Anger

As a warning, this post is about my relationship with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If you do not want to hear possibly negative information to your worldview in regards to that institution, I suggest you exit the essay right now. If you transfer that negativity to me, that is your choice. I am trying to be more honest in what I write and face down emotions and issues that I have in my life in hopes of understanding myself a bit better.

Anger

Today I packed away my white shirts. I never really liked white shirts but for church, it was the standard and requested uniform. I’m not that particularly interested in conforming, but it was just easier for me to handle my wardrobe. When I was a temple worker, I had to wear white and I didn’t see a need to diversify my church clothing. I had in the past worn blue shirts, my preferred color, to church to make sure I wasn’t asked to do certain things within the service. It isn’t that I was afraid of doing it, I just didn’t want to be bothered. You know how it is. At church, I wanted to keep a low profile. With my leaving church, I don’t really have a reason to have these shirts in my closet. I’m not sure what I’ll do with them, but I don’t need the clutter.

Which brings me to the topic at hand, anger. The last 5 years have been transformational in my views of the world. It started one way, and ended another. Perhaps your last 5 years have been more routine. I kind of wish mine was. You see, I’m not an angry person. I rather pride myself in being of even temper. I do get rattled at times but not often. I do have one caveat. I was a big talk-radio fan. I listened to it habitually. At times, that made me angry. I no longer listen as I don't need that in my life anymore.

Now, before I go into details here, I want to let you know that this isn’t completely about my exit from the church. I do have a blog about that but it is written under a pseudonym that I used when I was hitting the religious boards. If you want to read that, you can ask me for the address.

About 15 years ago I connected to the internet and I started reading a few religious boards. I remember downloading “The Nauvoo Expositor” from some site to see what it was exactly that got Joseph Smith killed. After reading it, I thought, “Well, there isn’t anything false in this.” But I didn’t take it any further. Fast forward a few years and after reading extensively about the Atonement, I was facing a dilemma on what I really believed. My world started crashing in, albeit slowly, around me. In one of my readings, I was challenged about why we prejudice our view of history. So, I began to look at the history of my church, initially with historians that were also members. There were some disturbing things that started to come out of this investigation. The sources were credible. They were corroborated with other sources. My faith was being destroyed by the actions of the men and women that gave it foundation.

Now, you can go round and round with trusting the arm of flesh, but these were the people that started it. They weren’t being truthful or moral. When that happens, where then can your trust lie? Do you believe only certain things they say? Which ones do you trust? How do you navigate around the lies to find what you want truth to be? Most of the things that destroyed my faith and trust have been recently admitted by the church. http://www.mormonessays.com/, These essays are found on the church website. I know a lot more about the history behind these essays, and some of them are written with some obfuscation in them. If you want my opinion on them, I am open for questions.

The big things.

The First Vision. This actually wasn’t a thing until 1832 in Joseph Smith’s history. That was one version. The version taught in church wasn’t written down until 1838 and wasn’t published to the church until 1842 (Until then, the First Vision simply had never occurred). The 4 versions written during Joseph’s lifetime differed in detail and story. What we have written in other autobiographies about the event, like Lucy Mack Smith’s, was inserted later to comply with later church teachings.

The Book of Mormon was written not by using the plates, but by looking at a stone in a hat. This was the same method Joseph used to find buried treasure. Do I really believe in translating stones that have words appear on them. No. See, once you realize the absurdity of it, it falls apart. Also, Martin Harris stated in the Kirtland temple that none of the witnesses actually saw the plates uncovered or physically. About half the apostles left after this information was delivered to them.

The Book of Abraham was not translated from the papyrus in Joseph’s possession. It doesn’t say anything about Abraham. His translation of it is demonstrably false. The papyri is about Hor, an Egyptian priest, and his trip through the afterlife. Nothing at all to do with Abraham. The specific translations that Joseph provided in the figures are incorrect, completely incorrect.

Polygamy. Yes, I knew Joseph was polygamous. However, the details are so darn disturbing, and the culture that accepted it I determined was going to be harmful to my sons and daughters so I gave it extra attention. He married 2 fourteen year old girls. He was 37 at the time. Do you know how creepy that is? Did you know that other presidents of the church, in their 50s, married girls in their teens? Did you know that working in Joseph’s house as a teen girl or having your husband away on a mission (that Joseph sent them on) was a good precursor to having Joseph end up in your bed? He married other men’s wives. It caused no end of grief. He tried it with William Law’s wife and she said no. Then he proposed a wife swap with them and that was the end of the Laws’ membership in the church. William Law wanted others to know what was going on. This eventually led to Joseph’s imprisonment and death by mob. They don’t talk to you about the details, just that an anti-mormon publication was destroyed for the public good.

