To Eclipse and Back. Part 1

I must say that I probably did obsess a bit more about the eclipse than I should have. There were a few reasons. I wanted to see it once I heard it was passing so close to where I live and I really didn’t have any other trip planned this year. I’ve had one arm that had issues ever since a certain ice storm in January 2015 that didn’t clear up until well after a year. Then something screwed up my leg last year that caused my knee to hurt substantially until very early spring this year. I was, frankly, quite sick of being in a state where I couldn’t move around. So when news of the eclipse happened, I took it as a goal to get to the eclipse.

Then a new job presented itself in the spring and many of my plans for this summer would have to take a back seat. In addition, Tracy had her job now and we had a lot on our plate. On July 5th or 6th, I was coming home from downtown and as I stepped off the train, I noticed that the time was a minute or so before the bus would leave for Elgin. I had difficulty with running as I was wearing the pair of jeans that just didn’t fit right and wanted to slip off at any opportunity. I grabbed hold of my belt and made for the station exit as fast as I could safely do. Train stations aren’t necessarily made for speed. I made it to the exit just as the bus was pulling away. In futility, I raised my arm trying to get the attention of the driver…*POP!*…I almost buckled. What happened, I don’t know, but it was the most pain I ever remember experiencing. It was blinding. I stumbled over to the wall trying to figure out what happened to me.

What followed was a month of limping and occasional screaming. That first night was horrible, but it did get better with time. I always kept an eye towards August 21st, knowing that I wanted to ride my motorcycle down to the eclipse. I eventually felt comfortable enough to ride the bike, but it did hurt after a short time on the seat. I worried if I could make it the 6 hours down and 6 hours back.

And then it became difficult to concentrate. I haven’t taken any significant time off all year and it was telling. I just stared at maps trying to figure out where to park, where to sit, what to take on my limited storage space….By the time I was to go, I was starting to lose sleep. This was the farthest, I think, I’ve been on the bike. And yes, I was still in Illinois. Illinois is painfully long.

I originally was going to view the eclipse in Karnak, IL. I wanted to bike the Tunnel Hill Trail this year and it was located towards one end of the trail. Of course, my interest in Egyptology drove that decision more than anything. I looked at Google Maps looking for shade and bathroom facilities. I then found a state rec area just to the west of there along the trail that would have water, bathroom and other things. Then in my research, I found that it would be closed. Yeah, I could easily drive around the gate or even park the bike somewhere along the path and walk to it. Instead, I noticed some pull-offs along a nearby road. I figured it was surrounded by swamp so I might have some sense of privacy. Lots of bushes if I needed to use them for cover. And still, I looked along the trail for alternatives to park the bike if needed. I didn’t know how crowded it would really be. Best to look for even more alternatives.

Tunnel Hill. It was no more than a few houses but there is a parking area and a bathroom. I’m sure it was a horrendous facility but in a pinch, I had it there.  It would also help if others were there so I could change into my shorts once I arrived. I decided that it would be my first stop. If there was parking, that is where I would be. I could also get away by going up the hill and that should provide a view of the shadow that I was expecting.

I was starting to get more nervous in the days immediately before the eclipse. I was planning to leave at 3 am which should get me there around 9 am. I then decided in my anxiety that I should probably leave at 2 am. I kept an eye on the weather forecast and it looked like I would be following some rain around Champaign and there was about a 30% chance of rain late in the evening. I should probably be home before I would worry too much about that.  I was debating on whether I should go south on US45 and return back on that. It was out of the way and surface streets, but it really mattered how many other people were considering going that way. If things got bad, I could always go overland if I still had a charge on the phone to guide my way. I’ll probably wait to see how busy the expressway will be.

