And There Were Flowers...or Blossoms...Whatever

Continued from A Slight Diversion.

I arrived at Clark/Lake station without issue other than going through the maze that is that station. The Blue Line is a subway and the Green Line is on the 'L' so I made my way up without making a mistake and take one of the many exits. I think this was my first time on the 'L' but I might have been there years ago when I took in a Cub's game. Still, it was an easy transfer and I exited at the McCormick station and went down to the street. The convention center wasn't too visible but I headed to the Lake and knew that I'd walk into it.

McCormick Place is huge. I mean HUGE. I've been there several times for other tech conventions but the scale of the place still makes me uncomfortable for some reason. I found a woman holding a sign and I asked her where the Amazon event was...basically, keep walking and when you hit water, you've gone too far.

So, at the very end of the hall (with a small stop over Lake Shore Drive to look at the cars going underneath me) I came to the registration desk. Now, I will add here that I have a problem. It has caused some self-loathing in my life and it has become more prominent when I lost my hair. I've inherited my maternal grandfather's hair loss and my father's sweat glands. By the time I hit the registration desk, I was dripping sweat. It wasn't all that hot, but that doesn't matter to my body. I start becoming uncomfortable at 70 degrees and it was about 80. So here I am trying to register with sweat pouring off of me and becoming more and more self-conscious about it.  The woman behind the desk told me to scan my registration on the tablet...and I couldn't figure out how. OK, we're tech people, but sometimes we need human interaction. I couldn't see where the camera lens was and how to place it the right distance. Considering I was so late, I now had all 15 "women behind the desk" now looking at me wondering why the sweaty nerd can't figure out how to place a piece of paper in front of a camera. Eventually I figured it out, got my tags and I headed to the table with water on it. I had missed breakfast and I was pretty sure lunch wasn't provided. So I just sat there and cooled off for the next half an hour.

That conference was mostly a bust, but I don't think I missed much.

OK. No breakfast, no lunch. My blood sugar was falling fast. I decided to go Chicago full bore and stop at the White Castle on my way back to the "L".

The White Castle was more of a nook. Nowhere to sit, just a place to order. When I arrived, only one other person was there. And then the homeless guy came in behind me. He got my attention and said something to me. Really, that's all I know. I simply couldn't understand him. I told him "No." knowing he was asking for money. First, I was in a small place and being asked for money by a homeless guy in what essentially is a closet just made it worse. Second, I've never been one for panhandlers. Third, I didn't really have much money. I don't carry much on me and even less when I travel into the city. I held him off until I ordered two sliders. They don't taste all that good and all I was trying to do was keep from fainting from sugar loss. They guy in line gave the homeless man the change he got and eventually, so did I.

The way back was sooooo much different than the way into town. I only had to wait a bit for the Blue Line to show up but at Rosemont I walked right onto the bus to take me back to Schaumburg. At the bus station, I took a few moments to take the pictures of the blossoming trees in the lot. They were very pretty, but the smell wasn't all that fantastic.

I'm not sure why the guy killed himself by walking into the train that morning. He was no longer suffering from his problems, but transferred some of that pain onto the train conductor. My conference didn't quite work out either. Oh well. The blossoms were pretty.

A Slight Diversion

Ok, this is a travelogue. Sorry. You don't need to read it.

I had a conference in the McCormick Place last Monday. I was kind of looking forward to it, if nothing else but to have a free lunch away from the normal routine. Of course, I needed to obsess and plan my route with split second accuracy to make sure I got there at the right time. Get to bus station. Get on Route 606. Grab the Blue Line to Clark/Lake and transfer to the Green Line. Get to the McCormick stop and head east to the center. I've been there before so no worries....

About a week before, I had to get a bus card. It has been years since I rode the bus, pretty much since I started with my bad insomnia and also got the bike. (They aren't related.) They went to a credit-card type pass and one morning on the way to work, I decided to make a quick stop at the bus station and pick up a pass at the vending machine they have there. I wanted to be familiar with the situation so I wouldn't be stuck in Chicago with no way to get home because I'm too stupid to use a machine. So, mission accomplished. Hey, look, this thing accepts coins. I used to get rid of all my change on the bus. It looks like I can use this thing to get rid of my change too. Keep that in mind. Allow time to put in the money when I get there on Monday....

