What the Heck Happened to Me?

When I went through my “faith crisis”, I had a lot to evaluate. In my journey down the rabbit hole of trying to find out what I had been a part of much of my life, I also spoke to a lot of other people that were going through the same thing. What better way to understand what I was experiencing than from people that had already made or were in the midst of the journey? I found a particular bent. They all seemed to be leaning left, politically. I was pretty conservative. However, with all my reading and listening to others, I hadn’t been listening to my conservative radio. My own life was much more interesting. Even then, I contemplated that the reason some of these left the church was due to them being liberal in such a conservative religion. No wonder they left. Cognitive Dissonance is a miserable thing to live with.

But, considering that I felt lied to most of my life about my most intimate beliefs, I wanted to know what else I might believe because of faulty information. I wanted to be ruled by evidence and not by desire. So I stopped listening to my right-wing radio. With listening to others and trying to make sense out of what was happening to me, I really felt empathy building. It was noticeable. I became much less of an island.

Holy Crap, I’m turning into a liberal! How the hell did that happen?

I guess empathy does that. I certainly didn’t "deserve" what happened to me. What about all those others that had things happen to them that they didn’t deserve?

I think I’m still conservative in some things. I still own guns, but I’m in favor of reasonable and realistic gun control. I think we should have a balanced budget, but I think our spending priorities are way out of whack.

Anyway, I am what I am. Sometimes I’m too much of it. Sometimes not enough.

I like listening to science and law programs. I realize now how skewed my old thinking is. I have a better understanding of how flawed our government is and some of those things really can’t be fixed. In other ways, our government is pretty good. I just wish we’d learn from other places, both good and bad. Our tendency for the concept of American Exceptionalism is overall damaging, just like religious exceptionalism blinds people to the suffering of others.

Oh well. I just wanted to say this.

I Go Places So You Don't Have To

I went to Site A, the location of the first nuclear reactor. The Red Gate Woods is where it is located. OK. I tried going twice. The first time was in May or June. The trail up the hill was so muddy that I had to go back home. I made sure to wait for a drier time.


The path from the parking lot was clearer. Still, it made me wonder how much they wanted people to see it.

It wasn't long before I hit the main path, somewhat paved. I also didn't realize before this that it was a popular mountain biker's park. So I started the trudge uphill.

Found It!

Anyway, I walked a lot farther than I expected. I thought it was a couple hundred feet. Nope.

I wanted to post this pic because this is what Illinois looked like before anyone got here. I have to hand it to the pioneers. It was hard traveling without roads.

So I found a marker.

Huh. There was a whole complex up here. No sign of it now. It was off to my right.

Well, that doesn't look right. But it was leading to where the little pointer on google maps was pointing too. Gotta do a tick-check after this.

After a bit, I returned and looked at the sign. I lifted up my right arm to see where it was guiding me, as that was a dead end. Oh, up the path a bit more....There it is.

I also saw this green pipe. I'm assuming it was a test hole so they can monitor the site.

After walking back down the hill and a tick-check, I went back home. No signs of the traffic jams I experienced on the way there. Kind a loopy with hunger though. I stopped at a Taco Bell. While munching a chalupa, I had an odd feeling of contentment. I need that feeling more. I haven't had many of them recently.

Bad Culture

I read something this morning from someone I greatly respect. I "friended" her on Facebook before I knew she was "kind of a big deal" in a certain community. I liked her profile picture (with her husband) and was in need of interesting people at the time.

Her Post

I want to readdress some of the things she mentions, and how it relates to my own experiences.

I always wanted to be with someone. I craved that physical and emotional intimacy that I felt I lacked in growing up. I'm from a very reserved family.

I didn't really date until I moved to Utah for school. I was much too self-conscious to open myself up to women that I grew up with. I wanted to rewrite myself, in any case. Moving to a different part of the country and in a different culture provided the opportunity. I was a mormon and while active members, we didn't really fit in well with those from the West.

I dated some girls my first year. One instance of asking a girl out did not go well, and I made note of what a screaming jerk I was and tried to make sure to never be like that again. I did a pretty good job of that too, for being a hormone-crazed guy, that is.

My second year went much better. I dated a strong-willed girl that wouldn't put up with any poor treatment. When I left on my mission, I became horribly depressed and I was among some very bad examples of Mormon culture for some time. My asshattery was epic. She'd had enough.

