Poetry #1

I've found a few more poems that I've posted on FB.

I, Too

I, too, sing America.
I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.
Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.
Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--
I, too, am America.

--Langston Hughes




Wild Geese

 You do not have to be good.
 You do not have to walk on your knees
 For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
 You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
 Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
 Meanwhile the world goes on.
 Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the dee...p trees, the mountains and the rivers.
 Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.
 Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination,
 calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
 over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

~ Mary Oliver ~



The Summer Day

Who made the world?
 Who made the swan, and the black bear?
 Who made the grasshopper?
 This grasshopper, I mean-
 the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
 the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
 who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
 who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
 Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
 N...ow she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
 I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
 I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
 into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
 how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
 which is what I have been doing all day.
 Tell me, what else should I have done?
 Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
 Tell me, what is it you plan to do
 with your one wild and precious life?
 --Mary Oliver


Tears In Sleep
by Louise Bogan

All night the cocks crew, under a moon like day,
And I, in the cage of sleep, on a stranger's breast,
Shed tears, like a task not to be put away---
In the false light, false grief in my happy bed,
A labor of tears, set against joy's undoing.
I would not wake at your word, I had tears to say.
I clung to the bars of the dream and they were said,
And pain's derisive hand had given me rest
From the night giving off flames, and the dark renewing.


I wanted to set these apart, for no reason other than repeating them.

Regrets

I find writing very cathartic. It has taken up a good majority of my time this past year. I have written many and sent fewer letters to friends over the past year and perhaps I should put the year into perspective. This is an awfully self-centered post considering what some of my friends have gone through. I apologize in advance.

I have been, and so have some the people I care about, through an emotional year. For me, it has been a rough 3 years. I’m passing through what some may call a mid-life crisis. I’ve re-evaluated what my life has been and where I want it to go. I have the normal constraints. I have a wife, family, job, home that I have to consider.  My introspection has been unusually honest for me. I might want to put my thoughts in relation to a recent article “Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”

1.       I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I’m not sure how to express this in my own life. While at the time I felt I was living true to myself, I realize that much of the time I wasn’t. About the only time growing up that I truly felt that I was doing this was when I was in the process of trying out for the Naval Academy. I really didn’t want to go. Yes, I knew it was an honor, but I really didn’t want to go. I have always had a trouble with authority and at that point in my life, it wouldn’t have ended well. Instead, I went to a religious school. I didn’t go from some fanatical devotion, but to escape what my brother had gone through at a state college. I wanted to study and learn. I didn’t want to worry about my roommate coming in drunk or all the associated falderal. It also didn’t hurt that I had exceptional test scores and I could have gone to almost any school in the country.

I’m more reticent about my mission. I think it did more harm than help. It came at a rough time in my life and the added pressures pushed me over the edge. In many ways, I am thankful that I went, but in others, not so much. I’ve spent a great deal of my life coming to terms with all that happened to me in those two short years. Yes, I learned a lot about myself, but they were parts of myself that I wish I never knew.

I can’t say that I have a lot of regrets about my life after that. I met and married a wonderful woman. We received a great education and master’s degrees. I have a good job, and a great family. I mostly wish I was more vocal about certain elements of my life, and being a bit more open and honest with those around me.

2.       I wish I didn’t work so hard.

I’m not so sure if this applies to me. I like working. I like the challenge of learning new things and solving new problems. What I wish is that I didn’t worry so much. That is what I really would like to say here.

3.       I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

I am really, really trying to get over this. I don’t want this to be one of my regrets. I know it may be disconcerting to many of my friends if I express just how much I care for them and how much they have affected my life. I’m getting to the age where I don’t really care what people think of me. If I care, I care.  I’m overcoming the fear of telling people that. Growing up, I lived in a very reserved family. I can see some friendships and opportunities that have slipped by because I was so reserved. I’ve let people assume I believe certain things because I didn’t express myself. I’ve struggled in other ways because I wasn’t vocal with my concerns and my impressions. I am a very emotional person, and not expressing myself has had a detrimental effect on me and my relationships. I realize that now. I’m changing it. In regards to item #1, this means I might be taking different paths than I have in the past, but I cannot bear the thought of going to my grave with what might have been. I may need to do some course correction, and I’ll be honest and truthful about the path that I take.

4.       I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Thank God for the internet and facebook. It has let me contact most of my friends and let me stay in somewhat good touch with them. I know I bond hard, perhaps too hard. But I’m here. If anyone wants to talk…I’m here.

