There are some memes that are funny, some that are ironic, sarcastic, whatever. This one was thought provoking. For those that read this blog regularly, you realize that there were some pivotal points in my life that I regularly revisit. They're pivotal. Of course I would. That's kinda the point, right? This reminded me of one of them. Probably the most influential in my life,
You know I'm all about relationships. I write and think about them all the time. That might seem odd for an engineer to say, but if nothing else, I think I have my priorities straight. I was head over heels in love in one particular point in my life. It certainly wasn't the most convenient. There were things that would take me away from the relationship for several years. I wasn't doing well in school. I was engaged in something that I was struggling with. I lost track of a lot of things, a loss of perspective. I wasn't feeling the most mature and I was emotionally flailing. I gave ultimatums. I needed, desperately wanted, security and a feeling of being desired. I felt like such a burden to all who I knew and loved. Depression is a horrible thing to go through with absolutely no support.
"Don't ever write to me again!" Funny how a few words can change your life, bring things back into perspective. Those words started a chain of events that modified almost everything about me. I didn't respect her boundaries. I wanted so much to be a "we" that I didn't respect "her". I never, ever wanted to feel that way again. I didn't want to ever lose sight of the person, the individual, with all their feelings, emotions, dreams, desires like I did then. I learned a very painful, miserable, and necessary lesson.
With that in mind, I have tried to improve and keep boundaries in the relationships I've had since then. Vows and covenants took on a different view in my life. I viewed them as unenforceable. I certainly wouldn't ever try to enforce them. For example, if Tracy ever decided that she had enough of me, I wouldn't hold her to a relationship that she was uncomfortable in. If I'm ever a hindrance, I would expect her to kick me to the curb and go on to a more fulfilling life.
And speaking of boundaries, there are some that I need to have in my life. We all have boundaries and sometimes we aren't clear with those around us what exactly they are. I know the first couple years of marriage with Tracy was discovering what her boundaries were, as well has her learning mine. I recently came across an article that laid out some of these boundaries. While I might take issue with some of these and perhaps the finality of the language, I found this list interesting, to say the least.
- You don’t owe anyone a justification for your values and your priorities.
- You don’t owe anyone a yes when you want to say no.
- You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your relationships, whether lovers or friends.
- You don’t owe anyone assistance with their happiness journey at the cost of your own.
- You don’t owe anyone a debate around your political views especially when the other person’s mind is made up.
- You don’t owe anyone an apology when you are not sorry, and you would make the same decision again.
- You don’t owe anyone a rationalization about why investing in yourself is important
- You don’t owe anyone the meaning of what you believe in.
- You don’t owe anyone a change in your appearance just to please them.
- You don’t owe anyone friendship, especially when they do not share your values
- You don’t owe anyone a negative mindset so that you can commiserate with them.
- You don’t owe anyone access to information about your life that makes you uncomfortable
- You don’t owe anyone gossip material about other people just to fit in.
- You don’t owe anyone your time for their projects or for things that matter to them unless they matter to you too.
- You don’t owe anyone the commitment to try something “new” just because you were asked.
- You don’t owe anyone a safe place for constant complaining and dwelling in their poor choices.
- You don’t owe anyone an answer other than the truth to prevent them from being uncomfortable.
- You don’t owe anyone your services as a crisis counselor unless you are actually a crisis counselor.
- You don’t owe anyone false compliments just to make them feel better.
- You don’t owe anyone anything that doesn’t make you feel good and goes against your gut instinct.
I think we all need people in our lives that respect boundaries. I have tried to respect them in others.
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