite meme that claims he was never accused of racism before the Democrats…Absolutely false. Donald Trump’s long history of racism, from the 1970s to 2019 See the Central Park 5, the lawsuits and fines resulting from his refusal to lease to black tenants, the 1992 lost appeal trying to overturn penalties for removing black dealers from tables, his remarks to the house native American affairs subcommittee in 1993. The man sees and treats racial groups of people as monoliths.

K.) He is systematically steamrolling regulations specifically designed to keep a disaster like the 2007 subprime mortgage crisis from happening again.

L.) He speaks and acts like a demagogue. He sees the Legislative and Judicial branches of government as inconveniences, blows up at criticism no matter how deserved and actively tries to countermand constitutional processes, not to mention attempts to blackmail and coerce people who are saying negative things about him

M.) His choices for top positions, with the exception of Gen. Mattis, who is a gem, have been horrendous. A secretary of Education without a resume that would get her hired as a small town grammar school principal, A secretary of Energy who didn't know the Department of Energy was responsible for nuclear reserves, an EPA head whose biggest accomplishments to date had been suing the EPA on multiple occasions, an FCC head who while working for Verizon actively lobbied to kill net neutrality, and an Attorney General who thinks pot is “nearly as bad as heroin” and asked Congress for permission to go after legal pot businesses in states where it is legal. (There goes that great Republican States rights rally cry again, right? *Crickets*) An Interim AG after Firing his First AG who’s appointment is probably unconstitutional.

N.) He denies scientific fact. Ever notice that the only people you hear denying climate change are politicians and lobbyists? 99% of actual scientists studying the issue agree that it’s real, man-made and caused by greenhouse gasses. Ever notice that every big disaster movie starts with a bunch of politicians in a room ignoring a scientist's warning?

0.) He does not have the temperament to lead this nation. He is Thin Skinned, childish, and a bully, never mind misogynistic, boorish, rude, and incapable of civil discourse.

P.) He still does not understand that the words he speaks, or tweets, are the official position of 1/3 of the US government, and so does not govern his words. He still thinks when he speaks it’s good ol’ Donald Trump. It’s not. It’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. You have probably spread a meme or two around talking about how no president’s every word has ever been dissected before…YES, THEY ALWAYS HAVE. It’s just that every other president in our lifetime has understood the importance of his words and took great care to govern his speech. Trump blurts out whatever comes to his mind then complains when people talk about what a dumb thing that was to say.

Q.) He’s unqualified. If you owned a small business and were looking for someone to manage it, and an unnamed resume came across your desk and you saw 6 bankruptcies, showing a man who had failed to make money running CASINOS, would you hire him? He is a very poor businessman. This is a man it has been estimated would have been worth $10 BILLION more if he’d just taken what his father had given him, invested it in Index Funds and left it alone.

R.) He is President. But he refuses to take a leadership position and understand that he is everyone’s President. Conservatives complain about liberals chanting “Not my President” while Trump himself behaves as if no one but his supporters matter.

S.) He’s a blatant hypocrite. He spent 8 years bitching Obama out for his family trips, or golfing, or any time he took for himself, and what does he do? He was already on his 20th golf outing in APRIL of his 1st year in office. He constantly rants about respect for the military, yet can’t be bothered to attend the 100th anniversary of Armistice Day because of a little rain. (And that excuse about Marine One not being able to fly in the rain is HILARIOUS.)

T.) He’s a misogynist. It's not really ok in this day and age to be a misogynist, but it’s not a huge deal if you’re a private citizen. It’s a pretty big deal if you hate half the people you’re elected to lead. The disdain for women seeps out of his …whatever…. and he just can’t hide it.

U.) Face it. In any other election “Grab 'em’ By the Pussy” would have been the end of that candidate’s chances. Back in the 90’s I used to marvel about how Teflon Bill Clinton was. I no longer do. The fact that he managed to slip by on that is as much a statement about how much people hate Hillary Clinton as it is about what is wrong with politics in this country right now.

