Saying Goodbye to Downtown, For Now

I spoke to my manager last Wednesday and it seems that a phase of my life is over. I'm not saying that it wasn't welcome, but it is time to move on to something else.

Last March, I was transferred to a group of developers downtown that work for a piece of software that E911 centers use to manage calls and radios as well as things like the location of law enforcement and traffic cameras. It really is impressive. I came to them as a temporary loan until FirstNet comes on line which has some foreign governments as well as Homeland Security as customers. I was to learn the platform and some other aspects of the software. In that, I think I did okay, as the tech used is completely new to me and on operating systems that I haven't historically concentrated upon. That as well as being in a new environment for me. Downtown. It took 2 hours commute each way to get there. I was working with a group instead of just myself. This was new on so many levels.

I didn't do too well. There are a lot of reasons. Some were my own background. Some were psychological. Some were the new manager's. Some were the lack of any on-boarding. I could probably write a long dissertation on all that went wrong. At some point last month, I came to a realization that this wasn't going to change and I went through a loss of all the stress I was feeling and went into a kind of apathy. I wanted to get back to Support and learn what my future role with FirstNet would be. I wanted, if nothing else, to feel competent again. I'm still surprised how much that experience of almost complete confusion and lack of peer support affected me and my view of my profession. It could have been much different, and it honestly should have been.

So while I was chatting with my wife last Friday on the 39th floor, my manager there was hearing that I was moving back to Schaumburg.

I will focus on the positive. I learned a lot. I became much more comfortable with the platform and technology. It will eventually be part of the platform I'm to support, and I hope to be ready for it. I still have a lot to learn and prepare for. That baptism into ignorance taught me a lot about myself. I will say that it was a valuable time for me.

Sometime in the next week, I'll once again go downtown. I'll make sure my computer there is clean and things are backed up onto the cloud. I'll turn it in to the IT dept there. That computer I spent the last 4 years on. It was a backbreaker. I can't say I will be sad to see it go as my new laptop is much more portable. I'll pack away my writing utensils and other computer bricker-brack and turn in my badge. I can always come into downtown when I want to, but I'll have to get a pass from the security desk downstairs. My manager once told me that I was the only one in the company that had 2 desks assigned. I don't know how true that is, but it was kind of interesting. Many others float around to the various facilities. I was just assigned to a place in two of them.

And away we go. It isn't like supporting the law-enforcement network and software for the country isn't stressful enough so I'll have plenty of sleepless nights ahead of me.

Not Horrific At All. Whatchyou Talkin' 'bout?

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/20/this-inspirational-story-about-a-doubting-mormon-is-horrific/

I share this story to say a couple of things, mostly selfish things. This is a story of an abusive relationship, one of conditional love. It was quickly pulled and replaced without the coercive issues, but the internet remembers.

I went on my mission with no expectations from my parents, unlike those in the article. I simply wanted to be a good person and show some gratitude for my situation which at the time was pretty awesome. It was the worst decision / experience I've ever had in my, admittedly, fairly non-eventful life. It has taken me decades to unpack it and even mentioning it, in all truthfulness, makes me feel like I've betrayed everything and everyone in my life to this day. I've tried to come to terms with it, with varying degrees of success.

No one should feel that that love is conditional on your expectations.

Everyone should be able to change their life for what they feel would be better, even if that means your expectations of them might have to change.

Cultural expectations can change if those that lead that culture make it happen. I should have come home after my time in the MTC. I was depressed beyond any level in my life before or since. I was told by my leaders how disappointed they were in me. While my friends and family might have accepted my coming home early, I knew that my life would be drastically different if I did. I couldn't live with my perceived failure with my adopted people, to live what I believed then. It was a horrible choice to make at the time but I chose to stay on my mission. I've had to live with that decision too.

There is nothing amusing about abandoning a family member because they don't do the things you want them to. Coercion should not be part of life or parenting.