So the next year, my last on my mission, I divorced myself from the culture I was in and set boundaries. I developed myself because I still wanted to be with someone. I didn't want to be a jerk.  Some would say that the two years of your mission are the "best two years of your life." I didn't have that experience. My first year of my mission was the worst I'd lived up to that point and to this day. The last year of my mission and first year back at school were my best two years, mostly in spite of my mission instead of it. I focused like a laser to make sure not to let the entitled culture sink in. I wanted to be with someone to work on our goals, our lives together. I needed to build her up as much as she wanted my own success. I didn't want a help-meet. I wanted a partner in crime. I wanted someone to call me out on my BS so I could change for the better.

I think that is what happened. I dated a lot that year back. I made some wonderful memories. Some, ok, a bit troubling, but I've since come to understand it.

Tracy and I had to do a lot of comparing of notes. Things that we thought we knew about each other turned out to be wrong. I explained a lot of what my motivations were that I never mentioned before because I was ashamed of having fallen so far during my mission. She let me know the things she was taught growing up that explained not only her behavior but those I had dated in college.

BTW, I treasure forgiveness. I need to ask for it on the regular.

In any case, here is Lindsay's post. She changed it a bit from when I first read it, considering her audience and those she champions.

Every person I know who has grown up in or has a female body including other gender diverse individuals raised is the deeply patriarchy culture, is familiar with the feeling of misogyny. Whether they've ever given it a name or not, you can know it by the deep primal sense we get right in the center of our abdomen when we are around a man we know isn't safe. It's only now in my late 30's that I've learned to start paying attention to that feeling. I've become practiced at it as a form of survival.

In the work I do now, I am sometimes in dangerous situations. I have met so many isolated religious fundamentalist communities and sometimes that means I am dealing with men whose patriarchal beliefs are deeply dyed. And I know which men are not safe- because they are the ones that feel entitled to my time, energy, and adoration. They are men that believe I will marry them just because I am kind to everyone I meet and they fail to see me as anything other than a potential wife. I've been assaulted, sexually harassed, demeaned, stalked, disrespected, followed, and belittled. 

This is a fraction of my vitae so that you'll know that what I'm about to say is earned. I'm no stranger to men's anger. The deep rage some men have felt when I reject them. Or worse, the men who reject me because they both hate me and what I stand for and find themselves attracted to me. Those guys are the worst, the ones whose hate is broiling just below the surface. 

I am bothered I even have to say this, but I do. There are men in my life I love and trust. There are some men who have the moral courage to do their work, get therapy, look at their own stuff and work to fix it. Those are the men I keep close in my circles. Those are the men I refer to my friends for partners, or friendships, or work projects. These men exist and I've seen it. They are brave with vulnerability and strong with the muscles of empathy and curiosity. There are good men in this world. 

There are also men that have scared the daylights out of me. Men who hate me, men who have threatened me. In my experience and because my community is predominantly made up of them- it has been white men. I know the anger and rage of white men. Worse though, I know especially well their entitlement. 

I grew up with Mormon men who were promised to be gods. Can you understand how pernicious that is? To teach little boys they could have their own planets someday? That they could be the prophet of God's church? 

Because I'm a woman, I never had to experience that. Losing my literal belief in Mormonism was very difficult, but I never had to lose a universe. Not in the way Mormon men do. 

It doesn't matter so much that the men believe that they will get the universe someday. It's the issue that they were taught they were. It's a special kind of entitlement to believe the world and world and world was yours. Literal belief or not, the entitlement often remains. 

These are the men that believe they have the right to me. The right to others. The right to jobs, to money, to fame, to power, to love, to respect. They only have to earn it by being great, not by being good. 

When we talk about the rage of white men and wonder on its impact on the country, it doesn't matter to me if we tie it to a political issue or not. It exists. My life and the experiences of so many others are a testament to that. Our gut, our bruises, our trauma is the data. Our speaking it isn't an attack on men, it's just adding wholeness to the record. It's just the truth of it. 

Read the article I'm linking in comments that aligns with my thoughts.

 So there it is. She is admired by a lot of people. She does humaning better than I have/am and probably could.

BTW, the article link she mentions.

Why Are People So Hostile Towards President Trump?

A person asked the question, "Why are people so hostile towards President Donald Trump?"

Chris O'Leary:

Before you pass my answer off as “Another Liberal Snowflake” consider that
1.) I'm an independent centrist who has voted Republican way more often in my life than Democrat, and
2.) If you want to call someone who spent the entire decade of his 20’s serving in the Marine Corps a snowflake, I’d be ready to answer the question what did you do with your 20’s?

Why Liberals (And not-so liberals) are against President Trump.

