Regrets

I find writing very cathartic. It has taken up a good majority of my time this past year. I have written many and sent fewer letters to friends over the past year and perhaps I should put the year into perspective. This is an awfully self-centered post considering what some of my friends have gone through. I apologize in advance.

I have been, and so have some the people I care about, through an emotional year. For me, it has been a rough 3 years. I’m passing through what some may call a mid-life crisis. I’ve re-evaluated what my life has been and where I want it to go. I have the normal constraints. I have a wife, family, job, home that I have to consider.  My introspection has been unusually honest for me. I might want to put my thoughts in relation to a recent article “Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”

1.       I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I’m not sure how to express this in my own life. While at the time I felt I was living true to myself, I realize that much of the time I wasn’t. About the only time growing up that I truly felt that I was doing this was when I was in the process of trying out for the Naval Academy. I really didn’t want to go. Yes, I knew it was an honor, but I really didn’t want to go. I have always had a trouble with authority and at that point in my life, it wouldn’t have ended well. Instead, I went to a religious school. I didn’t go from some fanatical devotion, but to escape what my brother had gone through at a state college. I wanted to study and learn. I didn’t want to worry about my roommate coming in drunk or all the associated falderal. It also didn’t hurt that I had exceptional test scores and I could have gone to almost any school in the country.

I’m more reticent about my mission. I think it did more harm than help. It came at a rough time in my life and the added pressures pushed me over the edge. In many ways, I am thankful that I went, but in others, not so much. I’ve spent a great deal of my life coming to terms with all that happened to me in those two short years. Yes, I learned a lot about myself, but they were parts of myself that I wish I never knew.

I can’t say that I have a lot of regrets about my life after that. I met and married a wonderful woman. We received a great education and master’s degrees. I have a good job, and a great family. I mostly wish I was more vocal about certain elements of my life, and being a bit more open and honest with those around me.

2.       I wish I didn’t work so hard.

I’m not so sure if this applies to me. I like working. I like the challenge of learning new things and solving new problems. What I wish is that I didn’t worry so much. That is what I really would like to say here.

3.       I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

I am really, really trying to get over this. I don’t want this to be one of my regrets. I know it may be disconcerting to many of my friends if I express just how much I care for them and how much they have affected my life. I’m getting to the age where I don’t really care what people think of me. If I care, I care.  I’m overcoming the fear of telling people that. Growing up, I lived in a very reserved family. I can see some friendships and opportunities that have slipped by because I was so reserved. I’ve let people assume I believe certain things because I didn’t express myself. I’ve struggled in other ways because I wasn’t vocal with my concerns and my impressions. I am a very emotional person, and not expressing myself has had a detrimental effect on me and my relationships. I realize that now. I’m changing it. In regards to item #1, this means I might be taking different paths than I have in the past, but I cannot bear the thought of going to my grave with what might have been. I may need to do some course correction, and I’ll be honest and truthful about the path that I take.

4.       I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Thank God for the internet and facebook. It has let me contact most of my friends and let me stay in somewhat good touch with them. I know I bond hard, perhaps too hard. But I’m here. If anyone wants to talk…I’m here.

5.       I wish that I had let myself be happier

I do need help with this, and I think I’m getting better. I like my life. I don’t really have anything to complain about. I have a good sense of humor and a good set of friends. I sometimes wish, well, I always wish that I lived in a different state than where I currently live, but other than that, I have a damn good life.

Tracy and I spoke last night about regrets. There were the constant ones, like travel and job location. Still, we’ve had a lot of opportunities. We worked hard to get a higher education. Later life adoptions and family have us a bit more tied down at this point in our life than others, but I wouldn’t trade my family.  We may get the chance to do things later in life, or when the kids are a bit more independent.  If not, meh. I only have one shot at this, and I am giving it my all. Sometimes my all is sitting in front of the TV watching my son play video games. That is where I’m at in my life.