I've just purchased my first books for my kindle app on my phone. While this might not seem as a big deal, it really is. I don't purchase books very often. I let the library do it for me. So, if you want my book $, it has to be something extraordinary.
For some background, I've started coming off a fairly deep emotional depression that has hounded me for the past couple of years. I've had two of these in my life. It is nothing I would wish on anyone. One of the things about this latest bout is some shifts in personality and behavior. I've always been a voracious reader. When I lived in Phoenix in the early 90s, I easily read 1500 pages a week. I poured through books. I was very similar when I moved to Illinois. I would bring stacks of books home from the library.
This latest depression is marked by some differences from my first. First, the internet. I have been able to find people that are going through similar things. My coping strategies are different because I have more information. Heck, even knowing that I was depressed was different from my first experience. My book reading dwindled to almost zero. I found it hard to concentrate on even a page. I rarely could make it through a paragraph before I lost interest and moved on. That is a shame too because I have a library that is perfect for me. I love the books I've collected. I also have my work purchase access to online book libraries. For the most part, I couldn't get away from a few internet forums. I wanted that comfort of others, reading through their experiences and trying to make sense of the emotions that they were experiencing. I did a lot of reading, but very little was in paper based books.
As I come out of this, I find that I can have a bit more concentration. I've been able to read a few pages at a time. Considering what I've been like these past years, that is a major accomplishment.
My purchases are formal writings of a few bloggers that I've followed the past few years. One of them has been extraordinary. What he has written on his blog has been outstanding. I wasn't sure I wanted to spend the 10 bucks, but I found he was just laid off from his job, so I figure that he has given me at least $10 of enjoyment, so I purchased it.
Much of my time the past two years have been spent on podcasts also. There is such a huge amount of knowledge and personalities out there that the internet can expose us to. Fascinating people and perspectives that I've found have changed my life and my outlook are available to me.
This is kind of a scattershot of a post, I realize. I wanted to write something, and this was handy.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Random Relationship Readings
I wanted to write an entire blog post about another person’s blog post but I wasn’t getting it right, so this will be more of a conglomeration.
From http://wayfaringfool.blogspot.com/2012/10/i-walk-way-alone.html.
So, I walk the Way alone. Sure, there are many others who share a view of the Way, but they are not here, and there is only so much we can do through words expressed on computer screens. The nature of humanity is that we need each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually present. We communicate through nonverbal symbols and meaning that we cannot express in words. Without this interpersonal presence, we are lacking -- I am lacking.
.
.
.
Yet, as we become fearful of the influence of others; as we become resentful, tired, and frustrated at the wearying things we detest in our closest family and friends, we construct emotional walls in our emotional non-conscious minds that prevents the spiritual connection one with another. In so peering into the eyes of another, instead of the joy of spiritual connection, we feel nothing. We don't connect, because there is nothing to connect to -- the wall creates a defensive boundary that cannot be traversed. I know I have done this in the past, and probably still do; but in the Way, one lets go of the fears and emotions that prevent one from sensing the Way and following it.
I have come to recognize, years ago, that it is impossible to change another human being. I cannot force love, happiness, openness, or anything else. I fail to do so many things that would be nice, to try to listen, to absorb, and to give in ways that might help. I try to love unconditionally, but I fail, over and over again. I keep hoping that giving, serving, loving unconditionally, and trying my best to listen, I will do that which is right and good. Love needs no justification, it is beyond explanation. I love because I must and cannot avoid it. Sometimes, I do not feel love, acceptance, and validation in return -- maybe I expect too much. But it does not change my love in the least.
It is the last paragraph that I posted in Facebook. I liked the whole post except for the frustration that the author felt about his wife not sharing his religious feelings. At one one point they did, but the author decided it wasn't working for him, and I'm not judging him for that. People change as life changes. However, I don't know how valid his feelings are in being alone....this is a choice that he made. Consequences follow.
I do feel like the author as expressed in the last paragraph. I care about some people very strongly, and it doesn't really matter if I get much in return. I love because I must. It is my life, and I choose to care.
I have a friend that is going through a bit of a hard time right now. In writing her, I was reminded of something that I heard in High School. "The best thing a father can do for his kids is show them how much he loves their mother." I'm not sure if the saying is true, but it is something that I remember to this day.