A.) He lies. A LOT. Politifact rates 69% of the words he speaks as “Mostly False or worse” Only 17% of the things he says get a “Mostly True” or better rating. That is an absolutely unbelievable number. How he doesn’t speak more truth by mistake is beyond me. To put it in context, Obama’s rating was 26% mostly false or worse, and I had a problem with that. Many of Trump’s former business associates report that he has always been a compulsive liar, but now he’s the President of the United States, and that’s a problem. And this is a man who expects you to believe him when he points at other people and says “They’re lying”

B.) He’s an authoritarian populist, not a conservative. He advances regressive social policy while proposing to expand federal spending and federalist authority over states, both of which conservatives are supposed to hate.

C.) He pretends at Christianity to court the Religious Right but fails to live anything resembling a Christ-Like Life.

D.) His nationalist “America First” message effectively alienates us and removes us from our place as leaders in the international community.

E.) His ideas on “Keeping us safe” are all thinly veiled ideas to remove our freedoms, he is, after all, an authoritarian first. They also are simply bad ideas.

F.) He couldn’t pass a 3rd-grade civics exam. He doesn't’ know what he’s doing. He doesn't understand how international relations work, he doesn’t understand how federal state or local governments work, and every time someone tries to “Run it like a business” it’s a spectacular failure. See Colorado Springs’ recent history as an example. The Short, Unhappy Life of a Libertarian Paradise And that was a businessman with a MUCH better business track record than Trump. We are talking about a man who lost money owning a freaking gambling casino.

G.) He behaves unethicaly and always has. As a businessman, he constantly left in his wake unpaid contractors and invoices, litigation, broken promises, whatever he could get away with.

H.) He is damaging our relationships with our best international friends while kissing up to nations that do not have our best interests in mind. To his question “Wouldn't’ it be great to have better relations with Russia?” The answer is Yes. But it is RUSSIA who needs to earn that, who must stop doing the things that are damaging to that relationship, or we are simply weaker for it.

I.) He has never seen a shortcut he didn't like, and you can’t take shortcuts in government. “Nuclear Option, Remove the Filibuster, I’ll change the Constitution by Executive Order…Don…what happens when you remove the filibuster and the other side retakes the majority in the Senate? Suddenly want that filibuster back? What happens if you manage to change the Constitution by Executive Order and an Anti-2A President wins the next election?

J.) He behaves and has always behaved as an unabashed racist. Yes, I’ve seen your favorite meme that claims he was never accused of racism before the Democrats…Absolutely false. Donald Trump’s long history of racism, from the 1970s to 2019 See the Central Park 5, the lawsuits and fines resulting from his refusal to lease to black tenants, the 1992 lost appeal trying to overturn penalties for removing black dealers from tables, his remarks to the house native American affairs subcommittee in 1993. The man sees and treats racial groups of people as monoliths.

K.) He is systematically steamrolling regulations specifically designed to keep a disaster like the 2007 subprime mortgage crisis from happening again.

L.) He speaks and acts like a demagogue. He sees the Legislative and Judicial branches of government as inconveniences, blows up at criticism no matter how deserved and actively tries to countermand constitutional processes, not to mention attempts to blackmail and coerce people who are saying negative things about him

M.) His choices for top positions, with the exception of Gen. Mattis, who is a gem, have been horrendous. A secretary of Education without a resume that would get her hired as a small town grammar school principal, A secretary of Energy who didn't know the Department of Energy was responsible for nuclear reserves, an EPA head whose biggest accomplishments to date had been suing the EPA on multiple occasions, an FCC head who while working for Verizon actively lobbied to kill net neutrality, and an Attorney General who thinks pot is “nearly as bad as heroin” and asked Congress for permission to go after legal pot businesses in states where it is legal. (There goes that great Republican States rights rally cry again, right? *Crickets*) An Interim AG after Firing his First AG who’s appointment is probably unconstitutional.

N.) He denies scientific fact. Ever notice that the only people you hear denying climate change are politicians and lobbyists? 99% of actual scientists studying the issue agree that it’s real, man-made and caused by greenhouse gasses. Ever notice that every big disaster movie starts with a bunch of politicians in a room ignoring a scientist's warning?

0.) He does not have the temperament to lead this nation. He is Thin Skinned, childish, and a bully, never mind misogynistic, boorish, rude, and incapable of civil discourse.

