Wednesday, May 31, 2017

I Felt a Funeral in my Brain


I'm not normally a fan of Emily Dickenson, but a quick comment by John Green made me do a quick google search.

I felt a funeral in my brain,
        And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
        That sense was breaking through.


And when they all were seated,
        A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
        My mind was going numb.


And then I heard them lift a box,
        And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead,
        Then space began to toll


As all the heavens were a bell,
        And Being but an ear,
And I and silence some strange race,
        Wrecked, solitary, here.


And then a plank in reason, broke,
        And I dropped down and down--
And hit a world at every plunge,
        And finished knowing--then--


It is that last stanza that hit me. I've used various metaphors when describing my depression during my mission. Terms like "Emotional flailing", "Sanity going down the drain", and others that I can't recall at the moment. I found this phrase, "And then a plank in reason, broke, And I dropped down and down" so damned descriptive. 

Because it was such an emotional time, and I did so much damage to myself during that year (aside from the damaging culture I was immersed in), I remember it more acutely than other times. It was a time I resolved to change, as I wasn't going to walk down that road any longer.

Although it doesn't describe everything that depression is and is more related to bi-polar disorder, I find Evanescence's Lithium very, I don't know, telling?

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me



Oh, and here's a discussion on the poem. I Felt a Funeral in my Brain.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

To Be Beautiful


The model's name is Manon Mueller. She lives in France, I think. I'm not sure. I think she's the niece of the photographer. This isn't about her.

I've told you before that I watch people. That is if I'm awake at the time. My trips to and from downtown are mostly chances for me to nap, usually from a miserable night's sleep. I'm not at all comfortable with my commute yet. So, knowing all of this, let me tell you what I witnessed on my way home tonight.

At one of the 4 stops my train makes in the loop, a woman came in and sat two rows ahead of me. I didn't notice anything unusual about her. Since she sat facing away from me, all I really noticed was her hair and the remnant of a slight curl left over from a curling iron in the exact back of her head. Aside from her hair, I noticed nothing else about her at the time.

At the Monroe stop, two men came in and sat in front and to the side of her. They obviously knew each other but they sat and said nothing. A few nods to each other is all I saw. They were fidgety otherwise. Something about their situation made them uncomfortable. I didn't pursue it as I was tired and the rocking of the subway car quickly put me in a doze.

I regained my consciousness as soon as we came out of the second underground portion, where the train enters the Kennedy Expressway. The second stop since rising was Irving Park. A man further up in the car rose up from his seat, and that is when I became aware of him. He moved towards the exit but his gaze was firmly upon the woman two seats up. I mean, it was obvious that he didn't want to blink lest his eyes lose their gaze. He moved towards the door, as if by rote, but the train was still moving, and the door wasn't open. With his view set upon the woman, he walked into the door. Even when the train stopped and the doors opened, he didn't move his fixation from the woman at all. Not an iota. I was not surprised to see him turn his body around slightly as he moved out the door, to keep his eyes fixed on the obviously captivating woman two rows up.

Now my interest is peaked. Not because this woman was captivating to this man, but the reactions that I found around her. I'm no novice to beautiful women. I'm surrounded by them. I work with them, I ride the subway with them. I walk the sidewalks with them. I even married one. No, this was something different, probably not unlike my previous article on serenity. I was smiling at the scene that had just unfolded when I noticed another man up in the car take notice of the woman. He blinked several times and then changed the direction of his eyes, to the more mundane people in the car, but his eyes returned to her promptly. Another man towards the end of the car, probably feeling safe in his distance, openly stared at this woman. She didn't seem phased at all, as she flipped through her Instagram account.

Did I ever get to see the object of these men's desire? Not really. Once she turned head and what I saw was a beautiful woman, to be sure. She had what I would call Mediterranean features. But I didn't affix on her beauty, but her makeup. It was clearly makeup. Her skin was so smooth. Not a crease or wrinkle anywhere on her visage. Not seeing her full face probably made me not fully grasp what these other men were taken with.

With a few stops left on my ride, a man came in and sat in front of her but perpendicular to her. You know how public transit is, chairs facing all over the place. He was also struck with her. He stole glances at her at every opportunity. He squirmed in his seat, as his eyes fell upon her legs. He was uncomfortable yet couldn't stop looking at her. I left at my stop and didn't look back to see what had so entranced the men on this ride. Besides, I was more attracted to the Asian woman on the other side of the car. She had a round face. Somewhere along my road of life, I've discovered that I have an attraction to women with round faces. Go fig.

