"He's probably a good lover."

This is a continuation of the previous post, "What does she see in him?"

A friend’s wife pointed out that I only referred to her as “My friend’s wife” and never as her own person (Yes, I’m aware I’m doing it here).  The comment was shocking; and I’ve thought long and hard about it ever since. 

 I honestly don't think I do this. If anything, I identify with women more than men so if anything I = would look at it as "My friend's husband". I might know husbands more than the wives, but that is because the church pushed me to interact more with them.

I do have something to talk about here and this is probably the most logical place. The church has taught me how inappropriate it would be to be friends with members of the opposite sex, now that I'm married. I shouldn't be alone with them. I shouldn't interact with them without the spouse being present. This teaching, I believe, is toxic. It infantilizes us. I'm a grown man. I'm interacting with a grown woman. We both have control over our desires and our bodies. I'm not sure if the fear is what people will think about a man and a woman interacting or if they are afraid adultery would break out. First, the world doesn't care. I can't control what other people think about me. I don't really care what people think about me. If I'm talking with a woman and someone thinks I'm being inappropriate, well, that tells me something about them more than it does about me. As to the adultery aspect, I'm more of a fatalist when it comes to things like that. If something happens to the romantic life of someone, then it happens. I would hope that people are adults and mature about the situation, and yes, there would be hurt and pain, but to do anything else is to try to exert control over someone else. That doesn't work very well with the human spirit.

High school friends I can separate into individuals of both genders, but after my mission it is almost impossible to think of women as “Their own selves”.  Now maybe the church doesn’t have this impact on every person who serves a mission, but it had this impact on me, and I think it  worth mentioning so that individuals are aware of it and can self-investigate it to.

I remember when I was struggling with parts of my life, and I wanted to talk to a woman I've known since college. I told her that I wanted to talk to HER, and not to her and her husband. I probably violated 12 levels of LDS protections, but I didn't care. I wanted to talk to someone I trusted about some very personal things. I probably put her in a very uncomfortable position. THIS is the problem. She was my friend and yet the church teaches that it would be inappropriate for me to spend an afternoon talking to her. We weren't children. We were both in our mid 40's. I shouldn't need to feel uncomfortable talking to her, but yet I did. I still don't know if the friendship was damaged by the meeting. It was a very sensitive topic and she learned more about me than she probably wanted to know. I think that can be disconcerting, but I shouldn't have had to feel like it was wrong to talk to her as an individual and not as just half of a pair of people.

I have since talked to several women in one on one situations. Like the quote, it is easier for me to do with women that I know from High School, and these women actually insist on being treated as individuals, I don't know how often my conditioning in regards to the opposite sex kicked in but I know it is there. I did experience it during times with my managers at work who were female. I don't know how many friendships with fantastic people I have missed because of this teaching.

I know that one day, when I was serving as EQ president, I was working with a young couple who wanted to get married.  She had a history of eating disorders, and he was an artist; unable to get steady work.  I saw it as my duty to help him shepherd his artistic ability and provide for his family.  Exasperated after one conversation I commented on “What does she see in him” and someone else replied “He’s probably a good lover”.

And it hit me; the church never defines “a good lover” as a positive quality in a man.  Never, not once.  And yet women want that.  In all the lessons I had, we were never told to be romantic or to focus on a hobby.  To be interesting, creative, fun.  Never.  Provide, provide, provide.  And I still define most of my success by that metric.  “Did I provide for my family today?”

But life is about a lot more than that.  Spouses want more than that.  Female co-workers, and friends are more than that.   But that was the measuring stick I learned. 

 I'm not sure if I would have expected the church to teach me how to be a good lover, but it should teach more than it does. Let me elaborate. Growing up I wanted to know how to date. My parents weren't all that informative, so church provided a place for me to at least get to know girls in a particular environment. Church held a lot of dances, but I was too self-conscious to really do that comfortably. For a few of our combined activities, we would spend time with each other learning how to interact. A few times, the boys would cook dinner for the girls and next month it would be reversed. Those were the events I really enjoyed. I really wanted to be a good date when I got around to doing it. I needed time to be with girls my own age in different situations. I was just starting to become social at school. Those combined activities are really my best memories of going to church activities at that time in my life.

As I became more comfortable around girls and went on dates, I resolved that this is where I wanted to excel. I wanted to focus on other people. I imagined so much being able to date and make a girl enjoy her time with me. While I had ambition and a desire to succeed in life, that success was mostly to be defined by having a good relationship. The lessons at church became more and more focused on being a good priesthood holder. That is how I was to be defined and that is what all those beautiful Mormon girls wanted. Well, if that is what was wanted, I guess that is what I'll try to be. Little to no effort was spent on the more intimate times and fostering good manners in relation to your significant other. It all related in being a good person and how it related to the institution of the church.  The church was the third person involved in every relationship. It defined expectations. It defined limits. My sexuality was defined by guilt and shame. At a time when I needed and wanted to have those more intimate times, I was stopped and blocked, because there was never a good time before marriage to be intimate. I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about emotional intimacy as well as intellectual intimacy. I was told never to get too close to a girl, that bad things can happen. When I wanted to think about my life, my church obligations and expectations were in the forefront of my mind. When I wanted to share my life, that third person in the room was looking at me disapprovingly.

After I was married, I did have a huge amount of stress in thinking about providing. I can't put that all on the church, because my own family traditions and drive propelled me to succeed. Perhaps succeed isn't the right word. I have never been an alpha male. I didn't want or have plans to be a millionaire. I just wanted to be able to feed myself. I wanted Tracy to do what she wanted and that also required money. I can't say that the lessons from church helped or hindered. Again, success was defined in relation to the church. Have kids to be happy. Do your home teaching to be happy. Spending time with your spouse was usually tossed off as "Have a date night."

I don't have too much of a beef in particular with the church not teaching men to be romantic. I do have a beef in that I wasn't an alpha male. My entire focus was in making the woman who wanted to be with me, happy with me. That didn't mean time spent away from her doing church work. It would help if the church attempted to understand men like me who were emotional, introverted, sexual, thoughtful and not make us feel like we were breaking every commandment and expectation for being so. I wanted to be a good person. I attended 3 hours of church a week. The rest of my time I wanted to devote to those that wanted to be with me.

I had so much guilt over the past decades just wanting to be me.