The Ten Commandments ... of Relationships

A friend of mine posted a link on her facebook page, and I took a keen interest in it. The original article is called The Ten Commandments of Dating but I look at things with a more macro-view. While it has been a long time since I ever "dated" anyone, not that I was particularly good at it, I like reading things about dating because much of it can be used in regular interactions. The things that people use to keep someone's interest for intimate relationships can be used, generally, for other relationships. In my early 20s, being fully aware that I didn't want to be alone, I decided that those more self-centered days were behind me and I needed to become someone that people would want to be around. Don't take this that I, in any way, feel like I've succeeded, even at this late date in my life. Most of the time I'm more concerned with not offending anyone but I do want to be seen as someone of interest. Indeed, I've often wondered what it would be like to date again knowing how much I've changed and how differently I would approach it than I did when I was younger. Not that I'm seeking that out or that I'm unhappy in my current relationship with Tracy. It is more an idle thought.

Anyway, this article sums up a lot of nice things. It can be used in building better relationships of all kinds. It is healthier if nothing else.

1. Be honest. Just be upfront about who you are and what you’re looking for. The right people will be totally into that, and the ones who aren’t won’t waste your time (and you won’t be wasting theirs either).

This sounds so easy. I guess it is. I hold strong opinions about some things, but I'm also very aware that I could be completely wrong. That has really muted some of my emotional outbursts. There are some things that I do feel that I'm not wrong about. Empathy, love and having respect for other people are things that I would like to advocate more and I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong about it. I've tried to be more vocal about how I feel about people and even to the point of letting them know that I like having them around me, that they change me for the better. Some people I'm more reserved around, not sure that they are ready to see that side of me.

In my relationship with Tracy, we've had our own moments of honesty, and it has changed our relationships. I know I pay too much attention to what I see as expectations, and it has gotten in my way in the past. I think we have become more accepting of each other.

2. Be interested. It helps if you actually want to know more about us than what we look like naked. Be interested in what we like to do outside of work and what we think about and the things we enjoy. And don’t be condescending when we like a show or movie that you don’t enjoy. That can go both ways. Just try to get to know us as people. Ask questions. Express curiosity. We love this!

OK. Considering my religious upbringing and my current state of wedded bliss, I'm not trying to get anyone naked so let's just concentrate on the command. I have found that there are elements of people's lives that fascinate me. In the past I would have been more dismissive but not so much now. I try to find something interesting about someone, even if they wear some of those interests on their sleeves that don't spark my curiosity. People have a lot of facets. Tracy likes Disney. Me, not so much. However, what I find interesting in her, and what I found interesting about her when we were dating is a sense of adventure that I used to do new and different things that I might not have done if left on my own.

In a recent trip to Oregon, I went to the coast with a friend and she took me to an incredible restaurant. I mentioned at the time that "I wouldn't normally have stopped at a place like this." And I don't know if she took it as a criticism. I tried to explain, and I think this was evident to her, that when I travel alone, I get pretty focused on some things and food isn't one of them. If I didn't have an issue with fainting when my blood sugar drops, I would forget to eat altogether. It was a very nice place, and I should have been better at listening to her to realize her interest in the place (and her interest in showing it to me.)

3. Be interesting. It’s great to check in every day and ask how we’re doing. But if that’s the only conversation we have, we’re not going to stay interested. Tell us about you, or ask some questions. Open up some topics for conversation and actually participate beyond small talk. While I love to be asked out for an actual date, know that I’m raising an eyebrow when you don’t even attempt to get to know me in the meantime. When the date is confirmed and then you aren’t in contact until then, I’m questioning your motives, and I’m wondering if I’m actually going to get stood up. You know, again.

I would think that I might digress into talking too much about myself. Plus, I have the fear that what I'm interested in wouldn't be that interesting to others. There are a few things that I'm passionate about and they are either geeky or somewhat obscure. I find most things about computers completely engrossing. That would tend to alienate some people. In nature, I love volcanoes. The whole concept of molten rock coming out of the ground and the sheer power of it is incredible. Does that mean that I should have found someone that shares those interests? Is it the power of passion that is more interesting? Tracy has passions that don't interest me but I know that she feels strongly about them. I like those things because she likes them.

