Sparrow

“one stormy night my girlfriend saw what we thought was a dead sparrow below our balcony. he was barely breathing, covered in ants and completely blind.

“we brought him home and put him in a box. after spending a night in our bedroom, he woke us up with high pitched tweeting. we tried feeding him, but without any luck, so we placed him on our balcony. he continued tweeting non stop for three hours.

“finally, his father found him and started feeding him. he brought his chick huge bugs and bread every 10-15 minutes all day long for two weeks straight.

“he was getting bigger every day, but he was still blind. i called a vet, and he told me to try simple eye drops. it worked like a charm! he even started hiding from us behind our flowers. soon, his father started showing him how to fly trough the window.

“one day he just left – we knew this day would come eventually. we became really worried because that same night, and for the next few days, there was really stormy weather. however, three days later, he came back and fell asleep in one of our pots.”

Source

Troublemaker

In one of those few books that I've read in the past 4 years, I found a bit of insight. Fundamentalist religion has common factors. While I don't think The Church I Attended (TCIA) was as fanatical or as controlling as the Church of Scientology, I found comparisons that made me uncomfortable.

Leah Remini is one of my favorite actresses. I've always been attracted to women who speak their mind and with her, I don't think there would be any ambiguity in what her opinion is. Plus, she's a beautiful woman. Hey, I'm a guy. In any case, looking at her life in Scientology brought a few similarities. The unfailing need for the authority to be respected. You can do almost anything, but you must acknowledge and acquiesce to their authority. The non-transparency of the money donated and what it is spent upon. The money needed to gain salvation. While TCIA doesn't make one pay to be taught or require frequent trips to certain locations for training, it does have temples where you must donate 10% of you income in order to attend. If you don't pay 10%, you don't get in to receive the higher ordinances.

The lack of depth of the relationships that the church fostered was a similarity too. The only people that contacted me when I stopped attending was leadership. No other personal contact was continued. My wife's experience is a bit different. She has had contact and for that I am appreciative. My complaints were never against the local membership but the actions of the leadership throughout the history. I love the people I attended church with. Now, I didn't seek them out either. I didn't want to have any arguements or complications from my leaving.

I won't go into any more comparisons, as I think Scientology is its own kind of mind-f**k but there were some similarities, some of them quite strong. I'll let the reader decide.

As a point of reference, I have a Dianetics book, one of the first written by L. Ron Hubbard (LRH) but as of this writing, I have not read it. I have watched the movie "Going Clear" that HBO had produced in 2015 and there where many knowing glances between my wife and I during that viewing. I also have read some of the fiction by LRH and I was entertained to a degree. Certainly he wasn't the best author I had read.

65 Questions You Aren’t Used To

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?
2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?
3. The person you would never want to meet?
4. What is your favorite word?
5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?
7. What shirt are you wearing?
8. What do you label yourself as?
9. Bright room or dark room?
10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
12. Who told you they loved you last?
13. Your worst enemy?
14. What is your current desktop picture?
15. Do you like someone?
16. The last song you listened to?
17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?
20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)
21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?
22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?
23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?
24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.
25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?
26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?
27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?
28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
29. What is your favorite expletive?
30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?
31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!
33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
34. What was your last dream about?
35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?
36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
37. Have you ever built a snowman?
38. What is the color of your socks?
39. What type of music do you like?
40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?
42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)
43. Do you have any scars?
44. What do you want to be when you graduate?
45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
46. Are you reliable?
47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
48. Do you hold grudges?
49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?
50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?
51. Are you a good liar?
52. How long could you go without talking?
53. What has been you worst haircut/style?
54. Have you ever baked your own cake?
55. Can you do any accents other than your own?
56. What do you like on your toast?
57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?
58. What would be you dream car?
59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.
60. Do you believe in aliens?
61. Do you often read your horoscope?
62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?
63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?
64. What do you think about babies?
65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

My answers.