P.) He still does not understand that the words he speaks, or tweets, are the official position of 1/3 of the US government, and so does not govern his words. He still thinks when he speaks it’s good ol’ Donald Trump. It’s not. It’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. You have probably spread a meme or two around talking about how no president’s every word has ever been dissected before…YES, THEY ALWAYS HAVE. It’s just that every other president in our lifetime has understood the importance of his words and took great care to govern his speech. Trump blurts out whatever comes to his mind then complains when people talk about what a dumb thing that was to say.

Q.) He’s unqualified. If you owned a small business and were looking for someone to manage it, and an unnamed resume came across your desk and you saw 6 bankruptcies, showing a man who had failed to make money running CASINOS, would you hire him? He is a very poor businessman. This is a man it has been estimated would have been worth $10 BILLION more if he’d just taken what his father had given him, invested it in Index Funds and left it alone.

R.) He is President. But he refuses to take a leadership position and understand that he is everyone’s President. Conservatives complain about liberals chanting “Not my President” while Trump himself behaves as if no one but his supporters matter.

S.) He’s a blatant hypocrite. He spent 8 years bitching Obama out for his family trips, or golfing, or any time he took for himself, and what does he do? He was already on his 20th golf outing in APRIL of his 1st year in office. He constantly rants about respect for the military, yet can’t be bothered to attend the 100th anniversary of Armistice Day because of a little rain. (And that excuse about Marine One not being able to fly in the rain is HILARIOUS.)

T.) He’s a misogynist. It's not really ok in this day and age to be a misogynist, but it’s not a huge deal if you’re a private citizen. It’s a pretty big deal if you hate half the people you’re elected to lead. The disdain for women seeps out of his …whatever…. and he just can’t hide it.

U.) Face it. In any other election “Grab 'em’ By the Pussy” would have been the end of that candidate’s chances. Back in the 90’s I used to marvel about how Teflon Bill Clinton was. I no longer do. The fact that he managed to slip by on that is as much a statement about how much people hate Hillary Clinton as it is about what is wrong with politics in this country right now.

V.) He has one response to a differing opinion. Attack. A good leader listens to criticism, to different points of view, is capable of self-reflection, tries to guide people to his point of view, and when necessary stands his ground and defends his convictions. Any of that sound like Trump? His default is not to Lead, its’ to attack. Scorched Earth. The Jim Acosta reaction is a good example. There was no defense of his convictions when Acosta was asking him repeated questions about his rhetoric on the caravan. His response was to attack Acosta.

W.) He takes credit for everything positive while deflecting blame for everything negative. Look at him with the Stock Market. He’s been bragging about it since day one, and to give credit where credit is due, speculation on coming deregulation early in his presidency did fuel some rapid growth, but to pretend that it’s all him, that we’re not in the 9th year of the longest bull market in history and THEN, when the standard market volatility that deregulation inevitably brings about starts to show up? Yeah. Look at yesterday. Hey! Stock Markets losing because the Democrats won! Do I need to bring out the Stock market chart for the last 10 Years again?

X.) He emboldens the worst among us. Counter-protesters are slammed into by a car while countering actual Nazi rally, and the response is there’s fault on “Both Sides” The media is at fault for a nut job sending them and Donald’s favorite targets pipe bombs. The truth is not all Republicans, not all Trump Supporters are racist, fascist lunatics. Many are just taken in by the bombastic personality and are living in an information bubble made worse by the fact that they unfollow anyone and ignore any source of information that makes them feel uncomfortable. People on the left do that too. The Biggest problem the right has right now is that the worst of the Right is the loudest and the most in your face, and the actual right, especially the Freaking PRESIDENT needs to be standing up and saying No. Those are not our values.

Y.) He seems to think the Constitution of The United States, the document that IS who we are, the document he took an oath to support and defend is some sort of inconvenience. He demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of Constitution, from believing he can alter the 14th through executive order, to thinking The free exercise clause in the first amendment somehow supersedes the establishment clause (not that he really understands either) or that the free exercise clause only applies to Christians. Or his attacks on freedom of expression and the press. He repeatedly makes it clear that if he’s read them, he does not understand Articles 1–3, and that’s something he really should have before he took the job, because they’re not going away.