4. Keep your word. If you say you’ll call, call. If you say you’ll text, text. If you make a date, show up for it. Confirming in advance is nice, too. Just do what you say you’ll do. And if you don’t, take some responsibility. I cannot count how many times pneumonia has reared its ugly head as the excuse that someone has ghosted me completely for days or weeks on end.
Sure, pneumonia happens. I’m not typically paranoid, but there must be an epidemic for as many times as I’ve heard that one. And most of you are still sitting up in your hospital bed tapping away at your phone, on social media, chatting with your friends. So you are perfectly able to respond. And if you actually can’t, be honest.

Keeping your word is needed in almost all facets of life, otherwise, you might be elected president. You'll also make no one trust you. I haven't been in that situation much that I know of, but I assume that it would be horrible. I depend on that trust for all my relationships. When I tell Tracy that I'll be somewhere, I do my best to be there. If I can't, I make sure and tell her. It is simple respect for the other person. If you can't respect the other person, it is best to move on. That is true with long-term commitments like marriage just as much as dating. If you can't respect the other person, don't ruin or waste their lives with your issues.

5. Be a gentleman. This hasn’t gone out of style. Open doors, pay the tab, do all of those traditional things. But it doesn’t hurt to go one further. Dress nicely to make a good first impression. Show that you put some effort into the evening as well. And I know that almost no one does it anymore, but flowers or candy are still nice gestures. And it never hurts to avoid controversial topics on a first date such as politics and religion. If they come up and you disagree, it’s entirely okay not to get into an argument about it and to return to more neutral subjects.

 I don't know if this would be wrapped up in my respect issues. Being a gentleman is, to me, not being a jerk taken to 11. You are spending their time, part of their life, to be with you. Respect that commitment to you.

6. Don’t mansplain. Not ever. If you don’t know what mansplaining is, please educate yourself and don’t ever do it again. There’s not a bigger turnoff on Earth than a man trying to educate us on our own opinion or, heaven forbid, attempt to educate us about our experience of being women, you know from the male-privilege point of view. Refer back to #2. Actually be interested in knowing us. Not in trying to correct us.

I've been guilty of this in varying degrees. I didn't realize what it was called. Like a lot of things in my life, I didn't realize there were words for this stuff. Once it was explained to me, I became more aware of it. I don't know if I told anyone what their opinions were or what they mean, but I apologize if I ever did. I know I've become much more open to my own errors and if I do this, please, in the name of all that is holy, tell me that I'm doing it. I'll try not to be upset. I know I have faults, and the ones associated with relationships are what take most of my interest and work to overcome.

7. Don’t feel that sex needs to be clarified in advance. I will never, ever understand why men I don’t know actually expect me to volunteer if I’m going to sleep with them or not. I mean, have we met yet? Are we close like that?
I’m not making any judgments on women who choose to sleep with total strangers. I’m not going to perpetuate that particular double standard. I will say that I don’t find that I have chemistry with just anyone. And I find it a wee bit insulting that we’re skipping getting-to-know-each-other part for the getting-each-other-naked part. Or the attempt. Foreplay includes that slow build-up of getting to know one another—taking those smaller steps along the way.
We don’t really need a picture of your equipment. Particularly since size doesn’t necessarily equate to knowing how to operate said equipment. Or know anything about ours. And why ask to see us naked before you’ve actually seen us, you know, clothed? It seems a sad, strange business, particularly when you’re saying you want a relationship. Perhaps you should refer to #1 and start all over.

 I recently read an article about the missing second acts in many movies, the superhero movies in particular. It goes from the origin story to complete mayhem without ever establishing character or why the hero cares one way or the other. I once again refer you to my respect references previous. When dating or even now in marriage, I am one for "radical consent" and unless it happens, I don't expect anything other than spending time with someone I enjoy. Of course, that has caused a lot of issues. I don't pick up on clues. I don't assume what you want. I'm very verbal in my relationships now, and I wasn't in the past and it created a lot of difficulties. Some of that is because I'm clueless, but another is I want verbal acknowledgment on what is desired.

I've spent some time listening to women I've befriended on the net and the sending selfies of your junk is beyond me. I honestly don't understand that. To be honest, that isn't the most interesting part of me so it doesn't even cross my mind to lead with that. And that respect thing. That respect thing looms large in my mind.

