I happen to like poetry written by young women. I think they have a hold and understanding of passion and are not ashamed to say what they feel and can express it better than men their age. There are a lot of issues with men that age which makes them hide their feelings. It doesn't usually get better as they age.
This is a poem about heartache. Accepting loss. I tended to think like this woman when breakups happen as I wouldn't have dated women that I didn't respect or want the best for. I've never resented a woman that I've dated later in the game. One of the things that I don't understand about divorce, if I may move this towards marriage, is how those who loved each other now hate each other. I wouldn't ever force my wife to stay with me, and I wouldn't hold her to any legal covenants. I would want anyone in a relationship with me to be there voluntarily. I think this is a good capture of the emotions that surround the expiration of a relationship, at least, what I would hope from myself.
Does Time Truly Heal All Wounds? By Madison Kuhn
I will not ask you to stay
If you must go, go
I don’t need you
I will breathe (carefully) without you
I will smile (slowly) without you
I will go on (eventually) without you
I’d be much happier
If you chose to not leave,
But if you must let go, let go
And I will too
And hopefully one day
I will teach my heart to not break
Whenever everyday thoughts
Lead to you
I’m afraid I’m much too weak,
I’m afraid we’ll always be
A book with the end pages ripped out,
I’m afraid I’ll always wonder,
Always ache,
Always place everyone second to you
Last night Tracy and I got to bed a bit later than normal, mostly due to Hayden’s concert and shenanigans afterwards. Soon after we all went to sleep, I was startled awake by the most horrible scream I’ve ever heard. As my waking brain pulled itself out of unconsciousness, all I could process was “Demon-Witches are killing Ellie!" because really what else could it be? Tracy, a well-practiced mom with 16 years experience was out of the bed and heading to the door by the time my head lifted from the pillow.
“Wha..” was all I could offer.
“It’s the cats.” was her response. After a day of having the kids sniping at each other all day long, this is the last thing this woman needed to deal with.
Evidently, there was a cat outside that was facing down Dave and Fergus probably sidled up next to her to see what was going on. Dave lost her ****. By the time Tracy made it downstairs, the demon cat from outside was fleeing into the night while our two cats were in mortal combat. She separated Dave and tried to calm her down and Fergus-- sweet, dumber than a fencepost Fergus—decided to hop on the bed to see what was happening. Dave hissed and fought trying to get to Fergus and wipe that blank expression off her face.
“Can Dave be stupid enough to think that Fergus is that other cat?” Tracy said with no hint of sarcasm.
I wanted to remind her that Dave is one of the dumbest cats I know. She can’t figure out how to cover her poop in the litter box and she has a memory shorter than a gnat. She’s affectionate and playful, but yeah, pretty dumb. Fergus is little better.
After peace was restored and my heart rate somewhat reduced, we turned into bed hoping to get to sleep quickly. About half an hour later, the fight erupted again. You see, cats are like human children. They pick and pester each other until one of them has to lash out and they have to be separated. Even when separated, they longingly remember the argument and want to start again as soon as possible. When the calming effects of my sleep medication kicked in, Dave was glaring at Fergus from under the dresser and Fergus was blissfully unaware in the hall waiting for the next “discussion.” Luckily it never happened.
Of course all this introspection of life and what has happened and what is happening leads to a more interesting question, “What do I want to happen to me?”
Last year I took a trip to Oregon. I took it for a host of reasons. One of the things I did before the trip is to educate myself about the state. In the past, I never looked to closely at the state with the thought that the politics of the place would probably drive me crazy. While the hard conservative states of Utah and Arizona were fresh in my memory and deserving of some of my contempt, quite honestly, I didn’t think a hard left turn would be appreciated either. I’d like a little more balanced view to my politics. Well, my departure from my former faith had me re-evaluate a lot of my life and politics no longer played a role in my life. I simply no longer cared. I was happier without politics in my mind. So, with the help of Facebook, I could investigate this state a little more.
I’ve mentioned several times that I have fallen in love with volcanoes. I have developed such a fascination with the earth since moving to the Rockies back in 1984 for college. Tracy facilitated my education with Southern Utah and that area and volcanic activity was evident there. What once was a mundane interest became fanatical. On our frequent trips around the area, I was always on the lookout for old lava fields and cinder cones and almost anything volcanic. Learning that Yellowstone was a super-volcano and that the hot-spot it vented was once under Oregon and the Cascades helped fuel my interest in Oregon.
Mt. Hood, Mt. Adams, Mt. St. Helens, the Sisters and Crater Lake were some of my early targets. Photographers took pictures of them and were readily had. I looked at maps and photographs and web-pages, anything I could to educate myself on the area. Nothing prepared me for what it was like to actually visit.