I counted my coins for the fateful day, mostly just to get rid of my nervous energy. I've already determined that much that will be at the conference is stuff I've already done so if there isn't anything to do, no biggie. I'll just enjoy riding the trains and seeing something different.

I woke up at 2am that morning, just like every other day. I swear there's something biological going on. I've already been tested and there isn't any real reason why I keep waking up then. That is all besides the point. I get in the car and arrive early enough to at least turn in some of that $18 in change I want to put on my new bus pass. I hide anything of any value in the car ( I read about a lot of car break-ins in Oregon at the State Parks so I'm now nervous about that ) and head to the machine. You know, putting a lot of coins in a slot of all varying sizes gets your fingers to hurting. Plus, and I never anticipated this, but every $4 or so, the machine would lock up and require me to start a new transaction. Goll, that was annoying. Still, one goal off the list.

Might as well meander towards the bus stop....Hey, look at that, the bus is just pulling in. Well not exactly. It was route 600 and not the 606 so Bingo!! I'm taking the express. Arrived at Rosemont Station in good time. I guess I'll have some time to just sit at the conference center. No biggie. Got on the train after a short wait. So far, so good. Pass works as expected. Things are going quite well.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, there's been a medical emergency on the tracks ahead and we'll be letting you off at the Jefferson Park station. There will be shuttle buses there to get you to Western where you'll pick up the train there and continue on towards downtown and the Loop. We apologize for any inconvenience."

Well, I wanted to know how all that works. I've heard on the news and traffic reports about them shuttling people over a track outage. I guess I'm going to experience it. Glad I'm not really in any kind of a hurry. So the train stopped at the station and large CTA workers rushed everyone off the train. They pounded on the windows by any lurkers, "Hey you, get off the train!" I imagine if I was fresh off the farm from my home town, I'd be incredibly intimidated by their herding us off the train platform. In my current state, I was smiling. It was something new and different. My day just became more interesting, more interesting than the conference and a stale donut would be, at least.

Outside the station, any bus that pulled into the lot was commandeered by the CTA workers and crammed full of people constantly flowing outside of the train platform. I made it on the 6th or 7th bus that stopped. I got a good seat and counted myself lucky that I was sitting. I had no idea where I was in the city. At some point, the driver announced that we were going to the Damen station. That really didn't help as I was merely a passenger of my fate at the time. Along the way, I just watched the city go by. All the buses on the street were filled with people being moved between stations. The sidewalks became full of hopeful passengers wondering why no buses were stopping for them. Seriously, some stops had well over 100 people waiting. The buildings were fairly uniform 3 story buildings and almost every other storefront was vacant. I noticed that the placards were ads hawking vacations for my hometown. That was kind of neat and I felt the hick desire to tell someone that uninteresting fact. I wanted to take a picture but again fought the urge. People were pretty silent, just wanting their day to begin and not show how upset they may be lest others consider them petty.

When we arrived at Damen Station, we were once again greeted by "Get off the bus!" this time by the driver.  I again smiled at the rudeness that seems to be part and parcel of Chicago behavior. They weren't perceiving this as rude, just being direct. I tried to snap a picture of the Traverse City ad as I left but the result was just a blur. The entrance was just a narrow door and they were thrown wide to allow all the people to enter. It was a fairly old station and aside from the electronic pass readers, it had the feel of the 1800's. The next 20 or so minutes were spent on the stairs as the platform was full. Still, no trains went by. It seems our promise of getting picked up down the line was hollow.

My attempt at capturing the TC ad as I was shouted off the bus.

I passed the time just taking the surroundings in. I'm fairly amazed at how we've let things deteriorate in this country, infrastructure-wise. I'm a proponent of "Take care of it or take it down." The station was rusting and not all that conveniently placed, although I'm sure the residents of the area depended upon this system in their lives as much as I did now. People began to be frustrated and started leaving which freed up space on the platform and where I eventually made my way. I found a little nook to rest and started a conversation with a woman approaching retirement age as well as a younger woman who worked for a start-up writing iPad software for schools. (I kept silent about my opinions of Android solutions that are cheaper by far.) Eventually, a worker came by yelling that the tracks had cleared and trains would be arriving shortly but they will be busy as they will be picking up the backlog. The whole outage lasted well over 2 hours and since the Blue Line is one of the busiest, I was sure I'd have another 40 minutes or so to wait. Yep. While waiting I struck up more conversations and another guy kept shooting glances at me about his frustration. I marveled at how much can be said non-verbally and how he found my face as an inviting one that such sarcasm would be interpreted correctly.

