Striking Matches

Many years ago, in an attempt to understand myself a bit more, I wanted to write something about Love, or maybe my own ideation of the emotion. The more I thought about it, and other events pressing in my life, I abandoned the attempt. Perhaps I'm undertaking it again. I want to be more transparent in my life. Perhaps my friends and family can take something away from my life other than what is presented to them otherwise. I'm really far from impressive. Plus, I've learned to become comfortable with my own failings. I guess I'm weird that way.

Without a whole lot of personal experience, I do what a lot of people have done throughout history, and look at what popular media have to say about the thing. In times past, perhaps a poet or traveler might have provided perspective. I turned to music. I think that is probably true of a lot of people in the past century. I'm not unique. Music, in terms of lyrics, is just poetry. I didn't realize that fully at the time. Still, it is what I had to work with. I knew from an early age that I wanted to be with someone I could dedicate my life to. Turns out, finding that person is sometimes hard to do, with yourself being your worst enemy. Maybe more on that later. I know I sucked at what I really wanted, and I needed someone with patience to work it out with me. Heck, I still haven't made it.

In 1988, I had come back from my mission. I had changed a lot, I think, from who I was. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be better, far better, than what I was. I know I picked up a lot of new quirks and my approach to a lot of things was quite different. Overcoming crushing depression can change a person.

So last week I was tooling around my Google music subscription and I found one of my favorite albums of that time. As I listened to it, I realized how much the album affected me at the time. Was it the source of a lot of my thoughts about love and relationships? Nope. But it had significant take-aways. There was a song called "Prisoner" that reinforced that your partner is their own person, that they need to be able to grow and flourish the way they want. That having your partner being only the thing you orbit isn't healthy.

What struck me that day was a song that is more of a ditty, a musing, if you will. Not the best song on the album, but sometimes things impress you when you aren't expecting it.

Striking matches and I'm smoking cigarettes
Putting on the kettle, playing a cassette
Folding up the papers rubbing my eyes
Thinking of all that had happened last night
The passion, the feelings that soaked in her love
And the pools of silence when kisses were strung
Her love levitates me, I'm walking on air
Two feet from the carpet, I'll always be there

Oh I'm striking matches it's morning again
I look in the mirror, I still look the same
I'm striking matches it's morning again
I look in the mirror, I go up in flames

Striking matches, getting a flame on the stove
There's some of her hair in the teeth of my comb
Dirty clothes piled up on the bathroom floor
She's silently sleeping, I half close the door
I see her beauty laying on my bed
I'm warm from within me with what she has said
Her love is my balloon, I won't let it down
For ever and ever I'll always be proud.

I'm a director casting for a part
(turn on the light)
It's for a soap set here right in my heart.
(leave her alone)
Shuffle to the window, shuffle to the door
(don't wake her up)
She gets the part. I don't need to see anymore
(unplug the phone)

(background in chorus. Some are unintelligable.)
I know you love me because you say it so clear.
I know I love you 'cause I'm watching my weight.
I'm striking matches with explosives so near.


Pride, desire, warmth, elevation, the joy of just seeing her. This is a good song. As with many Squeeze songs, there's also an element of humor. I'm glad that I stumbled upon it. I'm perhaps not so glad that it made me think about it so much over the past week and a half.

BYU @ Marquette

Yet another travelogue. You don’t have to read it.

I became a fan of Volleyball at some point in my college years. The games were free if you were a student. I went as more of a “Let’s see what this is about.” I became so fascinated by the reflexes of the women playing that I probably just stared a lot. I’ve never seen anything like it. It was almost a dance, the way the players moved around and were so focused on what they were doing. I also learned that taking dates to volleyball was a cheap way to spend the evening. Being a poor college student made you creative.

Now that I’m older and have some disposable cash, I have a ritual to this, my favorite time of the year. My tastes have since expanded to Women’s soccer, having watched an extraordinary year of BYU’s team again. So I wait for the year’s schedules to come out. I want to time the subscriptions to sports channels with the finals so I make sure to get them in...and not a day longer. Those come out around August 1st. I also contemplate travel. Last year or the year before, I missed a game of BYU that sounded incredible at Ohio State. If they play that close to me, I want to go. Well, I was surprised to find out that BYU was going to play a tournament at Marquette University in Milwaukee. There was no way I wasn’t going to go. Three games.

After finding out how to purchase tickets and waiting for the box office to open for Marquette games, I made the call. It was a somewhat frustrating event as the woman on the other side of the line didn’t have the schedule and seemed mystified that I wanted to buy tickets for games that Marquette wasn’t a player. It eventually came down to that the other games were free and I only had to buy the tickets to the Marquette games. So I had convinced Tracy that she needed to take the day off with me and watch three volleyball games away from the demands of parenthood. That was kind of a challenge, but she came with. Friday, two games with BYU and those were free. One game with Marquette and USC. That I had to pay for. $10 total. Pfft. I also planned to be there solo on Saturday so I bought the $5 ticket to BYU vs Marquette.