It was an amusing ride home. I wonder if she's used to such undirected attention?

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Triggered


I was going to write about a particular incident of bad behavior I exhibited with a close friend of mine, but I decided to widen the scope. No, I'm not going to list out my sins as there probably aren't enough electrons in the universe to transmit that list. This is about actions in my life that bring out parts of me that I didn't realize that I suppressed or things that I knowingly hid. There is a theme here, and I apologize for having it, but it is about an aspect of my life and the effect it had on my personality. The reason that it was suppressed is because it is uncomfortable, for me and those around me.

I've written enough about my depression on my mission. I even knew at the time how I was being indoctrinated and how I internalized it. I went from someone who had a simple gratitude for friends and school to feeling incredible guilt about who I was, and feeling responsible for everyone's salvation in the eternities. My only goal in life was to learn, and how I love learning, and be able to love someone. I went from that to not able to communicate with those I felt closest to, being apart from my very reason of going. Perhaps I was immature. I can buy that. I have some other conclusions that are personal, and I've shared them with the people involved. In any case, something drastically went wrong. I was put in the most beautiful place on the entire globe, and I couldn't get past my own guilt and inadequacy. I won't own up to that. That was put on me by someone else. It was an institutional guilt, drummed into my head. Why it had a damaging effect on me and not my cohorts, I can't say. That was another issue I had. I resented my own emotions too.

When everything fell apart for me halfway through, when I insulted the person I cared for the most, is when I changed how I was coping. I stopped caring about what I was being told by those in authority over me. If I wanted to do X, I did X. I paid attention to what I believed and what I didn't. I wanted to read a newspaper so I read a newspaper. I wanted to read a book about comets, so I read a book about comets. It is so odd looking back at it, seeing such things as rebellious, but it was. I soon earned a reputation as being a rebel. Me. (That sounds so ridiculous to me.)

I kept from being triggered by not talking about it for over 20 years. I believed what I wanted to believe and did what I wanted to do, even though every week, I was told by the institution that I believed in how wrong some of those things were. I kept the cognitive dissonance at bay by just passing it by.

My own historical investigations wore on me though. I read a philosophy book about the atonement that made me question the logic of it all. I tried to make it all fit in, but it was becoming increasingly unsuccessful. The pain of keeping it all in was becoming too much. I had contacted a friend who had left the church and I was working it out in my own head. At one point the thought "How can someone raise their family outside of the church?" passed through my head. Whoa! That wasn't something that came out of me. I never felt that stongly about the church's youth program. I really didn't like it, to tell the truth. Why the heck did that thought go through my head? It triggered some more thought as to why I was having thoughts like that, thoughts that weren't my own. (See what I did there?)

As to my family, I remember a few incidents where they, my kids, panicked about something that we were doing, something that the church, evidently, taught them was a sin. Someone was teaching my kids that their parents are going to Hell for <insert common behavior>. So we had a parent meeting about how we were going to unteach our kids about certain things. In the back of my head, I'm already building up concern about my kids starting down the path that brought me such an uncomfortable existence.

My children were already experiencing some difficulty fitting into the mold that they were given, and one that I never fit into either. I didn't want to burden them with all that so eventually I had to talk to my wife about my concerns and troubles. BOOM!

Fast forward and I still find that some things set me off. This was the most emotional, disruptive time in my life and I can only find solace in talking to Tracy, internet boards or this stupid blog. It is something that I don't feel is welcome with people that I walked with most of my life. I don't want to disturb their lives or disparage something they feel is valuable. I still want to scream out sometimes at how it damaged me and how much better it is without all those trappings, but I don't. I respect them...mostly. That doesn't mean it won't, at times, leak out. It happened a few weeks ago. I had such a build-up of anger and frustration that it burst out in a note to a close friend. Not just once, but twice. Do I feel sorry for doing that? Yes, and I tried as best I could to apologize. I'm not so sure why or what triggered that outburst. It happened though.

I try to own up to my own feelings. I don't like the idea that I'm suffering some form of PTSD because it seems so trivial to what others have to live with. It isn't like anyone shot at me like our soldiers experience. I was never physically beaten. I feel that I was mentally abused, but that it was wrapped in a velvet glove, by people thinking they were doing their best. Why it affected me this way and they thrive in that environment, I don't quite understand. I know that at one point I truly believed. Now I don't. I am still trying to be a good parent, and that it can be done without an institution telling me how to be good. I have that internal to me.

I don't know what triggered this post. Another way to apologize, explain my actions to others? I don't know. Perhaps I never will. I seem to have traded one issue for another. I'll still take this one to the burden I was carrying.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Serenity


Nope. Sorry. Not about the ship. That's just my hook for this post.