8. Be confident. Making jokes about your height or weight may seem like a good way to ease the tension, but sometimes it just comes across as insecure and needy. We all have our points of insecurity, but we all find confidence to be sexy. It’s attractive when someone is body positive and secure about who they are and how they look. I’m not saying be a total narcissist. Just be confident.

This is my greatest problem. It is my most annoying trait, even to myself. First, I have no idea what I'm doing and it shows in a lot of ways. I wish it didn't. It affects a lot about me. I know I can do most everything intellectually I set my mind to but other parts of my life? Not so much. When I have to cater to someone else, when I have to anticipate their desires when I want them to LIKE ME??!! No, I'm not all that confident.

Let's have a moment of candid honesty, When I was "Dear Johned" on my mission, I was told how insecure I was by the person I respected the most. I so much wanted to scream that of course I was. My last semester of college was a disaster, possibly messing up my future in my chosen field, let alone at my school. I hated what I was doing, even though this was the pinnacle of faith in my religion, devoting my time to "the truth and the preaching thereof." I was so tired of my faults. I was tired of being told that I wasn't working hard enough and all the people in my area will possibly be going to hell because of my inaction. I resented that I wasn't having any fun in the time of life when that is what should be happening. I resented that I wasn't with the people I cared the most about. I resented the fact that I felt those things. Insecure?! Damn right I was insecure. That insecurity torpedoed that relationship as well as messing me up. (That isn't to say it would have lasted anyway. I did, however, use the experience to change. This event probably changed me more than anything else in my life.)

Has my life improved all that much? Yes. But I still struggle with confidence. The depression still floats around but nothing like it was at that time, and I have tried to become more confident. Luckily, my wife has learned me and helps me in all of my weaknesses. If I ever have to teach someone about that aspect of me again, I'd be a lot more honest, open and forthright about who I am so we can compensate and still have an enjoyable time.

9. Be kind. This is basic but often overlooked. Avoid making critical comments. A back-handed compliment is often worse than no compliment at all. For example, I got told once that it was great that I’m so attractive so my date wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with me in public. It’s great to be called attractive, but I can’t recall when I was last so insulted at an attempt at a compliment! Be flattering, show interest without condescension, and if you’re not interested, you can express that kindly.

Yes. There isn't much I can add. Care about the person you are with.

10. Be brave. Don’t, do not ever, ghost people. Don’t just disappear. Be brave and say that you’re not really interested or you’re looking for something else. Say that you don’t have enough in common.
Or if you are really interested, be brave and say that. Say that you’d like to see us again or that you really enjoyed spending time with us and want to have even more time to get to know us. Say whatever it is you’re feeling, which I know is counter-intuitive to how men are socialized and to a dishonest dating culture.
Don’t ghost someone like they don’t matter. Speaking from the receiving end of that treatment, it is beyond painful. It would have been so much easier to hear that he was interested in someone else than to be treated like I don’t exist and that our time together meant less than nothing to him. Have some consideration for the feelings of others and not just your own feelings of fear and avoidance of conflict.
And definitely say if you really like us. Even if we don’t feel the same, take that chance. Because maybe we do. Maybe you’re the nice guy (and I don’t mean that as the insult people often take it for these days) that makes us glad we stayed in the dating game. Maybe you’re the one who reminds us why we really do like men. Maybe you’ll be the one to remind us that you have wonderful hearts and souls, and we’ll be happy to spend as much time in your company as we can.

I've had to do this to overcome changes of belief, political outlook, and other issues with my wife. I've told women that I befriended how much I enjoy their time, letting them know I appreciate their time talking to me. I've perhaps not been so verbal with the men that I know, but there is a language there that I take advantage of. It is not easy for me as it bares the soul a bit more than is comfortable but it does pay off. People do care. They want to hear they are enjoyable to be around. They want to hear honesty and candor.

So there, my commentary on the article. The article is much more interesting than what I wrote. Please read it and apply some of this stuff if you need to. If nothing else, use this as a conversation starter with your significant other. It will open doors if they aren't open already.

I Felt a Funeral in my Brain

I'm not normally a fan of Emily Dickenson, but a quick comment by John Green made me do a quick google search.