The things that Tracy does for the kids are highlighted whenever we make plans for ourselves. Lots of things had to be scheduled. The little things that Tracy does for others also came into play. In any case, at one point earlier in the week, she told me, “I’m really looking forward to going to the games with you.” That did some remarkable things with me. I always think the things I do for fun are highly annoying to others. It is a guilt that I don’t know why I have it. I think it is a universal thing. Guilt for enjoying yourself. In any case, I like watching women slam volleyballs into the ground and the cheers they make to show how excited they are to accomplish it.

August 7, 2018

So Tracy and I left around 7am and headed north. Nothing of note other than noticing one of the rivers being high. I then looked at the map and discovered that the river was the Fox River so that water would be traveling by us in Elgin eventually. We had the normal “What exit?” moments and let me tell you, the interchanges in Milwaukee are epic. Go ahead, look at Google Maps. It will amaze you. In any case, we found the parking garage, made note of how we pay, and made our way to the arena. 

Intros:

And the inevitable win.

After the first game, Tracy and I headed out to explore. While we were heading towards the chapel, the Sycamore team walked by us. They towered over us. Make no mistake, these women are tall. We didn’t get to see the high church, so that was anticlimactic. We found a map for the campus and a helpful woman stopped and told us where the student union was. We were mainly looking for a place to buy knick-knacks. We did find it. And they were not cheap. So Marquette University didn’t get any money at that place from us. We then found a Quizno’s to eat at. I asked the parking attendant at the west structure if this was the structure I should park at. I had found a cryptic webpage and it intimated that the west structure is where we should park motorcycles, and I intended to ride my bike the next day.

After we moved around a bit back onto the south part of campus, we happened upon something out of the middle ages. So we walked around and found out, yep, this was a church from France that was built in the middle ages. There was a statue of Joan of Arc hiding behind one of the bushes. 

We also found a strange sculpture of Father Marquette. I’m not sure if he had short legs or the sculptor just couldn’t do legs. In the same area was someone wearing a red something. I saw a sign later that talked about a blood drive, and that made a bit more sense. A walking blood drop.

Then we sat. We found a place and sat and talked for a couple of hours. BYU would be playing Syracuse, and there were introductions

And the inevitable win

Afterwards, the Marquette game against USC. It was close to a full house. Well, it was until the half. The students, as a body, got up, went somewhere for pizza, because some of them had pizza, and they left. Not sure what all that was about. 

It went to five sets. We left at the end of the fourth. It just didn’t do it for us. The band and the announcer were very loud. After every point that the home team scored, the announcer would bellow, “Point Marquette!!” and the students would echo, and so would the drumline.

August 8, 2018

The next morning, I packed my things and got the bike on the road. It was a fairly uneventful ride. I knew where to go. Once I got into Wisconsin, I noted something that we have seen up there. When the road is under construction, they kind of hide the towns that the road goes to. They don’t really tell you a detour, they just block out the names on the signs. While I like the idea of them just shutting down the road to make repairs, I think it odd that the towns just disappear from the collective knowledge of the state.

I pulled into the west parking structure and waited for the attendant to open the gate. She clicked away at the computer, and eventually slid the window to the side. “Do you have a permit?” “No, the woman yesterday told me to stop here to be let in.” “Oh, well you won’t trigger a ticket. Can you back your bike up and go around the other gate? Go around it when you leave too. Motorcycles don’t work on our system. I think that’s why some gates are so short.”

Alrighty. Backing up the bike with sidebags isn’t exactly my idea of a good time, but I got around the other gate and parked on the 2nd level. I had to change my clothes a bit to make it easy to walk around. I went to the USC and Syracuse game. It was clear that USC did not want to lose all their games there. It went to 5, I believe. USC won. A quick trip to Burger King and I was back for the BYU game. 

The intros:

Aaaaannnnddd the win:

A nice ride in the dark back home. It was a fantastic weekend.

At least for me.

Of Molds and Men

I'm not a good gardener. I don't like dirt. It is one reason I'm an engineer. No real dirt involved. I am good at thinking about particular subjects. Plants are not one of them. Because of this, my neighbors have to deal with my less than spectacular house. Honestly, it isn't a forte of my wife either. On top of that, we're too cheap to pay someone to do it for us. They'd have to be better at it than us. I will be forthright, when it comes to selling this place, yeah, we're gonna get someone to "fix" it for us.

In years past, yes, we did pay for some yard work. They came by every month, sprayed stuff, and our lawn did benefit. Well, the front really benefitted from that attention. I've never really had a problem in the backyard. When they fertilized the backyard, it made a hard to work with situation even worse. The grass grows like crazy back there. On top of that, it is also very wet in the first half of the year. As a consequence, it gets to be a mess. I have to mow with the highest soled shoes I have, as I don't have a good pair of boots for the task.  The lawnmower complains about being overworked. The grass clippings accumulate as I hope for the sun to dry it out and make it manageable.

So the past few years, we've stopped the lawn service. The crabgrass has come back. Weeds are just once again gaining a foothold. No problem. There are some things I feel adequate to work with. I can control the weeds. I can put stuff in the trees to keep the Japanese Beetles away. I can pull some weeds out of the overgrown flower beds.