5.       I wish that I had let myself be happier

I do need help with this, and I think I’m getting better. I like my life. I don’t really have anything to complain about. I have a good sense of humor and a good set of friends. I sometimes wish, well, I always wish that I lived in a different state than where I currently live, but other than that, I have a damn good life.

Tracy and I spoke last night about regrets. There were the constant ones, like travel and job location. Still, we’ve had a lot of opportunities. We worked hard to get a higher education. Later life adoptions and family have us a bit more tied down at this point in our life than others, but I wouldn’t trade my family.  We may get the chance to do things later in life, or when the kids are a bit more independent.  If not, meh. I only have one shot at this, and I am giving it my all. Sometimes my all is sitting in front of the TV watching my son play video games. That is where I’m at in my life.

 

 

 

Kindle Those Books

I've just purchased my first books for my kindle app on my phone. While this might not seem as a big deal, it really is. I don't purchase books very often. I let the library do it for me. So, if you want my book $, it has to be something extraordinary.

For some background, I've started coming off a fairly deep emotional depression that has hounded me for the past couple of years. I've had two of these in my life. It is nothing I would wish on anyone. One of the things about this latest bout is some shifts in personality and behavior. I've always been a voracious reader. When I lived in Phoenix in the early 90s, I easily read 1500 pages a week. I poured through books. I was very similar when I moved to Illinois. I would bring stacks of books home from the library.

This latest depression is marked by some differences from my first. First, the internet. I have been able to find people that are going through similar things. My coping strategies are different because I have more information. Heck, even knowing that I was depressed was different from my first experience. My book reading dwindled to almost zero. I found it hard to concentrate on even a page. I rarely could make it through a paragraph before I lost interest and moved on. That is a shame too because I have a library that is perfect for me. I love the books I've collected. I also have my work purchase access to online book libraries. For the most part, I couldn't get away from a few internet forums. I wanted that comfort of others, reading through their experiences and trying to make sense of the emotions that they were experiencing. I did a lot of reading, but very little was in paper based books.

As I come out of this, I find that I can have a bit more concentration. I've been able to read a few pages at a time. Considering what I've been like these past years, that is a major accomplishment.

My purchases are formal writings of a few bloggers that I've followed the past few years. One of them has been extraordinary. What he has written on his blog has been outstanding. I wasn't sure I wanted to spend the 10 bucks, but I found he was just laid off from his job, so I figure that he has given me at least $10 of enjoyment, so I purchased it.

Much of my time the past two years have been spent on podcasts also. There is such a huge amount of knowledge and personalities out there that the internet can expose us to. Fascinating people and perspectives that I've found have changed my life and my outlook are available to me.

This is kind of a scattershot of a post, I realize. I wanted to write something, and this was handy.

Random Relationship Readings

I wanted to write an entire blog post about another person’s blog post but I wasn’t getting it right, so this will be more of a conglomeration.
From http://wayfaringfool.blogspot.com/2012/10/i-walk-way-alone.html.

So, I walk the Way alone.  Sure, there are many others who share a view of the Way, but they are not here, and there is only so much we can do through words expressed on computer screens.  The nature of humanity is that we need each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually present.  We communicate through nonverbal symbols and meaning that we cannot express in words.  Without this interpersonal presence, we are lacking -- I am lacking.
.
.
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Yet, as we become fearful of the influence of others; as we become resentful, tired, and frustrated at the wearying things we detest in our closest family and friends, we construct emotional walls in our emotional non-conscious minds that prevents the spiritual connection one with another.  In so peering into the eyes of another, instead of the joy of spiritual connection, we feel nothing.  We don't connect, because there is nothing to connect to -- the wall creates a defensive boundary that cannot be traversed.  I know I have done this in the past, and probably still do; but in the Way, one lets go of the fears and emotions that prevent one from sensing the Way and following it.
I have come to recognize, years ago, that it is impossible to change another human being.  I cannot force love, happiness, openness, or anything else.  I fail to do so many things that would be nice, to try to listen, to absorb, and to give in ways that might help.  I try to love unconditionally, but I fail, over and over again.  I keep hoping that giving, serving, loving unconditionally, and trying my best to listen, I will do that which is right and good.  Love needs no justification, it is beyond explanation.  I love because I must and cannot avoid it.  Sometimes, I do not feel love, acceptance, and validation in return -- maybe I expect too much.  But it does not change my love in the least.

It is the last paragraph that I posted in Facebook. I liked the whole post except for the frustration that the author felt about his wife not sharing his religious feelings. At one one point they did, but the author decided it wasn't working for him, and I'm not judging him for that. People change as life changes. However, I don't know how valid his feelings are in being alone....this is a choice that he made. Consequences follow.


