Who are these people?

Depression Thoughts

For some that know me or read this blog, I had a time in my life where I was hit hard by depression. It's been 22 years and it still represents a black hole in my life. Probably because it was at a time when I had little possibility for distraction. In any case, I find I'm still coming to terms with it. I'm not sure why, other than it depresses me just thinking back on those times. Generally, the years after that have been absolutely wonderful, and I have very few regrets.

My wife is now sorting through pics taken during that time, and it brings back more memories. That and this blasted Facebook thing has put me in touch with some of the great people of that time. Now I'm hit by age. Here are photos and I can't for the life of me remember the names. I can see their manerisms, hear their voices, and remember how they looked. These people played huge roles in my life...and I can't remember names. To be honest, I can't remember names very well anyway, but it is frustrating.

I did find a post of someone else that had depression hit them.

http://mormontimes.com/mormon_voices/tequitia_andrews/?id=9383

I at least find that others that have gone through the same experience also looks for and avoids triggers. The annoying part for me is some of the triggers for me are part of my church functions. Hometeaching brings me anxiety attacks. Why? Don't know. I've learned some of my responses are completely irrational. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I hate the experience but there it is. It isn't something that I would wish on others. I'm just glad that I'm not the only one that has a similar way of dealing with depression. I've found that I need quite a bit of alone time where I just watch things. Trains, people in a public place, water going by. I find them mentally calming.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not generally psycho. I don't think I need counciling. I just know what sets me off and how to deal with it. Others have probably the same issues, but maybe don't realize what it does for them.

Anyway, that's the thought for the moment.

Elder Hickman

This poor guy is stuck in Keokuk, IA. Let's all pray for him.

Sunday Funnies and Priesthood Lesson #40

My son, Hayden, took a ball cap and placed it on Ellie's head and stated "There, now you're a Mexican." Not sure where he got that one.

I noticed my daughter before church and wondered how all the other fathers would feel about not having the prettiest girl.

The rumor is that the next 2 years are going to have priesthood and RS classes use the new Gospel Principles manual as the text. Not sure how that will work...or what that tells us about ourselves...or what leadership thinks of us.

For the last lesson we used Lesson 40. Lesson 40. This holds some special significance in my life now that I've found some wonderful people on Facebook that I knew a long time ago. For some of the lesson I used the following discusion, FeastUponTheWord. I also used the following about W. W. Phelps and his relationship with the Prophet Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith's Personal Writings. Overall, it was an OK lesson, except I wanted to tear up reading about the Phelps' letter.

On the way home:

Ellie: "How was the baby, Daddy?"
Me: "What's a babydaddy?"
Ellie: "Huh?"
Tracy: "He's just making a joke, Ellie."
Ellie: "But Mom, He's making fun of me."
Tracy: "No, he isn't."
Me: "ButtMom?, What's a buttmom?"
Ellie: "Daddy, stop."
Me: "The Adventures of Babydaddy and Buttmom!"
Ellie: "Mom....what kind of movie is that?"

Beach Visit

We drove out onto the peninsula in Traverse City and found this great little beach. Didn't get in the water but had a blast playing in the sand and looking for teeny tiny seashells!

Contemplating my own mortality

A few thoughts that I just had to push out of my head while attending sacrament meeting…

A week or so ago my wife and I finally watched “The Curse of Benjamin Button”. It takes a look at humanity in a man who ages backwards, from an old man to a baby. I can’t say that I like Brad Pitt all that much, and the special effects were fairly good. Overall, it was a good movie. I did note my reaction at the end of the movie when BB died as a tiny baby. Actually I started getting a reaction when the protagonist was portrayed as a toddler. I knew what was coming. It almost got me to tears, and I wondered why that part of the movie did that to me. I figured it was an evolutionary thing (or the fact that my youngest is just coming to a year's age). Our minds rebel at the thought of a baby dying. It is our greatest tragedy. Children just should not die. We save our women and children first. Crimes against children in wartime are codified in our war conventions. The horrors of the holocaust are heightened by the treatment of children by the Nazis. It just shouldn’t happen. Now, perhaps I over-think it. I have become more aware of how I react emotionally, just to make sure I am on a sane path. Still, I found my reaction interesting.

I’ve always been aware of my own mortality. Perhaps it was because as a young boy I dealt with the passing of my grandfathers and had to come to grips with it. I can’t say it fascinates me. It doesn’t. I am just aware of it. Perhaps it is due to my interest in religion, and religion’s almost sole function is to deal with death. Well, maybe not sole function, but perhaps the origin. Mankind has come up with lots of ways of dealing with death throughout the millennia. I certainly haven’t come up with anything new. I’m just aware that it is sneaking up on me and I don’t want to be completely surprised by the event.

Perhaps that is why some of my favorite songs, or should I say, songs that make me react, are songs about the fleeting nature of life.

I can think of “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croche (here performed by the muppets). 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtS4cBjCxhA

“Done too Soon” by Neil Diamond.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0koSdk_ACWw

“My Last Breath” by Evanescence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySkJl4qeAag

  And perhaps my most reactive song, the one I find the most poignant, “100 Years” by Five for Fighting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmoE8_U-JTw

 I can’t help tearing up when I actually listen to this one.  Perhaps because I find a little love song in it.

