Now that I have your attention, whether it be for good or ill, let me tell you that you may not want to read any further as you may learn more than you want to know about me.
I was feeling entirely too introspective one day this week. I was thinking and rethinking some of the things that have bothered me since I became aware of them. That is one of the unfortunate things about rethinking your life upon different information. I’ve realized how much of my life has been based on guilt and shame.
In my early teens, I made a few mistakes and I lost my parent’s trust. I wanted to earn it back. I did it by getting religion. Eventually, I moved my sensitivities to the same religion as my mother. I didn’t agree with it for some time, but there’s no use to get religion and create antagonism by not getting into the right one. Eventually, I was converted.
As with most every person at that stage in life, the hormones were raging. But Jesus said that to look lustily upon a woman was to have committed adultery with her in your heart. These mutually exclusive things battled inside of me and I never felt good enough. Every time I read the scriptures, attended church or was interviewed by the bishop, I felt so flawed, so wicked. Why could I not control my thoughts? I knew I was too stupid then to date but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hyper-attracted to the girls from school. That situation prevailed until college when I started having my first real girlfriends. I was sexually attracted to the girls I went out with. Well, of course I was, but it also made me feel more guilt and more shame. I’m not one of the most attractive people in the world and this wrestling with my sexuality was taxing. I felt guilty for being unattractive and still sexually driven (Yeah, that's messed up).
I loved college and BYU. I was grateful for my friends and the opportunities to attend there so I decided to go on a mission, to show appreciation to my parents, my friends and God. That wasn’t a good decision for someone that was in love with a girl, an extreme introvert, and with a particular view of God and what He wanted with me. I’ve written about it before and it was two years of torture for me. I came home grateful to once again be in college and to have the mission in the rear-view mirror. My dating was still frustrating as I knew by then how sexual I was and how little of it I could express. I did however have a healthy respect for the women I dated. I was into extreme consent and wouldn’t even hold hands unless I asked. I tried to be as romantic as I could and I think I did a good job of that considering how and where I was. Still, I would let regrets, guilt and shame make themselves known. I was very emotional which wasn’t too off from the culture but my want of touch and intimacy was quite a bit different from my family’s experience. I kept my desires in check for much of my life.
Then I left the church and my normal introspection went into overdrive. I wanted to learn why I thought what I did and what led me to my decisions.
Which brings me to that day last week. I was following a link in a facebook group and it led me to a photographer’s page. The pictures were mostly pictures of young women, possibly for senior pictures or for other modeling reasons. I appreciated the portraits and poses that were highlighted. One was a fall shoot with a woman with piercings and tattoos and I remarked how attractive it made her. That was something I would have never admitted just 5 years ago. The pictures were very well done. As I scrolled down the page another young woman was featured, again outdoor autumn shots. She was gorgeous. The poses were great and the photographer had a really good eye. I noticed that she was tagged in the description and I went to her wall, wondering if she was a model. No, just a young woman. I also noticed that she had a relationship status and the person she was in a relationship with had a feminine name. I hovered over it and yes, it was a woman. Hmmmm. She’s a lesbian. Okay. As I looked more at her wall I read how unapologetic she was about that aspect of her life. Good for her. At least she might not be saddled with all the shame I felt for being a raging heterosexual just 30 years earlier. Hopefully, she won’t ever have to deny who she is.
Later that day I PMed with a woman I know that grew up with a completely different experience sexually than what I grew up with. She’s been such a sanity check for me these past years. I expressed how much shame has ruled my life, and that I’m still feeling it. It seems I’m still negotiating with my wife at times on just how sexual I’m allowed to be. My desire for consent is still there because I respect my wife. I respect how hard it must be to be married to me.
I can’t help think about how different my life would have been without feeling guilty about every aspect of my sexuality. I felt such guilt internally about who I was, and I was pure hetero and entirely normal in retrospect. I can’t fathom what being a closeted gay or lesbian must be like. I texted my friend and told her that I refused to train my children into that environment of guilt which was such a battle in my marriage just a few years earlier. But then again, my wife didn’t know what I struggled with because I was ashamed to be honest with her. Maybe I would have been more relaxed during my dating years without all that stigma. Maybe I would have kissed more. Maybe I wouldn’t have pined away for months, years thinking how evil I was.
Another teaching that I followed was not having friends of the opposite sex. Well, I did have some but generally I didn't because, you know, adultery would break out evidently. I can't tell you how much I avoided friendships with women, mostly subconsciously because that is what was expected of me. At the beginning of my disaffection with religion, I wanted to talk to a friend of mine, just about life and the universe. I felt comfortable talking to her, and conversely, I probably made her extremely uncomfortable. Men simply don't share parts of their lives, especially the most private aspects, with women other than their wives in my religious culture. It was ridiculous. Women are wonderful, make the best friends and there is no reason why people should automatically discount 50% of the rest of the earth's population just because some people can't handle those relationships like a normal person.
So now I’m outside of religion. I can say that I feel so much better living my life according to my own expectations, without comparing myself to others. I can say that “Whoever looks upon a woman…” was one of the most damaging teachings I’ve ever internalized. It made me feel guilty almost constantly just for being a normal human being. It reinforced all the guilt I felt for having hormones, for being attracted to my dates, and women in general. You know what? We are wired that way. It is the way we are and it isn't natural to push down attraction.
Now, I have no need for “slut-shaming” or judging anyone else for living their lives, unless they do it to hurt or without consent. If a woman or man wants to be sexual in dress, word or deed then good for them. It is better that we don’t shame people for what they are, in whatever aspect that may be. It is damaging to live to others’ expectations. We will always fall short.
I like romantic and feminist poetry. I like touching, hugging and intimacy. I was a religious person but no longer. I like watching video games, not for the playing but for the algorithms, the artistry, the computation, the system interaction, the electrons flying through circuitry. I like going for hikes, bike rides and long drives with people I enjoy talking to. I like giving foot rubs. I like cats. I like football. I’m a dopamine addict, unapologetically. I’m probably not the best parent. I can be very selfish at times.
This is me, and I’m no longer ashamed of it.
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