V.) He has one response to a differing opinion. Attack. A good leader listens to criticism, to different points of view, is capable of self-reflection, tries to guide people to his point of view, and when necessary stands his ground and defends his convictions. Any of that sound like Trump? His default is not to Lead, its’ to attack. Scorched Earth. The Jim Acosta reaction is a good example. There was no defense of his convictions when Acosta was asking him repeated questions about his rhetoric on the caravan. His response was to attack Acosta.

W.) He takes credit for everything positive while deflecting blame for everything negative. Look at him with the Stock Market. He’s been bragging about it since day one, and to give credit where credit is due, speculation on coming deregulation early in his presidency did fuel some rapid growth, but to pretend that it’s all him, that we’re not in the 9th year of the longest bull market in history and THEN, when the standard market volatility that deregulation inevitably brings about starts to show up? Yeah. Look at yesterday. Hey! Stock Markets losing because the Democrats won! Do I need to bring out the Stock market chart for the last 10 Years again?

X.) He emboldens the worst among us. Counter-protesters are slammed into by a car while countering actual Nazi rally, and the response is there’s fault on “Both Sides” The media is at fault for a nut job sending them and Donald’s favorite targets pipe bombs. The truth is not all Republicans, not all Trump Supporters are racist, fascist lunatics. Many are just taken in by the bombastic personality and are living in an information bubble made worse by the fact that they unfollow anyone and ignore any source of information that makes them feel uncomfortable. People on the left do that too. The Biggest problem the right has right now is that the worst of the Right is the loudest and the most in your face, and the actual right, especially the Freaking PRESIDENT needs to be standing up and saying No. Those are not our values.

Y.) He seems to think the Constitution of The United States, the document that IS who we are, the document he took an oath to support and defend is some sort of inconvenience. He demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of Constitution, from believing he can alter the 14th through executive order, to thinking The free exercise clause in the first amendment somehow supersedes the establishment clause (not that he really understands either) or that the free exercise clause only applies to Christians. Or his attacks on freedom of expression and the press. He repeatedly makes it clear that if he’s read them, he does not understand Articles 1–3, and that’s something he really should have before he took the job, because they’re not going away.

Z.) I’ll use Z for something I do blame him for, but the rest of us have to carry the blame too. Polarization. This country is more politically polarized than I can remember in my lifetime. Some of you who are a few years older than I may remember how it was in the late 60’s when construction workers in New York were being applauded for beating up hippies, I think it’s pretty close to that right now, but that was before my time. And he is the cause of much of the current level polarization, but also the result. It didn't’ start with Trump. We’ve been going down this road I think since the eruption of the Tea Party in the early years of the Obama Administration. I do hope the tide turns before it gets much worse because the thing that scares me more than anything is what if that keeps going the way it has been? "

Political Racism

<political rant>
When I was 20, I was living in Boston. I was in a conversation with someone and I said a phrase that I had heard or said much of my life up to that point. Considering I was in this conversation with a charming black woman, my gray matter pushed out to me almost immediately how racist what I just said was. I did a lot of soul searching after that point, realizing how stupid racist remarks had made their way into my lexicon. This was the first environment where I wasn’t dealing with 99.8% white people. I had to learn to check my mouth because I didn’t want to be a jerk. It didn’t stop me from being one, I just didn’t want to be one.

So our president, in the given context, said an incredibly racist thing. Maybe he didn’t realize how bad it was, as he isn’t very self-aware. Heck, growing up, I said the same thing. (see above for my repentance.) Ok. Let’s give him a benefit of a doubt. It is still a completely un-American thing to say. We are a country of immigrants. We all came from somewhere else (even Native Americans). My own heritage is of German refugees. Our constitution has qualifications for serving in our government of the people. The women he criticized all qualified and were elected by their fellow Americans. The fact that they want the country to go in a different direction does not qualify for them for an “un-American” status. They can advocate for anything they want. Our constitution says they can. They can be communist, socialist, centrist, liberal, conservative, libertarian, anarchist or advocate for better social networks, tax-free corporations, nudist parks, Amish construction standards…any damned thing they want. This is America. They are doing fine where they are.