All in all, it was a nice day so far. I'd experienced something new, met some new people, and even observed a confused pigeon on the roof of a nearby shop while we were all waiting for the 'L'. I'm sure I saw it's confusion as it stared at hundreds of people up so high just doing nothing. I appreciated how well behaved everyone was as we hear so much how people suck when in such groups, and this was a very diverse crowd. Everyone still said "excuse me" and "sorry". I also was struck by how beautiful people can be. I know that might be an odd thing to say, but for an introvert like myself, seeing the beauty of random people is something fairly new to me. I wondered what interesting stories people had to share if situations were different. Yeah, my plans for the day were shot to a good degree. That breakfast of doughy goodness was long gone but it was worth it so far. I might as well forge ahead and see what else the day brought. I finally slipped on to about the 10th train that stopped and with my back pressed against the door, I went on to Chicago.

Continued....

http://wgntv.com/2016/04/18/part-of-cta-blue-line-suspended-after-person-struck/

Doomed Marriage? Not necessarily.

I’ve blogged a bit about this in the past but not on this phrase but on life changes. My interest in this article is from the “Beware of What Saving Yourself Might Bring” section on. When that whole "Mid-life Crisis" hit and I re-examined what I believe, my politics, my relationships, it did create a crisis, and one that the article addresses pretty well for that matter. I don't like the fact society looks this occurrence as a completely selfish exercise. As a society, we don't want men to change and that is the real culprit. Men stand firm until the pressures just make us want to redo our lives in a flurry of activity instead of allowing us to grow and change throughout our lives.

And it isn't just men that go through this. My changes ultimately led to Tracy reexamining her life too and it led to years of rediscovery of who we were together. For us, so far, it has worked out. I know many couples where it hasn't worked out and has led to divorces, some amicable, some less-so. And it doesn't stop. We need to continue to talk about things, sometimes painful things. Many months ago I told her that I was still not where I wanted to be, and I started to change again where I was in our relationship. So far it is improving. We are different people than we were just 5 years ago. We have changed within the constraints of our commitments to each other and our family trying to keep realistic in what is possible. We also leave room for each of us to grow. We are two people that hang out together in an intimate fashion. Perhaps my view of our marriage has become more fluid than it was in the past, but I think we are doing alright.

Article - If You Ever Use This Phrase Your Marriage is Probably Doomed

Does Time Truly Heal All Wounds?

I happen to like poetry written by young women. I think they have a hold and understanding of passion and are not ashamed to say what they feel and can express it better than men their age. There are a lot of issues with men that age which makes them hide their feelings. It doesn't usually get better as they age.

This is a poem about heartache. Accepting loss. I tended to think like this woman when breakups happen as I wouldn't have dated women that I didn't respect or want the best for. I've never resented a woman that I've dated later in the game. One of the things that I don't understand about divorce, if I may move this towards marriage, is how those who loved each other now hate each other. I wouldn't ever force my wife to stay with me, and I wouldn't hold her to any legal covenants. I would want anyone in a relationship with me to be there voluntarily. I think this is a good capture of the emotions that surround the expiration of a relationship, at least, what I would hope from myself.

Does Time Truly Heal All Wounds?
By Madison Kuhn

I will not ask you to stay

If you must go, go

I don’t need you

I will breathe (carefully) without you
I will smile (slowly) without you
I will go on (eventually) without you

I’d be much happier
If you chose to not leave,
But if you must let go, let go
And I will too

And hopefully one day
I will teach my heart to not break
Whenever everyday thoughts
Lead to you
I’m afraid I’m much too weak,
I’m afraid we’ll always be
A book with the end pages ripped out,
I’m afraid I’ll always wonder,
Always ache,
Always place everyone second to you

I’m afraid I’ll always love you

But I will not ask you to stay.