I woke up around midnight on the 21st and stumbled around until 2 getting everything ready and made my way south. The route was down Illinois 47 to Champaign and then I-57 all the way down. I wish there was something interesting to say about the trip down. I was travelling faster than I cared to, about 80mph. I did stop at Effingham for gas and while it was crowded, I wasn’t hampered by anything. Somewhere around Salem the traffic stopped while drivers were distracted by a crop duster but other than that…nothing to really mention. I exited at I-24 and a few miles on, I saw the exit labeled Tunnel Hill and a short trip later, I arrived at the parking area. It was already about half full at 9:30 am. I parked the bike, changed into my shorts between my bike and the truck to the other side of me and grabbed my towel and looked for a shady spot along the path to wait for about noon for my walk up the hill. To my surprise, my leg wasn't hurting me at all and all I really needed to concentrate on was getting enough water.

Not all that interesting yet….the fun stuff comes later.

$&)*@!

I've not been one to swear. Well, not one to swear in public. I've had my issues in the past but I have made conscious efforts to not verbalize them. I still have a bit of Turrets in that I remember some stupid thing that I did in the past and I utter some exclamation. I've tried to keep that at a minimum.

The other day, I had the house to myself and I was working on something in the kitchen and it started to go wrong. I won't go into any detail but I was starting to make a mess. While it became worse and worse, I found myself wanting to shout in frustration. Decades of training myself to swallow those words were brought to the fore. Do I let my anger out? No one is at home, so I should be safe. It would make me feel better....In a short space of a few seconds, I had an entire discussion with myself to allow myself to express myself in such a way. In the end, the situation won out, and I exclaimed the word.

Me: %&*$%^!!
Madsen: Are you okay Dad?

What?! What is he doing home.....*sigh* Am I ever truly alone? Do I have to explain this to him?

Me: I'm fine, just frustrated.

So, while I could let fly a blue streak in High School (but I never talked much so few heard it), I have been restrained much of my life afterwards. When I do use a choice word, my son realizes that it is unusual and asks me if I'm okay. So, I guess that is a small victory.

That's it. Just a look in on my uneventful life.

That Frantic Year

Do you remember that frantic year, the year we were first married? Well, maybe not the first year, but the second year. We had so much to do and so much to see. You were showing me a world I never knew existed, the one that you took for granted. Never before had I seen so much rock, age and desolation, and my reaction to it was so much different than my first years there. This is the world you grew up in and it was so foreign to me. I came from lands that were green and covered in trees. My vistas took me to the next forest, your vistas took me to other states spanning millions of years.

Do you remember how much we worked and studied? We spent all our time cramming in equations and case studies. In our time off we worked in cleaning others' messes. We only had one and a half day off any given week. We would throw everything needed in the car and drive to the nearest exit, making sure we stopped first for soda and potato wedges. We would alternate compass headings and go and see things that I had never seen before.

One of our trips we headed north to Idaho Falls. We were thinking we could make a visit to the temple there, but we decided that we had other things to do. We went to Craters of the Moon. These were the days before the internet. I had no idea what to expect. I certainly wasn't expecting what we found there. I didn't know such a place existed on the continent. I know I had shoes that weren't up to the task for such a place. My oxford tennis shoes were not made for this.

We stopped at EBR1. I can't remember if I knew it was there or not. I was so fascinated by nuclear reactors at the time. And why wouldn't I be? Put rocks together and they get hot. Put them together really quickly and you get them to explode. I still marvel at the concept. We learned about the plans to build a nuclear plane, one that could stay aloft for days, if not months. I recall something being said about the huge runway that would have to be built to allow such a large and heavy plane to take off and land.

Did we camp there? I can't remember.. If we did, it must have been a hard sleep; nothing but rock and sand to rest upon. If I recall, we just got in the car and came home. We would normally arrive late at night, having to wake early the next day for school or work. I don't know if we worked the same shift that year. I am pretty sure I worked the late shift by then. We would see so little of each other during the week.

Work all week, just to repeat our travels the next weekend.

God, I learned so much that year. I learned how to live with someone I loved. It was wanting to be with each other that got us through. I made so many mistakes that year. I'm glad you were so patient with me.