Well, this year, Tracy complained about the ants. So I've been occasionally spreading insecticide around the house. Not the whole yard. Just the house. Well, I am also aware that we have a problem with cutworms around here, and I saw some tell-tale signs of cutworms; little circular bare spots. So I spread some insecticide around the spots that have been a problem in the past.

Fast forward a week or so, and the spots became more pronounced. They were spreading. What? So I bought some more insecticide, spread it over the front and side yards. It was so dry that I was worried I was stressing the yard out more. Also, I hadn't been mowing, as the grass just wasn't growing very quickly. But I did notice a few things that were odd. The grass was dying, or dead, but the dead spots seemed to be the same height as the green grass around it. The cutworms in the past died...but the spots seemed to spread. In fact, after some time, the dead spots seemed to follow where I spread the insecticide I spread. Was the stuff bad? I've never had a problem with the stuff before...

Then one morning, and it was fairly damp as the humidity was in full force the past few days, I went out to get the motorcycle out for my trip into work. I looked over the dew-soaked grass.....and it was white. White? Surely this was a trick of the eye. No, it was white. Spider webs? I mean, I know the dew shows all the spider webs and the fact that I hadn't mowed...maybe we are just up to our eyes in spiders. I went over to the grass to take a closer look. Yes, all the dead spots were white. It kind of looked like webs....but no. It was all spikey. Holy crud, what is that stuff? Some new kind of bug? Why didn't the insecticide kill it? Fuzzy...Oh man, this is some kind of mold or fungus. How did this happen? Why just my yard? The others don't have it. Why is it just where I spread the stuff? Is there mold on the insecticide?

So I did a few internet searches. Yep. Fungus of some sort. Most just said that there isn't anything you can do about it, that it comes out when it is humid and it will go away. Good. And we'll see. I already told Tracy that I was afraid that I killed the lawn this year, thinking that the insecticide was too strong and it was killing all the grass...or that maybe there was a problem and I was spreading grass killer instead.

We are a few weeks removed. No Japanese Beetles to speak of. The lawn has recovered. It is green again. It is in its normal "I suck for a lawn" mode that it has been since we moved in. Life goes on. We still might get a lawn service next year. We just aren't good at this aspect of ownership.

Good Morning.

A coworker, who spent a long night inputting data only to be told in the morning that it wasn't needed anymore, sure did get laugh out of this. Probably lack of sleep.
NSFW, and I do understand the irony.

Are You a Sociopath?

From an internet thread:

Hello, it's your friendly neighborhood immigration attorney here to give you what you need to win all of your social media debates with the estimated 1/3 of the U.S. population which still actively supports their government in the kidnapping, torture, and legal orphaning of small children. (Adapted and expanded from a Twitter thread I did over the weekend.)

1/ "THEIR PARENTS BROKE THE LAW"
(A) Like every federal statute, illegal entry has *never* (until last month) been criminally enforced 100% against everyone all of the time
(B) Per international law, asylum seekers are not supposed to be criminally prosecuted
(C) Even if they cross an invisible line on a map
(D) You probably committed three federal misdemeanors today before lunch
(E) So did Paul Manafort, who engaged in actual witness tampering *while out on bail for a far more serious suite of major felonies* and didn't I just see you posting last week that he got a raw deal?
(F) You are a sociopath***

2/ "WE DON'T LET OTHER KINDS OF LAWBREAKERS STAY WITH THEIR CHILDREN"
(A) Our carceral state imprisons everyone as the unisized solution to everything from drug addiction to homicide.
(B) That's not a *good* thing
(C) There are alternatives to detention for immigrants in deportation proceedings, and they were working just fine before this
(D) You are a sociopath

3/ "OBAMA DID IT TOO"
(A) No, he didn't
(B) No, he didn't
(C) No, he didn't
(D) No, he didn't
(E) No, he didn't
(F) No, he didn't
(G) No, he didn't
(H) No, he didn't
(I) No, he didn't
(J) No, he didn't
(K) No, he didn't
(L) No, he didn't
(M) Yes, he did some pretty bad things (even to migrant kids), and there's a universe of possibility to his left on immigration issues
(N) Seriously, I promise he didn't do this
(O) For real, he actually didn't
(P) Also, it couldn't be more obvious that you don't care if *anyone* has ever done this objectively awful thing and that you're just going in for a particularly sociopathic round of whataboutism here, which reminds me did I ever mention that
(Q) You are a sociopath

4/ "THE DEMOCRATS MADE THE LAW, TRUMP HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO ENFORCE IT"
(A) Cool. What law?
(B) How does it work?
(C) Are you talking about Flores v. Reno, because that's a judicial order to *keep families together*
(D) Are you talking about the TVPRA, because that was Bush and also you're wrong
(E) What we're actually talking about is 8 USC 1325(b), the misdemeanor illegal entry statute which Jeff Sessions has now required all federal prosecutors to charge in 100% of cases, and that's been around for going on 100 years but, like most federal criminal statutes, barely charged ever for first-time offenders
(F) You are a sociopath

5/ "DEMOCRATS COULD STOP TRUMP WITH A NEW LAW"
(A) That's abuser logic
(B) You're standing by (and, implicitly, behind) a horrific negotiation tactic which is causing permanent trauma to thousands of children for life for political gain
(C) Not one Congressional Republican will agree to sign off on a simple fix which would keep these families together
(D) Trump wants to blow up the entire immigration system by ending *nearly all family visas* (among other horrible stuff) and is literally holding children hostage to get what he wants
(E) You are a sociopath