I spent a day with a friend of mine there. It was before I took to the roads solo. For informational purposes, I’m a very driven wanderer. I drive hard and I practically live out of my car. I am also a minimalist. I usually forget to eat. I just want to see things. Thing is, I’m also very reserved. While my friend is showing me the coast, I spent a lot of time looking when inside I’m jumping up and down, running in circles by how the whole place is just so fascinating. She took me up into a river cut and I was almost beside myself with glee. Columnar Basalt! My first columnar basalt was viewed on that one of those days. How much I just wanted to scream with delight at what I was seeing. My God! A whole wall of the stuff! There is a lava tube that cooled and splayed out the columns! AAAHHHH!
Did I let it out that I was seeing things that were completely freaking me out? No. I just looked intently. While she might know I’m a nut, I’m also supposedly a respectable professional with profound psychological issues. I didn’t need that compounded and remove all doubt of my insanity.
When I again hit the road solo, I provisioned at a Walmart and off I went. I had already bonded with the area and it was manifesting in some odd ways. Sisters was very disconcerting. I had expected a certain layout and I wasn’t seeing it. It was early in the season and some roads I wanted to take were closed. It was capping off an emotional morning in an odd way. I did re-center and what followed was about 7 days of the most fun I’ve had in a long time. No, it wasn’t a Disneyland kind of fun. I didn’t camp or even settle in an area for more than half an hour before I was off again. There was so much to see and do. I knew some of these places from pictures. My experience at Mt. St. Helens was not expected as I awed at the crater before me. Heading back to Portland from a southern excursion, I made a call to Tracy with a declaration. I found where I wanted to die. My previous plans for retirement? Blown to Hell.
Tracy knows, one of the few that do, how passionate I can be about certain things. I can feel some things so strongly and usually she can drive reality into my noggin and put me in my place.
When I arrived back home, we had a series of discussions. What do we want to do? What will make us happiest? When were you really happy? Do things make you happy or does something else?
I know I’m not the only one having these conversations. I’ve spoken to many of my friends and they are at that point in their lives too. What do we want to do with what remains? If I’m not happy here, where do I want to go?
So we drive onwards towards our visions of paradise, and they change over time. Sometimes that change is profound. Sometimes it is an enveloping contentment. For many, it is the journey to the goal that drives them on. Whatever the reasons, whatever the time, please look at your life and find your passion, find your happiness and if it is off in the future, work towards it. I can’t act on our big goals yet, there are financial and family concerns, but we have a goal and we have a plan. It was a complete change of plans from just a few years ago, but change is part of life. Luckily, I have someone in my life that will listen and still finds being with me more interesting than being without me. On living out West, it isn’t a compromise though. On that, we agree. Just how that will happen is part of our process.
Find a man
Seek protection
The world is scary
Don’t go out
You are weak
Don’t care so much
They’re only animals
Don’t be so intense
Don’t cry so much
You can’t trust anyone
Don’t talk to strangers
People will take advantage of you
Close your legs
Girls aren’t good with:
Numbers
Facts
Making difficult decisions
Lifting things
Putting things together
International news
Flying planes
Being in charge.
If he rapes you, surrender,
you will get killed trying to defend yourself
Don’t travel alone
You are nothing without a man
Don’t make the first move,
wait for him to notice you
Don’t be too loud
Follow the crowd
Obey the laws
Don’t know too much
Tone it down
Find someone rich
It’s how you look that matters,
not what you think.
HERE’S WHAT I’M TELLING YOU:
Everyone’s making everything up
There is no one in charge except for those
who pretend to be
No one is coming
No one is going to
Rescue you
Mind-read your needs
Know your body better than you
Always fight back
Ask for it
Say you want it
Cherish your solitude
Take trains by yourself to places
you’ve never been
Sleep out alone under the stars
Learn how to drive a stick shift
Go so far away that you stop being afraid of
not coming back
Say no when you don’t want to do something
Say yes if your instincts are strong
even if everyone around you disagrees
Decide whether you want to be liked or admired
Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out
what you’re doing here
Believe in kissing
Fight for tenderness
Care as much as you do
Cry as much as you want
Insist the world be theater
and love the drama
Take your time
Move as fast as you do
as long as it’s your speed.
Ask yourself these questions:
Why am I whispering when I have something to say?
Why am I adding a question mark at the end
of all my sentences?
Why am I apologizing every time I express my needs?
Why am I hunching over?
Starving myself when I love food?
Pretending it doesn’t mean that much to me?
Hurting myself when I mean to scream?
Why am I waiting
Whining
Pining
Fitting in?
You know the truth:
Sometimes it does hurt that much
Horses can feel love
Your mother wanted more than that
It’s easier to be mean than smart
But that isn’t who you are.