I do feel like the author as expressed in the last paragraph. I care about some people very strongly, and it doesn't really matter if I get much in return. I love because I must. It is my life, and I choose to care.



I have a friend that is going through a bit of a hard time right now. In writing her, I was reminded of something that I heard in High School. "The best thing a father can do for his kids is show them how much he loves their mother." I'm not sure if the saying is true, but it is something that I remember to this day.



I was reading an article recently, and I'm not sure what the topic was. It gathered my attention because it mentioned my profession. It was about dating. No, I'm not in the market but I do read things that might help me in my love life. It was a dating counselor or something and she said something along the lines of, "Don't spend all your time with those charismatic, flirty salesmen and managers. If you date them, you get a charismatic flirty salesmen. Don't overlook those tech and computer people that quietly go about their job. You might easily find someone that will worship you." I liked the sentiment.



Another story that I read sometime back involves a man in a coffee shop. He was people watching and he was watching an older couple and the man was so intent on the woman and looking into her eyes, it was clear that he cared deeply for this woman. At some point the woman excused herself and the man wanted to find out the story, as the man's actions were so involving. "Oh, she's a girl I dated in High School. We recently contacted each other. Her husband died about 10 years ago and my wife died 4 years ago. We've been writing and I decided to come out and see her. Isn't she beautiful?" The writer was taken by such devotion over 50 years in the making, to be reunited at last.

When the Sun Explodes...

My son is getting older, and the things that he hears are finally rattling around and sticking in his noggin’. That’s a good thing, but that introduces problems and issues that I have been wrestling with myself.

I’m an engineer. I work in things that exploit all the knowledge that mankind has gathered over the millennia. I am a problem solver. I use logic, experimentation, experience, and in many ways, the scientific method to fix the issues that I have to solve. For most of my life, I have been a religious believer. Truth is garnered by feelings, impressions, and the world has magical elements. Holding those two propositions in my mind as fundamental axioms has caused me no end of strife and conflict. I have built hedges around portions of my mind to keep the two from being in conflict and that has worked for a long time.

My son asked me a question. He’s seen the astronomy shows that I watch. He understands many of these concepts. “How long until the sun explodes and when it does, is that how Heavenly Father is going to cleanse the earth?”

Aside from this being a question that I might have wrestled with a couple of decades earlier, and here my 11 year-old is asking me this question, I really didn’t want to answer it. I quickly dismissed it, and I’m sure he was taken back by my abrupt reply.

That wasn’t fair to him. Those are the kind of questions I want him to ask. I want to deal honestly with him and perhaps let him know and understand that some of these questions aren’t easily, nor answered in a way that may or may not be harmonious with the people we know and love. Later that night I took him aside and answered the question, to the best of my ability.

People have different outlooks on life. The way we come to answers may be different. I think that science doesn’t posit God because there is no real place for magic. There is no place for an infinite being in an ultimately closed system. Religion doesn’t answer many of the questions we are asking. I don’t think there are many places for dinosaurs in a religious worldview. We can try to justify things, and that works for some. Perhaps the earth being cleansed by fire is nuclear war or the sun expanding into a red giant. Either one is a horrific event, especially the red giant event as the earth would be consumed by the sun and who wants to inherit a pile of ash, meek or not?

You can believe what you will. You can change your beliefs. I have. I’ve changed my beliefs and outlook many times. My political views are quite a bit different now than they were just a few years ago. I told my son that he can choose what he believes. He doesn’t have to take my word for it, his mother’s, his Sunday School teacher, or his school books. Find out what works for you, so you don’t have that internal conflict, that cognitive dissonance that people tend to get when you are told and believe different things. Growing up religious in a secular society presents its problems. How we deal with it is an individual matter. I wish I could give my son a good, concrete answer, but I can’t. I’m not there yet myself.

Honesty

While I think this topic is more important than just a blog post can deliver, I have been wanting to write this for several weeks. I know I'll do a lousy job, but I wanted to give it a shot.

 On a religious themed bulletin board, a poster started a topic on "Why can't we just talk to each other?" While the topic was more of a religious nature, dealing with belief and nonbelief, I was struck that it speaks to a much larger issue. I have had some personal experience with this.

 Over the past several years I've had to come to terms with a lot of things in my past. Things that I wasn't proud of and things that I needed to get off my chest. The internet allowed me to talk to the people involved and let them know of my feelings and change of heart. I had some long and painful discussions with those I care about on some very personal issues. It was gut-wrenching and I didn't realize how poisoned my mind was due to my own inability to be honest, to talk to those people around me about what I was going through, and what I had gone through. While my issues are legion, let me get into one particular item, and yes, it does deal with religion.