6/ "HEY, WE ALL REMEMBER THAT PICTURE OF ELIAN GONZALEZ IN A CLOSET WITH A GUN TO HIS HEAD DON'T WE? WASN'T THAT YOUR BOY BILL CLINTON?"
(A) That was awful
(B) But done in the name of *keeping a family together*
(C) Bill Clinton was bad; Janet Reno was worse
(D) You are a sociopath

7/ "THE GOVERNMENT DOES OTHER THINGS THAT SEPARATE PEOPLE FROM THEIR CHILDREN"
(A) Those things are also bad
(B) You are a sociopath

8/ JEFF SESSIONS IS CARRYING OUT GOD'S LAW
(A) So it turns out we don't live in a theocracy (yet)
(B) Sessions specifically cited Romans 13:1, which was also used by German Nazi-sympathizing Christians against Nazi-opposing Christians
(C) And slaveowners
(D) The rest of Romans 13 isn't so good for your argument, have you ever actually read it or
(E) You are a sociopath

9/ "WE HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS OF OUR OWN"
(A) We sure do!
(B) Trump is actively doing everything possible to make every one of them worse
(C) They're fleeing for their lives
(D) US has a moral debt to #CentralAmerica after 150 yrs of military, economic, and political interference
(E) Turns out we can aid refugee kids *and* homeless vets, what a country
(F) You are a sociopath

10/ "THEY SHOULD HAVE COME THE RIGHT WAY"
(A) Tell me more, how does that work
(B) Very cool, you're wrong
(C) No, for real: learn how our system works
(D) THERE IS NO LINE
(E) What would you do if you had to choose between watching your kids die & crossing an invisible line on a map
F) You are a sociopath

11/"THEY SHOULD COME AT PORTS OF ENTRY OR OTHER LOCATIONS DESIGNATED BY THE ATTORNEY GENERAL"
(A) Did you know the phrase "port of entry" before last week?
(B) Asylum claims at POEs are being intentionally limited to a point that people are now being forced over the border
(C) This is an intentional tactic to manufacture a crisis and declare war on asylum seekers so that Trump and Congressional Republicans can justify pushing the worst possible legislation and call it "immigration reform"
(D) Hard-right "populist" government in Hungary did exactly the same thing for the same reason
(E) You are a sociopath

12/ "100% OF PARENTS WHO STAY IN THEIR HOME COUNTRIES GET TO STAY WITH THEIR KIDS"
(A) Might want to check your math there
(B) El Salvador & Honduras trade off each year as the world's murder capitals
(C) Being murdered separates parents from kids
(D) You are a sociopath

13/ "WHY DON'T THEY CLAIM ASYLUM IN MEXICO?"
(A) Mexico is not legally a "safe third country" for asylum purposes
(B) Same gangs operate with impunity there, easy to find anyone they want
(C) The Mexican asylum system is overloaded right now
(D) The US has a moral debt to #CentralAmerica after 150 yrs of military, economic, & political interference
(E) You are a sociopath

14/ "WHY DON'T THEY STAY AND FIX THEIR OWN COUNTRIES?"
(A) You are a sociopath

15/ "THERE IS A CRISIS ON THE BORDER"
(A) Only the one that Sessions/Trump have intentionally manufactured
(B) Border crossings at their lowest in 40 years, a relative trickle now
(C) Private prisons spent a lot on Trump's campaign, and their stock did *very* well after the inauguration; this is very obvious ROI
(D) Mexicans are no longer coming, most of what we're seeing now is direct result of a sociopolitical crisis in Central America for which our country bears direct moral responsibility
(E) You are a sociopath

16/ "BAHAHA!1!! *TRIGGERED* MUCH, SNOWFLAKE?"
(A) Knowing that thousands of children are being permanently traumatized & legally orphaned with my tax dollars in my name just so that Trump can get $130 billion for unnecessary border security?
(B) Yeah. I'm upset
(C) Also angry
(D) Don't *ever* mistake my kindness for weakness
(E) You are the *worst* kind of sociopath

Ugly Romance

I recently watched a youtube show about why people date ugly women. It was specifically pointed towards foreigners and Chinese women because that is the culture they are in at present.

I have a few thoughts. They mentioned that when you are new to an area, you might not know what the local "standards" of beauty are. I thought that was somewhat insightful. When left to your own discretion, who knows what kind of trouble you can get into.

What I really fixated on was their discussion of the "exotic" nature of people from a different culture. Let me add that upon first hearing this theory, I dismissed it. But as my want of deeper understanding of myself burrowed into my thought process, I realized that it played a huge, well, still plays a huge role in my life.

My first real dating happened when I got to college. The first girl that I dated regularly was from Florida. Now that wasn't that exotic but it was different. I don't recall ever asking her much about her home life as that really didn't interest me at the time. My biggest take away and the reason I ultimately broke up with her was that she reminded me of my mother. Nothing against my Mother. I love her greatly, but it wasn't what I was looking for when I dated. I wanted something different.