I sit at work with my team. Seven people, all from a different country than where they work. My manager is Indian. His manager is Chinese. Hers is Indian. I feel incredibly blessed to work with such a diverse and good set of people. My children are of three different races.  They are wonderful people and as American as I am.

Telling people to “go back where they came from” is entirely missing the point of this country. I wish our country’s motto would return to “E Pluribus Unum”, because we seem to forget that.

</political rant>

Invaded by Mormons

This won't be that insightful. It is just something that happened.

Tracy and I were in the living room yesterday. We weren't doing anything really, just watching TV. Someone knocked on the door. I didn't feel any need to answer. That is a skill I learned over the years. I am quite happy not engaging with people at times. Bennet, however, always on the prowl for his friend to come over and take him away from his mundane family, had to look out the window.

"I don't know who they are."

Dang it. That means Tracy will get up. I was hoping she hadn't heard their announcement of their presence. If it wasn't for the movement I saw through the window, I wouldn't have known anyone had knocked.

"Don't do it. And I don't want any." is my usual statement in situations like this.

Tracy looked out the window and walked back to her chair, "I don't want to talk with them."

"Why, who is it?"

"I don't know. Two guys with clipboards. I don't want to talk to anyone with a clipboard."

If I ever do see the clipboard and answer the door, my usual first sentence is, "Why didn't you honor the sign (pointing to the no soliciting sign) and not bother me?" Followed by "I won't buy anything from you because you didn't honor my wishes the first time." Yeah, I'm kinda harsh considering I spent two years knocking on doors for my religious mission. I guess I have sympathy for people doing it for their beliefs, but not for sales.

Hayden came in and asked, "Was our house invaded by Mormons?"

Tracy laughed and I looked at her and asked, "Is he self-aware at all?"

I just ruminated on it for a bit. If it wasn't for being triggered by my own PTSD with my mission, Hayden might have been doing his own invading. He was 18. That is the age they send missionaries out. Instead, he was enjoying his life, his car, and the freedom that being an adult brings.

Some missionaries had a great time. I didn't. As my own children were growing and as we were still members of the Mormon church, I didn't know how to bring that up with anyone as they neared the age when the church puts on the pressure to go on missions. It turns out, my faith crumbled away as Hayden turned 12 and eventually the church did things that drove the rest of the family away from it. It removed a lot of obligation from me to force the kids to attend something they clearly did not enjoy, as they told us later for confirmation. Aside from Hayden, they had never passed into the "belief" phase with church so they never had that sense of betrayal to deal with. Hayden never believed and was vocal about it, so I didn't have his entire teen years to try and push him to conformity. I say that knowing I wouldn't anyway. My parents didn't push me into religion, at least the level I let myself become involved, and I wouldn't push my own kids. My reasons for belief are complex and personal.

So my children don't have to invade other's homes. I'm okay with that. 

What the Actual....

I really don't have words strong enough.

What the Actual....

Just wanted to sell her phone.

#Feminism

I borrowed the title from John Oliver's "Last Week Tonight" broadcast on HBO. I don't really know what it means, but it sure is funny when it is mentioned.

I honestly don't know if I qualify as a "feminist" or not. I know I've held some beliefs, or rather, harbored opinions or maybe, understood other's justifications for sexist beliefs. I don't know if those opinions or understandings have ever made me biased against women at any point in my life.

When I was growing up, trying to figure things out, I noticed that in the animal kingdom, females of the species weren't less regarded than their male counterparts. In relation to the males, most females were just as feared and respected as other males. Really, would it matter if a female lion was gnawing on your leg vs a male lion? It would be equally horrid.

And I wanted female attention. I like being around them. In high school, I wasn't comfortable around women until my senior year. I really liked my senior year. In college, I realized how much I liked being around smart women. I loved making them smile. I relished the idea that I could make these smart women smile. That was a bit of an ego boost for me. I really didn't have anything to offer these girls, other than my company, my wit, and my presence. And I could make them smile, even laugh sometimes.

I also thought that most of these women were smarter than me. I wasn't very good at peopling. I looked up to them for being able to navigate life better than I could. I was jealous of them and their goals. I wanted to know what they planned with their lives. I still do.

