The Ten Commandments ... of Relationships

A friend of mine posted a link on her facebook page, and I took a keen interest in it. The original article is called The Ten Commandments of Dating but I look at things with a more macro-view. While it has been a long time since I ever "dated" anyone, not that I was particularly good at it, I like reading things about dating because much of it can be used in regular interactions. The things that people use to keep someone's interest for intimate relationships can be used, generally, for other relationships. In my early 20s, being fully aware that I didn't want to be alone, I decided that those more self-centered days were behind me and I needed to become someone that people would want to be around. Don't take this that I, in any way, feel like I've succeeded, even at this late date in my life. Most of the time I'm more concerned with not offending anyone but I do want to be seen as someone of interest. Indeed, I've often wondered what it would be like to date again knowing how much I've changed and how differently I would approach it than I did when I was younger. Not that I'm seeking that out or that I'm unhappy in my current relationship with Tracy. It is more an idle thought.

Anyway, this article sums up a lot of nice things. It can be used in building better relationships of all kinds. It is healthier if nothing else.

1. Be honest. Just be upfront about who you are and what you’re looking for. The right people will be totally into that, and the ones who aren’t won’t waste your time (and you won’t be wasting theirs either).

This sounds so easy. I guess it is. I hold strong opinions about some things, but I'm also very aware that I could be completely wrong. That has really muted some of my emotional outbursts. There are some things that I do feel that I'm not wrong about. Empathy, love and having respect for other people are things that I would like to advocate more and I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong about it. I've tried to be more vocal about how I feel about people and even to the point of letting them know that I like having them around me, that they change me for the better. Some people I'm more reserved around, not sure that they are ready to see that side of me.

In my relationship with Tracy, we've had our own moments of honesty, and it has changed our relationships. I know I pay too much attention to what I see as expectations, and it has gotten in my way in the past. I think we have become more accepting of each other.

2. Be interested. It helps if you actually want to know more about us than what we look like naked. Be interested in what we like to do outside of work and what we think about and the things we enjoy. And don’t be condescending when we like a show or movie that you don’t enjoy. That can go both ways. Just try to get to know us as people. Ask questions. Express curiosity. We love this!

OK. Considering my religious upbringing and my current state of wedded bliss, I'm not trying to get anyone naked so let's just concentrate on the command. I have found that there are elements of people's lives that fascinate me. In the past I would have been more dismissive but not so much now. I try to find something interesting about someone, even if they wear some of those interests on their sleeves that don't spark my curiosity. People have a lot of facets. Tracy likes Disney. Me, not so much. However, what I find interesting in her, and what I found interesting about her when we were dating is a sense of adventure that I used to do new and different things that I might not have done if left on my own.

In a recent trip to Oregon, I went to the coast with a friend and she took me to an incredible restaurant. I mentioned at the time that "I wouldn't normally have stopped at a place like this." And I don't know if she took it as a criticism. I tried to explain, and I think this was evident to her, that when I travel alone, I get pretty focused on some things and food isn't one of them. If I didn't have an issue with fainting when my blood sugar drops, I would forget to eat altogether. It was a very nice place, and I should have been better at listening to her to realize her interest in the place (and her interest in showing it to me.)

3. Be interesting. It’s great to check in every day and ask how we’re doing. But if that’s the only conversation we have, we’re not going to stay interested. Tell us about you, or ask some questions. Open up some topics for conversation and actually participate beyond small talk. While I love to be asked out for an actual date, know that I’m raising an eyebrow when you don’t even attempt to get to know me in the meantime. When the date is confirmed and then you aren’t in contact until then, I’m questioning your motives, and I’m wondering if I’m actually going to get stood up. You know, again.

I would think that I might digress into talking too much about myself. Plus, I have the fear that what I'm interested in wouldn't be that interesting to others. There are a few things that I'm passionate about and they are either geeky or somewhat obscure. I find most things about computers completely engrossing. That would tend to alienate some people. In nature, I love volcanoes. The whole concept of molten rock coming out of the ground and the sheer power of it is incredible. Does that mean that I should have found someone that shares those interests? Is it the power of passion that is more interesting? Tracy has passions that don't interest me but I know that she feels strongly about them. I like those things because she likes them.