The next girl was from Arizona. Arizona wasn't that much of a mystery to me, as I'd visited my brother in Tucson several times. Indeed, my opinion of the desert wasn't all that high. Still, there was an adventurous spirit there that attracted me. It was just the beginning of my understanding of myself and what I really wanted in a relationship.

Mission. Disaster. Moving on. At least I had time to think about who I was and what I wanted.

After I returned, I dated a few girls from Utah. Nothing really materialized from it. By then I knew I was looking for someone that was strongly independent and adventurous. I didn't want to date someone "safe". I was starting to get serious about a woman from Ohio. I remember thinking that, while I really liked her, I wasn't so sure I wanted to live the majority of my life in the Midwest. Ha! I was also dating someone from Southern Utah. At the time, I was getting extremely interested in geology and I started appreciating, really appreciating the mountain west.  So while location wasn't the sole factor in my decision to eventually marry Tracy, it played a large role. I remember her taking me to her parents for the first time and Southern Utah was captivating to me. They had freaking volcanoes in town! That, I think, clinched it. I mean, we were quite comfortable with each other and everything just seemed to naturally happen but the feeling that this woman could take me places did loom large.

I have carried that with me to this day. More of my closest friends are Indian. They have a culture that is so different from mine. Most of those Indian friends are women. Just easier to talk with them about the things that interest me, I guess.

As to these women that I dated and friends being "ugly", I would hope that age and experience have let me see beyond any purely physical attraction in any case. I find attraction is multi-faceted. I wouldn't call any of the women in my life currently or in the past anything short of gorgeous. They are beautiful, body and soul. I love hearing them talk about their lives and experiences and I still find the "exotic" attractive. I want exotic people with different experiences in my life.

"Exotic" isn't a bad thing, is it? 

A New Way To Bleed

I was gifted a Google Music subscription a while back and I have kept it. I think my family uses it more than I do, but it has let me explore music more than I have in the past. This past week I was looking for something to listen to on my way home and I decided to listen to an album I haven't listened to in a few years. As I was listening to it, I recalled how emotionally attached I am to this album and how I listened to it during the hardest times I had in my life. I listened to it almost exclusively. The album is the self-titled "Evanescence". To set up the rest of this narrative, I'll first refer to a post by the artist.

I just finally finished reading all of the letters I received from our friends in Australia. It made me realize something I have to give thanks for- to all our fans.
It is a precious gift to feel the unexpected fulfillment you have given me. Independent from anything I could ever try to do to touch you, help you, speak to you- the broken fumblings through my own heartbreak, fears, and dreams actually brought you to reflect your hearts back to me in a way that shows me undeniable proof that I am not alone. The idea that the music I’ve made ever helped anyone is amazing to me. It was never my mission- I was working on me. Working through my own pain. But through trying to help myself, I reached you- and the most incredible and unexpected part is how you reached me back. Thank you.

~Amy Lee 

I can't separate her life from the music I was listening to. I know it wasn't related to what I was going through. Amy had loves to resolve, deaths of family members to fuel her singing. I didn't have those things. I had loss of faith, frustrations with situations, empathy with no release, a world-view that was shattered in my mind. I also needed something to shout to. I needed that energy to go somewhere. If nothing else, Amy could belt out a feeling, an emotion writ large, in a way that I haven't found others could. I didn't want to fix this with a whimper. I had whimpered my emotions all my life. This was real and I needed to get it out.

Now, because what I was going through wasn't what Amy was singing about, I took her lyrics and split them up, made lessons and thoughts about them in my own mind. One verse was related to this, another verse I took for that. Some songs I couldn't relate to but I had an idea what she was singing about and I let her have her expression.

The backdrop for me when this album came out was my own marriage being stressed because of my investigations into my religion. I had found things that I was completely not in agreement and my own anger and desperation was making my marriage fall apart. It was changing a dynamic that we always had. I didn't want my wife to hate me as I still loved her but I could no longer give fealty to a belief I no longer had. I had a close friend lose her husband and I had no way, I felt, to help her or give support. She was easily one of the most influential people in my life, if she realized it or not. I had another friend that was being abused. I had countless friends online that were struggling with this religion issue and their marriages were dissolving. I could only see what was happening to them as being in my future. I was going through the mid-life crisis where I was looking at my life wondering what I wanted out of it. I had spent so much of my energy living for others, delaying my own happiness for the sake of other organizations and people. All that anger and frustration of learning that I had wasted so much on something that had lied to me was still fresh in my mind and still unresolved. That is why I wanted to scream out my anguish, my helplessness to that which was going on around me.

BTW, song titles are links to song videos.

What You Want

(lyrics)

I'm not particularly fond of this song, but it was their first release of the album and their first video. There are a few things from the lyrics that I do have some thoughts about.

Hello, hello remember me?

I'm everything you can't control

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must be a way to believe we can break through

I have learned that most of life you have little to no control over. I guess that is very Buddhist of me but I think it is true. Situations come up that change your life and you are simply a spectator. Trying to find some way past it was what I was spending all my energy with. So much of this was internal because I was still afraid that showing my own emotion would be detrimental to my relationships.

