Sitting up in the pines of
I’ve been thinking about this facebook thing that seems to be sweeping the 40+ age group. Roe Con from WLS mentioned on his radio program that the only reason men get on facebook at his age is to check up on all their hot ex-girlfriends. I kind of chucked because, honestly, I hadn’t even thought of it. I can’t even remember their names, let alone check up on them. The only girl that I did want to contact was my best friend’s girlfriend from high school. I knew she was married when I started college, so, I’m not sure what society would expect of me there in any case. Considering that I’m a mormon, I expect all my old girlfriends to be married, have kids, and probably be grandmothers at this point. That and my own look in the mirror would soon disabuse me of any mischief that my sick mind might contemplate. No, at best, I would want to know that they are happy. I wouldn’t need to contact them to know that. Finding a blog or a family picture on their profiles would be enough to determine that. I hadn’t even found that appealing either.
My thoughts on facebook are of something else entirely. I do find myself not seeking after people from high school, but of college and my mission. Those were clearly my most formative years, and not necessarily always positive. But nevertheless, still my most important as I look back.
My children have learned to accept me and my ramblings. I often blurt out “Stop it!” or “No.” for no apparent reason, during my quiet times. Usually, I am contemplating some awkward episode from my past and some of the tremendous mistakes that I’ve committed. Not sure why I do that. No good comes of it.
During college I have made friends that I would gladly give my life for, although I most likely wouldn’t express it to them. That and my wife probably wouldn’t want me to give my life to them, leaving her with this brood that we’ve accumulated. These people were by me during the hardest times of my life, and, if they know it or not, had sustained me just by existing.
See, my mission wasn’t all that great, dominated by a pretty deep depression. It was a combination of a lot of things that brought it about, and I can’t and won’t lay the blame at anyone’s feet but my own. The bottom hit and led to a rethinking of how I was living my life. You know, it is really hard to come out of a depression, change your way of thinking and serve a mission at the same time. I probably would have left my mission soon after I hit bottom if it wasn’t for a particular experience, and that experience kept me in the church to this day. It also has kept me from blaming God or the Church for what I went through. I know that God is mindful of me. So now, I collect people from that time period. Why, when most of the time I want to forget those years? Don’t know, but that is what I do.
It might be because I had the happiest years of my life, so far, just after that. I dated a lot my first year back. I worked myself silly at work and school to the point of almost constant exhaustion. My wife remembers my sleeping in the halls outside of class, after working since 4am. I crammed in so much during that year, I tire just thinking about it. I also made some pretty horrendous mistakes during that time too. I think that is par for the course though. But I did have fun. First time in my life I had girls “fight” over me. I still find that a funny episode. Fighting over a skinny (aftermath of my depression) engineer wanna-be. What a sick world we live in.
So, here I am, finding friends from that time. The last 20 years with my wife have been wonderful. I have made some friends since that time, although none as lasting or as important to me. I work with good people and have a beautiful family. And yet, I think back to that time often and how I dealt with situations.
I often consider a book by C. S. Lewis called “The Great Divorce”. It is a great read about what heaven and hell is like. Hell is full of people that breed bitterness and cannot forgive themselves or others. It eventually drives them farther and farther away from each other. Heaven is for people who have forgiven themselves and each other, regardless of their earthly circumstance. It is explained that the people that inhabit that realm look back at their time on earth with joy and contentment, because they remember the good and not the bad. I think that is why I look back to those times. I learned a lot. I used it for my betterment. I learned to be forgiving of others and myself. I don’t lay blame on others. I would rather see the joy in my life and not the hurt. I want to look back on my life with fondness and happiness.
Anyway, that’s what I think about facebook so far. Might not be much, but it is better than thinking about html callbacks all day.
--Barry
