To Eclipse and Back, Part 2

At 12, I grabbed my towel to sit on, my hat, my glasses, a bottle of water and I trudged up the hill. Totality would hit at 1:20 but it would start at 11:56. Nothing really interesting would happen, I figured, until around 50%. The hill was a bit steeper than I expected but no biggie. Once I got there, I found that there was still some shade under an apple tree. So there I sat, peering through the leaves occasionally as the moon slid over the face of the sun.

After I was up there around 20 minutes, a truck pulled up and the driver came out and asked, "Since you are here all alone, can I assume that you own this place?"
"Nope, just wanted to get away from everyone down the hill. Plus I want to see the shadow and I need to be high up to see the horizon."
"Well, care for some company?"
"Sure."

So there we sat. I was more comfortable in the shade but he seemed to want to be in the sun, looking through his 4 or 5 filters to see the sun. I made a call to Tracy to let her know I was positioned and to see how things were going on up north. As the time passed and totality drew near, I attempted to talk to Tracy and climb up the steep embankment on the south side of the road, to get the best view that I could. In the meantime, another person had joined us and was chatting both of us up pretty well. It was established that these two were from Texas, and then talked Texas to each other. I had no interest in conversation with them at this point, I just wanted to experience the eclipse. When I only had a few minutes left, I said goodbye to Tracy and messed with my phone, a new Samsung s8, to capture the shadow along the horizon. I was pretty sure the camera wouldn't be able to capture the sun very well. It wasn't made for that kind of thing.

I captured what I have on video. I hate my voice. Still, I absolutely wasn't expecting to see what the title photo above shows. I was expecting seeing a light ring, but I wasn't prepared to see the corona like that. It was captivating. All I could think of is what people millennia ago would have thought, to see the sun like that. It was awe inspiring to say the least. And the shadow. You could see its edges all around. While I didn't get a real horizon shot, the clouds presented a good reference for where the shadow struck.

At one point of the eclipse, at the end of totality, I saw Baily's Beads. That was a fitting end for me; to see the mountains of the moon, or at least their valleys. The the diamond appeared. We get the idea that the sun has this nice yellow light but the diamond gave me a shot of brilliant, stark white light. I made the comment that it "was so harsh" and it was, compared to being in shadow. I stopped the video and just looked around at the light building once again on the countryside. There was a book that I read when I was a child about farming on the moons of Jupiter. One of the characters asked the protagonist at one point about why there was so much light so far from the sun. The reply was that the eye only needs about 5% of the light on earth to see quite fine, and I think that is what I was experiencing. It wasn't long at all before I could see just fine.

BTW, yes, the birds went quiet. Anyone who has lived in the country knows that crickets are always making racket but the absense of other critters makes them more pronounced.

My Eclipse Video

I called Tracy and excitedly told her what I had just experienced.  I stumbled down the embankment and talked about my trip down the hill. "I don't know how I'm going to get my pants on."
"Your pants? Were you doing some naked eclipse dance or something?"
"No. I just changed into my shorts in the open when I arrived but now there are hundreds of people down there. I guess I could change in the restroom."

And now, the fun begins.....

To be continued.

To Eclipse and Back. Part 1

I must say that I probably did obsess a bit more about the eclipse than I should have. There were a few reasons. I wanted to see it once I heard it was passing so close to where I live and I really didn’t have any other trip planned this year. I’ve had one arm that had issues ever since a certain ice storm in January 2015 that didn’t clear up until well after a year. Then something screwed up my leg last year that caused my knee to hurt substantially until very early spring this year. I was, frankly, quite sick of being in a state where I couldn’t move around. So when news of the eclipse happened, I took it as a goal to get to the eclipse.

Then a new job presented itself in the spring and many of my plans for this summer would have to take a back seat. In addition, Tracy had her job now and we had a lot on our plate. On July 5th or 6th, I was coming home from downtown and as I stepped off the train, I noticed that the time was a minute or so before the bus would leave for Elgin. I had difficulty with running as I was wearing the pair of jeans that just didn’t fit right and wanted to slip off at any opportunity. I grabbed hold of my belt and made for the station exit as fast as I could safely do. Train stations aren’t necessarily made for speed. I made it to the exit just as the bus was pulling away. In futility, I raised my arm trying to get the attention of the driver…*POP!*…I almost buckled. What happened, I don’t know, but it was the most pain I ever remember experiencing. It was blinding. I stumbled over to the wall trying to figure out what happened to me.