But every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you
Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything…

This felt so true. I felt I was failing everyone. The people I cared the most for had or were in the process of leaving me. I loved these people, more than anything else in my life, and I just couldn't make it work. I wasn't there for them. I said the wrong things. Felt the wrong way.

Made of Stone

(lyrics)

This is about a bad relationship. I don't have much to say about this. I'm more internal facing. I don't look at others and think of how wrong they are, but what I could have done to change things. I guess I've been lucky in that I just don't feel this kind of emotion towards anyone. Amy does. She can.

The Change

(lyrics)

Another bad relationship song. Also not one of my favorites from them. It is a great song but I can't relate on a personal level. 

Thought that I was strong

I know the words I need to say

Frozen in my place

I let the moment slip away

This first verse is about all that I have a comment on. I've had this problem. At times I'm not able to swallow my pride and admit fault or just can't say or find the right words, so I freeze. I know I've caused Tracy frustration at some of our discussions, and I just couldn't verbalize or whatever you feel at those moments.

I think this might also apply to what we were going through in that she felt I was changing the terms of our contract. We were supposed to live one way, agreed when we married and here I was moving in a different direction.

My Heart Is Broken

(live) (lyrics)

My guess is that Amy directed this song towards her sister that died when she was 6 but I could be wrong.

This is one of my favorite songs on the album. The belting out of "My heart is broken" seems so much more appropriate than the quiet suffering so many of us go through. I know I was afraid to express my grief at times. It would have been mocked and minimized. I have had grief treated this way. I will express that in a later song.

Also, since a friend had her husband recently die, this song also held deep meaning in that regard. I can't imagine the pain and loss that she went through. I could only use this song to sympathize with her.

I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you
I pull away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you

In terms of my own life, I've had to do this. The pulling away I was then feeling while my wife and I sorted out our lives. I also did this during the break up that occurred on my mission. I disassociated from some of the things around me because I needed to clear my head, change to the new situation. The "wandering 'till the end of time" is a natural feeling in that you don't think you will ever get over this. I felt this on my mission because I respected her desires and my own mistakes were at the forefront of my mind. I had no friends around me to help me bear the grief. No support from the system because their counsel was that I shouldn't have been serious about anyone. This was all part of the culture. "Dear John'ed on the mission" isn't anything to take seriously. It is laughed at and ridiculed. In such a patriarchal culture, I didn't feel like I could even express emotion. I was jealous, controlling and frustrated that I was so far away, so distant from the person I was. In some ways, I did wander for a long time, at least. Unresolved thoughts are a horrible thing to take with you. I tried to console myself that it was a one-sided relationship. Maybe it was. I had no doubt that she would forget me, seeing me as a bad experience on her part. Lord knows, I hated what I had become.

I can't go on living this way
And I can't go back the way I came
Shamed of this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half a life without you

This was absolutely what I felt at the time with my wife. I couldn't unlearn what I had learned. The toothpaste wasn't going back in the tube. If she insisted upon me not changing, to live up to something I now found unworthy of my life, I would have to find a path without her, like so many others I had known. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't need her to agree with me, I needed her understanding. I loved Tracy. She was there for me. I didn't want what we had to end just because of this. I can't go back, but I thought I could still go forward with her. The love of my life didn't need to slip away because we didn't agree on everything. I knew her like I knew no other.

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us, change, open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye
My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on

Deliver me! I had so much bottled up in me. I denied it all, that any of it mattered, that it would all go away with time. I wanted it to go away, but I couldn't until I told the people that mattered, that it mattered.

Grief had a hold of me for decades. I was encountering it in my own life, and the life of others and I felt powerless in those waves. All I could do was be honest, be open and look for some acceptance. It didn't matter that others couldn't relate. This was me. I cared, I care. I'm heartbroken for me, my friends, and my love. And it needed to be sung at a high volume.

I want to add here that it wasn't just the need to scream out that I was heart-broken. So often I had to stop in a vacant lot and cry it all out. Not something I wanted known at the time. It's hard to drive seeing through tears. But it was, I believe, an honest emotion.

The Other Side

(lyrics)

Counting the days to meet you on the other side
I will always be waiting
Until the day that I see you on the other side
Come and take me home

I'm not giving in, I want you back
Holding together by the shards of our past
Stole my heart away, I can't let you go
Break these chains and let me fly to you high above the world below
Over and over in my mind

I don't relate this song to me. I don't know if Amy is singing about a lost love (metaphorical) or somebody that has passed on. I have thoughts about my friend who lost her husband, or anyone that might have been in that situation. I didn't know that pain personally, but I can sympathize.

And this brings me to other thoughts. I know one of the reasons I clung to the belief in an afterlife was that I wanted a chance to tell those people that meant so much to me, that I no longer had contact with, how much they meant to me, and how I grew from knowing them. When I discovered Facebook, it was one of the first things I did, reach out and tell people how much they influenced me. I should do that more often. I have a good set of people around me.

Erase This

(lyrics)
I'm not sure what in particular Amy was working through but I have ideas in what I took from it. I feel the desperation of what happens when a poor choice is made and it was a decision that tears down the people around them. This was more of a one-on-one song, but I know what it felt like to screw up so completely or to say something that ruins a life planned on. I knew it in several times of my life. If you listen, you can hear the self-flagellation that is going on, the knowledge that it could have been different. I'm just going to post the lyrics and highlight what I am talking about.

