Wood

 I had to head up north to pick up my son from my parents' place, as well as help my parents with the winter’s wood. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the trip; an early six hours drive time but with a bad night’s sleep before hand and a very stressful couple of weeks at work to start the break.

An unexpected calm has taken over me. It wasn’t really on my radar either. I’ve been drawn to make the week meaningful with my kids, to let them know how much I think about them. I’m usually not this paternal, but the pull I’ve felt with them has been quite strong. I’ve been splitting wood for my parents and this morning, I realized that my three oldest kids were out there with me. A memory of mine was being made.  It was odd in that when I was growing up, I hated all wood related activities, yet here I was appreciating my own children and their doing this for their grandparents. Maybe what was remarkable is that they didn’t complain a bit. Not a bit. Now, I know I’ve changed too. I am not bothered anymore on the task. I’m the first one out the door, just to get it done, if for no other reason.

Changes. Perhaps that is what has been striking me.

The past few years have brought a lot of changes to my life. I’ve had to ask myself some very hard questions. I’ve asked myself what I truly believe, and that answer has turned my life upside down, putting me on a different path than the one that I had been forging for the past 30+ years. I’ve spend a large amount of time trying to understand, really understand, what I feel and some other things in my life. I know I can’t change the decisions in my life, but I had to understand them in the newer light that I’ve accepted. I needed to know that they were decisions that I can live with.

Who do I want in my life? I know I have little control over that particular portion of my life. I cannot make those decisions for others. I have a new set of friends, different things to talk about. Is this really what I want?

All these things kind of fade in the background as I once again embrace my past. I look up at the moon overlooking the family farm and realize that I’m at peace with where my life is right now. There are some things that I’d rather change, but over the past couple years, being at peace where I am is something that I have been pursuing relentlessly. Maybe I have arrived.