So I've a wife of almost 30 years. I have a daughter that I want to excel in every way possible. I have a sister that I've always deeply respected. I have friends, coworkers that are female, women of outstanding character. I want them all to achieve what they want to, regardless of our society's predilection to deny them freedom of action and voice.

I came across Cracked's podcast this morning, The Bizarre Hassles Women Face in a World Designed for Men. Interesting.

John Oliver's International Women's Day take.

One Example of What is Wrong

I take some medicine to help with my blood sugar and some of the effect of it. One of them is a statin to reduce my cholesterol. Not that there was much wrong with it, but type 2 tends to lead to higher cholesterol. Not a biggie.

Last time I got my prescriptions renewed, I looked at the label the pharmacy gave me. This gave me pause. It is wrong. It is wrong on so many levels. First, I know this is something either the pharmacy or the insurance dictates they put on the label. It is a form of positive feedback to make me think I'm not shoveling money to the company to null effect. Look at how expensive this medication is listed for. $665.89. That's outrageous. First, if I had to pay that out of pocket, guess who isn't getting that medicine? It isn't necessary for me to live. It just lowers a number that might have an effect on my quality or length of life. Maybe. Then the label tells me that the insurance company saved me almost $660. Look how important they are!

You know what the medicine is worth? That $6.48 at the end there. That is what everyone should be paying because that is the real cost of the drug. Most of what we pay the insurance for is to force the providers to give us actual market prices. My favorite example is that a hospital charged us $3000. The insurance said, "No, it is worth $300." We, in turn had to pay out of pocket about $60. Insurance will say that they saved us almost $2940 when really they "saved" us about $240, and that pales in relation to the $$ we and my employer pay to the insurance company each year.

Obama and the dems gave us a republican plan to try to inject the market into health care. They didn't. We still have the gatekeepers controlling the market allowing high prices to still exist. The market of healthcare in this country still doesn't exist. I've only seen a few proposals to actually let market forces work in healthcare. Most are still keeping artificial prices into the scheme. Should government be involved? I don't know. I know what we have is broken. It's been broken for a long time. I think we should rethink a lot of things. 

You Voted For Trump

You voted for Trump because Clinton was going to be in Wall Street's pocket. Trump wants to repeal Dodd-Frank and eliminate the Fiduciary Rule, letting Wall Street return to its pre-2008 ways.

You voted for Trump because of Clinton's emails. The Trump administration is running its own private email server.

You voted for Trump because you thought the Clinton Foundation was "pay for play." Trump has refused to wall off his businesses from his administration, and personally profits from payments from foreign governments.

You voted for Trump because of Clinton's role in Benghazi. Trump ordered the Yemen raid without adequate intel, and tweeted about "FAKE NEWS" while Americans died as a result of his carelessness.

You voted for Trump because Clinton didn't care about "the little guy." Trump's cabinet is full of billionaires, and he took away your health insurance so he could give them a multi-million-dollar tax break.

You voted for Trump because he was going to build a wall and Mexico was going to pay for it. American consumers will pay for the wall via import tariffs.

You voted for Trump because Clinton was going to get us into a war. Trump has provoked our enemies, alienated our allies, and given ISIS a decade's worth of recruiting material.

You voted for Trump because Clinton didn't have the stamina to do the job. Trump hung up on the Australian Prime Minister during a 5pm phone call because "it was at the end of a long day and he was tired and fatigue was setting in."

You voted for Trump because foreign leaders wouldn't "respect" Clinton. Foreign leaders, both friendly and hostile, are openly mocking Trump.

You voted for Trump because Clinton lies and "he tells it like it is." Trump and his administration lie with a regularity and brazenness that can only be described as shocking.

Let's be honest about what really happened.

The reality is that you voted for Trump because you got conned. Trump is a grifter and the American people were the mark. Now that you know the score, quit insisting the con-man is on your side.

https://www.facebook.com/18468761129/posts/10156903323026130/

I Will Love You

I will love you with no regard to the actions of our enemies or the jealousies of actors.

I will love you with no regard to the outrage of certain parents or the boredom of certain friends.

I will love you no matter what is served in the world’s cafeterias or what game is played at each and every recess.