Z.) I’ll use Z for something I do blame him for, but the rest of us have to carry the blame too. Polarization. This country is more politically polarized than I can remember in my lifetime. Some of you who are a few years older than I may remember how it was in the late 60’s when construction workers in New York were being applauded for beating up hippies, I think it’s pretty close to that right now, but that was before my time. And he is the cause of much of the current level polarization, but also the result. It didn't’ start with Trump. We’ve been going down this road I think since the eruption of the Tea Party in the early years of the Obama Administration. I do hope the tide turns before it gets much worse because the thing that scares me more than anything is what if that keeps going the way it has been? "

Political Racism

<political rant>
When I was 20, I was living in Boston. I was in a conversation with someone and I said a phrase that I had heard or said much of my life up to that point. Considering I was in this conversation with a charming black woman, my gray matter pushed out to me almost immediately how racist what I just said was. I did a lot of soul searching after that point, realizing how stupid racist remarks had made their way into my lexicon. This was the first environment where I wasn’t dealing with 99.8% white people. I had to learn to check my mouth because I didn’t want to be a jerk. It didn’t stop me from being one, I just didn’t want to be one.

So our president, in the given context, said an incredibly racist thing. Maybe he didn’t realize how bad it was, as he isn’t very self-aware. Heck, growing up, I said the same thing. (see above for my repentance.) Ok. Let’s give him a benefit of a doubt. It is still a completely un-American thing to say. We are a country of immigrants. We all came from somewhere else (even Native Americans). My own heritage is of German refugees. Our constitution has qualifications for serving in our government of the people. The women he criticized all qualified and were elected by their fellow Americans. The fact that they want the country to go in a different direction does not qualify for them for an “un-American” status. They can advocate for anything they want. Our constitution says they can. They can be communist, socialist, centrist, liberal, conservative, libertarian, anarchist or advocate for better social networks, tax-free corporations, nudist parks, Amish construction standards…any damned thing they want. This is America. They are doing fine where they are.

I sit at work with my team. Seven people, all from a different country than where they work. My manager is Indian. His manager is Chinese. Hers is Indian. I feel incredibly blessed to work with such a diverse and good set of people. My children are of three different races.  They are wonderful people and as American as I am.

Telling people to “go back where they came from” is entirely missing the point of this country. I wish our country’s motto would return to “E Pluribus Unum”, because we seem to forget that.

</political rant>

Invaded by Mormons

This won't be that insightful. It is just something that happened.

Tracy and I were in the living room yesterday. We weren't doing anything really, just watching TV. Someone knocked on the door. I didn't feel any need to answer. That is a skill I learned over the years. I am quite happy not engaging with people at times. Bennet, however, always on the prowl for his friend to come over and take him away from his mundane family, had to look out the window.

"I don't know who they are."

Dang it. That means Tracy will get up. I was hoping she hadn't heard their announcement of their presence. If it wasn't for the movement I saw through the window, I wouldn't have known anyone had knocked.

"Don't do it. And I don't want any." is my usual statement in situations like this.

Tracy looked out the window and walked back to her chair, "I don't want to talk with them."

"Why, who is it?"

"I don't know. Two guys with clipboards. I don't want to talk to anyone with a clipboard."

If I ever do see the clipboard and answer the door, my usual first sentence is, "Why didn't you honor the sign (pointing to the no soliciting sign) and not bother me?" Followed by "I won't buy anything from you because you didn't honor my wishes the first time." Yeah, I'm kinda harsh considering I spent two years knocking on doors for my religious mission. I guess I have sympathy for people doing it for their beliefs, but not for sales.

Hayden came in and asked, "Was our house invaded by Mormons?"

Tracy laughed and I looked at her and asked, "Is he self-aware at all?"

I just ruminated on it for a bit. If it wasn't for being triggered by my own PTSD with my mission, Hayden might have been doing his own invading. He was 18. That is the age they send missionaries out. Instead, he was enjoying his life, his car, and the freedom that being an adult brings.

Some missionaries had a great time. I didn't. As my own children were growing and as we were still members of the Mormon church, I didn't know how to bring that up with anyone as they neared the age when the church puts on the pressure to go on missions. It turns out, my faith crumbled away as Hayden turned 12 and eventually the church did things that drove the rest of the family away from it. It removed a lot of obligation from me to force the kids to attend something they clearly did not enjoy, as they told us later for confirmation. Aside from Hayden, they had never passed into the "belief" phase with church so they never had that sense of betrayal to deal with. Hayden never believed and was vocal about it, so I didn't have his entire teen years to try and push him to conformity. I say that knowing I wouldn't anyway. My parents didn't push me into religion, at least the level I let myself become involved, and I wouldn't push my own kids. My reasons for belief are complex and personal.

So my children don't have to invade other's homes. I'm okay with that. 

What the Actual....

I really don't have words strong enough.

What the Actual....

Just wanted to sell her phone.