High School Football

I try and take in a football game every week. I do it mostly to watch people. That's what I do...and I think I mentioned that in an earlier post. Most of the time it just reminds me of the awkward time High School was. Something else manifested though a few weeks back.  I was sitting in a section of the stands and before I realized it, I was surrounded by female teenagers. As I slowly made my way to another section, mostly to avoid any complications associated with a 40 year old hanging out with the teenagers, I came to a realization.

Why was I so intimidated by girls when I was younger? Clearly, the girls surrounding me that night were complete idiots. They weren't any different than the boys, who were also complete idiots. Wow. Did I waste a few years there not dating. I could have had a lot more fun.

Perhaps the problem was that I was a troll. And I'm not just talking about living in the Lower Peninsula of Michigan (trolls live under the bridge....get it? Michigan joke.) I was sitting there in the football game watching these kids and how they acted and how it was different than my time growing up. Most had cell phones and many had cell phones with earphones in their ear. That made me wonder what in the world they were doing there, if they weren't even paying attention to those around them. I know I watched one kid who had a very pretty girl sitting next to him. I wanted to slap him aside the head and bring it to his attention that he had a stunner sitting there and he was texting his friend Bill about how he liked the last MP3 he was sent. Excuse Me! Look around you, you moron. Idiot. Girls are the most important thing in the universe and you have one RIGHT THERE!

Being a troll, I can see things like that now. And girls still make me nervous. Luckily I'm married to one that works her way past that.

Who are these people?

Depression Thoughts

For some that know me or read this blog, I had a time in my life where I was hit hard by depression. It's been 22 years and it still represents a black hole in my life. Probably because it was at a time when I had little possibility for distraction. In any case, I find I'm still coming to terms with it. I'm not sure why, other than it depresses me just thinking back on those times. Generally, the years after that have been absolutely wonderful, and I have very few regrets.

My wife is now sorting through pics taken during that time, and it brings back more memories. That and this blasted Facebook thing has put me in touch with some of the great people of that time. Now I'm hit by age. Here are photos and I can't for the life of me remember the names. I can see their manerisms, hear their voices, and remember how they looked. These people played huge roles in my life...and I can't remember names. To be honest, I can't remember names very well anyway, but it is frustrating.

I did find a post of someone else that had depression hit them.

http://mormontimes.com/mormon_voices/tequitia_andrews/?id=9383

I at least find that others that have gone through the same experience also looks for and avoids triggers. The annoying part for me is some of the triggers for me are part of my church functions. Hometeaching brings me anxiety attacks. Why? Don't know. I've learned some of my responses are completely irrational. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I hate the experience but there it is. It isn't something that I would wish on others. I'm just glad that I'm not the only one that has a similar way of dealing with depression. I've found that I need quite a bit of alone time where I just watch things. Trains, people in a public place, water going by. I find them mentally calming.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not generally psycho. I don't think I need counciling. I just know what sets me off and how to deal with it. Others have probably the same issues, but maybe don't realize what it does for them.

Anyway, that's the thought for the moment.

Elder Hickman

This poor guy is stuck in Keokuk, IA. Let's all pray for him.

Sunday Funnies and Priesthood Lesson #40

My son, Hayden, took a ball cap and placed it on Ellie's head and stated "There, now you're a Mexican." Not sure where he got that one.

I noticed my daughter before church and wondered how all the other fathers would feel about not having the prettiest girl.

The rumor is that the next 2 years are going to have priesthood and RS classes use the new Gospel Principles manual as the text. Not sure how that will work...or what that tells us about ourselves...or what leadership thinks of us.

For the last lesson we used Lesson 40. Lesson 40. This holds some special significance in my life now that I've found some wonderful people on Facebook that I knew a long time ago. For some of the lesson I used the following discusion, FeastUponTheWord. I also used the following about W. W. Phelps and his relationship with the Prophet Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith's Personal Writings. Overall, it was an OK lesson, except I wanted to tear up reading about the Phelps' letter.