Demon-Witches Are Killing Ellie!

Last night Tracy and I got to bed a bit later than normal, mostly due to Hayden’s concert and shenanigans afterwards. Soon after we all went to sleep, I was startled awake by the most horrible scream I’ve ever heard. As my waking brain pulled itself out of unconsciousness, all I could process was “Demon-Witches are killing Ellie!" because really what else could it be? Tracy, a well-practiced mom with 16 years experience was out of the bed and heading to the door by the time my head lifted from the pillow.

“Wha..” was all I could offer.

“It’s the cats.” was her response. After a day of having the kids sniping at each other all day long, this is the last thing this woman needed to deal with.

Evidently, there was a cat outside that was facing down Dave and Fergus probably sidled up next to her to see what was going on. Dave lost her ****. By the time Tracy made it downstairs, the demon cat from outside was fleeing into the night while our two cats were in mortal combat. She separated Dave and tried to calm her down and Fergus-- sweet, dumber than a fencepost Fergus—decided to hop on the bed to see what was happening. Dave hissed and fought trying to get to Fergus and wipe that blank expression off her face.

“Can Dave be stupid enough to think that Fergus is that other cat?” Tracy said with no hint of sarcasm.

I wanted to remind her that Dave is one of the dumbest cats I know. She can’t figure out how to cover her poop in the litter box and she has a memory shorter than a gnat. She’s affectionate and playful, but yeah, pretty dumb. Fergus is little better.

After peace was restored and my heart rate somewhat reduced, we turned into bed hoping to get to sleep quickly.  About half an hour later, the fight erupted again. You see, cats are like human children. They pick and pester each other until one of them has to lash out and they have to be separated. Even when separated, they longingly remember the argument and want to start again as soon as possible. When the calming effects of my sleep medication kicked in, Dave was glaring at Fergus from under the dresser and Fergus was blissfully unaware in the hall waiting for the next “discussion.” Luckily it never happened.

For Our Visions of Paradise

Of course all this introspection of life and what has happened and what is happening leads to a more interesting question, “What do I want to happen to me?”

Last year I took a trip to Oregon. I took it for a host of reasons. One of the things I did before the trip is to educate myself about the state. In the past, I never looked to closely at the state with the thought that the politics of the place would probably drive me crazy. While the hard conservative states of Utah and Arizona were fresh in my memory and deserving of some of my contempt, quite honestly, I didn’t think a hard left turn would be appreciated either. I’d like a little more balanced view to my politics. Well, my departure from my former faith had me re-evaluate a lot of my life and politics no longer played a role in my life. I simply no longer cared. I was happier without politics in my mind. So, with the help of Facebook, I could investigate this state a little more.

I’ve mentioned several times that I have fallen in love with volcanoes. I have developed such a fascination with the earth since moving to the Rockies back in 1984 for college. Tracy facilitated my education with Southern Utah and that area and volcanic activity was evident there. What once was a mundane interest became fanatical. On our frequent trips around the area, I was always on the lookout for old lava fields and cinder cones and almost anything volcanic. Learning that Yellowstone was a super-volcano and that the hot-spot it vented was once under Oregon and the Cascades helped fuel my interest in Oregon.

Mt. Hood, Mt. Adams, Mt. St. Helens, the Sisters and Crater Lake were some of my early targets. Photographers took pictures of them and were readily had. I looked at maps and photographs and web-pages, anything I could to educate myself on the area. Nothing prepared me for what it was like to actually visit.

I spent a day with a friend of mine there. It was before I took to the roads solo. For informational purposes, I’m a very driven wanderer. I drive hard and I practically live out of my car. I am also a minimalist. I usually forget to eat. I just want to see things. Thing is, I’m also very reserved. While my friend is showing me the coast, I spent a lot of time looking when inside I’m jumping up and down, running in circles by how the whole place is just so fascinating. She took me up into a river cut and I was almost beside myself with glee. Columnar Basalt! My first columnar basalt was viewed on that one of those days. How much I just wanted to scream with delight at what I was seeing. My God! A whole wall of the stuff! There is a lava tube that cooled and splayed out the columns! AAAHHHH!