65 Questions You Aren’t Used To (Barry's Answers)

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?
No.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?
1 = "not at all" and 5 = "terrified", 2.

3. The person you would never want to meet?
Heinrich Himmler

4. What is your favorite word?
Always

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
Sugar Maple

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?
I don't need to shave today.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Dark blue sweatshirt

8. What do you label yourself as?
Non-religious fiscal conservative, social liberal.

9. Bright room or dark room?
Dark room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
19 but 23 rocked too.

12. Who told you they loved you last?
My daughter

13. Your worst enemy?
My own pride

14. What is your current desktop picture?

15. Do you like someone?
I like a lot of people.

16. The last song you listened to?
Def Leppard, "Dangerous"

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Past, Hitler. Present, Maybe leader of North Korea.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Name withheld.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?
Name withheld. Acts withheld.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)
Eyes.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?
I would look awesome and I'd try to figure things out for empathy purposes.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?
I see what you're trying to do. Not gonna do it.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?
It isn't unique, but to die without meaning.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.
Club sandwitch with lettuce and sprouts.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?
Spend it on something that will teach me something.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?
Vancouver, BC.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?
Translate into any beverage. Dr. Pepper is my favorite, but I can't drink much of that anymore.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Freedom of expression and conscience.

29. What is your favorite expletive?
Crap. At least, that is what I say most often.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?
Motorcycle

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
My mission.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!
Awesome! Not sure it is a question though.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
Grandpa Westbrook

34. What was your last dream about?
I honestly can't remember.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?
Yes I am.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
Yes

37. Have you ever built a snowman?
Yes

38. What is the color of your socks?
Red and white

39. What type of music do you like?
Rock

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
Sunsets

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?
Strawberry

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)
Detroit Lions but I like the Packers too

43. Do you have any scars?
A small one on my forehead when I bumped my head in San Diego on a Naval Base visit.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?
Been there, done that

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd be more active.

46. Are you reliable?
I would like to think so, but this is really an opinion others would have of me.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
Was it worth it?

48. Do you hold grudges?
No.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?
Cat and a rabbit. Cabbit.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?
Some of the ones with Ellie can get rather odd.

51. Are you a good liar?
No.

52. How long could you go without talking?
Many hours. Days if given the opportunity.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?
On my mission in Rhode Island, I let a 14 year old girl cut my hair. I wasn't there to impress anyone so it didn't bother me too much. It was about 1/4 inch everywhere but a long patch in the front. Horrible memory.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?
Yes

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?
Not really, no.

56. What do you like on your toast?
Strawberry jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?
A flower

58. What would be you dream car?
I am not a car person. Probably any small car with a good, very good stereo.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.
No.

60. Do you believe in aliens?
Not as portrayed in popular media. Do I think there is life outside of Earth? Yes.

61. Do you often read your horoscope?
No

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?
Y

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?
Dinosaurs

64. What do you think about babies?
They are an awful lot of work and they throw your life into chaos.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.
Why is the BBC pulling their shows off Netflix?

I'm an Ex

I’m an ex. 

I’m talking about the relationship kind. I’m an ex, but maybe not as much of an ex as other people are. Still, I think of myself as an ex. A daughter of someone I consider an ex posted a meme the other day about how horrible exes are. I don’t want to repeat it, as I might not qualify to the extent that the ex was probably referring to. I mean, I never lived with another woman in a romantic relationship than my wife. In that regard, my experience is pretty limited. It wasn’t limited in my emotions though. There have been a few women that captured my heart at one time or another and, at least to me, that is the lasting part of my relationships. Like I said, I might not qualify in all regards.

In any case, the meme mentioned how bad exes are. For whatever reason, and most likely because of the person that posted it, it affected me a great deal. While I’m not completely dedicated to making sure other people always think the best of me, I am dedicated to trying not to be a jerk. There have been times where I failed completely at that endeavor, and I try to own up to those moments. 