I felt a funeral in my brain,
        And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
        That sense was breaking through.

And when they all were seated,
        A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
        My mind was going numb.

And then I heard them lift a box,
        And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead,
        Then space began to toll

As all the heavens were a bell,
        And Being but an ear,
And I and silence some strange race,
        Wrecked, solitary, here.

And then a plank in reason, broke,
        And I dropped down and down--
And hit a world at every plunge,
        And finished knowing--then--

It is that last stanza that hit me. I've used various metaphors when describing my depression during my mission. Terms like "Emotional flailing", "Sanity going down the drain", and others that I can't recall at the moment. I found this phrase, "And then a plank in reason, broke, And I dropped down and down" so damned descriptive. 

Because it was such an emotional time, and I did so much damage to myself during that year (aside from the damaging culture I was immersed in), I remember it more acutely than other times. It was a time I resolved to change, as I wasn't going to walk down that road any longer.

Although it doesn't describe everything that depression is and is more related to bi-polar disorder, I find Evanescence's Lithium very, I don't know, telling?

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Oh, and here's a discussion on the poem. I Felt a Funeral in my Brain.

To Be Beautiful

The model's name is Manon Mueller. She lives in France, I think. I'm not sure. I think she's the niece of the photographer. This isn't about her.

I've told you before that I watch people. That is if I'm awake at the time. My trips to and from downtown are mostly chances for me to nap, usually from a miserable night's sleep. I'm not at all comfortable with my commute yet. So, knowing all of this, let me tell you what I witnessed on my way home tonight.

At one of the 4 stops my train makes in the loop, a woman came in and sat two rows ahead of me. I didn't notice anything unusual about her. Since she sat facing away from me, all I really noticed was her hair and the remnant of a slight curl left over from a curling iron in the exact back of her head. Aside from her hair, I noticed nothing else about her at the time.

At the Monroe stop, two men came in and sat in front and to the side of her. They obviously knew each other but they sat and said nothing. A few nods to each other is all I saw. They were fidgety otherwise. Something about their situation made them uncomfortable. I didn't pursue it as I was tired and the rocking of the subway car quickly put me in a doze.

I regained my consciousness as soon as we came out of the second underground portion, where the train enters the Kennedy Expressway. The second stop since rising was Irving Park. A man further up in the car rose up from his seat, and that is when I became aware of him. He moved towards the exit but his gaze was firmly upon the woman two seats up. I mean, it was obvious that he didn't want to blink lest his eyes lose their gaze. He moved towards the door, as if by rote, but the train was still moving, and the door wasn't open. With his view set upon the woman, he walked into the door. Even when the train stopped and the doors opened, he didn't move his fixation from the woman at all. Not an iota. I was not surprised to see him turn his body around slightly as he moved out the door, to keep his eyes fixed on the obviously captivating woman two rows up.

Now my interest is peaked. Not because this woman was captivating to this man, but the reactions that I found around her. I'm no novice to beautiful women. I'm surrounded by them. I work with them, I ride the subway with them. I walk the sidewalks with them. I even married one. No, this was something different, probably not unlike my previous article on serenity. I was smiling at the scene that had just unfolded when I noticed another man up in the car take notice of the woman. He blinked several times and then changed the direction of his eyes, to the more mundane people in the car, but his eyes returned to her promptly. Another man towards the end of the car, probably feeling safe in his distance, openly stared at this woman. She didn't seem phased at all, as she flipped through her Instagram account.

Did I ever get to see the object of these men's desire? Not really. Once she turned head and what I saw was a beautiful woman, to be sure. She had what I would call Mediterranean features. But I didn't affix on her beauty, but her makeup. It was clearly makeup. Her skin was so smooth. Not a crease or wrinkle anywhere on her visage. Not seeing her full face probably made me not fully grasp what these other men were taken with.

With a few stops left on my ride, a man came in and sat in front of her but perpendicular to her. You know how public transit is, chairs facing all over the place. He was also struck with her. He stole glances at her at every opportunity. He squirmed in his seat, as his eyes fell upon her legs. He was uncomfortable yet couldn't stop looking at her. I left at my stop and didn't look back to see what had so entranced the men on this ride. Besides, I was more attracted to the Asian woman on the other side of the car. She had a round face. Somewhere along my road of life, I've discovered that I have an attraction to women with round faces. Go fig.

