We Each Pay a Fabulous Price

I've been contemplating this post for many weeks. It was first going to be a personal post about the struggles I've had over the past several months. However, life moves on and my perspective changes. There was a family member that was sent to the emergency room and surgery. Relationship issues also intruded our space and I thought perhaps it would go into that direction.

Instead, I want to write about others who went through their search for truth in this period of time with me. Most I met on Facebook as we sought solace with others to try and deal with all the discomfort that it brought. In many ways, I kind of view it as a first world problem, considering all the other problems that beset mankind, but it affected us all in very personal ways.

You wouldn't think that the very action of not going to church, or changing your outlook on life wouldn't bring many families to the brink of dissolution, but it does. How do you exit a belief that dominates your life? Perhaps it shouldn't, but it does, and that is part of the underlying problem. I don't want to talk about the merits of faith or disbelief, as those can be had elsewhere. I want to talk about what it means on the ground. This won't be exhaustive, just a quick look at what it does to families.

I don't want to write about all of the issues I've had. I will state that I read a few books by members of my faith that raised questions about history and doctrine. I tried to understand what I believed and why. I confided in people that I knew and trusted and eventually it became more than I could overlook. I wanted truth. I no longer wanted to be fed belief for its own sake. I talked to my wife about it and everything became difficult. I wanted to know she loved me, even if I started taking a different road. Did she love me or did she love my position or what my belief offered her? It began the most difficult part of our marriage to date. It stressed everything as we worked out how to respect each other for what we were. There was a time when I felt I was so disruptive to the family that it would probably be better if I lived somewhere else, if but for a time. We talked deeply about who and what we were. We opened up to a degree that we never had before and started to discuss things that we had hidden or pushed down. We did work it out, but our discovery and talks extend to the present as we feel free to change ourselves and our thinking as time goes on. I no longer feel static and rigid in my thinking of some sort of expectation. I can be wrong. I can change my mind.

Tracy and I have worked it out, and we continue to work things out. Many of my friends online weren't so lucky. For whatever reason, many of them divorced. Some had other issues to work out as well as Tracy and I did. Others found themselves in abusive relationships and owning their beliefs translated into owning their lives once again and left for a better life. Others questioned their decisions all the way back, all their lives. To a degree, so did I. I questioned everything. If I was so wrong in one part of my life, perhaps I was wrong in many other.

Barry Mills put it very well in his blog post "I Choose You, Again"

The large majority of people who leave The Mormon Church go through this process of questioning every major life decision they make.  You feel like The Church robbed you of choice.  (Ironic, since agency is a core tenet of the religion) Did I do “that” because I was Mormon or because it was a good choice?  Would I make that same decision again, now that I’m not Mormon?

Would I have gone to college, if I didn’t go on a Mormon mission immediately after high school?  Would I have a different career?  Would I enjoy that career more than this one?  Would I feel more fulfilled?

I married the first woman I had a real relationship with, a year after returning from my mission.  Would I have done that, if I wasn’t Mormon?  Would I have dated other women?  I’ve only had sex with my wife.  Would I have had sex with other women?  What would that be like?  Did I marry the right person?  Would I have gotten married at all?  Would my life be different?  What would that be like?  Would I be happier?  What do I do now………….

I am very introspective, so I have always questioned my decisions to some extent, but it was more immediate at that point in my life than any other. Others evaluated their lives and made more drastic changes. I've long since decided to let others live their own lives and like and love them all the same. I don't have time or position to judge them. We all deserve to be happy and if they aren't happy where they are, then they should make a change.

"We each pay a fabulous price..." comes from a line in a song that came out while I was on my mission. I still feel that my mission was my most costly time in my life. It changed me in many ways, not many of them good but it forced me to try and be a better person. It was what was expected of me, and what I felt others expected of me. Don't live your life for the expectations of others. Ask more questions. Dive deep into your choices. If it doesn't work out, change. 

Huh. Maybe I Did Want To Sin. (NSFW)

Now that I have your attention, whether it be for good or ill, let me tell you that you may not want to read any further as you may learn more than you want to know about me.

I was feeling entirely too introspective one day this week. I was thinking and rethinking some of the things that have bothered me since I became aware of them. That is one of the unfortunate things about rethinking your life upon different information. I’ve realized how much of my life has been based on guilt and shame.