4. Keep your word. If you say you’ll call, call. If you say you’ll text, text. If you make a date, show up for it. Confirming in advance is nice, too. Just do what you say you’ll do. And if you don’t, take some responsibility. I cannot count how many times pneumonia has reared its ugly head as the excuse that someone has ghosted me completely for days or weeks on end.
Sure, pneumonia happens. I’m not typically paranoid, but there must be an epidemic for as many times as I’ve heard that one. And most of you are still sitting up in your hospital bed tapping away at your phone, on social media, chatting with your friends. So you are perfectly able to respond. And if you actually can’t, be honest.

Keeping your word is needed in almost all facets of life, otherwise, you might be elected president. You'll also make no one trust you. I haven't been in that situation much that I know of, but I assume that it would be horrible. I depend on that trust for all my relationships. When I tell Tracy that I'll be somewhere, I do my best to be there. If I can't, I make sure and tell her. It is simple respect for the other person. If you can't respect the other person, it is best to move on. That is true with long-term commitments like marriage just as much as dating. If you can't respect the other person, don't ruin or waste their lives with your issues.

5. Be a gentleman. This hasn’t gone out of style. Open doors, pay the tab, do all of those traditional things. But it doesn’t hurt to go one further. Dress nicely to make a good first impression. Show that you put some effort into the evening as well. And I know that almost no one does it anymore, but flowers or candy are still nice gestures. And it never hurts to avoid controversial topics on a first date such as politics and religion. If they come up and you disagree, it’s entirely okay not to get into an argument about it and to return to more neutral subjects.

 I don't know if this would be wrapped up in my respect issues. Being a gentleman is, to me, not being a jerk taken to 11. You are spending their time, part of their life, to be with you. Respect that commitment to you.

6. Don’t mansplain. Not ever. If you don’t know what mansplaining is, please educate yourself and don’t ever do it again. There’s not a bigger turnoff on Earth than a man trying to educate us on our own opinion or, heaven forbid, attempt to educate us about our experience of being women, you know from the male-privilege point of view. Refer back to #2. Actually be interested in knowing us. Not in trying to correct us.

I've been guilty of this in varying degrees. I didn't realize what it was called. Like a lot of things in my life, I didn't realize there were words for this stuff. Once it was explained to me, I became more aware of it. I don't know if I told anyone what their opinions were or what they mean, but I apologize if I ever did. I know I've become much more open to my own errors and if I do this, please, in the name of all that is holy, tell me that I'm doing it. I'll try not to be upset. I know I have faults, and the ones associated with relationships are what take most of my interest and work to overcome.

7. Don’t feel that sex needs to be clarified in advance. I will never, ever understand why men I don’t know actually expect me to volunteer if I’m going to sleep with them or not. I mean, have we met yet? Are we close like that?
I’m not making any judgments on women who choose to sleep with total strangers. I’m not going to perpetuate that particular double standard. I will say that I don’t find that I have chemistry with just anyone. And I find it a wee bit insulting that we’re skipping getting-to-know-each-other part for the getting-each-other-naked part. Or the attempt. Foreplay includes that slow build-up of getting to know one another—taking those smaller steps along the way.
We don’t really need a picture of your equipment. Particularly since size doesn’t necessarily equate to knowing how to operate said equipment. Or know anything about ours. And why ask to see us naked before you’ve actually seen us, you know, clothed? It seems a sad, strange business, particularly when you’re saying you want a relationship. Perhaps you should refer to #1 and start all over.

 I recently read an article about the missing second acts in many movies, the superhero movies in particular. It goes from the origin story to complete mayhem without ever establishing character or why the hero cares one way or the other. I once again refer you to my respect references previous. When dating or even now in marriage, I am one for "radical consent" and unless it happens, I don't expect anything other than spending time with someone I enjoy. Of course, that has caused a lot of issues. I don't pick up on clues. I don't assume what you want. I'm very verbal in my relationships now, and I wasn't in the past and it created a lot of difficulties. Some of that is because I'm clueless, but another is I want verbal acknowledgment on what is desired.