There was a girl that used me to get back at her old boyfriend. She was nice otherwise I wouldn’t have dated her, but once I realized what was going on, I didn’t go out with her again. I told her that the situation she put me in then wasn’t acceptable and that I didn’t want to be part of it. As a boy of 18, it was a difficult thing to do because she practically threw herself at me, and all I wanted to do is talk about things. I didn’t consider myself mature enough to accept what she was offering. I also didn’t consider her to be long-term romantic material. 

I did break up with a girl in my freshman year of college. My first girlfriend, my first kiss. She reminded me too much of someone else, and I didn’t want to continue something that I was uncomfortable with.

There were other dates before my mission. I learned some things in my quest of non-jerkhood but unfortunately that was by experience. 

The girl I met before my mission broke up with me while I was out. I’m sure she has other recollections. I wasn’t in my right mind most of my time out there, and I felt the need to apologize much later for my ass-hattery. It was the worst time of my existence on this planet. When I spent some time comparing notes with her later, her recollections were quite different than mine. Again, the depression might have been the cause. I tried to hide it as much as I could. I lied about some things. I didn’t realize it until she mentioned them to me. It gave me pause, wondering if my entire life was going to turn out to be a lie. I know that might sound extreme, but I wrestled with my attitude a great deal, my feelings, and my own perception of them the past few years.

I picked up my stalker right after my mission. I wasn’t going to date right away after I returned. I didn’t quite know how screwed up I was. That didn’t keep the girls from asking and the next thing I knew, I was dating a girl I wasn’t all that attracted to. We did break up after she became a bit too intense for me. She threatened another girl I was seeing and that wasn’t acceptable. I’ve since come to understand what she might have been going through. If I was ever a jerk to any of the women I dated, that might have been it. I was rather upset. I’m not anymore, as understanding tends to replace anger.

I broke up with a girl when I started dating my wife (not wife at the time). I tried to be as nice as I could be as she was a wonderful girl that deserved the best from anyone that spent time with her.

When I saw the meme on my feed about how bad exes were, I felt a slight need to defend those that carry that label. We are all exes to someone if we ever were in a relationship with more than one person in our lives. I’m sure resentment plays a role with some of them and I realized that the lies I used to not upset others could have easily be turned around to be self-serving and disrespectful. Hell, I guess even mine were self-serving. I was struggling at my mission and successful men in that culture do not struggle. I lied to hide what a deeply flawed man I felt I was and the situation I found myself in.

Another woman countered my post and reiterated all exes are there for a reason and they are all ****. I deleted my post because I realized I couldn’t speak for everyone or even adequately account for my own struggles to find love and be respectful and honoring of the women I’ve known. That and I was more than aware of the men in some of the women’s lives that I know. Most don’t seem to even try to be respectful of their relationships. I found myself in an unenviable position defending those men, so I ducked and ran.

Yeah, a stupid meme sometimes leads me to re-evaluate my life, and try harder to be a kinder man to those in my life. Time will only tell if I’m successful.

She Doesn't Owe You Anything

I recently read an article and I'd like to talk about one of the points it makes. For the article, click here. The part of the article I'd like to comment on is below.

Women don’t owe you anything. 

I will close with a serious point. You don’t have to look far in the news to find someone who became violent towards women because he felt as though he had a “right” to her, that she was a “target,” or something to be obtained. Women are not a goal. They are not a conquest. They are not a notch in your belt. The idea that any woman owes anything to any man will always do more harm than good in our society and we need to teach the children who will someday grow into adults that what a woman does or doesn’t do with a man is her choice and he has no right to force anything on her. Ever.

I learned this on my mission, as odd as that might sound. It followed me during my dating life at school and still plays a large role in my life.

When I was going through my depression on my mission, I felt completely and utterly out of control in my life. I know that isn't that uncommon. When someone I respected more than anyone at the time told me that I was acting out of line and to never contact her again, I felt that I tried to control her. I'm sure she has other takes on it, but I used that incident to change my life. I was never going to try to control anyone, let alone someone I wanted in my life.