Priesthood. No indication prior to 1835 to any kind of ordination from Peter, James or John. It was proposed by Joseph after an authority crisis in Kirtland and Missouri. This is why David Whitmer left the church, as in all his time, Joseph never mentioned anything like that happening. He felt lied to and betrayed.

This is why I sometimes feel so angry. In a time where I needed acceptance, the church was there to provide it. Then, it filled me full of wrong information. The correct information was available, it just wasn’t useful to it. They could have told me that all that anti-mormon literature was actually the truth. That knowledge was available. It was available and they didn't tell me. They didn't tell us.

They could have told me that all those interviews I suffered as a teen were unnecessary, that there wasn’t any shame for being a passionate, loving, emotional, sexual person. No, instead they pumped shame and embarrassment into me that lasted until I was 46 years old! Only when this was going to really start in high gear with my children did I become verbal and try and prevent the same from happening to them.

I work upon gratitude. Because of the church, I was at a great school that I thoroughly enjoyed. I met friends that I love to this day, more than my own life. In order to show my gratitude, I decided to go on a mission. It was the hardest decision of my life. I would be leaving all that I was grateful for. What then began was a two year hell for me. I’m not a salesman. I couldn’t transition the love that I had for my family, friends and god into high pressure sales. I had a nervous breakdown. They wanted me to not complete my mission because I was a nervous wreck. I fought, no, plead to stay because I knew the culture the church fostered. I felt that my friends would desert me, no chance in romance ever occurring, and my school might not accept me back. My life was now wrapped up in completing this. I did my best as a preacher, a preacher of a book that if I was honest, I would admit that it was intellectually embarrassing to me. As I tried to cope with my feelings of never ending failure that filtered into my mind with every district, zone and mission conference, I became a jerk, trying to fit in as much as I could. In the process, I was submarining every relationship that I loved. In the depths of my emotional despair, when I should have come home in what I felt would be disgrace, I decided to remain my last year, working with my emotional wreckage away from everyone I cared about. They didn’t need to see me in the state I was in.

So I finished and came home. I didn’t talk about it for over 2 decades. Why?  I didn't want to be reminded of my failure. The church doesn’t want to hear about failure. Members don't want to hear about failure. My negative experience might turn someone against going on a mission. I buried my failures deep down, never discussing them.

 After 3 decades of trying to fit in, trying to find some support with the doctrine, scriptures, and history of the church that was the focus of my life, I decided I no longer could do this. My investigations simply said it wasn’t what it claimed to be. In my ever increasing honesty with myself and my friends, I told my wife of my struggles. One by one, it all started coming out, and my frustrations all bubbled to the surface. In the moment of greatest honesty, my wife and I had the hardest times yet in our marriage. I was telling my wife that I no longer believed, and what she heard, what the church had taught her to hear, was that if she stayed with me, she wouldn’t go to heaven, or would have to go there with someone else. Her world, the world the church built for her, came crashing down. Because of what the church taught her, I was destroying her life, her reason for existence. I was destroying her marriage, her family, her hopes and her dreams, her salvation. (I want to add, as my wife no longer attends church either, that she did not leave because I did. This is something that we worked out together, and what we agreed to. I would have supported her in whatever her endeavors were and are.)

No one deserves that kind of pain. No one. All because the institution I trusted to tell me the truth decided some truth wasn’t that helpful to its existence.

This is why I get angry.

Read, learn, dig deeper. Find out both sides of the story.

http://mormonessays.com/
http://mormonthink.com/ (They have a very good response to the Chruch's essay on polygamy here.)

Well, it’s out now. The church has admitted to some of it, but leaving a lot of the detail out, There is still a lot of falsehoods in their essays, but at least they came out about some of it.

Now, that isn’t to say good things didn’t happen in my life because of the church. I met people I love to this day while a member in good standing. My best friends. My wife. My family was assisted by the church. I don’t want to seem belittling of the faith they have or the good they do. However, reality is better. It may be harsher, not as pleasant, but it is reality. Living the truth is better than living a lie.

That’s it for now.