I was reading an article recently, and I'm not sure what the topic was. It gathered my attention because it mentioned my profession. It was about dating. No, I'm not in the market but I do read things that might help me in my love life. It was a dating counselor or something and she said something along the lines of, "Don't spend all your time with those charismatic, flirty salesmen and managers. If you date them, you get a charismatic flirty salesmen. Don't overlook those tech and computer people that quietly go about their job. You might easily find someone that will worship you." I liked the sentiment.
Another story that I read sometime back involves a man in a coffee shop. He was people watching and he was watching an older couple and the man was so intent on the woman and looking into her eyes, it was clear that he cared deeply for this woman. At some point the woman excused herself and the man wanted to find out the story, as the man's actions were so involving. "Oh, she's a girl I dated in High School. We recently contacted each other. Her husband died about 10 years ago and my wife died 4 years ago. We've been writing and I decided to come out and see her. Isn't she beautiful?" The writer was taken by such devotion over 50 years in the making, to be reunited at last.
From http://wayfaringfool.blogspot.com/2012/10/i-walk-way-alone.html.
So, I walk the Way alone. Sure, there are many others who share a view of the Way, but they are not here, and there is only so much we can do through words expressed on computer screens. The nature of humanity is that we need each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually present. We communicate through nonverbal symbols and meaning that we cannot express in words. Without this interpersonal presence, we are lacking -- I am lacking.
.
.
.
Yet, as we become fearful of the influence of others; as we become resentful, tired, and frustrated at the wearying things we detest in our closest family and friends, we construct emotional walls in our emotional non-conscious minds that prevents the spiritual connection one with another. In so peering into the eyes of another, instead of the joy of spiritual connection, we feel nothing. We don't connect, because there is nothing to connect to -- the wall creates a defensive boundary that cannot be traversed. I know I have done this in the past, and probably still do; but in the Way, one lets go of the fears and emotions that prevent one from sensing the Way and following it.
I have come to recognize, years ago, that it is impossible to change another human being. I cannot force love, happiness, openness, or anything else. I fail to do so many things that would be nice, to try to listen, to absorb, and to give in ways that might help. I try to love unconditionally, but I fail, over and over again. I keep hoping that giving, serving, loving unconditionally, and trying my best to listen, I will do that which is right and good. Love needs no justification, it is beyond explanation. I love because I must and cannot avoid it. Sometimes, I do not feel love, acceptance, and validation in return -- maybe I expect too much. But it does not change my love in the least.
It is the last paragraph that I posted in Facebook. I liked the whole post except for the frustration that the author felt about his wife not sharing his religious feelings. At one one point they did, but the author decided it wasn't working for him, and I'm not judging him for that. People change as life changes. However, I don't know how valid his feelings are in being alone....this is a choice that he made. Consequences follow.
I do feel like the author as expressed in the last paragraph. I care about some people very strongly, and it doesn't really matter if I get much in return. I love because I must. It is my life, and I choose to care.
I have a friend that is going through a bit of a hard time right now. In writing her, I was reminded of something that I heard in High School. "The best thing a father can do for his kids is show them how much he loves their mother." I'm not sure if the saying is true, but it is something that I remember to this day.
I was reading an article recently, and I'm not sure what the topic was. It gathered my attention because it mentioned my profession. It was about dating. No, I'm not in the market but I do read things that might help me in my love life. It was a dating counselor or something and she said something along the lines of, "Don't spend all your time with those charismatic, flirty salesmen and managers. If you date them, you get a charismatic flirty salesmen. Don't overlook those tech and computer people that quietly go about their job. You might easily find someone that will worship you." I liked the sentiment.
Another story that I read sometime back involves a man in a coffee shop. He was people watching and he was watching an older couple and the man was so intent on the woman and looking into her eyes, it was clear that he cared deeply for this woman. At some point the woman excused herself and the man wanted to find out the story, as the man's actions were so involving. "Oh, she's a girl I dated in High School. We recently contacted each other. Her husband died about 10 years ago and my wife died 4 years ago. We've been writing and I decided to come out and see her. Isn't she beautiful?" The writer was taken by such devotion over 50 years in the making, to be reunited at last.
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