Lauren Winner

“I didn’t really know, even when writing the book, that many Christian communities in times gone by would have said “Oh, this is normal, this dark night of the soul, this doubt. This is part of the expected choreography of a Christian life.” If I had known that, while writing Still, there probably would have been a chapter: “dark night choreography,” or somesuch.

It is only in the last year or so that I have begun to read and study and learn that many, many wise saints from times gone by would say, about a season of doubt or alienation from God or despair, “This is not an aberration. This is one of the well-established patterns of Christian life.” Not every Christian lives through such a season, but for many people, it is simply part of the architecture, part of what we can expect along the path to God, the path to true intimacy with God and self and neighbor.

Somehow knowing that has allowed me to read my own experience, my own years’ long (four? six?) sojourn into that alienation with a bit more—well, appreciation. And a bit less anguish. And it has allowed me to say to friends and parishioners who are in the anguish that they are companioned by saints, and by a whole tradition of wisdom for the dark nights. Knowing that does not make the dark seasons any easier. The dark seasons are, simply, awful. They are awful. But the knowledge that they are actually part of the warp and woof of Christian life may make our abiding in the darkness, our presence to the darkness, more bearable, perhaps less alone, perhaps even rich. Perhaps the place we know as a place of God’s removal becomes a place of knowing God more.”

— Lauren Winner

"A Short Stay in Hell"

Over the past couple of years I’ve struggled to finish any kind of book before I lost interest. Don’t confuse this with not reading, as I’ve read like a maniac at times. Still, taking the time to focus on plot, meaning or even simple story has been hard for me to do. On a message board that I frequented, a book, or more of a short story, was recommended. Well, a couple of days ago I looked at it again and decided to download it on the kindle, or rather, my phone. I tend to not spend any money on books unless it is something I want to keep in my library for some time. Three bucks, no biggie.

The book is A Short Stay in Hell by Stephen Peck. I have an affinity for books and stories about an afterlife and this fits the bill. There are a few things that I think would peak your interest and perhaps allow you to consider this book for your shelf. Most books like this are affirming of pre-conceived ideas. If a catholic writes it, you would expect a catholic take. If a mormon writes it, you would expect mormon concepts, etc. This does it to a slight degree, but really works out to someone with a mathematical background, which the author has. The author is mormon. I don’t know if he is currently practicing. However, the reality early on indicates that this doesn’t follow a mormon narrative.

The protagonist dies, and arrives in a demon’s office with 5 others. A short discussion ensues with one of the characters.

“….I was saved.” 

“No. Sorry. The true religion is Zoroastrianism, I’m afraid. Bit of bad luck there. Christianity certainly borrowed a great deal from the one true religion, but not enough, unfortunately. Not nearly enough.” 

“Zoor-what-ism? Never heard of it. How can that be the true religion?” The man looked confused. 

“Zoroastrianism? Oh, there’s never been but a few hundred thousand of them at any one time, mostly located in Iran and India, but that’s it. The one true faith. If you’re not a Zoroastrian, I’m afraid you are bound for Hell.” 

The man looked stunned and shocked. “It’s not fair.” 

The demon gave a mirthful laugh. “Well, it was fair when you were sending all the Chinese to Hell who had never heard of Jesus. Wasn’t it? And what a cruel and vicious Hell it was. And your Hell was not our short little correct-you-a-little Hell. This was eternal damnation. At least in the true Zoroastrianism system you eventually get out of Hell. Do you have any idea how long eternity is? My heavens, what an imagination you humans have. What kind of God would leave you burning forever? Most of you wouldn’t do that to a neighbor’s dog, even if it barked incessantly at two a.m. every morning. After about ten minutes watching a dog suffer in the kind of Hell you imagined God was going to send his wicked children to, you would be pleading for the damned beast’s mercy. It’s crazy. Create a few beings; those that don’t obey you roast forever? Give me a break.” The demon shook his great head in wonder.

This gives you a sense of the story, but before the mormons get too excited about the above dialog, the demon dismisses the protagonist's Mormon faith without comment other than a quick “…not a bad Mormon. You would have made a good Zoroastrian. Now what Hell for you?”

The rest of the book talks about the particulars of his Hell. The protagonist, Soren, has to deal with his incorrect assumptions, faith and morality. He deals with the particulars in relationships and what to do with an unlimited life, one where you can die (and necessary in the story) but never leave. He brings up peculiarities, like the lack of any ethnicity, no Asians/blacks/Hispanics, but never addresses an answer. It doesn’t try to answer many of the situations he finds himself in. I think that this is partially a reflection of the author’s desire to get across that not everything has an answer, it just is.