I will love you no matter how many fire drills we are all forced to endure, and no matter what is drawn upon the blackboard in a blurring, boring chalk.

I will love you no matter how many mistakes I make when trying to reduce fractions, and no matter how difficult it is to memorize the periodic table.

I will love you no matter what your locker combination was, or how you decided to spend your time during study hall.

I will love you no matter how your soccer team performed in the tournament or how many stains I received on my cheerleading uniform.

I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.

I will love you if you cut your hair and I will love you if you cut the hair of others.

I will love you if you abandon your baticeering, and I will love you if you retire from the theater to take up some other, less dangerous occupation.

I will love you if you drop your raincoat on the floor instead of hanging it up and I will love you if you betray your father.

I will love you even if you announce that the poetry of Edgar Guest is the best in the world and even if you announce that the work of Zilpha Keatley Snyder is unbearably tedious.

I will love you if you abandon the theremin and take up the harmonica and I will love you if you donate your marmosets to the zoo and your tree frogs to M.

I will love you as the starfish loves a coral reef and as kudzu loves trees, even if the oceans turn to sawdust and the trees fall in the forest without anyone around to hear them.

I will love you as the pesto loves the fetuccini and as the horseradish loves the miyagi, as the tempura loves the ikura and the pepperoni loves the pizza.

I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce and as the dark spot loves the leopard, as the leech loves the ankle of a wader and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture.

I will love you as the doctor loves his sickest patient and a lake loves its thirstiest swimmer.

I will love you as the beard loves the chin, and the crumbs love the beard, and the damp napkin loves the crumbs, and the precious document loves the dampness in the napkin, and the squinting eye of the reader loves the smudged print of the document, and the tears of sadness love the squinting eye as it misreads what is written.

I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat, and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.

I will love you as a child loves to overhear the conversations of its parents, and the parents love the sound of their own arguing voices, and as the pen loves to write down the words these voices utter in a notebook for safekeeping.

I will love you as a shingle loves falling off a house on a windy day and striking a grumpy person across the chin, and as an oven loves malfunctioning in the middle of roasting a turkey.

I will love you as an airplane loves to fall from a clear blue sky and as an escalator loves to entangle expensive scarves in its mechanisms.

I will love you as a wet paper towel loves to be crumpled into a ball and thrown at a bathroom ceiling and an eraser loves to leave dust in the hairdos of the people who talk too much.

I will love you as a cufflink loves to drop from its shirt and explore the party for itself and as a pair of white gloves loves to slip delicately into the punchbowl.

I will love you as a taxi loves the muddy splash of a puddle and as a library loves the patient tick of a clock.

 I will love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes.

I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong.

I will love you as a battlefield loves young men and as peppermints love your allergies, and I will love you as the banana peel loves the shoe of a man who was just struck by a shingle falling off a house.

I will love you as a volunteer fire department loves rushing into burning buildings and as burning buildings love to chase them back out, and as a parachute loves to leave a blimp and as a blimp operator loves to chase after it.

I will love you as a dagger loves a certain person’s back, and as a certain person loves to wear daggerproof tunics, and as a daggerproof tunic loves to go to a certain dry cleaning facility, and how a certain employee of a dry cleaning facility loves to stay up late with a pair of binoculars, watching a dagger factory for hours in the hopes of catching a burglar, and as a burglar loves sneaking up behind people with binoculars, suddenly realizing that she has left her dagger at home.

I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a glass of brandy to calm their nerves, and as a glass of brandy loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of glass shattering loves to make someone else gasp, and as someone else gasping loves a nearby desk to lean against, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and reveal a secret compartment.

I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world.

I will love you until all the codes and hearts have been broken and until every anagram and egg has been unscrambled.

I will love you until every fire is extinguished and until every home is rebuilt form the handsomest and most susceptible of woods, and until every criminal is handcuffed by the laziest of policemen.

I will love you until M. hates snakes and J. hates grammar, and I will love you until C. realizes S. is not worthy of his love and N. realizes he is not worthy of the V.