I people watch. There are an infinite number of things to notice about someone and I use the few opportunities I have to just watch people living their lives. When I work downtown, I ride the subway for part of the journey and those times where I don't close my eyes to keep the world out of my mind, I watch people. There are a lot of different kinds of people out there. Most are just trying to get through the day without going too crazy with the pressures of life. Many are absorbed in videos or reading on their phones or devices. It has crossed my mind more than once that some of the people riding with me have committed or are capable of committing horrible crimes against their fellow man, but I need to slough that off as part of the human condition.

I want to focus on the good of people. We are all jammed into this train car and for the most part, really are behaving ourselves. A lot of "Excuse Me" and "Sorry" type phrases are used. I am reminded at those times that for the most part, we are decent people to each other. We are social critters and we know we all need each other to some degree so it is best to be kind to one another.

At times, a particular person catches my eye. It can be for a lot of reasons. Perhaps something unique about their face or actions draws me in. On a recent trip, I was at a far end of the car and looking down the length of the seating area. It was a full car, as usual for that time of day. Sitting facing me was a woman, probably in her late twenties. It wasn't just her beauty, or her youth that caught my attention, but I would have felt justified if those were the only reasons I noticed her. She was dark-skinned. Maybe Indian? Hispanic? I have a hard time discerning some of those details. Her face was devoid of those lines that age and worry produce in people that are long on this earth, She didn't do anything of any peculiar note. She was just sitting there, listening to some device like so many others. (And considering how noisy the subway can be, I wonder how anyone can listen to anything without blowing out their eardrums over time. I gave up that activity some time ago.) What I noticed with her was her calm. Her grace. Her face was serene. Occasionally a brief, small smile was shown on her lips. I was fascinated with her demeanor. I found it hard to avert my gaze, but I had to. I didn't think anyone wanted to be glared at by some 50-year-old creeper.

I watched her leave the car along with me on my stop. I wanted to step up to her and say "Hi", if for nothing but to hear what voice would come from someone so seemingly at peace, if only for the moments of a subway ride with 40 or so complete strangers. I didn't though. I don't want to cause anyone discomfort. I noticed her brown raincoat and black, stylish boots. She stepped on the escalator and I will most likely never see her again. I thought about why this was such a profound thing to me. My day wasn't particularly hectic. I really didn't have any feelings about things whatsoever but I realize from that moment the attraction that many in this world have with meditation. The calm smile of someone can produce such feelings that adoration might be the natural result.

To be fair, I'm drawn to people at times for very different reasons. I have listened to a couple speaking arabic and the inflection of their voices was transfixing. I have watched college students where the man was clearly crushing hard on the woman sitting next to him. I watched one woman of Italian heritage talking to her friends returning from a trip into the city and being fascinated with their retelling of their adventures. She was amazing with her descriptive language and gestures. It is also at these times where I find racism or ethnocentrism so hard to understand. I have had my life enriched by people of other cultures. No, sometimes they don't act too friendly, but my culture hasn't acted too friendly in the past or present either.

It is quite a world we live in. I hope you find some joy in it as I have.


P.S. I found a youtube video that shows my subway route. I ride from Rosemont to Clinton. That's about 5:30 to 45:00 marks in the video. You can really move a lot of people in a train and it is quite a bit faster than trying to drive it, especially at the times I ride. The highway is usually a slow-moving parking lot when I ride it.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

War Paint - A Christmas Delayed


A year after Tracy and I were married, we attended a Rush concert. It was my first with my favorite band and it was one of the most memorable times in my life. Well, they retired last year and I'm still in denial. They came out with a documentary about their last tour and it was available in the theater originally. I didn't go, figuring I'd get the video later. Neil Peart, the drummer, came out with a book (as he does most every tour) and Tracy promised to get it for Chrismas. We completely forgot about it in all the hubbub of the season along with Tracy's new job.

So last week we were getting an Amazon order together. I needed a few cables for my headphones. Tracy needed some things for work. I poked around and I noticed that the Blu-Ray of the Rush documentary was available, so that went in the order too. When it arrived yesterday, it was with bittersweet emotions that I unwrapped it and put it in the player. I had noticed that a few of my favorite songs from the Presto Album were in the bonus tracks and I really couldn't quite go to the documentary at the time. I was surprised to find that the tracks were from the actual Presto tour. The band had started to regularly put out a concert DVD after every tour, being an "arena band" and they knew the fans enjoyed having a reminder of the experience. However, they didn't release one after Presto. I sat down to relive a few memories. I remembered that the stage wasn't cluttered like their latest concert tours, but I didn't remember it being that sparse.