I've spent some time listening to women I've befriended on the net and the sending selfies of your junk is beyond me. I honestly don't understand that. To be honest, that isn't the most interesting part of me so it doesn't even cross my mind to lead with that. And that respect thing. That respect thing looms large in my mind.

8. Be confident. Making jokes about your height or weight may seem like a good way to ease the tension, but sometimes it just comes across as insecure and needy. We all have our points of insecurity, but we all find confidence to be sexy. It’s attractive when someone is body positive and secure about who they are and how they look. I’m not saying be a total narcissist. Just be confident.

This is my greatest problem. It is my most annoying trait, even to myself. First, I have no idea what I'm doing and it shows in a lot of ways. I wish it didn't. It affects a lot about me. I know I can do most everything intellectually I set my mind to but other parts of my life? Not so much. When I have to cater to someone else, when I have to anticipate their desires when I want them to LIKE ME??!! No, I'm not all that confident.

Let's have a moment of candid honesty, When I was "Dear Johned" on my mission, I was told how insecure I was by the person I respected the most. I so much wanted to scream that of course I was. My last semester of college was a disaster, possibly messing up my future in my chosen field, let alone at my school. I hated what I was doing, even though this was the pinnacle of faith in my religion, devoting my time to "the truth and the preaching thereof." I was so tired of my faults. I was tired of being told that I wasn't working hard enough and all the people in my area will possibly be going to hell because of my inaction. I resented that I wasn't having any fun in the time of life when that is what should be happening. I resented that I wasn't with the people I cared the most about. I resented the fact that I felt those things. Insecure?! Damn right I was insecure. That insecurity torpedoed that relationship as well as messing me up. (That isn't to say it would have lasted anyway. I did, however, use the experience to change. This event probably changed me more than anything else in my life.)

Has my life improved all that much? Yes. But I still struggle with confidence. The depression still floats around but nothing like it was at that time, and I have tried to become more confident. Luckily, my wife has learned me and helps me in all of my weaknesses. If I ever have to teach someone about that aspect of me again, I'd be a lot more honest, open and forthright about who I am so we can compensate and still have an enjoyable time.

9. Be kind. This is basic but often overlooked. Avoid making critical comments. A back-handed compliment is often worse than no compliment at all. For example, I got told once that it was great that I’m so attractive so my date wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with me in public. It’s great to be called attractive, but I can’t recall when I was last so insulted at an attempt at a compliment! Be flattering, show interest without condescension, and if you’re not interested, you can express that kindly.

Yes. There isn't much I can add. Care about the person you are with.

10. Be brave. Don’t, do not ever, ghost people. Don’t just disappear. Be brave and say that you’re not really interested or you’re looking for something else. Say that you don’t have enough in common.
Or if you are really interested, be brave and say that. Say that you’d like to see us again or that you really enjoyed spending time with us and want to have even more time to get to know us. Say whatever it is you’re feeling, which I know is counter-intuitive to how men are socialized and to a dishonest dating culture.
Don’t ghost someone like they don’t matter. Speaking from the receiving end of that treatment, it is beyond painful. It would have been so much easier to hear that he was interested in someone else than to be treated like I don’t exist and that our time together meant less than nothing to him. Have some consideration for the feelings of others and not just your own feelings of fear and avoidance of conflict.
And definitely say if you really like us. Even if we don’t feel the same, take that chance. Because maybe we do. Maybe you’re the nice guy (and I don’t mean that as the insult people often take it for these days) that makes us glad we stayed in the dating game. Maybe you’re the one who reminds us why we really do like men. Maybe you’ll be the one to remind us that you have wonderful hearts and souls, and we’ll be happy to spend as much time in your company as we can.

I've had to do this to overcome changes of belief, political outlook, and other issues with my wife. I've told women that I befriended how much I enjoy their time, letting them know I appreciate their time talking to me. I've perhaps not been so verbal with the men that I know, but there is a language there that I take advantage of. It is not easy for me as it bares the soul a bit more than is comfortable but it does pay off. People do care. They want to hear they are enjoyable to be around. They want to hear honesty and candor.

So there, my commentary on the article. The article is much more interesting than what I wrote. Please read it and apply some of this stuff if you need to. If nothing else, use this as a conversation starter with your significant other. It will open doors if they aren't open already.