I found this an enjoyable read. I finished it in a couple of hours, if that. It is a short story. It still is thought provoking and brings into question some assumptions of what we might expect ourselves.

Oh, his hell is a library. That is kind of important to the story.

A Short Stay in Hell

Interview with Steven Peck

Abraham Lincoln Anecdote

Abraham Lincoln, a noted storyteller, recalled that "there was a farmer who had a very large shade tree towering over his house. It was a majestic-looking tree, and apparently perfect in every part -- tall, straight, and of immense size -- the grand old sentinel of his forest home.

One morning, while at work in his garden, the farmer saw a squirrel run up the tree into a hole; he wondered if the tree might be hollow.

He proceeded to examine the tree carefully and, much to his surprise, he found that the stately tree that he valued for its beauty and grandeur was hollow from top to bottom. Only a rim of sound wood remained, barely sufficient to support its own weight.

What was he now to do? If he cut it down, it would do great damage with its great length and enormous spreading branches. If he let it remain, his family was in constant danger. In a storm it might fall, or the wind might blow it down, and his house and children be crushed by it. What should he do?

As he turned away, he said sadly: "I wish I had never seen that squirrel!"

A Brief Note on Thomas Jefferson

A brief note on Thomas Jefferson, my personal hero.


Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.
At 5, began studying under his cousin's tutor.
At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.
At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages.
At 16, entered the College of William and Mary.
At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.
At 23, started his own law practice.
At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.
At 31, wrote the widely circulated "Summary View of the Rights of British America" And retired from his law practice.
At 32, was a Delegate to the Second Continental Congress.
At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence .
At 33, took three years to revise Virginia's legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.
At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.
At 40, served in Congress for two years.
At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.
At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.
At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.
At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of Republican Party.
At 57, was elected the third president of the United States .
At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation's size.
At 61, was elected to a second term as President.
At 65, retired to Monticello .
At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.
At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia and served as its first president.
At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams.

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government. He understood actual history, the nature of God, his laws and the nature of man. That happens to be way more than what most understand today. Jefferson really knew his stuff. A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

John F. Kennedy held a dinner in the white House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time. He made this statement: "This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."

"When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe ."
-- Thomas Jefferson

The Anarchist

The lenses inside of me that paint the world black

The pools of poison, the scarlet mists that spill over into rage

The things I've always been denied

An early promise that somehow died

A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage

This is the chorus from Rush's "The Anarchist" on their latest album "Clockwork Angels". It is an angst driven album from my take on it. I just love this segment of the song. 

The lenses inside of me that paint the world black. 

This is a great way of saying that the world is the way we see it. Using the lenses of our vision to show that we are actively creating our world, helps put this in perspective. It isn't really black, but that is how he chooses to see it.

The pools of poison, the scarlet mist that spill over into rage

Doesn't this just paint a mind picture of evil intent? The imagery that this gives me is so intense and the feeling spilling over into rage. Spill over, as in he's already full of anger(?) where the excess becomes rage. Damn.

The things I've always been denied

An early promise that somehow died

The sense of entitlement, something he deserved being taken. The turmoil of revolution, one of the oldest passions in the world.

A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage

I stared at this lyric for some time and didn't grasp what Neil was trying to say. Now I get it. All the rage, anger and the missing part of him to the point of obsession, creating a cage around his soul that he needs to break out of. He needs to be free of that want, that desire, that need. Freaking brilliant! I wish, oh how I wish I could write lines like that. 

The lyrics can be found at http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rush/theanarchist.html. The drum and bass work of this song are exceptional. I wish I had sound equipment that could do it justice.

Geddy Lee talks about the song here.

The song can be had here.

Poetry #1

I've found a few more poems that I've posted on FB.

I, Too

I, too, sing America.
I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.
Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.
Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--
I, too, am America.