I remember that album well, and it highlighted that first year of Tracy and I learning how to work with each other and live together without too many murderous thoughts. I don't think it was our first concert (I think that was another and it was a source of a marriage lesson that Tracy uses professionally to this day.) I remember, and I hope I have this right, that we bought and listened to "They Might Be Giants - Flood" album before we traveled to SLC and how much we laughed at the songs. That album has been the source of many road-trip sing-alongs since. The concert itself was great. It was my first real time seeing Peart play the drums live and it was almost a religious experience. After the concert and as we were leaving I heard a person exclaim, "It was worth coming just to hear The Professor!" My favorite memory is actually Tracy mentioning, "I didn't know three people could make so much noise." with "noise" being an affectionate term.

Peart has had an effect on me. I'm almost positive it was his influence that gave me a drive to write and my appreciation of poetry (and a tip of the hat to Jeff Lynne also). He even influenced my theology. I knew he was a skeptic, humanist, atheist but I did know that if he didn't make it to heaven, then I surely didn't belong there either.

So I listened to the tracks provided. I didn't realize they were available on YouTube but I'm glad I have them on a disk. My favorite track is below as well as the entirety of the concert video but not the entirety of the concert.




Saturday, March 25, 2017

Downtown


So, I'm working downtown now. It still is part time as it isn't easy to disconnect from 20 or so years of work and coding. I have my corner set up, and most of this is just what I found here and on the last day of access to my old building. I "shopped the big store" and went from cube to cube looking for equipment I might need in the near future. Good thing too as I needed some of that stuff.

Most of the area here is pretty sterile, probably because you have sherpa all your stuff in, likely by public transportation. ¨Don't carry in what you need to carry out.¨ That is one of the reasons why I wanted to shed some of my old responsibilities. I've been 24x7 since the day I hired on with the company and have had to carry around my computer all the time. Never a break other than those times where I was simply out of reach of an internet connection. I really enjoyed those times. It felt good being able to put the computer into the drawer and go home without it. (I have plenty of computers at home, but none of them can connect to work.)

I was extremely anxious my first day there. I had my route planned out and I knew which subway stop was closest to the front door. I'd made the trip with Bennet earlier in the month to check out the timing. I know I was overly stressed about it, but this was one the few significant changes that I've had in my career, even though it was with the same company. Of course, the week previous I learned that the group in Schaumburg were moving the modems for one of the ancient programs I maintain on the first day I was expected downtown. OK. so that was to start at 6am. I have to be on the last bus at 9am....  I turns out my first day downtown was started by sitting at home waiting for modems to be reconnected to the network, and then later IM-ing with people in Schaumburg as my bus rode by the office on the tollway and  continuing on the subway. I guess that is the way it goes. I know that this might seem a little obsessive but I find the establishment of a routine important. It frees up my mind to start thinking about other things than the mundane tasks of life. 

I made my way past the guards and concierge of Motorola and stood in front of the banks of elevators that Motorola has to the upper floors. I entered them with a realization that some of the changes I wanted in my life, desperately wanted, for the past few years were just starting to happen. Aside from a few training sessions, I really didn't know all that this was going to entail. All I knew is that it was different and would use some of the newer tech in the industry. The company was moving aggressively in this direction and I might as well be a part of it. My manager just happened to be at the elevator when the doors opened on the 39th floor. He greeted me, rather surprised at the coincidence, and changed his plans to find me a place to sit. The area was white and looked very different than what I expected. I was put in an spot that wasn't my ideal, as the main walkway goes right by my station, but I also am the father of 4 children so I'm decent at blocking out distraction.

After I was somewhat settled and had cooled down a bit....ok, I need to explain that. It was a warm day and I was nervous and I sweat. It is one of my most disliked traits and I have a lot of self-loathing about it. I don't like to sweat and I do it so freely. So I'm sitting there, trying to cool down because I'm soggy. (Goll, I hate that aspect of my body.) I have to steal a look out the window. There are windows everywhere. I must say that during most of my career in Motorola, I've spent in artificially lit, windowless rooms that one could play soccer in if it wasn't for the cubes. The only exception was when I worked in the "Parts" building and there I could look out and see an earthen berm. These latest moves to the corporate tower (Schaumburg) and now downtown, where windows were everywhere, was a significant change to my established work environment.