1. Barry Blather: Asking For What You Need

I've decided that I read and want to comment on articles enough that I'm just going to give it a title of sorts. It is more like trying my hand at a subject, one that someone else writes.

I know I spend a lot of time on my blog writing about relationships. It isn't that I'm particularly good at it. I read a lot and I'm trying to improve who I am, and also realize the mistakes I've made in the past, or last night. I make a lot of mistakes.

The article I'm taking on today is from The Good Men Project. It is a site that has some good times and some bad. I think it depends on who is editing it at the time. Anyway, the article is Asking For What You Need in a Relationship.

For some background, I've been very bad at this. Aside from asking Tracy for some attention at times, I don't think I ever was specific. Like the thing that drove me nuts, I approached things obliquely. I didn't want to create any kind of confrontation....well, let's get into the article, shall we?

We don’t know what our needs are.
I think this is somewhat true. I think that desires to be with someone early in the relationship might overshadow even those needs that we do know about. You make excuses because you want to be with this person. You want their desires and needs met, not your own and so when the relationship cools, you find out that the person just isn't what you personally need.

We fear that our partner may not be willing or able to meet our needs.
Fear stops us from doing a lot of things. It certainly has played a big role in my life, making me take avenues I wouldn't have otherwise. It translated into my relationships with people. It kept a lot of things down because my biggest desire was to love someone, and I didn't want that person to leave me because I had some "unreasonable" request or expectation. This probably played the largest part of my life that are listed in this article. (I can elaborate if you want.)

We don't want to appear 'needy'.
I think some of these are related for me. I have a high need for intimacy. I want downtime where I am doing nothing but holding her hand or stroking her hair. I want to be touched and just feel present with the person. Some of the expectations or perceived expectations that I felt, as a man, made that seem unmasculine (is that a word?). Those issues loomed large probably until my mid 30's into my 40's.

Basic lack of self-confidence.
To a point. I think that a good deal of self-confidence is healthy, but it can turn demanding. I am still thinking about this issue. At one time, I was very deferential but I had to balance my needs to the other's desires. I think I've achieved a good balance now in my life, but I struggled with finding this much of my life. I'm still not sure if I can verbalize the situation now.

We learned from the best.
I'm not one to publically criticize my parent's and other's relationships with each other. That said, I understand the significance of this point.

Fear of hurting someone's feelings.
This plays a huge role. You want to be with them. You don't get to be with someone if you tell them that they are doing something wrong. Well, you don't want this to happen if you have any form of empathy.

Inability to assert ourselves.
This would be a lot earlier aside from that empathy thing, that I noted above. At least, I see it that way. It also plays into the confidence issue. At least, this would be the case with me.

A disengaged partner.
I'm more than happy that I've never experienced this, aside from some of the first dates I had with Tracy. (There were reasons.) This is something that I learned in that hectic year of dating the year I got back from my mission. I wasn't going to spend any time with someone that didn't want to be there. Funny thing is, that is what led me to stop dating Tracy even though I was crazy about her. She wasn't "present" enough for me so I stopped asking her out. She later inserted herself back into my life and we, or at least I, haven't had that issue since. That isn't to say that in the ebb and flow of relationships we haven't had quiet times, but we have engaged each other. Sometimes that led to disagreements. Sometimes more understanding. I can't say that it has always been a smooth ride, but I think I have a good handle on this.

The original article is better, more general. I'd read that if I were you.

Saying Goodbye to Downtown, For Now

I spoke to my manager last Wednesday and it seems that a phase of my life is over. I'm not saying that it wasn't welcome, but it is time to move on to something else.

Last March, I was transferred to a group of developers downtown that work for a piece of software that E911 centers use to manage calls and radios as well as things like the location of law enforcement and traffic cameras. It really is impressive. I came to them as a temporary loan until FirstNet comes on line which has some foreign governments as well as Homeland Security as customers. I was to learn the platform and some other aspects of the software. In that, I think I did okay, as the tech used is completely new to me and on operating systems that I haven't historically concentrated upon. That as well as being in a new environment for me. Downtown. It took 2 hours commute each way to get there. I was working with a group instead of just myself. This was new on so many levels.

