Things You'ld like to hear in general conference

http://www.mormonapologetics.org/topic/44641-pet-peeves-in-general-conference/page__st__40

From Various authors:

"As anyone who has ever been hit in the crotch with a golf club can tell you..."

"You know what I don't like about red onions?"

"I've entitled my remarks for this afternoon 'The Catheter of Repentance'."

"I've always been intrigued about how the digestive process will work in the eternities..."

"There's a story about my wife that she made me promise to never tell anybody, and it goes like this..."

"When potty training children..." (of course given by a member of the Relief Society Presidency)

"What the heck? That's not my talk coming up on the teleprompter"

"In the New World Translation of the Bible, Jesus says..."

"Death haunts all of us; as soon as you're born you start dying."

"Jesus Christ decided to personally today so I'll yield my time to him."

"You may think that temples aren't designed to fly into space to escape the wrath to be poured out upon the Earth but you're wrong.

"Some of you may be called upon one day to subdue an attacker using only Priesthood power so I thought it would be fair to tell you how it is done.


"I'd like to describe a vision I had today."

"The following people are complete knuckleheads, in no particular order..."

"As I'm sure you are all aware, my goiter has only grown since last we met..."

"I really really really really really really really loves me some freakin' Jello."

"Hotdiggitylookatthiscrowd. RedBullisn'tmentionedintheWordofWisdomsoI'vebeendrinkingRedBullforawhileandnowI'mafraidifIsleepI'lldie."

"Many thought I wouldn't live long enough to speak in Conference again. Well, here I am. Suck it, losers."

The Land of Opportunity

 

I’ve had the good fortune to meet people from lots of different places around the world: Mexico, Canada, China, The Philippines, England, and Africa. Two of my children were adopted from Guatemala, made possible because of the desperate economic conditions in that country. I ask each person I meet who has left their home to come to America “What made you decide on America?” I wonder why they didn’t choose another western, progressive country? It seems that they all chose The United States because of the opportunities we have here. What kinds of opportunities are the talking about? The opportunity to take care of themselves. The opportunity to find a means of supporting themselves and making a better life for their families. Not one of these people has mentioned that they came here because of our kick butt welfare system or because our new president wants to facilitate change. They seem happy with the way things are done here.

I’ve only ever run across one person who resented being here in the US. He was 16 years old and his family had moved to Southern Utah from South Africa. He was constantly making negative comments about the US and was quick to share what he thought was wrong with our country. One day, a school teacher had had enough and said to him “If you hate America so badly, then go home to South Africa - we don’t need you here.”

My point? For all of the people around the world that don’t like the United States of America I believe that there are many more who still see us as the “Land of Opportunity” and are indeed clamoring to come and make a life here, legally or illegally.

A great story about church correlation

http://bycommonconsent.com/2009/07/14/what-should-you-do-when-the-lesson-manual-is-wrong/

Having, some time back, served on the Gospel Doctrine writing committee of the Church for nearly ten years, I would never, ever, take a Gospel Doctrine manual to be an official and binding declaration of Church doctrine. We tried to get things right, we prayed about our work, and what we did was reviewed in Salt Lake before publication, but it scarcely constituted scripture.

 A story:

 Once, the scriptural selection about which I was
 assigned to write a
 lesson included, among other things, Acts 20:7-12,
 in which the
 apostle Paul drones on for so long in the course of
 a sermon that a
 young man (ironically named Eutychus or “Fortunate”)
 dozes off and
 falls from the rafters. Paul has to restore him to
 life. As a joke, I
 inserted a passage in my lesson manuscript that read
 somewhat along
 the following lines:

 “Have a class member read Acts 20:7-12. Have you
 ever killed anyone
 with a sacrament meeting speech? How did it make
 you feel? What
 steps can you take in the future to ensure that it
 does not happen again?”

 Members of the committee laughed, and the committee
 chairman sent my
 lesson on up, incorporating their suggested
 revisions but also still
 including my little joke, to Salt Lake City. Where
 it passed
 Correlation. (I can only assume that each member of
 the committee
 chuckled and then passed it on, expecting that
 somebody else would
 remove it.) When I received the galleys of the
 lesson back for final
 approval just before it went to press, the joke was
 still there. I
 faced one of the greatest moral crises of my life,
 but finally called
 Church headquarters and suggested that they probably
 didn’t really
 want the lesson to go out to Church members entirely
 as it stood. So
 the joke was removed.

 The point being that Gospel Doctrine manuals are not
 to be confused
 with authoritative divine revelations.

Festival of Colors

Anyone that knows me knows that I have an interest in hinduism. This comes mainly from my listening to KHQN while I went to BYU. I found this on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBy_1PSjvWc

I wish they did this when I was there.

Where does this go?