In my early teens, I made a few mistakes and I lost my parent’s trust. I wanted to earn it back. I did it by getting religion. Eventually, I moved my sensitivities to the same religion as my mother. I didn’t agree with it for some time, but there’s no use to get religion and create antagonism by not getting into the right one. Eventually, I was converted.

As with most every person at that stage in life, the hormones were raging. But Jesus said that to look lustily upon a woman was to have committed adultery with her in your heart. These mutually exclusive things battled inside of me and I never felt good enough. Every time I read the scriptures, attended church or was interviewed by the bishop, I felt so flawed, so wicked. Why could I not control my thoughts? I knew I was too stupid then to date but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hyper-attracted to the girls from school. That situation prevailed until college when I started having my first real girlfriends. I was sexually attracted to the girls I went out with. Well, of course I was, but it also made me feel more guilt and more shame. I’m not one of the most attractive people in the world and this wrestling with my sexuality was taxing. I felt guilty for being unattractive and still sexually driven (Yeah, that's messed up).

I loved college and BYU. I was grateful for my friends and the opportunities to attend there so I decided to go on a mission, to show appreciation to my parents, my friends and God. That wasn’t a good decision for someone that was in love with a girl, an extreme introvert, and with a particular view of God and what He wanted with me. I’ve written about it before and it was two years of torture for me. I came home grateful to once again be in college and to have the mission in the rear-view mirror. My dating was still frustrating as I knew by then how sexual I was and how little of it I could express. I did however have a healthy respect for the women I dated. I was into extreme consent and wouldn’t even hold hands unless I asked. I tried to be as romantic as I could and I think I did a good job of that considering how and where I was. Still, I would let regrets, guilt and shame make themselves known. I was very emotional which wasn’t too off from the culture but my want of touch and intimacy was quite a bit different from my family’s experience. I kept my desires in check for much of my life.

Then I left the church and my normal introspection went into overdrive. I wanted to learn why I thought what I did and what led me to my decisions.

Which brings me to that day last week. I was following a link in a facebook group and it led me to a photographer’s page. The pictures were mostly pictures of young women, possibly for senior pictures or for other modeling reasons. I appreciated the portraits and poses that were highlighted. One was a fall shoot with a woman with piercings and tattoos and I remarked how attractive it made her. That was something I would have never admitted just 5 years ago. The pictures were very well done. As I scrolled down the page another young woman was featured, again outdoor autumn shots. She was gorgeous. The poses were great and the photographer had a really good eye. I noticed that she was tagged in the description and I went to her wall, wondering if she was a model. No, just a young woman. I also noticed that she had a relationship status and the person she was in a relationship with had a feminine name. I hovered over it and yes, it was a woman. Hmmmm. She’s a lesbian. Okay.  As I looked more at her wall I read how unapologetic she was about that aspect of her life. Good for her. At least she might not be saddled with all the shame I felt for being a raging heterosexual just 30 years earlier. Hopefully, she won’t ever have to deny who she is.

Later that day I PMed with a woman I know that grew up with a completely different experience sexually than what I grew up with. She’s been such a sanity check for me these past years. I expressed how much shame has ruled my life, and that I’m still feeling it. It seems I’m still negotiating with my wife at times on just how sexual I’m allowed to be. My desire for consent is still there because I respect my wife. I respect how hard it must be to be married to me.

I can’t help think about how different my life would have been without feeling guilty about every aspect of my sexuality. I felt such guilt internally about who I was, and I was pure hetero and entirely normal in retrospect. I can’t fathom what being a closeted gay or lesbian must be like. I texted my friend and told her that I refused to train my children into that environment of guilt which was such a battle in my marriage just a few years earlier. But then again, my wife didn’t know what I struggled with because I was ashamed to be honest with her. Maybe I would have been more relaxed during my dating years without all that stigma. Maybe I would have kissed more. Maybe I wouldn’t have pined away for months, years thinking how evil I was.