I didn't do too well. There are a lot of reasons. Some were my own background. Some were psychological. Some were the new manager's. Some were the lack of any on-boarding. I could probably write a long dissertation on all that went wrong. At some point last month, I came to a realization that this wasn't going to change and I went through a loss of all the stress I was feeling and went into a kind of apathy. I wanted to get back to Support and learn what my future role with FirstNet would be. I wanted, if nothing else, to feel competent again. I'm still surprised how much that experience of almost complete confusion and lack of peer support affected me and my view of my profession. It could have been much different, and it honestly should have been.

So while I was chatting with my wife last Friday on the 39th floor, my manager there was hearing that I was moving back to Schaumburg.

I will focus on the positive. I learned a lot. I became much more comfortable with the platform and technology. It will eventually be part of the platform I'm to support, and I hope to be ready for it. I still have a lot to learn and prepare for. That baptism into ignorance taught me a lot about myself. I will say that it was a valuable time for me.

Sometime in the next week, I'll once again go downtown. I'll make sure my computer there is clean and things are backed up onto the cloud. I'll turn it in to the IT dept there. That computer I spent the last 4 years on. It was a backbreaker. I can't say I will be sad to see it go as my new laptop is much more portable. I'll pack away my writing utensils and other computer bricker-brack and turn in my badge. I can always come into downtown when I want to, but I'll have to get a pass from the security desk downstairs. My manager once told me that I was the only one in the company that had 2 desks assigned. I don't know how true that is, but it was kind of interesting. Many others float around to the various facilities. I was just assigned to a place in two of them.

And away we go. It isn't like supporting the law-enforcement network and software for the country isn't stressful enough so I'll have plenty of sleepless nights ahead of me.

Not Horrific At All. Whatchyou Talkin' 'bout?

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/20/this-inspirational-story-about-a-doubting-mormon-is-horrific/

I share this story to say a couple of things, mostly selfish things. This is a story of an abusive relationship, one of conditional love. It was quickly pulled and replaced without the coercive issues, but the internet remembers.

I went on my mission with no expectations from my parents, unlike those in the article. I simply wanted to be a good person and show some gratitude for my situation which at the time was pretty awesome. It was the worst decision / experience I've ever had in my, admittedly, fairly non-eventful life. It has taken me decades to unpack it and even mentioning it, in all truthfulness, makes me feel like I've betrayed everything and everyone in my life to this day. I've tried to come to terms with it, with varying degrees of success.

No one should feel that that love is conditional on your expectations.

Everyone should be able to change their life for what they feel would be better, even if that means your expectations of them might have to change.

Cultural expectations can change if those that lead that culture make it happen. I should have come home after my time in the MTC. I was depressed beyond any level in my life before or since. I was told by my leaders how disappointed they were in me. While my friends and family might have accepted my coming home early, I knew that my life would be drastically different if I did. I couldn't live with my perceived failure with my adopted people, to live what I believed then. It was a horrible choice to make at the time but I chose to stay on my mission. I've had to live with that decision too.

There is nothing amusing about abandoning a family member because they don't do the things you want them to. Coercion should not be part of life or parenting.

The Ten Commandments ... of Relationships

A friend of mine posted a link on her facebook page, and I took a keen interest in it. The original article is called The Ten Commandments of Dating but I look at things with a more macro-view. While it has been a long time since I ever "dated" anyone, not that I was particularly good at it, I like reading things about dating because much of it can be used in regular interactions. The things that people use to keep someone's interest for intimate relationships can be used, generally, for other relationships. In my early 20s, being fully aware that I didn't want to be alone, I decided that those more self-centered days were behind me and I needed to become someone that people would want to be around. Don't take this that I, in any way, feel like I've succeeded, even at this late date in my life. Most of the time I'm more concerned with not offending anyone but I do want to be seen as someone of interest. Indeed, I've often wondered what it would be like to date again knowing how much I've changed and how differently I would approach it than I did when I was younger. Not that I'm seeking that out or that I'm unhappy in my current relationship with Tracy. It is more an idle thought.