 I bring this particular issue up because it is something I rarely discussed. I think it has a social stigma. I definitely felt that I couldn't discuss this openly and honestly among my peers. I didn't feel I could go off narrative. I hated my mission. It was the hardest, most miserable time I have ever had in my life. I know, how can I say such a thing? The reasons are many, and I wasn't honest with myself or those around me for many years. I was severely depressed on my mission. I was failing at everything I tried. Money wasn't reaching me and while the depression ate my will away, I was pretty much starving for two months in one of my areas. I had a nervous breakdown while I was out. I did pull myself out of it, and the last year was tolerable, mostly because I finally saw an end to it.

 I never talked about it much afterwards. While I was dating I mentioned that I was a "Returned Missionary" if asked, but that is all I said. I know I didn't have it as hard as others, and most of the issues were situational and psychological. I can say fairly easily that if I went on a humanitarian type mission, my experience would probably have been much different.

 Only recently have I come to the point where I could talk about it. I talked with my wife and those that were directly concerned, trying to finally put an end to the internal strife I was feeling. I made a quick mention of it in a church meeting, but as quickly left the topic. There isn't much room, I feel, for those who do go off the narrative. We want our young people to go on missions. We don't talk about the negative.

 We don't talk about the negative. Why not? Why not prepare our children better for dealing with the issues that they will face? Why are we not honest with each other in terms of our experiences? I know I might be alone in my feelings, and I don't preach them as everlasting truth. I don't go out of my way to say everyone will have a horrible experience as I know that isn't true, but I do see how much damage I did to myself and others around me by holding it in.

Not often do students remember for 24 hours very many words taught by their teachers. Yet 50 years later some former students recall with lasting appreciation the words one teacher had her class repeat at the beginning of each day. Every school morning this rather unpretentious, plain, wise lady implanted the meaning of honesty into our minds by having us recite “A lie is any communication given to another with the intent to deceive.”

When I compare this definition with that found in the dictionary, which states, “A lie is an untrue statement made with the intent of deceiving,” I greatly appreciate her definition. A lie can be effectively communicated without words ever being spoken. Sometimes a nod of the head or silence can deceive. Recommending a questionable business investment, making a false entry in a ledger, devious use of flattery, or failure to divulge all pertinent facts are a few other ways to communicate the lie.

After having us go through this daily ritual, this wonderful lady, who never married but who had such a motherly influence over many of us, would teach with few words the importance of communicating truth under all circumstances. Often she simply said, “Don’t tell lies. Don’t share lies. Don’t participate in lies.”

--Marvin J. Ashton (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1982/04/this-is-no-harm?lang=eng)

I think we live in a culture of dishonesty, and if we hold it in, it damages us. It did me. While I don't spread whatever my feelings and thoughts of my mission as the standard, there are others that had similar experiences to mine, and they also rarely talk about it.

 I refer you to this article, http://discovermagazine.com/2012/jun/07-vital-signs-paralyzed-by-faith/. While I can't say my issues were this bad, I do understand them. I contemplated the social price I would have paid if I had left my mission, and they were huge to a man of 20 years.

 I also suggest the following video. I think it says it better than any words I can spout.


Ah please talk to me
Won't you please talk to me
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me

 I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can't you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me

 I can imagine the moment
Breaking out through the silence
All the things that we both might say
And the heart it will not be denied
Till we're both on the same damn side
All the barriers blown away

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRLjpXLEp1A

I freely admit that this wasn't my only issue that needed to be sorted out, and that I do have a few other "identities" on the web so I am not easily identified on boards and blogs. I might not be completely honest yet, but I do have to protect others and myself in other areas. Take that for what it is worth.

I reserve the right to modify and extend my remarks.

St. Louis



This is a power station located in Springfield. I've told
many of my friends that I often stop and look at
them occasionally. This time I was stopped at a
McDonalds across the highway from it waiting for the rain
to pass.

 There was a project at work attempting to correct some faulty data in our reports. It was to dominate my life at work for about three weeks. I was seeing my opportunity to get out of town while the weather was warm quickly disappearing. I almost begged for some time off after we made the data switch. I asked for 3 days off, and they gave it to me, but on the condition that some other things were finished too. In reality, that meant I got two days off. One of the only perks you get for staying long at my company is that you get more time off. The problem is getting the chance to use it.

I packed up my things and put the saddlebags on bike and at noon on Tuesday, headed south.