My first week only consisted of a few meetings. I met another manager, the one I would work with during my 6-month stint downtown. I only had two days that I actually worked downtown that week. Much of it was a bit of exploration. A friend that worked on the 40th floor met me and showed me the "game room" that had some sort of game console there. When I asked her if she ever saw anyone play on it, she responded no, that we have work to do. No one has time to waste playing games. Another friend of mine in Schaumburg and I discussed this later as we decided it was a test by the corporation. As soon as anyone touched a controller, they were never seen again. They can't have people playing video games on their time. Like Schaumburg, they had a small kitchen area and at lunchtime a company came in with food and sold it there. I will be bringing my lunches in. They do have granola bars, fruit and hot chocolate there for the taking, so I know I won't starve. 


XBox. Only games are Minecraft and Madden Football. Meh.


My second week was like the first, but I customized my area a bit. I brought in the equipment I took from the old IL02 building and set up my monitors so I have the setup now, as you see in the first photo above. Overall, aside from the fact that I feel more isolated from home, it is just a place to work.

One of the glass rooms on the floor. You can write on the windows. In fact, most of the walls in the place can be written on with dry markers. It is kind of cool.

I want to write a little about the actual commute, a way to see into my completely broken brain. I have three options to get downtown. I could drive. That would take well over an hour on a day with no traffic, and about $18 to park. I could take the Metra train, at a cost of $18 when parking is taken into account, but it would only take an hour and 15 minutes on the train. (20 minutes to drive the car to the train station and back, not included.) Or, I could use the new Pace bus / CTA train. It takes about 2 hours total door to door. It costs $4.50 per day. I chose the cheap method, even though it costs me about 20 minutes more than the next most favorable option. Here´s the thing. I have wanted this new bus/train combination from Elgin and I´m very glad they finally have it. I want to support it. The buses are nice and the trains are passable. While I´ve been politically conservative most of my life, I´ve always supported public transit. I think it is a great way of getting from one place to another in some circumstances. As a side note, they also added a new bus from Schaumburg to Motorola/Zurich. I used to ride the bus to work in Schaumburg but it stopped a mile short of my work and that last mile to work, I had to walk. While my legs were strong, I often got caught in the rain and was stressed about not getting there in time to catch the bus home. I´ve also had issues with missing the bus and I think my wife had to come pick me up a few times. I can´t say it was all a wonderful experience, but I really don´t mind riding public transport.

One more downside that I´ll share. One morning I got onto the train and there were already two people in the car, clearly homeless. As I sat down, the smell hit me. I scrunched down in my seat and covered my nose with my jacket sleeve. Then I just sat and watched as others came on and realized what a joy an unwashed human smells like. At one point the train stopped and the doors were held open, giving us all a break. I would have moved to another car, but it was a very full train, and those that left for other cars eventually came back. The entire population of the car was jammed into one end trying to escape the sleeping ¨Bog of Eternal Stench¨ that greeted their noses. The woman sitting in front of me had her hat firmly placed over her face. Even though it wasn´t an ideal situation, I thoroughly enjoyed watching people.

I wanted to go to the floor above mine, the 40th floor and I thought it was wasteful to use the elevator for just one floor. Seems once you get on the stairs, you have a long walk down. All stairs are only for emergency exit. Bummer.


Watching people is fascinating to me. I´ve seen so many situations just riding the train. I´ve seen young men trying to get young women´s attention. I´ve seen couples that are so in sync, that conversations were held without words being spoken. I´ve seen so many people like myself just trying to get through their day. It doesn´t surprise me that we have different experiences and political views from rural to urban. Urban settings make you see people differently. You need to get along and it forces a type of empathy upon you. You can´t isolate yourself nearly as easily. You are in direct contact with people all the time. Their well-being directly affects yours.

And how many people, do you think, does it takes to wear down a metal grate? One of the escalators I take has seen so much foot traffic that the metal has worn down. That is just one of my musings that I have.

Kind of a blah post. Sorry.


The Willis (Sears) Tower from the eastern facing side of the building.

Friday, March 17, 2017

South Elgin High School March Concert



If for nothing else, I post this for posterity. My son, Hayden, played in both the Varsity Band and the oh, so exclusive Wind Ensemble for the March concert.

Let this be in the record until Google dies as a company or whenever the squids have enough of us and reconquer the Earth.

Varsity Band

Aces of the Air / King, Swearingen




Wind Ensemble

Fanfare for a Celebration / Gary D. Ziek

Chester / William Schuman

Parkour / Sam Hazo

Interlude

Stars and Stripes Forever / Sousa, Schissel

Encore