It's too late to change your mind
Even though this fragile world
Is tearing apart at the seams
We can't wash these sins away
This sinking feeling everyday
I'm waking up in someone else's life

Not gonna let this day go by
I'm gonna save this wasted life
And nothing can stand in my way
Not enough to say goodbye
Burn it til there's nothing left
I'm drowning in the mess that I have made

The water's rising around us
There is no other way down
I only have myself to blame for it all

Is it so hard for you?
'Cause it's so hard for me
To believe that what we dreamed
Could ever come to life again
If I could just erase my mind
But I cannot erase this lie

Lost In Paradise

(lyrics)
Amy Lee has said that this song was written to her fans that had waited for a new album. I always wondered if it was written for a movie soundtrack, mainly for the line "as if I was human" but I always was open to the idea of it being rhetorical, or sarcastic.

This is one of my favorite songs on the album. I can put it in so many different contexts. Promises to friends, suffering when things appear to be going well. I put this in terms of what was around me at the time. I had changed in some very fundamental ways without involving my wife on that journey. I felt powerless with friends and my inability to help them. I was leaving my God, the one I had devoted so much time and energy towards because I just couldn't suspend my disbelief anymore.

I've been believing in something so distant as if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me

All the promises I made just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

The lines, "I have nothing left, and all I feel is this cruel wanting." were, at the time, a perfect expression of how I felt. I wanted things different. I wanted to feel some other emotions, but I couldn't. I don't know if the depression I was in was worse than my mission. I mean, I had slow starvation going on there as well as everything else. This I think was a bit more profound, but I also had 25 years behind me to know that it wouldn't always be like this. No matter how this worked out, it would work out.

As much as I'd like the past not to exist it still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you

I made a lot of mistakes. A past I'd rather not remember. But it was there. Plus where I was...I was scared.

Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore
Take it all the way
Shadows of you
'Cause they won't let me go

I couldn't direct this song to a person like Amy seems to. I did know that I would climb out of this eventually. I think Amy might be referring to something a bit more final but I wasn't.

I was looking towards something more tolerable. The only time I contemplated separation from Tracy was during this time. It wasn't for my piece of mind, it was for hers. I felt I was so disruptive to the children and to her that it would be better for me to leave for a while. Then the thought that separation so often leads to divorce...great, other GD failure on my card. I won't go into how far down that trail of thought I actually went. For me, it was far, but in reality, it wasn't. I didn't want to grow to hate Tracy, as I've seen happen in so many other divorces. I just wanted a bit of clarity, a revision of my life. I don't know. I think time has taken the edge off that part in my life to some degree.

Sick

(lyrics)
I remember posting this on Facebook and I referred to the politics of the time. In reality, it was the way I felt about the church. I had given up my life, my sanity, to this organization and when I started diving into the history, I found something different than what I had been taught. I had trusted them with my time, my family...and it was based on nothing but air. My doctrinal breaking points were that the restoration of the priesthood didn't happen, or rather, was "discovered" about 5 years later. The witnesses of the Book of Mormon were untrustworthy. Martin Harris stated in the Kirtland Temple that he saw the plates "like a person sees a city through a mountain." They all believed in this second sight nonsense. Half of the 12 left soon after this. The First Vision wasn't expressed publically until 1838 (or 1842). Visitation by Moroni was originally Nephi. The memoirs of Lucy Mack Smith was changed to coincide with other changes of the story...etc. The temple ceremony was taken from an 18th century masonic ritual (And they were really into masonic rituals and the power that it brought) to keep polygamy quiet and the women and men obedient. I loved the temple or rather the idea of the temple and it kept me in the church for some time. I was sick of being lied to.

Sick of it all, sick of it all
We will not follow
Sick of it all, sick of it all
They don't understand how
Sick we are, sick we are
Of this bottomless pit of lies behind closed eyes

Someday you'll know the peace
Someday the light will break through
And nothing you tell yourself
Will save us from the truth

The End of the Dream

(lyrics)

Amy explained that this song is about her relationship with life and death. And I take this song in a positive light, even though it is pretty heavy. It actually reminds me of the times I felt depressed when I was a teenager I investigated those feelings, even if it wasn't happy or my emotions were at a low level. The lyric "As much as it hurts, ain't it wonderful to feel?" beautifully expresses what I thought at the time. I felt the same during this low period in my life, that even though my emotions were raw and painful and with no resolution in sight, I still could feel and understand it. 

As much as it hurts

Ain't it wonderful to feel?

So go on and break your wings

Follow your heart 'til it bleeds

As we run towards the end of the dream

And the positive point is that I can overcome all this, as others have. It might end with lack of friendship, even divorce, but I can survive it. I need to be true to myself and overcome the limitations I was feeling.

I'm not afraid

I push through the pain

And I'm on fire

I remember how to breathe again

Why must we fall apart to understand how to fly?

