I've gone through several phases of what I post on Facebook,
and what I post on this blog. I think that just speaks to the phases that all
people go through as they go though their lives. I've had three distinct
phases since joining FB. In my first phase on FB, I posted a lot of jokes. I was
getting re-aquainted with some of the people in my past. I was just beginning
to wrestle with some of my feelings that something wasn't right.
The second phase was one of frustration and reflection. My
life was being turned upside down by some of the people I knew and met. My
world was becoming much, much wider and I was trying to take it all in. I was
questioning everything and coming up with different answers than I had in the
past. My relationships were changing, becoming deeper and more varied. It was a
very turbulent time in my life, and the life of those with me.
I'm currently in the third phase. It is one of rediscovering some of
the things I was when I was a teenager. It is one of honesty with myself and
those that I am intimate with. Long talks. Long letters. My children are
getting older. I am communicating with almost everyone on a different level.
When I was contemplating this blog post, I was going to
respond to a post I found online about men's greatest fears. I'll see what it
is like answering why I post and also respond to the article. I warn that this
might give you more information about me than you ever cared to know. If you
stop reading now, I won't tell anyone.
Fear #1: My sexual
desires are not okay
Ever since puberty I've been ashamed of what I thought, what
I felt. I was a christian. I was told by Jesus that I shouldn't look at a
woman, to lust or desire. I don't know about you, but with all the testosterone being
pumped in a male's body, I don't know how a boy can do anything but think of
sex and girls all the time. We are, quite literally, wired to do just that. Well, that was evil. I'd never make it to heaven,
would I? I spent decades being ashamed of how sexual I was. It was damaging.
I was also a romantic. I wanted an incredibly intimate
relationship with a woman. I didn’t want just a girlfriend, I wanted someone I felt
honest enough to share my fears and hopes. I wasn’t that interesting a person,
I realize, but that is what I wanted. I wanted something that I thought wasn’t
very masculine. Why would a woman want someone like me? I’m highly emotional. I’ve
no looks to speak of. I have nothing to really attract a woman, did I? Yeah, I
can do math pretty well, but that isn’t really a selling point, is it? And I
wanted something that the bravado of youth frowned upon. I didn’t really care
about what my male friends thought, I was more interested in what my girl
friends thought. Even more internal conflict….
I didn’t date in High School. I didn’t feel I was mature
enough, and I didn’t think anyone would really want me then. What interactions
I had with girls didn’t work out very well.
Even after decades of marriage, I’m still unwrapping my
anxieties. It is much, much easier now. I’m more willing to talk about things
than in the past. I’m slaying my demons as fast as I can. That is why I am
currently posting a lot of thoughts on romance. Many of them are things unsaid, feelings that I had that went unexpressed. I wanted to be this honest, this open when I was dating,
when I was married, when I met the wonderful women in my life. They were so
wanted, and I was too afraid to let them know, too afraid to show what I felt.
And really, have you read how some people can write and express love, longing, and desire? I wish
so much that I had that talent. As I’ve spread out into more varied reading, oh
the things I am finding. My wife bought a book of love letters a few years ago.
It was a revelation. Someone else had also felt these things, and they wrote them
down with such talent and art.
Fear #2: Other men
will think I’m weak
Men must be tough and overcome all obstacles. Never show
fatigue or fear. Do not show anything except strength and confidence, right?
To be honest, how I’m perceived by other men is the absolute
last thing on my mind. Never cared. It wasn’t with men that I wanted any kind
of deep relationships.
What I did care about was how women perceived me. Dating was
awkward. I wanted dates to go well, sure, but I didn’t like all the pressure on
me, as we were on a date “together”. I couldn’t just come out and ask for suggestions, as that wasn't, um, normal. I did try to make my dates interesting, but a lot of it was just goofy stuff, and the most memorable weren't necessarily planned. I'm not good at entertaining. Entertainment isn't what I wanted out of a date. I wanted a romance. I wanted to know the girls
I was out with. How does one do that when you are also afraid of rejection, afraid of not showing confidence? The
big answer, you don’t.
I had expectations of what kind of a person I should be, and
I couldn’t live up to that. Somehow, I was to be all things to her. That is what I was told by media, church and friends. I should be
strong, handy, romantic, aloof…and I couldn’t be all those things. Almost
everything drove insecurity into me during my teen years. About all I could do
is think. I liked to think. Plumbing or carpentry? Nope. Cars? Don’t care.
Quadratic equations? Now you’re on to something! What kind of a man is that to
attract women? “Hey! I know how an operational amplifier works. Does that turn
you on? How about single side-band radio or differential multivariate calculus?
I bet that makes your motor purr!”
All I wanted was someone to talk about what my life was
like, what her life was like. To hold hands on a walk. To tell bad jokes and
play horrible tennis and climb a mountain or two. I wanted someone to let me
run my fingers along the side of her neck and let me whisper how much I love
being with her and how beautiful she is. I wanted her to close her eyes and
think of me. I wanted someone I could tell my fears and be accepted. I want to
accept her and everything that she is. What I wanted is love. That is what I
craved.
I never gave a damn about what a man thought of me.