It was an amusing ride home. I wonder if she's used to such undirected attention?

Triggered

I was going to write about a particular incident of bad behavior I exhibited with a close friend of mine, but I decided to widen the scope. No, I'm not going to list out my sins as there probably aren't enough electrons in the universe to transmit that list. This is about actions in my life that bring out parts of me that I didn't realize that I suppressed or things that I knowingly hid. There is a theme here, and I apologize for having it, but it is about an aspect of my life and the effect it had on my personality. The reason that it was suppressed is because it is uncomfortable, for me and those around me.

I've written enough about my depression on my mission. I even knew at the time how I was being indoctrinated and how I internalized it. I went from someone who had a simple gratitude for friends and school to feeling incredible guilt about who I was, and feeling responsible for everyone's salvation in the eternities. My only goal in life was to learn, and how I love learning, and be able to love someone. I went from that to not able to communicate with those I felt closest to, being apart from my very reason of going. Perhaps I was immature. I can buy that. I have some other conclusions that are personal, and I've shared them with the people involved. In any case, something drastically went wrong. I was put in the most beautiful place on the entire globe, and I couldn't get past my own guilt and inadequacy. I won't own up to that. That was put on me by someone else. It was an institutional guilt, drummed into my head. Why it had a damaging effect on me and not my cohorts, I can't say. That was another issue I had. I resented my own emotions too.

When everything fell apart for me halfway through, when I insulted the person I cared for the most, is when I changed how I was coping. I stopped caring about what I was being told by those in authority over me. If I wanted to do X, I did X. I paid attention to what I believed and what I didn't. I wanted to read a newspaper so I read a newspaper. I wanted to read a book about comets, so I read a book about comets. It is so odd looking back at it, seeing such things as rebellious, but it was. I soon earned a reputation as being a rebel. Me. (That sounds so ridiculous to me.)

I kept from being triggered by not talking about it for over 20 years. I believed what I wanted to believe and did what I wanted to do, even though every week, I was told by the institution that I believed in how wrong some of those things were. I kept the cognitive dissonance at bay by just passing it by.

My own historical investigations wore on me though. I read a philosophy book about the atonement that made me question the logic of it all. I tried to make it all fit in, but it was becoming increasingly unsuccessful. The pain of keeping it all in was becoming too much. I had contacted a friend who had left the church and I was working it out in my own head. At one point the thought "How can someone raise their family outside of the church?" passed through my head. Whoa! That wasn't something that came out of me. I never felt that stongly about the church's youth program. I really didn't like it, to tell the truth. Why the heck did that thought go through my head? It triggered some more thought as to why I was having thoughts like that, thoughts that weren't my own. (See what I did there?)

As to my family, I remember a few incidents where they, my kids, panicked about something that we were doing, something that the church, evidently, taught them was a sin. Someone was teaching my kids that their parents are going to Hell for <insert common behavior>. So we had a parent meeting about how we were going to unteach our kids about certain things. In the back of my head, I'm already building up concern about my kids starting down the path that brought me such an uncomfortable existence.

My children were already experiencing some difficulty fitting into the mold that they were given, and one that I never fit into either. I didn't want to burden them with all that so eventually I had to talk to my wife about my concerns and troubles. BOOM!

Fast forward and I still find that some things set me off. This was the most emotional, disruptive time in my life and I can only find solace in talking to Tracy, internet boards or this stupid blog. It is something that I don't feel is welcome with people that I walked with most of my life. I don't want to disturb their lives or disparage something they feel is valuable. I still want to scream out sometimes at how it damaged me and how much better it is without all those trappings, but I don't. I respect them...mostly. That doesn't mean it won't, at times, leak out. It happened a few weeks ago. I had such a build-up of anger and frustration that it burst out in a note to a close friend. Not just once, but twice. Do I feel sorry for doing that? Yes, and I tried as best I could to apologize. I'm not so sure why or what triggered that outburst. It happened though.

