Saying Goodbye to Downtown, For Now

I spoke to my manager last Wednesday and it seems that a phase of my life is over. I'm not saying that it wasn't welcome, but it is time to move on to something else.

Last March, I was transferred to a group of developers downtown that work for a piece of software that E911 centers use to manage calls and radios as well as things like the location of law enforcement and traffic cameras. It really is impressive. I came to them as a temporary loan until FirstNet comes on line which has some foreign governments as well as Homeland Security as customers. I was to learn the platform and some other aspects of the software. In that, I think I did okay, as the tech used is completely new to me and on operating systems that I haven't historically concentrated upon. That as well as being in a new environment for me. Downtown. It took 2 hours commute each way to get there. I was working with a group instead of just myself. This was new on so many levels.

I didn't do too well. There are a lot of reasons. Some were my own background. Some were psychological. Some were the new manager's. Some were the lack of any on-boarding. I could probably write a long dissertation on all that went wrong. At some point last month, I came to a realization that this wasn't going to change and I went through a loss of all the stress I was feeling and went into a kind of apathy. I wanted to get back to Support and learn what my future role with FirstNet would be. I wanted, if nothing else, to feel competent again. I'm still surprised how much that experience of almost complete confusion and lack of peer support affected me and my view of my profession. It could have been much different, and it honestly should have been.

So while I was chatting with my wife last Friday on the 39th floor, my manager there was hearing that I was moving back to Schaumburg.

I will focus on the positive. I learned a lot. I became much more comfortable with the platform and technology. It will eventually be part of the platform I'm to support, and I hope to be ready for it. I still have a lot to learn and prepare for. That baptism into ignorance taught me a lot about myself. I will say that it was a valuable time for me.

Sometime in the next week, I'll once again go downtown. I'll make sure my computer there is clean and things are backed up onto the cloud. I'll turn it in to the IT dept there. That computer I spent the last 4 years on. It was a backbreaker. I can't say I will be sad to see it go as my new laptop is much more portable. I'll pack away my writing utensils and other computer bricker-brack and turn in my badge. I can always come into downtown when I want to, but I'll have to get a pass from the security desk downstairs. My manager once told me that I was the only one in the company that had 2 desks assigned. I don't know how true that is, but it was kind of interesting. Many others float around to the various facilities. I was just assigned to a place in two of them.

And away we go. It isn't like supporting the law-enforcement network and software for the country isn't stressful enough so I'll have plenty of sleepless nights ahead of me.

Not Horrific At All. Whatchyou Talkin' 'bout?

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/20/this-inspirational-story-about-a-doubting-mormon-is-horrific/

I share this story to say a couple of things, mostly selfish things. This is a story of an abusive relationship, one of conditional love. It was quickly pulled and replaced without the coercive issues, but the internet remembers.

I went on my mission with no expectations from my parents, unlike those in the article. I simply wanted to be a good person and show some gratitude for my situation which at the time was pretty awesome. It was the worst decision / experience I've ever had in my, admittedly, fairly non-eventful life. It has taken me decades to unpack it and even mentioning it, in all truthfulness, makes me feel like I've betrayed everything and everyone in my life to this day. I've tried to come to terms with it, with varying degrees of success.

No one should feel that that love is conditional on your expectations.

Everyone should be able to change their life for what they feel would be better, even if that means your expectations of them might have to change.

Cultural expectations can change if those that lead that culture make it happen. I should have come home after my time in the MTC. I was depressed beyond any level in my life before or since. I was told by my leaders how disappointed they were in me. While my friends and family might have accepted my coming home early, I knew that my life would be drastically different if I did. I couldn't live with my perceived failure with my adopted people, to live what I believed then. It was a horrible choice to make at the time but I chose to stay on my mission. I've had to live with that decision too.

There is nothing amusing about abandoning a family member because they don't do the things you want them to. Coercion should not be part of life or parenting.