Another teaching that I followed was not having friends of the opposite sex. Well, I did have some but generally I didn't because, you know, adultery would break out evidently. I can't tell you how much I avoided friendships with women, mostly subconsciously because that is what was expected of me. At the beginning of my disaffection with religion, I wanted to talk to a friend of mine, just about life and the universe. I felt comfortable talking to her, and conversely, I probably made her extremely uncomfortable. Men simply don't share parts of their lives, especially the most private aspects, with women other than their wives in my religious culture. It was ridiculous. Women are wonderful, make the best friends and there is no reason why people should automatically discount 50% of the rest of the earth's population just because some people can't handle those relationships like a normal person.

So now I’m outside of religion. I can say that I feel so much better living my life according to my own expectations, without comparing myself to others. I can say that “Whoever looks upon a woman…” was one of the most damaging teachings I’ve ever internalized. It made me feel guilty almost constantly just for being a normal human being. It reinforced all the guilt I felt for having hormones, for being attracted to my dates, and women in general. You know what? We are wired that way. It is the way we are and it isn't natural to push down attraction.

Now, I have no need for “slut-shaming” or judging anyone else for living their lives, unless they do it to hurt or without consent.  If a woman or man wants to be sexual in dress, word or deed then good for them. It is better that we don’t shame people for what they are, in whatever aspect that may be. It is damaging to live to others’ expectations. We will always fall short.

I like romantic and feminist poetry. I like touching, hugging and intimacy. I was a religious person but no longer. I like watching video games, not for the playing but for the algorithms, the artistry, the computation, the system interaction, the electrons flying through circuitry. I like going for hikes, bike rides and long drives with people I enjoy talking to. I like giving foot rubs. I like cats. I like football. I’m a dopamine addict, unapologetically. I’m probably not the best parent. I can be very selfish at times.

This is me, and I’m no longer ashamed of it.

Sparrow

“one stormy night my girlfriend saw what we thought was a dead sparrow below our balcony. he was barely breathing, covered in ants and completely blind.

“we brought him home and put him in a box. after spending a night in our bedroom, he woke us up with high pitched tweeting. we tried feeding him, but without any luck, so we placed him on our balcony. he continued tweeting non stop for three hours.

“finally, his father found him and started feeding him. he brought his chick huge bugs and bread every 10-15 minutes all day long for two weeks straight.

“he was getting bigger every day, but he was still blind. i called a vet, and he told me to try simple eye drops. it worked like a charm! he even started hiding from us behind our flowers. soon, his father started showing him how to fly trough the window.

“one day he just left – we knew this day would come eventually. we became really worried because that same night, and for the next few days, there was really stormy weather. however, three days later, he came back and fell asleep in one of our pots.”

Source

Troublemaker

In one of those few books that I've read in the past 4 years, I found a bit of insight. Fundamentalist religion has common factors. While I don't think The Church I Attended (TCIA) was as fanatical or as controlling as the Church of Scientology, I found comparisons that made me uncomfortable.

Leah Remini is one of my favorite actresses. I've always been attracted to women who speak their mind and with her, I don't think there would be any ambiguity in what her opinion is. Plus, she's a beautiful woman. Hey, I'm a guy. In any case, looking at her life in Scientology brought a few similarities. The unfailing need for the authority to be respected. You can do almost anything, but you must acknowledge and acquiesce to their authority. The non-transparency of the money donated and what it is spent upon. The money needed to gain salvation. While TCIA doesn't make one pay to be taught or require frequent trips to certain locations for training, it does have temples where you must donate 10% of you income in order to attend. If you don't pay 10%, you don't get in to receive the higher ordinances.

The lack of depth of the relationships that the church fostered was a similarity too. The only people that contacted me when I stopped attending was leadership. No other personal contact was continued. My wife's experience is a bit different. She has had contact and for that I am appreciative. My complaints were never against the local membership but the actions of the leadership throughout the history. I love the people I attended church with. Now, I didn't seek them out either. I didn't want to have any arguements or complications from my leaving.

I won't go into any more comparisons, as I think Scientology is its own kind of mind-f**k but there were some similarities, some of them quite strong. I'll let the reader decide.

As a point of reference, I have a Dianetics book, one of the first written by L. Ron Hubbard (LRH) but as of this writing, I have not read it. I have watched the movie "Going Clear" that HBO had produced in 2015 and there where many knowing glances between my wife and I during that viewing. I also have read some of the fiction by LRH and I was entertained to a degree. Certainly he wasn't the best author I had read.