What followed was a month of limping and occasional screaming. That first night was horrible, but it did get better with time. I always kept an eye towards August 21st, knowing that I wanted to ride my motorcycle down to the eclipse. I eventually felt comfortable enough to ride the bike, but it did hurt after a short time on the seat. I worried if I could make it the 6 hours down and 6 hours back.

And then it became difficult to concentrate. I haven’t taken any significant time off all year and it was telling. I just stared at maps trying to figure out where to park, where to sit, what to take on my limited storage space….By the time I was to go, I was starting to lose sleep. This was the farthest, I think, I’ve been on the bike. And yes, I was still in Illinois. Illinois is painfully long.

I originally was going to view the eclipse in Karnak, IL. I wanted to bike the Tunnel Hill Trail this year and it was located towards one end of the trail. Of course, my interest in Egyptology drove that decision more than anything. I looked at Google Maps looking for shade and bathroom facilities. I then found a state rec area just to the west of there along the trail that would have water, bathroom and other things. Then in my research, I found that it would be closed. Yeah, I could easily drive around the gate or even park the bike somewhere along the path and walk to it. Instead, I noticed some pull-offs along a nearby road. I figured it was surrounded by swamp so I might have some sense of privacy. Lots of bushes if I needed to use them for cover. And still, I looked along the trail for alternatives to park the bike if needed. I didn’t know how crowded it would really be. Best to look for even more alternatives.

Tunnel Hill. It was no more than a few houses but there is a parking area and a bathroom. I’m sure it was a horrendous facility but in a pinch, I had it there.  It would also help if others were there so I could change into my shorts once I arrived. I decided that it would be my first stop. If there was parking, that is where I would be. I could also get away by going up the hill and that should provide a view of the shadow that I was expecting.

I was starting to get more nervous in the days immediately before the eclipse. I was planning to leave at 3 am which should get me there around 9 am. I then decided in my anxiety that I should probably leave at 2 am. I kept an eye on the weather forecast and it looked like I would be following some rain around Champaign and there was about a 30% chance of rain late in the evening. I should probably be home before I would worry too much about that.  I was debating on whether I should go south on US45 and return back on that. It was out of the way and surface streets, but it really mattered how many other people were considering going that way. If things got bad, I could always go overland if I still had a charge on the phone to guide my way. I’ll probably wait to see how busy the expressway will be.

I woke up around midnight on the 21st and stumbled around until 2 getting everything ready and made my way south. The route was down Illinois 47 to Champaign and then I-57 all the way down. I wish there was something interesting to say about the trip down. I was travelling faster than I cared to, about 80mph. I did stop at Effingham for gas and while it was crowded, I wasn’t hampered by anything. Somewhere around Salem the traffic stopped while drivers were distracted by a crop duster but other than that…nothing to really mention. I exited at I-24 and a few miles on, I saw the exit labeled Tunnel Hill and a short trip later, I arrived at the parking area. It was already about half full at 9:30 am. I parked the bike, changed into my shorts between my bike and the truck to the other side of me and grabbed my towel and looked for a shady spot along the path to wait for about noon for my walk up the hill. To my surprise, my leg wasn't hurting me at all and all I really needed to concentrate on was getting enough water.

Not all that interesting yet….the fun stuff comes later.

$&)*@!

I've not been one to swear. Well, not one to swear in public. I've had my issues in the past but I have made conscious efforts to not verbalize them. I still have a bit of Turrets in that I remember some stupid thing that I did in the past and I utter some exclamation. I've tried to keep that at a minimum.

The other day, I had the house to myself and I was working on something in the kitchen and it started to go wrong. I won't go into any detail but I was starting to make a mess. While it became worse and worse, I found myself wanting to shout in frustration. Decades of training myself to swallow those words were brought to the fore. Do I let my anger out? No one is at home, so I should be safe. It would make me feel better....In a short space of a few seconds, I had an entire discussion with myself to allow myself to express myself in such a way. In the end, the situation won out, and I exclaimed the word.

Me: %&*$%^!!
Madsen: Are you okay Dad?

What?! What is he doing home.....*sigh* Am I ever truly alone? Do I have to explain this to him?

Me: I'm fine, just frustrated.

So, while I could let fly a blue streak in High School (but I never talked much so few heard it), I have been restrained much of my life afterwards. When I do use a choice word, my son realizes that it is unusual and asks me if I'm okay. So, I guess that is a small victory.

That's it. Just a look in on my uneventful life.