I will find a way even without wings

Oceans

(lyrics)
This is a song that I don't listen to. The music and the lyrics are a bit mismatched in my opinion. The lyrics are dark and depressing. They have very little hope in them as they are describing the bad section of depression, with no real resolution explained. The lyrics are very expressive though. The music is a bit too bright, too positive of a tune for such lyrics like this.

Don't want to be the one to walk away
But I can't bear the thought of one more day
I think I finally understand what it means to be lost

Can't find the road to lead us out of this
A million miles from where we burned the bridge
Can't keep pretending everything's going to be alright
With the whole world falling down on me

Cross the oceans in my mind
Find the strength to say goodbye
Everything that we believed in was a lie

Cross the oceans in your mind
Find a way to blur the line
In the end, you never can wash the blood from your hands

Oh, we never learn
So we fall down again
Heaven, help me find a way to dream within this nightmare

Never Go Back

(lyrics)
I'll let Amy give her meaning to the song.

"It wasn't about my life so much. ... When we first got into pre-production, the earthquakes and tsunami happened in Japan, and we were all just totally glued to paying attention to it, all these incredibly heartbreaking images, and we just [thought], 'Wow,' " she said. "And I was thinking about it a lot. It was consuming my mind, and we were working on that song at the same time. I was kind of working on lyrics at night; we'd practice all day, and I'd go home at night and be working on lyrics by myself. And I came in the next day and was like, 'Guys, I'm going to make this song about the tsunami.' "

This also isn't a song I listen to much. Again, a mismatch of the lyrics and the tune. It does go with her familiar themes about drowning and the water. I'm sure it is because it is such a great metaphor for being overwhelmed with life and emotions. Before I knew it was about the Tsunami, it made me think about a horrible breakup or death of a loved one. It is a hopeless song.

Are, are you there?

Nothing left for me 'til I find you because it's
All gone. The only world I've ever known sleeps beneath the waves
But I'm the one who's drowning without your love
I am lost and I can never go back
I, I can never go back home

Swimming Home

(lyrics)
This song was written about dying and the bittersweet acceptance of death. At least, that is what Amy Lee said. The song is fairly self-explanatory in that regard. The most I can say about it is that I feel the music and the lyrics are perfectly matched, something that this album suffers from on other songs.

I'm sorry
Nothing can hold me
I adore you still
But I hear them calling
And nothing can hold me

I think the most profound lyric I found in the song was "I adore you still". My mind always moves towards the religious undertones of the word, more like a kind of worship. I don't think that was what was on Amy's mind when she wrote it. I have my own love of the word, "adore" as I don't know if it is more or less than "love". It seems stronger, and in this context, it seems to be stronger. I don't know who she is talking to in this song. Perhaps a lover. Hmmm. not sure. This is being drawn away from a lover to do what has to be done. It seems that is part of being human, understanding what is happening at death.

It is a powerful song, well placed within this album.

A New Way To Bleed

(lyrics)

My guess is that this song is written to Amy's first bandmate who left due to artistic differences. I think there was some bad blood there. While I feel this is one of the best songs on the album, I admit that some of it doesn't make any sense to me.

My biggest take away on the song is the middle lyric. It, for me, plays a dual role for my trying to deal with my own life, my own faith crisis and my difficulties with others understanding and also my own conflicts with others, one that makes me be empathetic by seeing their lives from their point of view. That is a lot to put on one verse, but I really do feel that way. In those times when I was my own brand of jerk, or times when I struggled with hearing other's feelings about me. I needed to process things. This lyric has pushed my recognition of that from days to minutes. I truly care about people, and I can't discount other's feelings because of my own selfish desires or thoughts. Amy clearly and distinctly says what I need my inner voice to scream at me. And it does. There is immediacy in some song lyrics and in this I have helped find empathy for others.

So go and tell all your friends
That I'm a failure underneath
If it makes you feel like a bigger man
But it's my, my heart, my life
That you're calling a lie
I've played this game before
And I can't take anymore!

In my recollection, I haven't found too much fault in others, but there are times when I have been too quick to judge. I don't want words to this effect said to me. I have. And I deserved it. I've had girlfriends and my wife get upset with me. I get it. I've discounted them. I've been selfish. I've behaved badly.

I cannot judge other's lives and their decisions. I was once part of a religion that did it all the time, and yet it was against their own scriptures to do so. (And part of their scriptures to do so....I know, I know....) I can't. I can't live my life only through my own eyes. I need to let others be who they are.

I could write, and have written, more to this line of thought. I won't at present. This verse just brings it all home to me, forces me to acknowledge others because I care for and respect them. Because I love them.

I feel it coming over me
I'm still a slave to these dreams
Is this the end of everything?
Or just a new way to bleed?

With my marriage struggling and opening myself up to others, as well as trying to understand their lives and feelings, I didn't know where all this was going. Was I going to divorce? Was I going to make it all work out but with a spouse that might not respect me and my decisions? Will my friends make it work out for them? I felt so impotent on so many levels. I wanted to help but my own home was on fire. I wanted a different life, but this is what I had. How was this all going to fix itself?
"Is this just a new way to bleed" certainly described my life then. And Amy could belt it out, and I needed that kind of energy.

Can't you feel the ground caving in?
Give us a reason to believe again!