Anyway, this article sums up a lot of nice things. It can be used in building better relationships of all kinds. It is healthier if nothing else.

1. Be honest. Just be upfront about who you are and what you’re looking for. The right people will be totally into that, and the ones who aren’t won’t waste your time (and you won’t be wasting theirs either).

This sounds so easy. I guess it is. I hold strong opinions about some things, but I'm also very aware that I could be completely wrong. That has really muted some of my emotional outbursts. There are some things that I do feel that I'm not wrong about. Empathy, love and having respect for other people are things that I would like to advocate more and I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong about it. I've tried to be more vocal about how I feel about people and even to the point of letting them know that I like having them around me, that they change me for the better. Some people I'm more reserved around, not sure that they are ready to see that side of me.

In my relationship with Tracy, we've had our own moments of honesty, and it has changed our relationships. I know I pay too much attention to what I see as expectations, and it has gotten in my way in the past. I think we have become more accepting of each other.

2. Be interested. It helps if you actually want to know more about us than what we look like naked. Be interested in what we like to do outside of work and what we think about and the things we enjoy. And don’t be condescending when we like a show or movie that you don’t enjoy. That can go both ways. Just try to get to know us as people. Ask questions. Express curiosity. We love this!

OK. Considering my religious upbringing and my current state of wedded bliss, I'm not trying to get anyone naked so let's just concentrate on the command. I have found that there are elements of people's lives that fascinate me. In the past I would have been more dismissive but not so much now. I try to find something interesting about someone, even if they wear some of those interests on their sleeves that don't spark my curiosity. People have a lot of facets. Tracy likes Disney. Me, not so much. However, what I find interesting in her, and what I found interesting about her when we were dating is a sense of adventure that I used to do new and different things that I might not have done if left on my own.

In a recent trip to Oregon, I went to the coast with a friend and she took me to an incredible restaurant. I mentioned at the time that "I wouldn't normally have stopped at a place like this." And I don't know if she took it as a criticism. I tried to explain, and I think this was evident to her, that when I travel alone, I get pretty focused on some things and food isn't one of them. If I didn't have an issue with fainting when my blood sugar drops, I would forget to eat altogether. It was a very nice place, and I should have been better at listening to her to realize her interest in the place (and her interest in showing it to me.)

3. Be interesting. It’s great to check in every day and ask how we’re doing. But if that’s the only conversation we have, we’re not going to stay interested. Tell us about you, or ask some questions. Open up some topics for conversation and actually participate beyond small talk. While I love to be asked out for an actual date, know that I’m raising an eyebrow when you don’t even attempt to get to know me in the meantime. When the date is confirmed and then you aren’t in contact until then, I’m questioning your motives, and I’m wondering if I’m actually going to get stood up. You know, again.

I would think that I might digress into talking too much about myself. Plus, I have the fear that what I'm interested in wouldn't be that interesting to others. There are a few things that I'm passionate about and they are either geeky or somewhat obscure. I find most things about computers completely engrossing. That would tend to alienate some people. In nature, I love volcanoes. The whole concept of molten rock coming out of the ground and the sheer power of it is incredible. Does that mean that I should have found someone that shares those interests? Is it the power of passion that is more interesting? Tracy has passions that don't interest me but I know that she feels strongly about them. I like those things because she likes them.

4. Keep your word. If you say you’ll call, call. If you say you’ll text, text. If you make a date, show up for it. Confirming in advance is nice, too. Just do what you say you’ll do. And if you don’t, take some responsibility. I cannot count how many times pneumonia has reared its ugly head as the excuse that someone has ghosted me completely for days or weeks on end.
Sure, pneumonia happens. I’m not typically paranoid, but there must be an epidemic for as many times as I’ve heard that one. And most of you are still sitting up in your hospital bed tapping away at your phone, on social media, chatting with your friends. So you are perfectly able to respond. And if you actually can’t, be honest.