I returned to BYU and I'm sure my resolve was translated as shyness or whatnot, but I really tried to keep my pledge to make sure I respected the people in my life. Today, it would probably termed "extreme consent". I know Tracy thought it was cute when I asked to hold her hand and asked for my first kiss with her. It really was out of respect for her space.

Even after marriage, I still respected her space as much as I could. My attitude was almost at odds with the marriage vows themselves. I didn't feel I had any right to hold her to her vows with me. If she didn't want to be with me, then she was free to go; I had no right to hold her in a relationship where she didn't want to be.

I still feel that way, more than ever. I can be a complete jerk at times and she can still exercise the escape clause and I wouldn't fight it. She deserves every right to be happy and if that doesn't include me, then that's just the way it is.

The same goes for my friends and even my relatives. I do tend to bond very strongly and some know about that trait, but I would never stop anyone from their right of my absence. I've had some that faded from my life, and I think that is a voluntary action. I won't chase after people who don't want me around, regardless of the emotional pain it might cause me.

I think this has made my life happier overall. I don't have expectations and therefore I'm not as disappointed as I might be without that mentality. I don't know. Perhaps it is the only way I can deal with grief over loves and friendships lost. I still do not prefer to think of my outlook as a coping mechanism, but that might be the case.

Perhaps this post isn't very entertaining. It is what it is.

An Evening of Volleyball

I watched the BYU Women's Volleyball games this weekend. It was the beginning of the NCAA finals and I wanted to make sure I watched them. I'm kind of a volleyball fan. In a rare event, the whole family was in the same room. I'll let you in on some of the conversation.

Tracy: Hayden, stop trying to break your father.
.
.
Me: Look at Alexi. She runs the whole court, leaps and hits the ball and stops as soon as she hits the floor.
Hayden: It isn't that big of a deal. They're trained for that.
Me: So I can't appreciate it? Next time you win a wrestling match I'll just say, "No big deal, he was trained for that."
Hayden: No Dad, I mean it is just physics.
Me: Of all people, you don't have to tell me about physics. It is because I know physics that I am impressed.
Hayden: No I mean...
Me: You know, I might say when you graduate, "It's not that big of a deal. You know he studied for four years to do this."
.
.
Hayden: How do you like that Dad? I used lots of big words there.
Me: Yeah, probably not use appropriately, but they were big words.
.
.
<I don't know the context other than it was said.>
Hayden: ...next thing you know, quarters are shooting out of you.
.
.
Bennet: OOOOWWWW!
Madsen: I didn't mean to Mom!
Bennet: Madsen kicked me in the crotch!
Tracy: Come here. Let me hug you, make you feel better.
Bennet: He needs to trim his toenails....stop laughing at me!
Tracy: We aren't laughing at you, you just said something kind of funny.
Madsen: I didn't mean to kick him, Mom!
Tracy: I know. How is your foot?
Me: Did your foot survive the gonad thrashing it received?
<Tracy is laughing so hard she can't breathe.>
.
.
Me: Watch this Ellie, this is how you loosen the top of a pickel jar. <Banging the bottom of the jar>
Ellie: Sure, Dad.
Me: <trying to open it> Okay, let me bang on it harder. <More struggling> What the heck?!
Ellie: Give it to me.
Me: Great, my twelve-year-old daughter can open it and I can't?!
Ellie: <placing the jar on the table and takes the plastic cover off the lid.> There, try it now.
<Now I can't breathe because I'm laughing so hard.>
.
.
Tracy: You know why I had to leave? It was your pickles.
Me: My pickles? Is that a euphemism?
Tracy: Ha. No. You chew and eat so regular. You chew the same number of times. You swallow with a rhythm. I can't be in the same room with you when you eat them.
Me: I do? Sorry. You know, the DJ in the morning knew he had to divorce when his wife said the same thing to him. She even resented the way he breathed.
Tracy: I don't want a divorce, which is why I left the room.
.
.
BYU won. They'll be playing next weekend.