On the way home:

Ellie: "How was the baby, Daddy?"
Me: "What's a babydaddy?"
Ellie: "Huh?"
Tracy: "He's just making a joke, Ellie."
Ellie: "But Mom, He's making fun of me."
Tracy: "No, he isn't."
Me: "ButtMom?, What's a buttmom?"
Ellie: "Daddy, stop."
Me: "The Adventures of Babydaddy and Buttmom!"
Ellie: "Mom....what kind of movie is that?"

Beach Visit

We drove out onto the peninsula in Traverse City and found this great little beach. Didn't get in the water but had a blast playing in the sand and looking for teeny tiny seashells!

Contemplating my own mortality

A few thoughts that I just had to push out of my head while attending sacrament meeting…

A week or so ago my wife and I finally watched “The Curse of Benjamin Button”. It takes a look at humanity in a man who ages backwards, from an old man to a baby. I can’t say that I like Brad Pitt all that much, and the special effects were fairly good. Overall, it was a good movie. I did note my reaction at the end of the movie when BB died as a tiny baby. Actually I started getting a reaction when the protagonist was portrayed as a toddler. I knew what was coming. It almost got me to tears, and I wondered why that part of the movie did that to me. I figured it was an evolutionary thing (or the fact that my youngest is just coming to a year's age). Our minds rebel at the thought of a baby dying. It is our greatest tragedy. Children just should not die. We save our women and children first. Crimes against children in wartime are codified in our war conventions. The horrors of the holocaust are heightened by the treatment of children by the Nazis. It just shouldn’t happen. Now, perhaps I over-think it. I have become more aware of how I react emotionally, just to make sure I am on a sane path. Still, I found my reaction interesting.

I’ve always been aware of my own mortality. Perhaps it was because as a young boy I dealt with the passing of my grandfathers and had to come to grips with it. I can’t say it fascinates me. It doesn’t. I am just aware of it. Perhaps it is due to my interest in religion, and religion’s almost sole function is to deal with death. Well, maybe not sole function, but perhaps the origin. Mankind has come up with lots of ways of dealing with death throughout the millennia. I certainly haven’t come up with anything new. I’m just aware that it is sneaking up on me and I don’t want to be completely surprised by the event.

Perhaps that is why some of my favorite songs, or should I say, songs that make me react, are songs about the fleeting nature of life.

I can think of “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croche (here performed by the muppets). 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtS4cBjCxhA

“Done too Soon” by Neil Diamond.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0koSdk_ACWw

“My Last Breath” by Evanescence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySkJl4qeAag

  And perhaps my most reactive song, the one I find the most poignant, “100 Years” by Five for Fighting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmoE8_U-JTw

 I can’t help tearing up when I actually listen to this one.  Perhaps because I find a little love song in it.

If it wasn’t for the Gospel of Jesus Christ as revealed by Joseph Smith, I would probably despair to mental anguish. I couldn’t go on thinking that I only have this short time and then all is gone. I think about all those friends and family that have already slipped out of my life without my ever being candid enough to express my feelings of love and affection for their time and efforts with me. Even now, when I feel I have come closer to dealing with my own emotions, I wouldn’t ever be so bold and open to show how I truly feel for those around me. I’m so sure that it would be misinterpreted and I could lose those friends and any self-respect that I might have. Still, we do seem to waste so much time and don’t tell those around us how we feel. Perhaps that is what fast and testimony meetings are for, no? Perhaps one day I will be strong and bold enough to let my feelings known beyond my own internal acknowledgement. Maybe not. Maybe that is what eternity is for. Death just seems to rob us of our opportunity to do it here.

All that reading into eastern philosophy may actually be taking hold, purging out all that restrained western European stoic influence.

As expressed by Neil Diamond, I know life will be “done too soon” and I already regret my failure to expand on my own life. Perhaps I can start changing now so death’s sting won’t be so sharp.

--Barry

"All I can say is, if I do not love my wife, body and soul, as well there as I do here, then there is no resurrection of my body nor of my soul." -- Charles Kingsley