--Langston Hughes




Wild Geese

 You do not have to be good.
 You do not have to walk on your knees
 For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
 You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
 Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
 Meanwhile the world goes on.
 Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the dee...p trees, the mountains and the rivers.
 Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.
 Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination,
 calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
 over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

~ Mary Oliver ~



The Summer Day

Who made the world?
 Who made the swan, and the black bear?
 Who made the grasshopper?
 This grasshopper, I mean-
 the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
 the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
 who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
 who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
 Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
 N...ow she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
 I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
 I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
 into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
 how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
 which is what I have been doing all day.
 Tell me, what else should I have done?
 Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
 Tell me, what is it you plan to do
 with your one wild and precious life?
 --Mary Oliver


Tears In Sleep
by Louise Bogan

All night the cocks crew, under a moon like day,
And I, in the cage of sleep, on a stranger's breast,
Shed tears, like a task not to be put away---
In the false light, false grief in my happy bed,
A labor of tears, set against joy's undoing.
I would not wake at your word, I had tears to say.
I clung to the bars of the dream and they were said,
And pain's derisive hand had given me rest
From the night giving off flames, and the dark renewing.


I wanted to set these apart, for no reason other than repeating them.

Regrets

I find writing very cathartic. It has taken up a good majority of my time this past year. I have written many and sent fewer letters to friends over the past year and perhaps I should put the year into perspective. This is an awfully self-centered post considering what some of my friends have gone through. I apologize in advance.

I have been, and so have some the people I care about, through an emotional year. For me, it has been a rough 3 years. I’m passing through what some may call a mid-life crisis. I’ve re-evaluated what my life has been and where I want it to go. I have the normal constraints. I have a wife, family, job, home that I have to consider.  My introspection has been unusually honest for me. I might want to put my thoughts in relation to a recent article “Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”

1.       I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I’m not sure how to express this in my own life. While at the time I felt I was living true to myself, I realize that much of the time I wasn’t. About the only time growing up that I truly felt that I was doing this was when I was in the process of trying out for the Naval Academy. I really didn’t want to go. Yes, I knew it was an honor, but I really didn’t want to go. I have always had a trouble with authority and at that point in my life, it wouldn’t have ended well. Instead, I went to a religious school. I didn’t go from some fanatical devotion, but to escape what my brother had gone through at a state college. I wanted to study and learn. I didn’t want to worry about my roommate coming in drunk or all the associated falderal. It also didn’t hurt that I had exceptional test scores and I could have gone to almost any school in the country.

I’m more reticent about my mission. I think it did more harm than help. It came at a rough time in my life and the added pressures pushed me over the edge. In many ways, I am thankful that I went, but in others, not so much. I’ve spent a great deal of my life coming to terms with all that happened to me in those two short years. Yes, I learned a lot about myself, but they were parts of myself that I wish I never knew.

I can’t say that I have a lot of regrets about my life after that. I met and married a wonderful woman. We received a great education and master’s degrees. I have a good job, and a great family. I mostly wish I was more vocal about certain elements of my life, and being a bit more open and honest with those around me.

2.       I wish I didn’t work so hard.

I’m not so sure if this applies to me. I like working. I like the challenge of learning new things and solving new problems. What I wish is that I didn’t worry so much. That is what I really would like to say here.

3.       I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

I am really, really trying to get over this. I don’t want this to be one of my regrets. I know it may be disconcerting to many of my friends if I express just how much I care for them and how much they have affected my life. I’m getting to the age where I don’t really care what people think of me. If I care, I care.  I’m overcoming the fear of telling people that. Growing up, I lived in a very reserved family. I can see some friendships and opportunities that have slipped by because I was so reserved. I’ve let people assume I believe certain things because I didn’t express myself. I’ve struggled in other ways because I wasn’t vocal with my concerns and my impressions. I am a very emotional person, and not expressing myself has had a detrimental effect on me and my relationships. I realize that now. I’m changing it. In regards to item #1, this means I might be taking different paths than I have in the past, but I cannot bear the thought of going to my grave with what might have been. I may need to do some course correction, and I’ll be honest and truthful about the path that I take.

4.       I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Thank God for the internet and facebook. It has let me contact most of my friends and let me stay in somewhat good touch with them. I know I bond hard, perhaps too hard. But I’m here. If anyone wants to talk…I’m here.

5.       I wish that I had let myself be happier

I do need help with this, and I think I’m getting better. I like my life. I don’t really have anything to complain about. I have a good sense of humor and a good set of friends. I sometimes wish, well, I always wish that I lived in a different state than where I currently live, but other than that, I have a damn good life.

Tracy and I spoke last night about regrets. There were the constant ones, like travel and job location. Still, we’ve had a lot of opportunities. We worked hard to get a higher education. Later life adoptions and family have us a bit more tied down at this point in our life than others, but I wouldn’t trade my family.  We may get the chance to do things later in life, or when the kids are a bit more independent.  If not, meh. I only have one shot at this, and I am giving it my all. Sometimes my all is sitting in front of the TV watching my son play video games. That is where I’m at in my life.