The bridges over the canal. I-270 is the farthest bridge
and the closest bridge is the road through the park.

  The trip south was pretty uneventful. I encountered some rain near Springfield and did some interchange hopping. It seemed whenever I got on the highway, it started raining. Once I actually got south of the city, it was clear riding. Illinois is a long state and crossing it diagonally takes a good deal of time. I arrived at my motel at around 7:30.

The next morning I got up and had breakfast and headed about 10 miles west to the Chain of Rocks Canal. I had heard that they converted an old 


This is a single barge going through the Chain of Rocks
Canal. Notice the standing bow wave. The power it
takes to move these through the water is impressive.

 bridge across the river for pedestrians. I wanted to walk it. The bridge was used for the original Route 66 and it was unusual in that it had a corner about 2/3 of the way across. I'm not sure why it did, but it did. Info. I also drove down to where the lock was, but it was closed off for security reasons. I crossed the river on 270 and headed north to see the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi rivers. I am very interested in things that seem mundane to others. The merging of the rivers are historic and this is where many of the westward trails started, not to mention where Louis and Clark started their journeys. It wasn't dramatic, just two rivers getting together.


This is the original bridge that they converted to a ped
bridge. It was where Route 66 crossed the Mississippi.

I traveled south to St. Louis. I wanted to take a few pictures and pester friends with picture texts. I was impressed with the height of the arch. I'm not sure I would have been able to keep my sanity if I was asked to help build it. Just a bit too high up for me. I did lay down under it halfway between two ends. I wondered if this is where ideas came for Larry Niven or his illustrators on his Ringworld books. It was a very interesting experience. I hung around there, got a nice sunburn on my face and also visited the courthouse across the mall. I found that Dred Scott's trials were held there before the appeals headed him to the Supreme Court. It was pretty much the beginning of the Civil War on the legal front.



Confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers.

 I retired back to the motel room and prepared for my ride back. I intended to ride up the river road to the Quad Cities, but since I've done that in the past, if I needed to change my plans, I could.

I was met with a warm morning, and me with my warmest cycle jacket, and a traffic jam on the highway. I took an opportunity to get off the road and bypassed the jam and headed north. My clothes were wet with sweat by the time I stopped for gas in Alton. I adjusted things a bit, took some pictures of some caves, and headed to the confluence of the Illinois and Mississippi river.



My ugly mug in front of the Gateway Arch.

 There wasn't much to see, other than just nature, at the confluence. It wasn't a stark end of the river, but a bunch of islands. There was a nice power station across the Mississippi and I would have taken a picture, but it was a 4 lane highway and nowhere to pull over. It was a scenic trip, and I enjoyed the river communities that I drove through, but no gas stations and I found I was in need of fuel. I finally went through Pleasant Hill and found a gas station.

I travelled north and saw a sign that I was to pass through Kinderhook. There was some people there that forged a few small plates and sent them up to Joseph Smith where he proceeded to translate them. There are alternative ideas about the incident out there too (see Kinderhook Plates) and the debate goes on in apologetic circles. It was a place that I didn't expect to find, nor had I ever looked where it was.

It soon became colder and as I headed through Hamilton on my way to Nauvoo, I experienced about one minute of drenching rain. Great. I took a cold ride up to Nauvoo along the river on the wet road. I'm glad that there wasn't a lot of other people on the road. I didn't want to feel pressed as newly wet roads are dangerous.



Kinderhook of the Kinderhook Plates fame. Not something
that the LDS Church talks about much for now obvious
reasons.

I pulled into Nauvoo State Park to dry off and get my liner in the jacket as it had become quite cold. After that short rest, I rode up to the temple. I've always wanted to take that curve and see the temple on a motorcycle. It wasn't as fantastic as I had imagined. I took a picture and headed north, trying to outrun the dark grey blob approaching from the west.

A stop at Montrose and checking weather.com on my phone verified that I needed to move to outrun the rain. I decided that diagonally on US 34 was the best way to stay dry. If I could get north of Mendota, I thought I would be free and clear. No such luck. I hit consistent rain north of Princeton and actually the worst downpours were north of Mendota. So much for my hopes.



My quick stop in Nauvoo, trying to keep ahead
of the rain.

In pulled in to home around 6:00pm. I could barely move after such a long ride through wind and rain. I had water pooling in my boots. By the time I got the cycle in the garage, I was shaking pretty bad. I took a warm shower, put on dry clothes and turned up the heat. Since it was obvious that Fall had officially arrived, I wondered when the next bike ride would be. Still not sure. This ride was the longest and hardest I have taken yet.