If it wasn’t for the Gospel of Jesus Christ as revealed by Joseph Smith, I would probably despair to mental anguish. I couldn’t go on thinking that I only have this short time and then all is gone. I think about all those friends and family that have already slipped out of my life without my ever being candid enough to express my feelings of love and affection for their time and efforts with me. Even now, when I feel I have come closer to dealing with my own emotions, I wouldn’t ever be so bold and open to show how I truly feel for those around me. I’m so sure that it would be misinterpreted and I could lose those friends and any self-respect that I might have. Still, we do seem to waste so much time and don’t tell those around us how we feel. Perhaps that is what fast and testimony meetings are for, no? Perhaps one day I will be strong and bold enough to let my feelings known beyond my own internal acknowledgement. Maybe not. Maybe that is what eternity is for. Death just seems to rob us of our opportunity to do it here.

All that reading into eastern philosophy may actually be taking hold, purging out all that restrained western European stoic influence.

As expressed by Neil Diamond, I know life will be “done too soon” and I already regret my failure to expand on my own life. Perhaps I can start changing now so death’s sting won’t be so sharp.

--Barry

"All I can say is, if I do not love my wife, body and soul, as well there as I do here, then there is no resurrection of my body nor of my soul." -- Charles Kingsley

My thoughts on Facebook

Sitting up in the pines of Northern Michigan makes me ponder…actually, any kind of silence makes me ponder. The hustle and bustle of being a parent of four children 8 and under doesn’t allow oneself to ponder very much.

 

I’ve been thinking about this facebook thing that seems to be sweeping the 40+ age group. Roe Con from WLS mentioned on his radio program that the only reason men get on facebook at his age is to check up on all their hot ex-girlfriends. I kind of chucked because, honestly, I hadn’t even thought of it. I can’t even remember their names, let alone check up on them. The only girl that I did want to contact was my best friend’s girlfriend from high school. I knew she was married when I started college, so, I’m not sure what society would expect of me there in any case. Considering that I’m a mormon, I expect all my old girlfriends to be married, have kids, and probably be grandmothers at this point. That and my own look in the mirror would soon disabuse me of any mischief that my sick mind might contemplate. No, at best, I would want to know that they are happy. I wouldn’t need to contact them to know that. Finding a blog or a family picture on their profiles would be enough to determine that. I hadn’t even found that appealing either.

 

My thoughts on facebook are of something else entirely. I do find myself not seeking after people from high school, but of college and my mission. Those were clearly my most formative years, and not necessarily always positive. But nevertheless, still my most important as I look back.

 

My children have learned to accept me and my ramblings. I often blurt out “Stop it!” or “No.” for no apparent reason, during my quiet times. Usually, I am contemplating some awkward episode from my past and some of the tremendous mistakes that I’ve committed. Not sure why I do that. No good comes of it.

 

During college I have made friends that I would gladly give my life for, although I most likely wouldn’t express it to them. That and my wife probably wouldn’t want me to give my life to them, leaving her with this brood that we’ve accumulated. These people were by me during the hardest times of my life, and, if they know it or not, had sustained me just by existing.

 

See, my mission wasn’t all that great, dominated by a pretty deep depression. It was a combination of a lot of things that brought it about, and I can’t and won’t lay the blame at anyone’s feet but my own. The bottom hit and led to a rethinking of how I was living my life. You know, it is really hard to come out of a depression, change your way of thinking and serve a mission at the same time. I probably would have left my mission soon after I hit bottom if it wasn’t for a particular experience, and that experience kept me in the church to this day. It also has kept me from blaming God or the Church for what I went through. I know that God is mindful of me. So now, I collect people from that time period. Why, when most of the time I want to forget those years? Don’t know, but that is what I do.

 

It might be because I had the happiest years of my life, so far, just after that. I dated a lot my first year back. I worked myself silly at work and school to the point of almost constant exhaustion. My wife remembers my sleeping in the halls outside of class, after working since 4am. I crammed in so much during that year, I tire just thinking about it. I also made some pretty horrendous mistakes during that time too. I think that is par for the course though. But I did have fun. First time in my life I had girls “fight” over me. I still find that a funny episode. Fighting over a skinny (aftermath of my depression) engineer wanna-be. What a sick world we live in.

 

So, here I am, finding friends from that time. The last 20 years with my wife have been wonderful. I have made some friends since that time, although none as lasting or as important to me. I work with good people and have a beautiful family. And yet, I think back to that time often and how I dealt with situations.

 

I often consider a book by C. S. Lewis called “The Great Divorce”. It is a great read about what heaven and hell is like. Hell is full of people that breed bitterness and cannot forgive themselves or others. It eventually drives them farther and farther away from each other. Heaven is for people who have forgiven themselves and each other, regardless of their earthly circumstance. It is explained that the people that inhabit that realm look back at their time on earth with joy and contentment, because they remember the good and not the bad. I think that is why I look back to those times. I learned a lot. I used it for my betterment. I learned to be forgiving of others and myself. I don’t lay blame on others. I would rather see the joy in my life and not the hurt. I want to look back on my life with fondness and happiness.

 

Anyway, that’s what I think about facebook so far. Might not be much, but it is better than thinking about html callbacks all day.

--Barry