That Frantic Year

Do you remember that frantic year, the year we were first married? Well, maybe not the first year, but the second year. We had so much to do and so much to see. You were showing me a world I never knew existed, the one that you took for granted. Never before had I seen so much rock, age and desolation, and my reaction to it was so much different than my first years there. This is the world you grew up in and it was so foreign to me. I came from lands that were green and covered in trees. My vistas took me to the next forest, your vistas took me to other states spanning millions of years.

Do you remember how much we worked and studied? We spent all our time cramming in equations and case studies. In our time off we worked in cleaning others' messes. We only had one and a half day off any given week. We would throw everything needed in the car and drive to the nearest exit, making sure we stopped first for soda and potato wedges. We would alternate compass headings and go and see things that I had never seen before.

One of our trips we headed north to Idaho Falls. We were thinking we could make a visit to the temple there, but we decided that we had other things to do. We went to Craters of the Moon. These were the days before the internet. I had no idea what to expect. I certainly wasn't expecting what we found there. I didn't know such a place existed on the continent. I know I had shoes that weren't up to the task for such a place. My oxford tennis shoes were not made for this.

We stopped at EBR1. I can't remember if I knew it was there or not. I was so fascinated by nuclear reactors at the time. And why wouldn't I be? Put rocks together and they get hot. Put them together really quickly and you get them to explode. I still marvel at the concept. We learned about the plans to build a nuclear plane, one that could stay aloft for days, if not months. I recall something being said about the huge runway that would have to be built to allow such a large and heavy plane to take off and land.

Did we camp there? I can't remember.. If we did, it must have been a hard sleep; nothing but rock and sand to rest upon. If I recall, we just got in the car and came home. We would normally arrive late at night, having to wake early the next day for school or work. I don't know if we worked the same shift that year. I am pretty sure I worked the late shift by then. We would see so little of each other during the week.

Work all week, just to repeat our travels the next weekend.

God, I learned so much that year. I learned how to live with someone I loved. It was wanting to be with each other that got us through. I made so many mistakes that year. I'm glad you were so patient with me.

1. Barry Blather: Asking For What You Need

I've decided that I read and want to comment on articles enough that I'm just going to give it a title of sorts. It is more like trying my hand at a subject, one that someone else writes.

I know I spend a lot of time on my blog writing about relationships. It isn't that I'm particularly good at it. I read a lot and I'm trying to improve who I am, and also realize the mistakes I've made in the past, or last night. I make a lot of mistakes.

The article I'm taking on today is from The Good Men Project. It is a site that has some good times and some bad. I think it depends on who is editing it at the time. Anyway, the article is Asking For What You Need in a Relationship.

For some background, I've been very bad at this. Aside from asking Tracy for some attention at times, I don't think I ever was specific. Like the thing that drove me nuts, I approached things obliquely. I didn't want to create any kind of confrontation....well, let's get into the article, shall we?

We don’t know what our needs are.
I think this is somewhat true. I think that desires to be with someone early in the relationship might overshadow even those needs that we do know about. You make excuses because you want to be with this person. You want their desires and needs met, not your own and so when the relationship cools, you find out that the person just isn't what you personally need.

We fear that our partner may not be willing or able to meet our needs.
Fear stops us from doing a lot of things. It certainly has played a big role in my life, making me take avenues I wouldn't have otherwise. It translated into my relationships with people. It kept a lot of things down because my biggest desire was to love someone, and I didn't want that person to leave me because I had some "unreasonable" request or expectation. This probably played the largest part of my life that are listed in this article. (I can elaborate if you want.)

We don't want to appear 'needy'.
I think some of these are related for me. I have a high need for intimacy. I want downtime where I am doing nothing but holding her hand or stroking her hair. I want to be touched and just feel present with the person. Some of the expectations or perceived expectations that I felt, as a man, made that seem unmasculine (is that a word?). Those issues loomed large probably until my mid 30's into my 40's.

Basic lack of self-confidence.
To a point. I think that a good deal of self-confidence is healthy, but it can turn demanding. I am still thinking about this issue. At one time, I was very deferential but I had to balance my needs to the other's desires. I think I've achieved a good balance now in my life, but I struggled with finding this much of my life. I'm still not sure if I can verbalize the situation now.

We learned from the best.
I'm not one to publically criticize my parent's and other's relationships with each other. That said, I understand the significance of this point.

Fear of hurting someone's feelings.
This plays a huge role. You want to be with them. You don't get to be with someone if you tell them that they are doing something wrong. Well, you don't want this to happen if you have any form of empathy.

Inability to assert ourselves.
This would be a lot earlier aside from that empathy thing, that I noted above. At least, I see it that way. It also plays into the confidence issue. At least, this would be the case with me.

