Divorce

Divorce

 

No, I’m not planning one. I just think about the concept occasionally, as some of my own relationships have nose-dived. It also helps when my wife does marriage counseling for a profession.

 

So, my main thing is when somebody thinks this is a good idea? I know you can’t control the other person in a marriage but I just can’t fathom wanting to go through that. I am at a real loss of words here, so please bear with me. My wife told me that I’m much too introspective to have this happen so I can only look at this from the outside.

 

I disliked dating. I was no good at it. I view myself as a complete klutz at relationships and the prospect of leaving one perfectly good woman for the quest of finding another is too daunting and too difficult for me to contemplate. Why would I ever want to do that? Especially now, when I’m overweight, balding, and about as adventurous as watching paint dry? I don’t want to go through my life on this earth alone, so going solo would be out of the question.

 

The kids. My kids would be absolutely devastated. I couldn’t bear doing that to them. I also couldn’t suddenly start using them as some sort of pawns in a custody battle. Good night, I don’t want to screw up anyone like that.

 

My wife as the enemy. I know some divorces don’t have this little wrinkle, but all in all, my life with Tracy has been pretty good. We’ve gone through a lot together. She’s my best friend, confidant. There isn’t much that I’m uncomfortable discussing with her. Of course, I think that in a marriage, that is what is needed, so I’d probably be that way no matter who I married. Still, what would happen to my psyche if I started to view her as the enemy? I can’t imagine what kind of damage that would do to me. What it would do to her…don’t care, she’s the enemy, remember?

 

Now, I realize that sometimes you can’t help it. As Tracy once commented, you can’t control when the other person is a jerk. I’ll give you that. I would hope that jerkdom could be determined before the sealer says “Amen” (mormon lingo), but I guess it sometimes can’t. Tracy had a relationship with a jerk once, or so she says. She’s better at telling that story than I am anyway. I guess jerks hide their jerkdom in many ways. They say the right things at the right time. They play on your emotions, work the system, so to speak. Tracy says that I don’t have the disposition to be a jerk. I’m too willing to repent and change. I don’t hide behind a façade of acceptability. I am just me. God help us all.

 

That isn’t to say I didn’t have brushes with jerkdom or sometimes deserve the title. I did crash and burn once but in my defense, I was fighting off a prolonged depression (madder than a hatter) and couldn’t really change my situation. I had to embrace my jerkdom, repent, and overcome it. By the time I came out of it, situations had changed and I could go back to my adorable self. My breakups with those I dated might qualify me for jerkdom, but how do you do that and not appear to be one? Marriage is a much more serious situation.

 

Still, the confusion and wake of other’s divorces affect me, even though I’m far from the events. Who do I side with? What happened (not to the point of gossip, I really just want to see if I’m guilty of some fault and purge it)?

 

So, I stand on the sidelines and wonder. Why would people do this? I don’t understand it. I’m an engineer. I practice the art of approximation, the art of making it work. I figure I probably will never understand it.