Did I let it out that I was seeing things that were completely freaking me out? No. I just looked intently. While she might know I’m a nut, I’m also supposedly a respectable professional with profound psychological issues. I didn’t need that compounded and remove all doubt of my insanity.

When I again hit the road solo, I provisioned at a Walmart and off I went. I had already bonded with the area and it was manifesting in some odd ways. Sisters was very disconcerting. I had expected a certain layout and I wasn’t seeing it. It was early in the season and some roads I wanted to take were closed. It was capping off an emotional morning in an odd way. I did re-center and what followed was about 7 days of the most fun I’ve had in a long time. No, it wasn’t a Disneyland kind of fun. I didn’t camp or even settle in an area for more than half an hour before I was off again. There was so much to see and do. I knew some of these places from pictures. My experience at Mt. St. Helens was not expected as I awed at the crater before me. Heading back to Portland from a southern excursion, I made a call to Tracy with a declaration. I found where I wanted to die. My previous plans for retirement? Blown to Hell.

Tracy knows, one of the few that do, how passionate I can be about certain things. I can feel some things so strongly and usually she can drive reality into my noggin and put me in my place.

When I arrived back home, we had a series of discussions. What do we want to do? What will make us happiest? When were you really happy? Do things make you happy or does something else?

I know I’m not the only one having these conversations. I’ve spoken to many of my friends and they are at that point in their lives too. What do we want to do with what remains? If I’m not happy here, where do I want to go?

So we drive onwards towards our visions of paradise, and they change over time. Sometimes that change is profound. Sometimes it is an enveloping contentment. For many, it is the journey to the goal that drives them on. Whatever the reasons, whatever the time, please look at your life and find your passion, find your happiness and if it is off in the future, work towards it. I can’t act on our big goals yet, there are financial and family concerns, but we have a goal and we have a plan. It was a complete change of plans from just a few years ago, but change is part of life. Luckily, I have someone in my life that will listen and still finds being with me more interesting than being without me. On living out West, it isn’t a compromise though. On that, we agree. Just how that will happen is part of our process.

Life certainly does keep itself interesting.

"Manifesta to Young Women and Girls" By Eve Ensler

HERE’S WHAT YOU WILL BE TOLD:

Find a man
Seek protection
The world is scary
Don’t go out
You are weak
Don’t care so much
They’re only animals
Don’t be so intense
Don’t cry so much
You can’t trust anyone
Don’t talk to strangers
People will take advantage of you
Close your legs
Girls aren’t good with:
Numbers
Facts
Making difficult decisions
Lifting things
Putting things together
International news
Flying planes
Being in charge.
If he rapes you, surrender,
you will get killed trying to defend yourself
Don’t travel alone
You are nothing without a man
Don’t make the first move,
wait for him to notice you
Don’t be too loud
Follow the crowd
Obey the laws
Don’t know too much
Tone it down
Find someone rich
It’s how you look that matters,
not what you think.

HERE’S WHAT I’M TELLING YOU:

Everyone’s making everything up
There is no one in charge except for those
who pretend to be
No one is coming
No one is going to
Rescue you
Mind-read your needs
Know your body better than you
Always fight back
Ask for it
Say you want it
Cherish your solitude
Take trains by yourself to places
you’ve never been
Sleep out alone under the stars
Learn how to drive a stick shift
Go so far away that you stop being afraid of
not coming back
Say no when you don’t want to do something
Say yes if your instincts are strong
even if everyone around you disagrees
Decide whether you want to be liked or admired
Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out
what you’re doing here
Believe in kissing
Fight for tenderness
Care as much as you do
Cry as much as you want
Insist the world be theater
and love the drama
Take your time
Move as fast as you do
as long as it’s your speed.
Ask yourself these questions:
Why am I whispering when I have something to say?
Why am I adding a question mark at the end
of all my sentences?
Why am I apologizing every time I express my needs?
Why am I hunching over?
Starving myself when I love food?
Pretending it doesn’t mean that much to me?
Hurting myself when I mean to scream?
Why am I waiting
Whining
Pining
Fitting in?
You know the truth:
Sometimes it does hurt that much
Horses can feel love
Your mother wanted more than that
It’s easier to be mean than smart
But that isn’t who you are.