I try to own up to my own feelings. I don't like the idea that I'm suffering some form of PTSD because it seems so trivial to what others have to live with. It isn't like anyone shot at me like our soldiers experience. I was never physically beaten. I feel that I was mentally abused, but that it was wrapped in a velvet glove, by people thinking they were doing their best. Why it affected me this way and they thrive in that environment, I don't quite understand. I know that at one point I truly believed. Now I don't. I am still trying to be a good parent, and that it can be done without an institution telling me how to be good. I have that internal to me.

I don't know what triggered this post. Another way to apologize, explain my actions to others? I don't know. Perhaps I never will. I seem to have traded one issue for another. I'll still take this one to the burden I was carrying.

Serenity

Nope. Sorry. Not about the ship. That's just my hook for this post.

I people watch. There are an infinite number of things to notice about someone and I use the few opportunities I have to just watch people living their lives. When I work downtown, I ride the subway for part of the journey and those times where I don't close my eyes to keep the world out of my mind, I watch people. There are a lot of different kinds of people out there. Most are just trying to get through the day without going too crazy with the pressures of life. Many are absorbed in videos or reading on their phones or devices. It has crossed my mind more than once that some of the people riding with me have committed or are capable of committing horrible crimes against their fellow man, but I need to slough that off as part of the human condition.

I want to focus on the good of people. We are all jammed into this train car and for the most part, really are behaving ourselves. A lot of "Excuse Me" and "Sorry" type phrases are used. I am reminded at those times that for the most part, we are decent people to each other. We are social critters and we know we all need each other to some degree so it is best to be kind to one another.

At times, a particular person catches my eye. It can be for a lot of reasons. Perhaps something unique about their face or actions draws me in. On a recent trip, I was at a far end of the car and looking down the length of the seating area. It was a full car, as usual for that time of day. Sitting facing me was a woman, probably in her late twenties. It wasn't just her beauty, or her youth that caught my attention, but I would have felt justified if those were the only reasons I noticed her. She was dark-skinned. Maybe Indian? Hispanic? I have a hard time discerning some of those details. Her face was devoid of those lines that age and worry produce in people that are long on this earth, She didn't do anything of any peculiar note. She was just sitting there, listening to some device like so many others. (And considering how noisy the subway can be, I wonder how anyone can listen to anything without blowing out their eardrums over time. I gave up that activity some time ago.) What I noticed with her was her calm. Her grace. Her face was serene. Occasionally a brief, small smile was shown on her lips. I was fascinated with her demeanor. I found it hard to avert my gaze, but I had to. I didn't think anyone wanted to be glared at by some 50-year-old creeper.

I watched her leave the car along with me on my stop. I wanted to step up to her and say "Hi", if for nothing but to hear what voice would come from someone so seemingly at peace, if only for the moments of a subway ride with 40 or so complete strangers. I didn't though. I don't want to cause anyone discomfort. I noticed her brown raincoat and black, stylish boots. She stepped on the escalator and I will most likely never see her again. I thought about why this was such a profound thing to me. My day wasn't particularly hectic. I really didn't have any feelings about things whatsoever but I realize from that moment the attraction that many in this world have with meditation. The calm smile of someone can produce such feelings that adoration might be the natural result.

To be fair, I'm drawn to people at times for very different reasons. I have listened to a couple speaking arabic and the inflection of their voices was transfixing. I have watched college students where the man was clearly crushing hard on the woman sitting next to him. I watched one woman of Italian heritage talking to her friends returning from a trip into the city and being fascinated with their retelling of their adventures. She was amazing with her descriptive language and gestures. It is also at these times where I find racism or ethnocentrism so hard to understand. I have had my life enriched by people of other cultures. No, sometimes they don't act too friendly, but my culture hasn't acted too friendly in the past or present either.

It is quite a world we live in. I hope you find some joy in it as I have.


P.S. I found a youtube video that shows my subway route. I ride from Rosemont to Clinton. That's about 5:30 to 45:00 marks in the video. You can really move a lot of people in a train and it is quite a bit faster than trying to drive it, especially at the times I ride. The highway is usually a slow-moving parking lot when I ride it.