Keeping your word is needed in almost all facets of life, otherwise, you might be elected president. You'll also make no one trust you. I haven't been in that situation much that I know of, but I assume that it would be horrible. I depend on that trust for all my relationships. When I tell Tracy that I'll be somewhere, I do my best to be there. If I can't, I make sure and tell her. It is simple respect for the other person. If you can't respect the other person, it is best to move on. That is true with long-term commitments like marriage just as much as dating. If you can't respect the other person, don't ruin or waste their lives with your issues.

5. Be a gentleman. This hasn’t gone out of style. Open doors, pay the tab, do all of those traditional things. But it doesn’t hurt to go one further. Dress nicely to make a good first impression. Show that you put some effort into the evening as well. And I know that almost no one does it anymore, but flowers or candy are still nice gestures. And it never hurts to avoid controversial topics on a first date such as politics and religion. If they come up and you disagree, it’s entirely okay not to get into an argument about it and to return to more neutral subjects.

 I don't know if this would be wrapped up in my respect issues. Being a gentleman is, to me, not being a jerk taken to 11. You are spending their time, part of their life, to be with you. Respect that commitment to you.

6. Don’t mansplain. Not ever. If you don’t know what mansplaining is, please educate yourself and don’t ever do it again. There’s not a bigger turnoff on Earth than a man trying to educate us on our own opinion or, heaven forbid, attempt to educate us about our experience of being women, you know from the male-privilege point of view. Refer back to #2. Actually be interested in knowing us. Not in trying to correct us.

I've been guilty of this in varying degrees. I didn't realize what it was called. Like a lot of things in my life, I didn't realize there were words for this stuff. Once it was explained to me, I became more aware of it. I don't know if I told anyone what their opinions were or what they mean, but I apologize if I ever did. I know I've become much more open to my own errors and if I do this, please, in the name of all that is holy, tell me that I'm doing it. I'll try not to be upset. I know I have faults, and the ones associated with relationships are what take most of my interest and work to overcome.

7. Don’t feel that sex needs to be clarified in advance. I will never, ever understand why men I don’t know actually expect me to volunteer if I’m going to sleep with them or not. I mean, have we met yet? Are we close like that?
I’m not making any judgments on women who choose to sleep with total strangers. I’m not going to perpetuate that particular double standard. I will say that I don’t find that I have chemistry with just anyone. And I find it a wee bit insulting that we’re skipping getting-to-know-each-other part for the getting-each-other-naked part. Or the attempt. Foreplay includes that slow build-up of getting to know one another—taking those smaller steps along the way.
We don’t really need a picture of your equipment. Particularly since size doesn’t necessarily equate to knowing how to operate said equipment. Or know anything about ours. And why ask to see us naked before you’ve actually seen us, you know, clothed? It seems a sad, strange business, particularly when you’re saying you want a relationship. Perhaps you should refer to #1 and start all over.

 I recently read an article about the missing second acts in many movies, the superhero movies in particular. It goes from the origin story to complete mayhem without ever establishing character or why the hero cares one way or the other. I once again refer you to my respect references previous. When dating or even now in marriage, I am one for "radical consent" and unless it happens, I don't expect anything other than spending time with someone I enjoy. Of course, that has caused a lot of issues. I don't pick up on clues. I don't assume what you want. I'm very verbal in my relationships now, and I wasn't in the past and it created a lot of difficulties. Some of that is because I'm clueless, but another is I want verbal acknowledgment on what is desired.

I've spent some time listening to women I've befriended on the net and the sending selfies of your junk is beyond me. I honestly don't understand that. To be honest, that isn't the most interesting part of me so it doesn't even cross my mind to lead with that. And that respect thing. That respect thing looms large in my mind.