A disengaged partner.
I'm more than happy that I've never experienced this, aside from some of the first dates I had with Tracy. (There were reasons.) This is something that I learned in that hectic year of dating the year I got back from my mission. I wasn't going to spend any time with someone that didn't want to be there. Funny thing is, that is what led me to stop dating Tracy even though I was crazy about her. She wasn't "present" enough for me so I stopped asking her out. She later inserted herself back into my life and we, or at least I, haven't had that issue since. That isn't to say that in the ebb and flow of relationships we haven't had quiet times, but we have engaged each other. Sometimes that led to disagreements. Sometimes more understanding. I can't say that it has always been a smooth ride, but I think I have a good handle on this.

The original article is better, more general. I'd read that if I were you.

Saying Goodbye to Downtown, For Now

I spoke to my manager last Wednesday and it seems that a phase of my life is over. I'm not saying that it wasn't welcome, but it is time to move on to something else.

Last March, I was transferred to a group of developers downtown that work for a piece of software that E911 centers use to manage calls and radios as well as things like the location of law enforcement and traffic cameras. It really is impressive. I came to them as a temporary loan until FirstNet comes on line which has some foreign governments as well as Homeland Security as customers. I was to learn the platform and some other aspects of the software. In that, I think I did okay, as the tech used is completely new to me and on operating systems that I haven't historically concentrated upon. That as well as being in a new environment for me. Downtown. It took 2 hours commute each way to get there. I was working with a group instead of just myself. This was new on so many levels.

I didn't do too well. There are a lot of reasons. Some were my own background. Some were psychological. Some were the new manager's. Some were the lack of any on-boarding. I could probably write a long dissertation on all that went wrong. At some point last month, I came to a realization that this wasn't going to change and I went through a loss of all the stress I was feeling and went into a kind of apathy. I wanted to get back to Support and learn what my future role with FirstNet would be. I wanted, if nothing else, to feel competent again. I'm still surprised how much that experience of almost complete confusion and lack of peer support affected me and my view of my profession. It could have been much different, and it honestly should have been.

So while I was chatting with my wife last Friday on the 39th floor, my manager there was hearing that I was moving back to Schaumburg.

I will focus on the positive. I learned a lot. I became much more comfortable with the platform and technology. It will eventually be part of the platform I'm to support, and I hope to be ready for it. I still have a lot to learn and prepare for. That baptism into ignorance taught me a lot about myself. I will say that it was a valuable time for me.

Sometime in the next week, I'll once again go downtown. I'll make sure my computer there is clean and things are backed up onto the cloud. I'll turn it in to the IT dept there. That computer I spent the last 4 years on. It was a backbreaker. I can't say I will be sad to see it go as my new laptop is much more portable. I'll pack away my writing utensils and other computer bricker-brack and turn in my badge. I can always come into downtown when I want to, but I'll have to get a pass from the security desk downstairs. My manager once told me that I was the only one in the company that had 2 desks assigned. I don't know how true that is, but it was kind of interesting. Many others float around to the various facilities. I was just assigned to a place in two of them.

And away we go. It isn't like supporting the law-enforcement network and software for the country isn't stressful enough so I'll have plenty of sleepless nights ahead of me.

Not Horrific At All. Whatchyou Talkin' 'bout?

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/20/this-inspirational-story-about-a-doubting-mormon-is-horrific/

I share this story to say a couple of things, mostly selfish things. This is a story of an abusive relationship, one of conditional love. It was quickly pulled and replaced without the coercive issues, but the internet remembers.

I went on my mission with no expectations from my parents, unlike those in the article. I simply wanted to be a good person and show some gratitude for my situation which at the time was pretty awesome. It was the worst decision / experience I've ever had in my, admittedly, fairly non-eventful life. It has taken me decades to unpack it and even mentioning it, in all truthfulness, makes me feel like I've betrayed everything and everyone in my life to this day. I've tried to come to terms with it, with varying degrees of success.

No one should feel that that love is conditional on your expectations.

Everyone should be able to change their life for what they feel would be better, even if that means your expectations of them might have to change.

Cultural expectations can change if those that lead that culture make it happen. I should have come home after my time in the MTC. I was depressed beyond any level in my life before or since. I was told by my leaders how disappointed they were in me. While my friends and family might have accepted my coming home early, I knew that my life would be drastically different if I did. I couldn't live with my perceived failure with my adopted people, to live what I believed then. It was a horrible choice to make at the time but I chose to stay on my mission. I've had to live with that decision too.

There is nothing amusing about abandoning a family member because they don't do the things you want them to. Coercion should not be part of life or parenting.