I will love you until the bird hates a nest and the worm hates an apple, and until the apple hates a tree and the tree hates a nest, and until a bird hates a tree and an apple hates a nest, although honestly I cannot imagine that last occurrence no matter how hard I try.

I will love you as we grow older, which has just happened, and has happened again, and happened several days ago, continuously, and then several years before that, and will continue to happen as the spinning hands of every clock and the flipping pages of every calendar mark the passage of time, except for the clocks that people have forgotten to wind and the calendars that people have forgotten to place in a highly visible area.

I will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close that we could slip the curved straw, and the long, slender spoon, between our lips and fingers respectively.

I will love you until the chances of us running into one another slip from skim to zero, and until your face is fogged by distant memory, and your memory faced by distant fog, and your fog memorized by a distant face, and your distance distanced by the memorized memory of a foggy fog.

I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, no matter where you avoid and who you don’t see, and no matter who sees you avoiding where you go.

I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this, and no matter how I am discovered after what happens to me happens to me as I am discovering this.

I will love you if you don’t marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else – your co-star, perhaps, or Y., or even O., or anyone Z. through A., even R. although sadly I believe it will be quite some time before two women can be allowed to marry – and I will love you if you have a child, and I will love you if you have two children, or three children, or even more, although I personally think three is plenty, and I will love you if you never marry at all, and never have children, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all, and I must say that on late, cold nights I prefer this scenario out of all the scenarios I have mentioned.

That, Beatrice, is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.

--Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

This Hopeless, Vicious Buffoon

"In my life, I have watched John Kennedy talk on television about missiles in Cuba. I saw Lyndon Johnson look Richard Russell squarely in the eye and and say, "And we shall overcome." I saw Richard Nixon resign and Gerald Ford tell the Congress that our long national nightmare was over. I saw Jimmy Carter talk about malaise and Ronald Reagan talk about a shining city on a hill. I saw George H.W. Bush deliver the eulogy for the Soviet bloc, and Bill Clinton comfort the survivors of Timothy McVeigh's madness in Oklahoma City. I saw George W. Bush struggle to make sense of it all on September 11, 2001, and I saw Barack Obama sing "Amazing Grace" in the wounded sanctuary of Mother Emanuel Church in Charleston, South Carolina.

These were the presidents of my lifetime. These were not perfect men. They were not perfect presidents, god knows. Not one of them was that. But they approached the job, and they took to the podium, with all the gravitas they could muster as appropriate to the job. They tried, at least, to reach for something in the presidency that was beyond their grasp as ordinary human beings. They were not all ennobled by the attempt, but they tried nonetheless.

And comes now this hopeless, vicious buffoon, and the audience of equally hopeless and vicious buffoons who laughed and cheered when he made sport of a woman whose lasting memory of the trauma she suffered is the laughter of the perpetrators. Now he comes, a man swathed in scandal, with no interest beyond what he can put in his pocket and what he can put over on a universe of suckers, and he does something like this while occupying an office that we gave him, and while endowed with a public trust that he dishonors every day he wakes up in the White House.

The scion of a multigenerational criminal enterprise, the parameters of which we are only now beginning to comprehend. A vessel for all the worst elements of the American condition. And a cheap, soulless bully besides. Watch him again, behind the seal of the President of the United States. Isn't he a funny man? Isn't what happened to that lady hilarious? Watch the assembled morons cheer. This is the only story now."

– Charles Pierce

Manic Pixie Dream Girl

For some reason, I saved a playlist on YouTube on this topic (edit: I remembered. I was looking at Cracked videos and one they have on RomComs is on this playlist). Basically, this refers to a character that exists to support the male protagonist in a story, and plays no other role than to meet his needs. So the first movie that mentioned this character type in one of the movies in the playlist was "500 Days of Summer", one of my favorite movies.

Here's one on why Summer is a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, along with some insight on the movie in general.



Here's one that also includes "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" that takes the opposite view.


I'm more moved to the counter position. Summer seemed to me to be a complete person, not one dimensional. That is one reason that I liked the movie. He didn't respect her clearly stated position. Anyway. I'm sick this week. Not all my cylinders are firing and this is about all I had for intellectual stimulation this week.