8. Be confident. Making jokes about your height or weight may seem like a good way to ease the tension, but sometimes it just comes across as insecure and needy. We all have our points of insecurity, but we all find confidence to be sexy. It’s attractive when someone is body positive and secure about who they are and how they look. I’m not saying be a total narcissist. Just be confident.

This is my greatest problem. It is my most annoying trait, even to myself. First, I have no idea what I'm doing and it shows in a lot of ways. I wish it didn't. It affects a lot about me. I know I can do most everything intellectually I set my mind to but other parts of my life? Not so much. When I have to cater to someone else, when I have to anticipate their desires when I want them to LIKE ME??!! No, I'm not all that confident.

Let's have a moment of candid honesty, When I was "Dear Johned" on my mission, I was told how insecure I was by the person I respected the most. I so much wanted to scream that of course I was. My last semester of college was a disaster, possibly messing up my future in my chosen field, let alone at my school. I hated what I was doing, even though this was the pinnacle of faith in my religion, devoting my time to "the truth and the preaching thereof." I was so tired of my faults. I was tired of being told that I wasn't working hard enough and all the people in my area will possibly be going to hell because of my inaction. I resented that I wasn't having any fun in the time of life when that is what should be happening. I resented that I wasn't with the people I cared the most about. I resented the fact that I felt those things. Insecure?! Damn right I was insecure. That insecurity torpedoed that relationship as well as messing me up. (That isn't to say it would have lasted anyway. I did, however, use the experience to change. This event probably changed me more than anything else in my life.)

Has my life improved all that much? Yes. But I still struggle with confidence. The depression still floats around but nothing like it was at that time, and I have tried to become more confident. Luckily, my wife has learned me and helps me in all of my weaknesses. If I ever have to teach someone about that aspect of me again, I'd be a lot more honest, open and forthright about who I am so we can compensate and still have an enjoyable time.

9. Be kind. This is basic but often overlooked. Avoid making critical comments. A back-handed compliment is often worse than no compliment at all. For example, I got told once that it was great that I’m so attractive so my date wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with me in public. It’s great to be called attractive, but I can’t recall when I was last so insulted at an attempt at a compliment! Be flattering, show interest without condescension, and if you’re not interested, you can express that kindly.

Yes. There isn't much I can add. Care about the person you are with.

10. Be brave. Don’t, do not ever, ghost people. Don’t just disappear. Be brave and say that you’re not really interested or you’re looking for something else. Say that you don’t have enough in common.
Or if you are really interested, be brave and say that. Say that you’d like to see us again or that you really enjoyed spending time with us and want to have even more time to get to know us. Say whatever it is you’re feeling, which I know is counter-intuitive to how men are socialized and to a dishonest dating culture.
Don’t ghost someone like they don’t matter. Speaking from the receiving end of that treatment, it is beyond painful. It would have been so much easier to hear that he was interested in someone else than to be treated like I don’t exist and that our time together meant less than nothing to him. Have some consideration for the feelings of others and not just your own feelings of fear and avoidance of conflict.
And definitely say if you really like us. Even if we don’t feel the same, take that chance. Because maybe we do. Maybe you’re the nice guy (and I don’t mean that as the insult people often take it for these days) that makes us glad we stayed in the dating game. Maybe you’re the one who reminds us why we really do like men. Maybe you’ll be the one to remind us that you have wonderful hearts and souls, and we’ll be happy to spend as much time in your company as we can.

I've had to do this to overcome changes of belief, political outlook, and other issues with my wife. I've told women that I befriended how much I enjoy their time, letting them know I appreciate their time talking to me. I've perhaps not been so verbal with the men that I know, but there is a language there that I take advantage of. It is not easy for me as it bares the soul a bit more than is comfortable but it does pay off. People do care. They want to hear they are enjoyable to be around. They want to hear honesty and candor.

So there, my commentary on the article. The article is much more interesting than what I wrote. Please read it and apply some of this stuff if you need to. If nothing else, use this as a conversation starter with your significant other. It will open doors if they aren't open already.