Alma 32:33 And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.
This is a verse in the Book of Mormon about faith, and trying out a new way of thinking, of viewing the world. In context, it is one of faith. It was a section that I knew well as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints back in my early 20's. It is the foundational book of the church and one that we hawked non-stop for my two years in the service. While I personally was embarrassed by some of the story contained in the book, I wasn't ashamed of this chapter in particular. It was one that I used in my own life. I was indeed happier by associating with the church before and after my mission. During, not so much, but I've written enough about that.
Since that time, I've used this verse differently. My faith has faltered as I studied Christianity and my church in particular. Now, before anyone gets all judgemental here, this is MY story. I don't speak to anyone's experience but my own.
Still, coming to terms with this new information wasn't comforting. I found it difficult to operate in my old paradigm. I wrote new friends and old trying to make sense of what I was reading and learning. I wrote blog posts on other blogs to document what I felt and when. When I confided with Tracy about what I was going through, I was beside myself because unbelief is the worst thing a man can do to anyone, and I was expressing my unbelief to the person that meant the most to me. That it didn't go over well is an understatement.
After a hard year of endless discussion, I/we decided that we would try Alma's experiment in reverse. We stopped going to church as our nerves for both of us were on edge.
It worked. I had such deep-seated self-loathing because of who I was and how I felt and that it was wrong in the eyes of the church and ultimately, the Lord, that it affected most of my world-view. I began to look at things entirely differently. My political leanings became more centered. My feelings of empathy became so much stronger. I forgave myself of what I had done in the past and realized that I was a pretty decent person and that if God couldn't accept me as I was, then he/she had issues, not me. I honestly and visibly became happier outside of the church instead of in it. I think the same could be said of the rest of my family. In many ways, we have flourished in just being ourselves without fear of judgment.
Yes, in many respects, the church made me happy at one time. I became more social than I would have been otherwise. I met some of the greatest people in my life. I had a great education. My family, in many respects, is here because of the church.
I listened to others. I read books by members of the church that brought into question the foundational claims of Christianity and the church in particular. I started, I feel, to honestly evaluate all the history that I knew and ask myself if I wanted this in my life especially since I couldn't give it my ringing endorsement any longer. I didn't believe in magic, and that is where the Book of Mormon came from. I couldn't believe in the Restoration of the Priesthood, because that seemed to be a later fabrication. Everything that I read talked about how the scriptures changed with time, why members left when they did (and it seemed like the reasonable thing to do if I was in the same position). Indeed, as a father, if Joseph Smith asked of me what he asked of his followers, I would have asked for his arrest. Since that time, these "anti-mormon lies" have been admitted to by the church essays, if you care to read the footnotes and make fairly logical conclusions, you might think the same.
But I'm happier outside of it. I put the experiment to the test in reverse, and I'm happier without it in my life. Who knew?
This is a verse in the Book of Mormon about faith, and trying out a new way of thinking, of viewing the world. In context, it is one of faith. It was a section that I knew well as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints back in my early 20's. It is the foundational book of the church and one that we hawked non-stop for my two years in the service. While I personally was embarrassed by some of the story contained in the book, I wasn't ashamed of this chapter in particular. It was one that I used in my own life. I was indeed happier by associating with the church before and after my mission. During, not so much, but I've written enough about that.
Since that time, I've used this verse differently. My faith has faltered as I studied Christianity and my church in particular. Now, before anyone gets all judgemental here, this is MY story. I don't speak to anyone's experience but my own.
Still, coming to terms with this new information wasn't comforting. I found it difficult to operate in my old paradigm. I wrote new friends and old trying to make sense of what I was reading and learning. I wrote blog posts on other blogs to document what I felt and when. When I confided with Tracy about what I was going through, I was beside myself because unbelief is the worst thing a man can do to anyone, and I was expressing my unbelief to the person that meant the most to me. That it didn't go over well is an understatement.
After a hard year of endless discussion, I/we decided that we would try Alma's experiment in reverse. We stopped going to church as our nerves for both of us were on edge.
It worked. I had such deep-seated self-loathing because of who I was and how I felt and that it was wrong in the eyes of the church and ultimately, the Lord, that it affected most of my world-view. I began to look at things entirely differently. My political leanings became more centered. My feelings of empathy became so much stronger. I forgave myself of what I had done in the past and realized that I was a pretty decent person and that if God couldn't accept me as I was, then he/she had issues, not me. I honestly and visibly became happier outside of the church instead of in it. I think the same could be said of the rest of my family. In many ways, we have flourished in just being ourselves without fear of judgment.
Yes, in many respects, the church made me happy at one time. I became more social than I would have been otherwise. I met some of the greatest people in my life. I had a great education. My family, in many respects, is here because of the church.
I listened to others. I read books by members of the church that brought into question the foundational claims of Christianity and the church in particular. I started, I feel, to honestly evaluate all the history that I knew and ask myself if I wanted this in my life especially since I couldn't give it my ringing endorsement any longer. I didn't believe in magic, and that is where the Book of Mormon came from. I couldn't believe in the Restoration of the Priesthood, because that seemed to be a later fabrication. Everything that I read talked about how the scriptures changed with time, why members left when they did (and it seemed like the reasonable thing to do if I was in the same position). Indeed, as a father, if Joseph Smith asked of me what he asked of his followers, I would have asked for his arrest. Since that time, these "anti-mormon lies" have been admitted to by the church essays, if you care to read the footnotes and make fairly logical conclusions, you might think the same.
But I'm happier outside of it. I put the experiment to the test in reverse, and I'm happier without it in my life. Who knew?
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